Chapter
1: Fen Lie (Split)
You know, it's
funny how there are just some conversations in life that don't make
sense... or at least some that make you wonder if what you're doing
is the right thing... the memory of that one last conversation that
we had before we had to go. It's funny how it's still so clear, and
how it can still bring tears to my eyes when I think of it. Here I
lay, thousands of miles away from my best friend in the world, in
foreign territory... all for the sake of some fame and for the sake
of money. How foolish could I get? Then again, how else was I
supposed to live? Freelancing never brought in anything near enough
to patch over our bills, and our writing wasn't going together too
great. I really had no choice... but to sell my soul to the devil...
The devil in the shape of that Korean man who had given me his business card.
It wasn't long after I had graduated from
College when it happened. I guess my portfolio had gotten to places
that I had never expected, Korea was definitely one of the last
places I would have thought of. Not to mention to a big company such
as SM Entertainment. What a surprise that was when I got this random
guy at my door!
The rest of that day was a blur, I remember
getting a request to work as a designer there, and I remember turning
it down, everything else was moving so fast that I had no idea what I
was doing. Taking the job meant big money for me and not to worry
about anything... but... taking it would also mean I had to leave my
best friend in the whole world... I don't know what I was thinking
then, but who knows... I ended up here anyways... and she's still
probably pissed at me.
It's funny...
How words can hurt the soul more than any physical wound...
And still... here... I lie...
In this foreign country...
Living for a year to meet the expectations of these men...
And to get the money that I need to succeed.
It's funny...
How that one conversation with her...
That last conversation...
Made me feel worse than anyone...
I killed her...
Her spirit...
I suppose it's only right for her to hate me forever...
All that stuff they've said about me,
How I'm such a good person...
How I'm such a wonderful girl...
Bullshit.
That's all it is...
It's funny...
Just so damned funny
How horribly guilty I feel...
And how much of a hypocrite I am...
I remember so clearly telling myself...
That I'd never...
Never...
Split the two of us apart...
And yet here I am...
Apart.
Split.
Damned.
It's funny...
Isn't it?
So funny, that's it's almost ludicrous how clearly I remember that conversation...
"Hey...
Uhm... I.. I gotta tell you something..." Sunday, June
30th, her birthday... we were lazily lounging in the living room of
our little townhouse "Uh huh... yeah.. what is it?" "I
Uh... I'm gonna be moving to Korea for a year... to get us some
money...so uhm... the plans about our next big book---" "Wait
...WHAT?!" I knew this was how she was going to react...
but how else was she going to find out? I couldn't just go up and
leave here and now... that would just be too harsh. This, this was
the gentlest way I could do it. "I... I'm moving to Korea
to get us enough money so we can get by as a designer..." "You're
kidding right?" "..." Silence. I hate it
sometimes when all that's left in a conversation is silence, when the
person is processing thoughts and feelings. I hate it, it gives the
air such a stifling feeling, as if we're slowly being suffocated by
invisible hands that grasp at our necks, slowly squeezing the life
out of us. "Right?" "..." More
silence. I can't help it. It's just what I HAVE to do. Can't you
understand? This is what we have to do if we want our dreams to come
true... this is what we have to sacrifice. "Tell me dammit!
If this is some kind of sick joke you're playing---" "I'm
not..." If only it WERE a sick joke... then we would be
laughing at this point, we'd be rolling on the ground, giggling until
our sides hurt from the joy and the tension being broken. But we're
not are we? We're not... we're stuck in this suffocating standstill.
"So... so all these years that we've planned... all those
dreams that we were going to grab... everything..." "I'm
sorry..." Odd how every time something goes wrong the words
'I'm sorry' make someone think that everything will be alright in the
end. But what use are those two words when one knows that they aren't
going to do anything... but to make the situation worse. Why is it
then... that they are always the first words out of one's mouth?
Why? "You're SORRY?! Is that all you can say?!"
"Leigh... please... understand... I-I can't turn down this
offer...we have so much that we could do with the money... I can't
turn it down..." "But you can turn down our friendship
can't you?" The venom dripping from that sentence sent
shivers down my spine. It was then I realized how cruel I was to
leave her behind, to leave the friendship that we held so close to
our hearts, I realized then, how much this decision was going to
affect everyone's lives. Everyone that I knew... not just Leigh, but
all of my friends that I won't even have time to say goodbye too...
It was then, I realized, that I was a selfish person... "Leigh..."
"Look... don't talk to me right now..." "Leigh...
I'm sorry... you'll still be my best friend forever though... I won't
forget that... and I promise... I'll be back... and things will be
the same as they always have been..." "You do know...
that this... is going to change us forever right?" A pause,
the silence that lets realization set into the brain, it lets the
emotion catch up with the logic. This, was the worst part of silence.
Whoever the hell said that Silence was Golden must have been some
bastard who never had to go through all this pain. The guy probably
never had to break bad news to anyone at all. Damn those people who
were blessed with luck and didn't have to make a hard decision ever..
"Things will never be the same again... You'll be gone...
and things will change... don't think they'll stay the same for
you... but we will be waiting... we will..." "I know..."
I didn't want to cry... I never have wanted to cry,
especially not in front of my friends. Tears are a symbol of
weakness, the universal symbol of being weak of heart. I hate tears.
And yet, they cannot stop, they will not stop flowing, coming from my
eyes as I say goodbye to the people that I have known for so long. I
cannot stop these tears. "The split... that you're creating
between all of us... I only hope that you know what you're doing
Yashi... I really do..." "... I hope so too Leigh... I'm
sorry... I love you all... I really do... I'm sorry..." It's
funny how easy one can make friends, but leaving them... leaving them
is always the hardest thing to do. To say goodbye to all the memories
that one holds dear to the heart... that is the most heart wrenching
thing to experience... It's funny...
That
I'm still alive...
And lying in this bed, in this foreign country. I cry. I weep. I sob.
Everything and everyone I know... Is gone.
Thrown into this new world I am to make it on my own talent that had been scouted, I have to make them proud, all of them back home, so that when I come back... We can all smile again, and laugh, and joke... so we can all be the people who we were before, and not the ones that we were forced to be once we got to college.
The split has been made...
And I wonder...
How much longer can I live...
Before I commit suicide from homesickness.
I wonder...
If I will have the strength to go on...
And make it through...
Dear God... I have never had a lot of faith in you... but please, just this once. Grant me my wish... and grant me the strength to carry out this task.
Please...
I've already bloodied my hands with Leigh's soul...
I don't want anyone else but myself to suffer...
This split...
Is all my fault...
I'm sorry...
I am.
