I don´t own CM and I´d love to get some reviews.
The Genuine Gideon
Gideon didn´t want to lose contact with his son. Never. And he didn´t really want to lose contact with the team either. That was simply just necessary. Otherwise he wouldn´t be able to heal. He wouldn´t have been able to move on and let go of the past. Plus he just felt to guilty about letting them down so much. But even if he could talk to them there are some things he probably would never share with. Or anyone else for that matter.
He misses his son everyday and hates himself for letting him down so many times.
He wishes he wouldn´t have messed up his marriage. Not because he has any feelings for his ex-wife anymore, but because if he hadn´t messed it up, then he still would have some for her, and he wouldn´t have to go to bed alone every night. And he wouldn´t feel so guilty about letting her down. She deserved better.
He misses Sara and he hates Frank for killing her. But a part of him also blames himself for her death. A big part He knows he shouldn´t-he just can´t help it.
Those hallucinations of Sara didn´t go away until months after he left the BAU- and when they did, he felt relieved. But still…deep down he kind of wanted them back. Badly.
He really regrets just leaving a letter behind. It was cowardly of him and the team deserved more. He really hopes that Spencer read the letter and truly understood it´s message.
It wasn't that he didn´t want to say goodbye. He just couldn´t imagine being able to deal with whatever reaction he might get. He didn´t want them asking why he was going, because either he´d wind up telling them why, or he wouldn´t and then they´d just make him feel even more guilty then he already did.
He left that letter to Spencer for two reasons. The first one was that he knew his father had left him when he was a kid, and he knew how easy it was to break his trust, to make him feel unwanted. He didn't wanted to be another reason that the kid felt so insecure about himself. He had been through enough. No reason to add betrayal on the list. So Gideon wanted to make sure Reid would understand that. The other reason was simply just that…well he loved Spencer and apart from Hotchner (whom he saw as a brother, a younger brother, but a brother and an equal none the less) then he was the one on the team that was closest to him. It was as simple as that. A simple, fatherly affection.
He still can´t stop thinking about all these cases, the bodies of all the victims, all those parents who have lost their children. He wants to forget and move on, but it seems impossible. Plus, there is a part of him that feels like that the victims and their families deserved to be remembered.
For some reason he has gotten in the habit of searching for people that remind of the team. Women with tough attitude but also friendliness and compassion, like Elle, determined and ethical women like Emily, sweet, caring women like JJ, goofy but loyal men with heart of gold like Morgan, serious but sympathetic men like Hotch, crazy ladies like Garcia, with her confident and positive energy, and someone as brilliant, caring and selfless as Reid. So far, he haven´t found anyone.
He finally got the guts to visit Stephen. It was wonderful to see him after all those years. And sad to discover how much time had gone to waste.
