Chapter 2: WTF THE FUCK
"I'd give this fanfic 2 enthusiastic thumbs up!" –Red Hair Shanks, probably.
There was a collective gasp from the rest of the pirate crew as they watched the curly-haired complete fucking stranger engage in an epic liplock with the resident chef. Nobody knew what to do. Brains were broken. Jaws hit the floor.
But nobody was more surprised than the blond man himself—never in his wildest dreams could he have ever predicted this scenario, no matter how many times he had fantasized about women randomly grabbing him for a hot makeout session. This kind of thing just didn't happen! Yet here she was, pressed up against him and practically melting into him as if he were the oxygen she'd been so desperately deprived of.
It was…
It was just—
All of a sudden, an enormous geyser of blood burst from his nostrils. Sanji was sent flying backwards in an instant, crashing into the railing of the ship with a loud 'crack!'
"S-SANJI!" Chopper shrieked in alarm, immediately having flashbacks of the incident in Fishman Island in which a group of mermaids' boobs nearly ended Sanji's life. The reindeer dashed over toward the chef, who was slumped over with the dopiest of grins adorning his face and rivulets of crimson dribbling from his nose.
Kade snapped out of her daze as she demanded, "Jess, WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Jess had been in complete bliss until the moment Sanji's lips flew away from hers at an alarming speed, his blood taking their place. Jess wiped her hand across the bottom half of her face, noting the wet viscous liquid that came off with it as it dripped unceremoniously onto the grass. The entire front of her shirt was coated his blood as well, and she was so surprised that it took her a moment to collect her thoughts while her gaze traveled to where the fountain of blood had flung her dream prince.
This had never happened in her dreams. She and Sanji had always just made out like crazy, held hands and cuddled, but this…all this blood, and…and…
Jess's head shot up, her eyes widening as she met Kade's gaze. "OH MY GOD…THIS…THIS ISNT A DREAM, IS IT?"
The bewildered girl kept looking from Kade to Chopper fussing over Sanji, and down at her blood stained self, then back. Suddenly she couldn't help but break out into a grin of her own at what she'd just done. She was about to go off into la-la-land again when Kade snapped her fingers in front of Jess's face.
"Focus up!" Kade hissed.
Jess continued to grin, and gave her BFF a not-so-apologetic look. "What? Like you wouldn't be making out with Law if he were here!"
Kade looked chagrined as she hastily said, "Look, we don't know what this is, but until we figure it out, let's not do any—"
As if on cue, the universe's sexiest surgeon materialized from somewhere on the Sunny, a stern look on his face and Kikoku slung over his shoulder. There was an awful lot of yelling going on up there—was it an enemy? Trafalgar Law, or at least a man who appeared to be him, sought out the Sunny's Captain.
"OI, Strawhat-ya, what's going on out here…?" He demanded in a deep, velvety voice.
"—thing…stupid…" Kade trailed off as her mouth suddenly went dry. She froze. That voice. It was like pure fucking silk—hell, it alone had the power to drop many a panty—and she would have known it anywhere. Slowly, in robotic increments, she turned her head to look back at him, and immediately a gust of breath left her lips. "Oh, fuck me," she cursed under her breath.
"SHE KILLED SANJI!" Usopp was shouting dramatically as he pointed an accusing finger at Jess. "They must be some kind of assassins! LUFFY, WHY DID YOU RESCUE THEM?!"
Law cocked his head to the side slightly as he eyed the newcomers. He was eerily calm, as if he saw incidents of hysteria and near-death all the time. Not too farfetched, really.
"Chopper-ya, do they need medical treatment?" His gaze moved to Sanji and he sighed heavily. "No need to even ask if he does…"
Currently, Chopper was freaking out as he fussed over the fallen chef. "GYAAAH! HANG ON SANJI, DON'T DIE! I'll go set up an IV line for a blood transfusion so HOLD ON!" The little reindeer dashed off into the Sunny for his medical tools, his hooves clacking loudly as he hit the wooden parts of the deck.
Meanwhile Luffy just continued to grin and laugh at the scene laid out before him. "SHISHISHISHI THIS IS AWESOME!" He smelled an adventure coming on for sure.
