Disclaimer: Most characters belong to Charlaine Harris. Jessica Hamby belongs to Alan Ball. I'm just stepping up because Bill needs to die.
A/N. This Sookehverse is the same as 'Niall and Bill's Adventure' and 'Tissues.' If you haven't read 'Tissues' now would be a good time. There is a reference in here to the ''thing' Eric has going on with Alcide. You might want to read 'Niall and Bill' too.
Bill Compton was sitting alone in his Civil War-era home. Bill, a vampire and 165 years old, had lived in the home when it was new. He had built it with his own two hands. Hands that, once human, were now vampire.
He sometimes marveled at the changes that had occurred in the world. In his long lifetime –even longer deathtime he corrected himself with a snicker. Yes, he had witnessed a great deal. So much in the world and in his existence had changed.
Bill hated it. Bill hated change.
Change was an enemy to Bill. Bill felt most of the ways in which society had changed were not for the better of humanity. When he thought of the youth and innocence of young girls during his lifetime and contrasted them with the lack of morals of young girls today-like Jessica, his vampire child-he was struck with a stark sense of sadness.
Ah do not like all this change. It is not worthy change, he thought.
Looking around his dark and gloomy mansion, Bill had a revelation.
Perhaps it is mah dissatisfaction with the era in which Ah now exist that prompts my reluctance to update the interior of mah home.
Though, he thought, Ah should update the bathroom. Ah have never enjoyed lounging in the tub as Ah used to since the evening Ah arrived home to find Eric Northman in mah clawfoot tub.
Eric.
Bill made a face.
Eric was Bill's superior and the current boyfriend of the lovely Sookie Stackhouse, Bill's former human lover.
Bill hated that Sookie was with Eric. Even though he himself was now happy with Judith, he still wished Sookie free of Eric because, despite all evidence to the contrary, Bill knew Eric could not make Sookie happy.
All this thinking about changes and that, Bill thought, was one thing he dearly wished would change. He wanted Eric away from Sookie.
However, even were Sookie to break up with Eric, there was still Judith now standing between them. Bill, for all his faults, would not be anything other than a one-woman man.
Especially, he thought, now that Lorena is dead.
Bill spent a moment to reflect on his past ladyloves.
First there was Caroline. Then Lorena. Then Judith. Then Diane. Then Sookie. Then Portia. Then Selah. Now, he was with Judith again. That made seven women in 165 years.
Ah am a lover of women and Ah prize them for their beauty and intelligence.
Not so Eric Northman. Eric. Bill frowned. Eric, with his Viking good looks and ability to fly. His charged libido, sexual innuendos, and ever-present joie de vie.
Ah bet Eric has had sex with seven people before Pam has had a chance to cut his hair for the evening.
The thought that 'his' Sookie was with the sexual predator-manimal Northman both sickened and saddened Bill.
"Ah, mah Sookeh," Bill mumbled softly to himself, "we are not to be, yet."
Oh, well, Ah'd best get back to mah housework.
Bill put on his apron and grabbed a Swiffer duster extender. Although Bill realized he could get closer to the ceiling trim and woodwork if he hovered, he felt it was wrong to use his supernatural talents, like hovering, to tackle menial tasks.
There is a right time and place for everything and Bill felt hovering to collect the dustbunnies from the ceiling was wrong.
Ah wonder where Jessica is this evening. Maybe out with Hoyt. That girl always manages to disappear when it is housekeeping time.
Engaged in his dusting, Bill continued to ponder the question of redecorating the interior of his home. Perhaps he did keep it as a shrine to an era long past. However, the one home improvement project he did finally invest in was an upgrading of the electrical wiring. Bill made his living as a computer programmer. For that reason he needed to assure himself that his computers and equipment did not sustain power surges.
Noticing lights flickering, Bill was puzzled.
That is strange. He thought. Sookeh had contractors come in and upgrade the electrical wiring when Ah was in Peru.
A perplexed look on his face, Bill used his supe sense of smell to sniff his home.
Sniff. Sniff.
Do Ah smell smoke?
Back to his ruminations...Bill had asked Sookie to get a contractor in to take care of the electrical wiring. He had requested she take care of this during his most recent research trip, which had been three months earlier.
Sniff. Sniff.
Do Ah smell burning?
Bill had not yet repaid the cost of the electrical upgrading-a copy of the invoice still sat on his desk, along with a note from Sookie. He treasured the note. He knew it by heart.
