Kaleidoscope Heart, Part II
It surprises Rachel though it shouldn't. She should have seen it coming because as surprising as it might be to everyone else, Santana is the person she stayed the most in contact with. Now with Santana wanting to move to New York, they've talked more and it really strengthened this weird long-distance friendship of theirs. There is also the fact that Santana has always known both Rachel and Quinn better than anyone else. Sure she is Quinn's best friend first, but Rachel knows that Santana cares deeply about her, even if she's pretty bad at showing it.
"You stayed up the entire fucking night talking," she says and straddles the seat on the other side of the picnic table at the park. Rachel groans, kind of and ducks her head in shame.
It's the next morning after the party and since everyone stayed over the night, they all went out to breakfast and then to a park around the corner from Quinn's.
Rachel and Quinn have been inseparable since the night before, and finding a moment when the two weren't together just this morning proved to be quite difficult for Santana. Luckily, Quinn has decided to join the others in a game of tag and is currently chasing after Finn, laughing her ass off. Rachel sighs; she looks really cute.
"Stop staring and answer my question!" Santana snaps at Rachel in a hushed voice.
"Sorry!" Rachel turns violently to Santana, her hair flying with the cold wind. She tugs on her beanie to cover her ears better and says, "I didn't hear the question there."
"Fine," Santana consents. "I didn't ask it but I implied it. What are you doing?"
Rachel is genuinely lost, so she asks, "what am I doing... About what?" She turns again, to find Quinn literally hanging on to Sam. They're both laughing and if she didn't know better, Rachel would think they're related.
"With Quinn! What are you doing with - to Quinn." Santana pulls her attention back by grabbing onto Rachel's chin and making her look at her. "You're engaged."
Rachel suddenly feel defensive. "I know." Her ring-less hand instinctively reaches for the ring and starts twisting it about. "I know I'm engaged, so? I'm not doing anything wrong."
"You can't get married to him, Rach." Santana says. Her voice is almost begging and Rachel gasps at the girl's audacity. "I know. It seems like a lot coming from me but someone has to say it. You shouldn't settle for him because I've known you since we were kids and I fucking think you're amazing. Don't tell anyone I said that because I'll deny it but -" Santana almost sees a smile tug at the corner of Rachel's lips but it doesn't happen. The girl is really serious at the moment. "You're not happy. You can't be. You're getting married to him because you think you have to. Five years is a long time and you already started on the wedding plans and everything, I get it. But, Rachel -" Rachel opens her mouth to try to cut in but Santana doesn't let her. "You deserve better than him. Even your family hates him! You've told me about the way he treats you and do you really expect me to believe you've changed into a girl who doesn't love herself enough to take charge of her own future?"
It seems that Santana is done because there's silence finally. Rachel's cheeks feel burning hot, and she is really offended that someone would attack her life like this. She ignores that nagging at the back of her mind telling her - warning her that Santana is right.
Rachel stands up and joins the game of tag.
It has been almost a week that Rachel's been in town. And this means that during the entire week, Quinn and Rachel hung out like they had never been separated. The duration of the stay was coming to an end and Rachel was feeling bittersweet about her upcoming farewell. Santana's speech has been constantly running through her mind.
To Quinn, Rachel is always saying goodbye and she fucking hates that.
Nevertheless, no matter how much each girl loves spending time with the other, Rachel has to go. Quinn stares at said girl eating her breakfast across the table from her, direct sunlight hitting her face and is amazed at how bright those brown eyes can shine. "So... Did you talk to Brady last night?"
"His name is Brody," Rachel replies without missing a beat. She's still looking out the window, pensive, considering what the past week means to her. "And you know that because you're not dumb."
So the air around them has been tense this morning because Rachel is leaving that night and Quinn doesn't know how to adjust to that. Rachel can feel it too, but Rachel is better at dealing with it.
Rachel is also not stupid. Things are between a rock and a hard place between her and Brody at the moment, especially with him knowing that she met up with an ex. The ex. The ex Brody made her forget about. And sure, she realizes that spending so much time with Quinn might look bad, but they haven't even hugged the entire time. They've kept their distance mostly because both understand that if touching occurs, it'll lead to a kiss and that can't happen.