"We…didn't do drugs, right…?" Kade whispered to Jess.
"YOU IDIOTS!" Nami's voice boomed above the others as she walked over to the blood-covered man. "Sanji-kun, are you alright?" When the only answer was just more gurgling and smiling, she rolled her eyes and walked away from him. "UGH, SO STUPID!"
Luffy's gaze wandered over to Jess and he announced, "I think you just made Sanji's dream come true!" He walked over and squatted in front of the woman with dark, curly hair and held out his hand. "I'm Monkey D. Luffy, the man who's going to be King of the Pirates!"
Kade gave a skeptical snort, "Yeah, sure you are…"
As Jess was getting a good look at Luffy, she couldn't bring herself to do anything but stare, and that…that catchphrase of his! She opened her mouth but all that would come out was, "Ah…uh…OH…UM…" before her eyes rolled back into her head and she lost consciousness in the soft grass of the deck.
Immediately, Luffy busted out laughing again. "SHISHISHISHI! YOU GUYS ARE FUNNY!" He exclaimed.
"Jess?" Kade shook her unconscious best friend, but to no avail; she was out like a light. "Christ, don't leave me alone with these…these…whoever they are!"
"More strays, Strawhat-ya?" Law remarked after witnessing the curly-haired one's odd behavior.
"Oi! Trafal-guy, she's broken! Come fix her!" Luffy insisted.
Chopper came hurrying back, his arms full of all the medical equipment he could carry. He squeaked in alarm when he saw Jess's prone, keeled-over form on the grass. "Gah! Her, too?" He gave the Heart Pirate Captain a pleading look just then. "Trafal-guy, please help!"
Law made a small noise of discontent. Was this going to be just like that fucking fiasco on Punk Hazard, where the crew—though mainly Luffy—refused to cooperate until he had helped those drug-addled children? And this time he couldn't even use the excuse of not having any time to spare…
What the fuck was wrong with this crew?
Shaking his head slightly, the surgeon grudgingly walked over to where Kade was kneeling beside her unconscious friend. He squatted beside her, staring directly into her eyes.
"Are you hurt?" It was supposed to be a legitimate question, but it came out in a flat tone and sounded a little menacing.
Kade simply gawked back at him, rather like a deer in headlights. Her mind was racing. He was fucking gorgeous up close. What the hell? Those eyes, damn it, they practically pierced right through her. Steel-colored irises set above dark shadows. Intense. It was almost ridiculous. Was he actually trying to kill her?! She thought perhaps she was hallucinating, if not dreaming… Shit, whatever happened to the two of them must have been incredibly traumatic to result in this level of psychosis!
It was just then that she realized she'd been silent and gaping for far too long, and her brain scrambled to put words together. "I…err…I don't—I can't remember," she finally stammered. "I don't know how we got here…"
Law looked quizzically at her, suspecting serious head trauma. He pressed his hand against Kade's forehead, feeling for a fever. It seemed they'd been fished out of the water, judging by the soaking wet clothes they were both garbed in.
"We need to get them into dry clothes," the surgeon announced, his gaze traveling to the navigator's. "The water down there is freezing and they're liable to start running fevers. Don't let Blackleg-ya near them, either."
"YOU ARE THE BEST, TRAFAL-GUY!" Luffy grinned and whipped his head over to meet the gaze of who appeared to be Nico Robin. "SEE ROBIN, I TOLD YOU HE WAS COOL!"
Luffy remembered the warning that she'd given him back on Punk Hazard about entering into an alliance with the former Shichibukai. But Law SAID he wouldn't betray him, and now look—he was helping more people! Luffy still believed he'd made the right choice.
"Indeed." Robin nodded, an amused look on her face.
Nami shook her head, suddenly remembering her duties as navigator, and she called for the shipwright. "FRANKY! Can you get the ship back on course?" The detour to save the two waterlogged women was taking them further from their intended destination by the second.
During the exchanges between the crewmates, Kade happened to glance down at herself. It was then that she noticed her handbag was still slung across her shoulder. That was it! Immediately she unzipped the waterlogged bag, retrieving what was surely to result in a plot point—her cell phone! How convenient that she'd managed to keep it with her despite nearly drowning in the ocean. Shit, why hadn't she thought about this before? She could call for help! They could actually get some answers as to where the hell they were!