Bill,
I called Herveaux Contractors to do the upgrading. I guess I was feeling a little guilty about Eric's thing with Alcide. Anyway, I paid out of pocket, nearly $300 for the new switches and wires. I know how you like to take your time paying off debts when it comes to me, but I'd ask that you please not let it sit around for three months like last time. Also, as I mentioned in my email, Alcide said the $300 limit you set was not nearly enough to take care of what needed to be done. It didn't even skim the surface! A lot needs to be done! Alcide wanted me to emphasize that it was a potential fire hazard and you shouldn't put it off thinking you're saving money. You need to get it taken care of immediately!
Hope the Peru trip was fun.
Sookie
Sniff. Sniff.
Bill continued to muse the deeper meaning of Sookie's letter as he made his way up the stairs in search of the source of the troubling smell.
"Care" is underlined twice. "Need" is underlined three times. Ah just know she's trying to secretly tell me how much she cares for and needs me, Bill thought. Ah just don't understand what she means by 'fire hazard.'
Finally he stood on the second floor outside the door that led to the attic stairs.
Bill made a quirking motion with his head. A cute movement on a puppy, it just made Bill look constipated.
He listened. He sniffed. His eyes widened.
Bill's face went from a stoic mask to a wild-eyed look of fear.
He opened the door.
A fireball flung itself down upon him like furies bent on his destruction.
The flames quickly engulfed him -likely his acrylic sweater from Sears and his chemically-treated stain-resistant Dockers not only fed the combustion, but hastened it.
"Ah, Oh No!" Bill screamed in horror. "Ah am being burned alive! Engulfed in flames! The pain is ...ah...excruciating!"
In the meantime, outside Eric Northman bounded up the side of Bill's house from the direction of the cemetery. Sookie, with her arms latched around Eric's neck, was getting a piggyback ride. Together they stood in the shadows of the flames. They watched as Compton's home was engulfed.
"See, lover? I told you I smelled fire."
"Oh," Sookie leaned down to whisper into Eric's ear. "Do you think it was because of the old electrical wiring?"
"Lover, I don't care what the cause was. I'm just pleased I no longer have to suffer that idiot Compton. I could live to be a million and still regret the blinks in time wasted in the company of that fool."
Sookie harrumphed.
"No, Eric. I'm serious. It might be my fault for not authorizing work beyond the limit he set. I just figured it would take him forever to pay me back. Remember how I arranged for the electricians to come?"
"Lover, of course, I remember. For the Were Herveaux to agree to come out on short notice, in the middle of the night, I was forced to cease my torment of him for two weeks." Eric turned his head to better meet her gaze. "I remember it well."
"Poor Eric," she smiled ruefully. "His girlfriend doesn't let him have any fun."
Despite her smile, it was obvious his lover feared herself responsible for the idiot's death. Seeing the beginnings of a frown appear on her face, Eric quickly decided that he would have none of that.
"Lover, did the Were Herveaux not say that the ridiculous amount Compton had authorized for the upgrades was inadequate to remedy the state of decay afflicting his sorry home?"
"Yeah," she answered. "Alcide said it was a negligible change. Like hanging a different color curtain. Bill's house needed a complete rewiring."
"Did you not inform him by letter that he needed to invest in upgrading his strange plywood hut to make it livable?"
"Yeah," Sookie let out a sigh. "I guess you're right."
"Yes, I am. It was Compton's decision, lover. The last time I saw the dolt he babbled on about some Gregorian death chant CD-of-the-month club he had joined."
Sookie sighed. She knew Eric was right.
In the distance they heard the sirens of fire engines approaching.
"Come lover. I do not believe you ever made amends for forcing me to cancel the two Were visits."
Sookie's eyebrow shot up. "Oh, really?"
"Yeah. Really." he grinned.
"All righty, then," Sookie smiled back. "Let's go."
A/N: Thanks to Affynity for the idea for tonight's chapter.
Thanks to hdgcat for keeping me honest. The inspiration behind this story was for Accidental Bill deaths, not Bill murders. I know most of you just want him dead and the how is immaterial, but for me to keep faithful to my...ah...vision of my 1,001 chapter Groundhog Day-like saga of never-ending Bill deaths, they must be accidental. This originally read a bit too much like it was intentional on Sookie's part to murder Bill. Hopefully, it has been remedied.
Reviews welcome.
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NEXT UP: Oh No Vampire Bill! Bill has to go to the Piggly Wiggly to drop off the recycling. Will he get there in one piece? Uh-oh.