"Yes but I don't care," Quinn says. She drinks some of her orange juice and tries not to pout. "You haven't answered my question."
Rachel sighs and pushes some hair behind her ear, "yes, I called him last night and told him my flight information." Quinn hums, just to let her know she's listening. She's always been awful about talking about her feelings though. "Is there a problem?"
"It's fine, Rach."
"No, come on. Tell me, please." She rolls her eyes but not at Quinn. She is extremely upset with herself for where they got. She could've stopped it at any moment. If she's being extremely honest, she came to Lima thinking about what it'd be like to see Quinn again. And a single Quinn. "I'm sorry," she tells her not above a whisper.
"What are you sorry for?" Quinn arches one eyebrow and ducks just enough to make eye contact with the beautiful girl in front of her.
Rachel breaks eye contact again, "nothing, forget it. How are your pancakes?" She smiles, way too big to be real at the moment.
After breakfast they manage to get back to a less awkward mood. For their last afternoon together, Quinn convinced Rachel to watch the movie of the year - Avatar, in 3D. Rachel hates 3D and she hates the premise of Avatar even more but she doesn't tell Quinn that, she simply smiles and thanks Quinn for paying for tickets.
She covers snacks since Quinn payed for the tickets, and they find a seat at the very top row. They arrived way too early for the movie. The lights are still on and there isn't a single other person in the room with them.
Quinn stretches her legs until it's pressing against the back of the seats in front of her and lounges on her chair. "This is kinda neat, being here alone."
"It is, isn't it?" Rachel turns to Quinn and laughs at the sight, chewing on some chocolate. "It's kind of peaceful, if you ignore the humongous screen."
Laughing quietly, Quinn steals the box of chocolates from Rachel's hands. "Thanks for coming out with me to watch this movie. I've been dying to see it." Her smile is glorious and Rachel loves basking in it.
She tilts her head, "anytime, Quinn." Then she thinks about it and shakes her head, "I mean, when I'm in town. Not when I'm in New York because that's physically impossible."
People start to slowly fill in the movie theater and Quinn and Rachel continue to talk about their week and what Rachel's plans are for when she goes back to New York. Quinn goes back to Yale too but only a week after. She's almost done with undergraduate school, too, because she's a serious nerd and is an entire year ahead. She's considering a big change in her life soon, she just doesn't know where to.
Finally, when the lights start to dim, Rachel leans towards Quinn and says, "I should visit New Haven."
Her flight is set to depart at 9. It's 7:30 and she and Quinn are in Quinn's car, idling in the driveway of Rachel's cousin's house.
Quinn insisted in taking her to the airport, and so Rachel told her cousins not to worry about it.
"I feel like I'm cheating on him, even though you and I haven't actually kissed," Rachel explains. She sobs, catching air and tears in her throat. "I mean, this shouldn't still feel this right, you know?" She asks through loud labored breaths.
Sure, Quinn knows it all too well. She's focused on the feel of her hands around the cold steering wheel and keeping them there. Her eyes do not dare to move away from it or she'll encounter a red nose, swollen lips Rachel Berry and she's still cute then. But yes, even if they haven't actually done anything, their feelings have definitely been shaken up and awakened in each other's presence.
"Quinn?" Rachel asks, voice tiny.
"Yes?" Quinn tries her best to sound okay, unaffected, but her voice sounds as tiny - if not tinier than Rachel's. A tear fights its way out of the corner of her eye and down her cheek.
"I like you," Rachel confesses. The confession hangs in the air for a second before Rachel continues, thoughts jumbled in her head. "And it's so wrong! I know! I have a fiance and we love each other but - is it right? Am I supposed to get married to soon?"
Santana's words again made their presence known and loud in her head. "I can't tell you that, Rachel."
Quinn and her stupid answers! Rachel is frustrated. She is damn exhausted of life and where life has led her to. It seems strange and way melodramatic but a life without Quinn seems like a boring life now. She had forgotten just how much this girl made a difference and she didn't want to forget that. Rachel finds herself having to look away from Quinn's lips repeatedly.
