Tigger: So I updated. You'll notice these updates aren't very long but this story is sort of just a thing to let the creative juices flow and I stop where I feel its appropriate. Anyway thanks for those who looked up my first chapter and decided to follow along with this abrupt piece of work (you know who you are). So, ignoring the fact that I don't own Harry Potter, let the good times roll.


It was a bright sunny morning in the Grand Hall. Students sat everywhere eating their delicious breakfasts made by Hogwarts' wonderful house elves (although few students actually knew this fact). The hall was slightly more crowded than usual, especially for a Saturday morning, but all students were supposed to be in the hall by nine am. If one looked closely they would notice that the atmosphere in the hall was more subdued than usual. The older students were casting slightly anxious looks at each other and several hushed conversations were being held throughout the halls. Harry Potter sat at the Gryffindor table sleepily making his way through his pile of eggs and bacon. Usually Harry was first to notice if something was off, but since this incident had nothing to do with Dark Magic or Malfoy, Harry paid it no attention. Hermione on the other hand had noticed and was attempting to figure out exactly what was going on.

"Do you guys notice anything weird?" Hermione whispered to Harry and Ron.

"Not really," Harry shrugged his shoulders.

Ron nodded in agreement, his mouth too full of food to answer.

"Aren't you wondering why Dumbledore told all the students to be here, on a Saturday of all days?" Hermione quizzed.

"They're probably just giving us extra classes or something, you should be happy about that," Ron answered between chewing.

"Ah poor innocent naïve first years," George said as he seated himself next to Ron, stealing some bacon off Ron's plate, "Remember when we were like that Fred?"

"Alas George according to our mother we have never been innocent," Fred said dramatically.

"Oh I suppose your right there, well wouldn't want to be spoiling these kids innocence, now would we?" George said.

"Suppose your right there old chap," Fred made a motion to leave, "Let us be on our way with our impure selves."

The two stood up and went to walk away before Hermione halted them.

"What are you two going on about?" Hermione asked huffily.

"Well since you asked," the both said at the same time and with that they turned and sat down again.

"Today's the most dreaded day in Hogwarts History," George began laying on the theatrics.

"Every year students fear this day and many fall ill from nerves," Fred continued.

"It is a most dreaded day."

"Worse than losing a qudditch match against Slytherin."

"Worse than having double potions with Snape."

"Worse than any O.W.L. or N.E.W.T."

"Oh for heaven's sake, what are you two going on about?" Hermione interrupted.

The twins exchanged sly glances.

"Today is the day you get the infamous Unicorn and Troll talk," they said simultaneously.

The twins grinned widely, looking at the horror struck expressions on Ron and Hermione's faces, and quickly got up from the table and left.
The rest of the first years, who had been listening in, immediately began to panic. A few, such as Neville, looked as if they were about to be sick. Other had merely turned red at the suggestion and were avoiding eye contact, and a very slim amount just looked confused. Harry Potter was one of them.

Now it is to be understood that Harry Potter did not grow up in the most pleasant of households. In fact, he lived in a house where he was detested by the others who occupied this home. His aunt and uncle did not like magical folks and took every precaution when it came to Harry and magic. For instance, Harry had never been to single magic show and had been locked in the cupboard under the stairs when Dudley had a magician for his eighth birthday party. Harry was not allowed to read books that included magic or watch television shows with magic in them. Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny were as far magic went in the Dursley household and even then said "magical creatures" never made a single visit to Harry Potter.

Besides banning Harry from everything fun in life, and possibly making him suffer child abuse by making him live under the stairs, Harry had also never been given in the talk. Mr. and Mrs. Dursley did not want their nephew procreating. They figured the simplest way to do this was to never tell Harry about sex in any way shape or form. Luckily enough for the Dursley's puberty did not tend to hit boys till a bit later then girls. Therefore, they avoided answering awkward questions about certain feelings and hormones Harry may experience. Eventually the Dursley's would have to face puberty with Harry but they figured they would let the school handle the worse part and berate Harry for any questions he had at home. The most they agreed to do was buy him a razor to shave his beard, if it ever came to that. Since the talk was not given till sixth grade in most public schools and Harry had not been given the talk at home, Harry was absolutely clueless when it came to sex. His cluelessness prompted his next question.

"What's the talk?" Harry asked to the astounded silence of the entire Gryffindor table.


Tigger: So not terribly funny and really just more background setting, but come on you have to imagine who taught Harry the birds and the bees? Certainly not the Dursleys so unfortunately he's left with the people of Hogwarts to teach him, and some of them aren't exactly right in the head. Till next time.