But as she swiped her finger across the screen, her hopes were immediately dashed when there appeared to be no signal whatsoever. Kade felt her heart sink. "Shit. Of course. There would be no fucking service out here." She grumbled out a sigh, glancing up at the surrounding crew members. "Don't suppose you guys happen to have a Wi-Fi hotspot out here…?"
Luffy tilted his head. "What's THAT taste like?!" Immediately, his mind was sucked into a food-themed tunnel. "Ahh, I'M SO HUNGRY! Oi, Chopper! Hurry up and fix Sanji so he can make lunch!"
Nami scowled. "Luffy, honestly!"
Kade frowned. She wondered if maybe these people were simply cosplayers. Really, really fucking talented cosplayers. That was the only explanation she could think of! And damned if they weren't a dedicated bunch.
"Okay, yeah, you can stop playing dumb already," she said, rolling her eyes for effect. "Everyone knows what Wi-Fi is. WI-FI!" She repeated while most of them only gave her blank stares.
Usopp peered back at her in curiosity. "I've never heard of that! Does it have to do with that thing you're holding?" He gestured toward the device in Kade's hand.
Kade thought maybe she ought to give up for now; either they were determined to keep up the act, or she was simply in the midst of a major psychotic break. But before anything else could transpire, a 'yohohoho!' was heard from nearby and a living skeleton with a rather large afro pushed his way between Law and Kade.
"WAIT!" The black gaze of his eye sockets traveled to Kade's face. "Hello, young lady. Pleased to meet you! May I see your panties?"
"What the—" Kade balked as she took in the skeleton's appearance. "JESUS CHRIST, that one is dead! How did you do that?!" She couldn't stop herself from staring, wondering how this particular cosplayer had managed to create such a realistic costume.
Brook bowed elegantly before her. "Ah, allow me to introduce myself! I am Dead Bones Brook! YOHOHOHO! I ate the Yomi Yomi Fruit before I died, but by the time my soul found its way back to my body, it was already JUST BONES!" He opened his mouth in a grin and laughed heartily once more.
Kade's eyes were wide in awe. "It looks SO REAL! Can I touch your face?" She asked without thinking.
The skeleton managed to blush, which was just about the weirdest fucking thing Kade had seen to date. "WHY, OF COURSE YOU CAN!" He continued to redden while Kade gingerly reached out to touch his cheekbone, grimacing slightly as she did so.
"Well, I'll give you this—you guys are pretty fucking serious about this," she said, still bewildered.
Luffy crammed himself between Law and the two girls just then, and then began to slap Jess in the face. "HEY! HEY, WAKE UP! OOIIIII!"
Nami stomped over to grab Luffy by the cheek, pulling his face back toward her. "Cut that out, you idiot! YOU'RE HURTING HER!"
"I just wanted her to wake up," Luffy pouted.
"That's just going to KILL HER!" Nami snapped back in exasperation.
Jess began muttering in her unconscious state; the words 'Sanji' and 'mellorine' could be heard amidst incoherent babbling. Moments later, her eyes fluttered open and she sat up, disoriented. She squinted up at the two figures who were standing near her, and recognizing who they were, she greeted them without thinking.
"Oh, hey Luffy. Nami."
Nami took a quick step back, her eyes widening. "WHAT? We didn't tell you our names…"
"I DID!" Luffy piped up. "But she was passed out."
The navigator continued to step away from the girls slowly, calling over her shoulder, "FRANKY! Are we back on course yet? Please tell me something has gone right today…"
A loud, gravelly voice called back to her, "ALMOST, NAMI! We took a suuuuuuuuuuper detour!"
Law shook his head, the physician in him taking over. "They both need to lay down, and they need dry clothes as soon as possible. Nami-ya, Nico-ya, maybe you have something they can fit in."
Jess snorted at his suggestion. "Not likely, with the chests they have."
Kade crossed her arms tightly in defiance. "No, I don't want to lay down, I want answers!" She insisted.