"Do you like me, too?"
Rachel puts Quinn in a tough spot, because of course Quinn likes her but Quinn cannot for the life of her, tell her that. Not like that anyway. Because it's wrong. And it's wrong because Rachel is engaged to be married in May, and she already feels like she's cheating. Quinn runs a hand through her hair and exhales. "Rach," she tries.
"Quinn, please." Rachel begs and reaches for Quinn's hands. She interlaces their fingers and feels Quinn running her thumb over the back of her hand.
"You very well know the answer to that - don't make me say it, please." Now Quinn is the one begging. This is torture. It physically pains her having Rachel so close yet so unattainable. They could be so good together but Rachel has someone already. Quinn was only there for a week, to be a companion; a friend.
But Rachel is Rachel and she will not relent. "I'm not asking for a confession of love, Quinn! Just to know if you-"
"Of course I like you, Rachel!" It slips out before she can help it, and the hand over her mouth now isn't much help.
That yearn to kiss Rachel bubbles up to the surface again and Quinn does what she's done every other time this happened during this week. She thought about being the other one. Being that guy that Rachel is going home to and how upset she'd be if she found out. She'd already be upset with the amount of time they spent together - ugh, whatever. Guy's a douche and Quinn was nothing but a good friend to Rachel.
Well if that's the case, then how come this is so damn difficult?
"Tell me what to do?"
"What?" Quinn snaps to Rachel, looking up at her with those big brown eyes, the reflection of the moon clear.
"About Brody! About my life! What do I do?" Rachel is desperate. She can hear it in her own voice and she can feel it in her trembling hands. Quinn tries to soother her with the caressing but she can't answer that question.
She breathes deeply and as much as she wants to kiss the daylights out of Rachel and tell her to leave Brody, she can't. "I can't tell you what to do, Rachel." Shaking her head, Quinn wills herself to pull away from Rachel's hands and claim her hands back to herself.
Immediately, Rachel is outraged. For the lack of an answer, for the gaining of space. "Why not? I need help! And you're my friend! And I need your help as a friend." She can't control the crying anymore. She surges forward and rests her forehead on Quinn's arm. The tears roll out her eyes like waterfalls. "I'm lost..." She says, "I don't know what to do."
Quinn can't tell Rachel what to do because she's biased. So biased. And she wants to kiss Rachel's worry and confusion and pain away. But she can't do that either. What she can do is be here. Be here even if here is temporary. She opens her arms and pulls Rachel into a proper hug, over the console.
Rachel clings to Quinn like her life depends on it, and maybe it does, you know? Right now feelings are clawing at every surface of her heart and she has no idea how she's going to survive being married to a man who doesn't love her and who she doesn't love in return. That thought is sending her spinning like crazy.
"I'm so sorry, Rachel," Quinn repeats over and over. This is why she wanted to stay away from Rachel. She would want more; she would want Rachel all to herself and now all she has is a Rachel who is leaving to the arms of another man. "You'll know what to do." She smiles against the top of Rachel's head and feels the girl starting to calm down.
Rachel is nestled in the crook of Quinn's neck, finding home here easier than she's ever found it anywhere else. Her scent of vanilla attacks her senses and she finds that she never wants to let go.
Quinn does pull Rachel away. But only enough so they can look at each other in the eyes. She doesn't break this connection now. "You'll know what to do. I won't tell you what, but you'll know. You're you and I trust you to make the decision that makes you happy. Not Brody... Not me," Quinn's smile falters slightly but she journeys on, "or your fathers, or whoever. But you."
Rachel starts crying hard again, listening to these words from Quinn just makes her feel like she owes herself so much.
"And if you ever feel any doubt about how much you're worth and who lo-" both take a sharp breath and she corrects herself, "who cares for you, then..." Quinn grabs Rachel's shaky right hand and takes it to her own chest. "Feel," she says quietly, as if speaking any louder would ruin the word.
Rachel feels Quinn's heart thumping against her ribcage. It's wild and out of rhythm and maybe a smile starts to form, even as she continues to cry.
Quinn's other hand cups Rachel's wet face and uses her thumb to dry away the tears. "You make me so nervous. So very nervous. But I believe in you so much. And I believe whatever you choose will be the best."
Quinn can read it in Rachel's eyes - the want to kiss her. But she won't let Rachel do it because it's not right for either of them, and it's even not fair to Brody and she doesn't roll like that.
The hand on top of Rachel's over Quinn's chest squeezes. Rachel continues to cry. Quinn uses the other hand to hook it behind Rachel's neck and pulls her back in for another hug. "Let's take you to the airport."
Now when Rachel watches Avatar, three years later, she still remembers that non-date date. She still hates the movie, but she bought it anyway.
After she went home to New York, she watched the movie four other times, every time being dragged by someone else who was dying to see it. None of those times were as special as watching it with her hazel-eyed beauty.
Talking to Brody was especially hard, and calling off the engagement took its toll on her. He threatened her with empty words and even warned her that they would never get back together and that she'd never find someone like him. Then he spat a her that he had cheated on her; multiple times. With different girls, one of which had been a friend of hers.
That hurt and it took a lot of out her. She had to break down the news to many people over, including her family. They were happy.
Quinn, whom she had been Skyping with while she was in New York, didn't gloat or claim territory, which Rachel is still thankful for. She was a friend first, and she told Rachel she was proud of her for making the right choice on her own.
Then summer came along and both girls found themselves in Lima again. They didn't immediately rush into a relationship, even though everyone wanted them to and encouraged them to. Rachel still had a lot of emotional things to sort through and Quinn was present every step of the way.
A kiss, that Quinn left on Rachel's lips as she took a train to New Haven from Grand Station is what cemented it all. They had traveled together from Lima to New York, and as Quinn was making her way to board her train, she looked back to see Rachel's smiling face. And she knew. She knew that in this girl lay her love.
She promptly turned around, walked the last steps to Rachel, who knew exactly what Quinn was coming back for - she opened her arms wide and jumped, Quinn caught her and kissed her.
Quinn asked Rachel to be her girlfriend then, and three years later and Rachel is watching Avatar with the blonde again, and thinking about that day at the movies. "Did you know I wanted to kiss you then?" Rachel asks Quinn, who's laying with her head on Rachel's lap, a smile playfully sitting on her lips.
"Yes, babe. You've told me that before."
"And when did you know you wanted to kiss me?"
"When I first heard you were coming to Lima. And every other time I heard your name or saw your face. And every time in between those times," Quinn tells her, a delicious flirty tilt in every word.
"But you didn't," Rachel reminds her with the same tone.
"I couldn't," Quinn pouts, eyes focused on the TV even though the rest of her body iscompletely focused on Rachel.
Rachel says, "but you can now."
It makes Quinn finally look up at her, with those black-rimmed glasses sitting on her nose and hair spread wild. Rachel loves the image. The white V-neck also suits her well, and from her vantage point, Rachel can appreciate so much with that cut.
Smirking, Quinn nods in agreement and grabs the back of Rachel's neck, "yes, yes I can." They kiss, lips always eager for each other. "Now," Quinn pecks Rachel's lips; the girl still has her eyes closed, reveling in the kiss that just transpired. "There's something else I can say that I couldn't then."
Rachel chuckles with her lips still poised over Quinn, "oh yeah? What's that?"
Quinn sits up, kisses Rachel again, taking her time. Slowly, deliberately, she does so just to prolong the moment. When their eyes meet, she sees Rachel's love for her and knows she can trust this girl with her life and her heart and her soul. And she does.
"I love you."
Rachel kisses her again, losing herself in the feel of Quinn. She mutters, "best New Years ever," into Quinn's mouth and her girlfriend knows she isn't referring to the one that happened two months prior. She's referring to the one that changed their lives forever. "I love you, too."
A/N.: like I said, even though I embellished this story and changed a few details, this is a true story!
My friends are still together.:)