Jess finally got a look at the person tending to them, and her cheeks immediately reddened. Unable to contain herself, her mouth dropped open and she blurted out, "DAYUUMMM! He's so fucking hot!"
Law's face twitched in annoyance, but he held back since she was currently his patient.
Jess continued addressing herself to Kade, "Man, homie, I can't wait to wake up so I can tell you about this fucking awesome dream! Don't worry, I won't make out with Law too."
Kade grimaced. "Jess, seriously…"
"What?" She seemed genuinely baffled, as if she didn't think she'd said anything wrong.
Nami ignored their exchange and simply looked past them to Law. "I'll go see what clothes we can find for them." With that, she turned and walked swiftly toward the upper deck, disappearing up the stairs and through the door to the women's quarters.
Kade watched her go, and then let out an exasperated sigh. She tilted her head toward Jess and muttered, "I think these guys are probably cosplayers, but they haven't broken character AT ALL."
"Wait…you mean there was a One Piece convention in Colorado and we WEREN'T at it? Or GOING TO IT? Or even KNEW ABOUT IT? What lake is this that we're on?"
"DUDE, there AREN'T any lakes like this in Colorado! We aren't even IN Colorado anymore…"
"Oh…HERP DERP, I guess I really don't know anything about geography! And all these guys ARE speaking English."
"Oh yeah, I noticed I could actually understand what they're saying…" Even as Kade said this, a part of her doubted the cosplayer theory again. Law's voice sounded exactly the same as she'd always heard it in the anime, just…the words were different, that was all. It was so fucking surreal.
Luffy laughed loudly again. "SEE LOOK, THEY'RE COOL! They know about One Piece!" He jumped closer to the two of them. "HEY! Do you guys want to join my crew?"
Jess grinned at the boy. "Fuck yeah I do, Luffy! I've been waiting my whole life for you to ask me that!"
"SHISHISHISHI, AWESOME! But you can't break Sanji again, I need him to cook for me!"
Kade smacked Jess lightly on the arm. "Okay, if you keep doing that I might have to pretend I don't know you. You'll get us in trouble talking like that!"
Jess rolled her eyes. "Come ON, Fucking Monkey D. Luffy just asked me to join his crew. Even if it's fake I'm not gonna say NO."
Law looked slightly alarmed by her words, but then again, Luffy was a world-famous and extremely wanted pirate. "You two are rather suspicious…"
But they didn't seem to have heard him, even though he was right there in front of them, because the two ladies continued to banter back and forth:
"I'd rather wait until we know what the hell is going on before just blurting stuff out," Kade argued, trying to convince Jess to be more discreet. "And anyway, if it is a dream then which one of us is dreaming?"
Jess shrugged. "I don't know, but it's the most realistic dream either of us has ever had. I mean…haven't we talked about how much we wanted something like this to happen a hundred times?"
The cold was quickly catching up to them after being wet and in the wind for so long, and Kade began to shiver harder. "I am NOT kidding, I'm going to start telling them you're crazy." She hugged herself in an attempt to hold in whatever warmth was left in her body.
"Oh PLEASE," Jess retorted. "Like Luffy WOULDN'T ask us to join his crew? Obviously that's part of the act!"
"Just…let's just…maybe play along until we know a little more about what's going on," Kade insisted, and then looked up to notice Nami and Robin returning to the lower deck with some dry clothes.
Even covered in blood and freezing, Jess seemed to have her mind on other things. "Do you think Sanji's okay?"
Everyone ignored her question as the girls presented the newcomers with the clothing.
"These look like they might fit you," Nami said.
Jess looked at them suspiciously, "They're not just bras, are they?"
Nami frowned at her bluntness. "NO, we just left somewhere cold! These are warm clothes, hopefully you'll stop shivering. And also, you're welcome."
Kade was first to reach out and accept the offered clothing from Nami, attempting a look of gratitude, although it was hard to tell which emotion managed to make it onto her partially frozen face. "Th-thanks. Um, where's your bathroom?"
Robin smiled back, an unreadable expression in her eyes. "I'll show you to it," she said, motioning for Kade to follow along.
Kade hesitated for a moment, unsure of whether or not she should leave Jess alone. For a whole range of reasons, really. She was being far too familiar with them and Kade was sure that they were going to get into trouble somehow. However, after some consideration, the chill won out and she nodded her assent. "Well, alright…"
As Robin led Kade into the ship, the commotion on the deck continued in full-swing. Brook had begun to practically float about, murmuring something about how one of the newcomers had touched his skull. Sanji was still smiling like an idiot while unconscious, as Chopper monitored the blood transfusion. Luffy bounded over to the two of them, hovering over the chef as he anxiously awaited Sanji's return to consciousness and, subsequently, the kitchen.
"Ugh," Nami sighed, palming her forehead. "We just can't catch a break…"
"Hey Nami," Jess spoke up once Kade and Robin were out of hearing range, "are you and Usopp dating?"
Jess happened to be a hardcore UsoNam shipper and she just couldn't help herself from asking, even though she knew that there was no romance in One Piece. Not any serious romance, anyway.
The orange-haired girl looked at her quizzically. "What…? What are you talking about?" Nami shook her head. "I'm still weirded out by the fact that you already knew our names…speaking of which, what's yours?"
"Call me Jess." She grinned back at Nami.
Nami narrowed her eyes, stepping closer. "Jess…are you, by chance, a government SPY?"
"WHAT?! No…no, I work at a medical billing company. I yell at insurance companies all day to give me money!"
Beli signs suddenly lit up Nami's eyes. "Money, huh?"
Jess laughed. "You're so much like the real Nami! Can I see your Clima-Tact?"
Usopp, who'd been listening in on them nearby, suddenly piped up, "Oi, what did you mean when you said the 'REAL' Nami?"
"MY thoughts exactly," Nami said, crossing her arms as she contemplated this 'Jess.' Sure, the Strawhat pirates had made quite the name for themselves and it certainly wouldn't be unusual for civilians to have heard a great deal about them, but still…Jess's familiarity with the crew struck her as odd and a little unnerving.
Usopp snapped his fingers just then. "Oh! You must be referring to those imposters who were on Sabaody! Yeah they were pretty ugly, but our real selves are much better looking!" He said with a wide and boastful grin.
Not being able to help herself, Jess gave Usopp a once over and hummed with approval. "You're right about that, damn boy you got really sexy these past two years! You're even better looking in person!" She turned back to the navigator momentarily. "Nami, you gotta lock this one down," she said with a wink.
Nami shook her head. "What are you going on about? Are there rumors that me and Usopp are dating?"
Usopp laughed nervously and blushed at Jess's compliments, rubbing the back of his head. "AHAHAHA, well of course I know that!" Inside, he was so awkward about this entire conversation. No woman had ever complimented his appearance before, despite the number of female fans he claimed to have. And now apparently there were rumors flying about him and Nami?
Jess continued to study Usopp now that he'd stopped accusing her of Sanji's murder and wasn't so standoffish. His nose looked incredibly real—not at all like a prosthetic that a cosplayer would use. She wanted to touch it, but figured she was already being weird enough. If she grabbed Usopp's nose out of the blue, that would probably tip the scales in favor of the Strawhats throwing her back overboard.
Law walked over to where Luffy was hovering over Sanji as Chopper continued to tend him. "There's something off about those two…I wouldn't trust them if I were you, Strawhat-ya."
"HEY!" Luffy protested. "They seem nice."
Law shook his head. "Nico-ya was right, you ARE too trusting…" Typical Luffy behavior, as Law was beginning to find out firsthand.
He didn't plan to trust anyone who just so conveniently came out of nowhere needing their help, that was for damn sure. In fact, if it were up to him, he'd have just kept on sailing toward their original destination. It wasn't as if Law were some kind of heartless bastard…okay, well, technically at the moment his physical heart was locked up somewhere safe below deck, so if you wanted to be precise then sure, he was quite literally heartless at the moment. Still, there were more important issues at play; particularly a personal mission thirteen years in the making, and time was of the essence right now.
Law would be damned if he allowed a couple of weirdo strangers and the Strawhat crew's mindless misadventures to get in the way of seeing his quest through to the end.
