So, my friends, you wish to return to that world of happy madness that you visited once before

So, my friends, you wish to return to that world of happy madness that you visited once before? Then picture the scene once more, and we will begin…

There are far too many people in Argus Filch's office than can comfortably fit in. In fact, there are more people in there than can possibly fit in, according to all laws of physics and other intellectual stuff. But as none of this is real, and besides, none of these people understand physics, they're all in there. There is Charlz, the legendary, world renowned fan fic authoress. There are her friends, Ellie, Liz and Freyja. There are Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and the Weasley twins, Argus Filch himself and a number of strange men in black suits and bowler hats who keep saying "good day there", "I say how are you old chap", "splendid" and other similar stuff. Oh and there's Britney Spears.

One of the Weasley twins spots Britney Spears and screams in absolute terror.

"Make her leave, make her leave!" he yells in the direction of Charlz, who is theoretically controlling this whole thing.

"Please," says Argus Filch. "Please, just don't let her sing!"

"Alright, alright," says Charlz, taking charge as best she can, which is well considering she's stuck under a desk unable to move.

"Get lost Britney!"

"Ooh, hit me baby one more time!" Britney sings. Well, perhaps sings isn't the right word. Anyway, everyone who is capable of hitting her, baby, one more time, is only too happy to oblige. Apart from Fred Weasley, who is too afraid.

Britney, thankfully, disappears. Everyone breathes a huge sigh of relief.

"Oh good day old chap!" says a man in a bowler hat to Remus.

"Er….yeah," says Remus. "Er…Charlz? Who are these blokes?"

"No idea. But look, I've found out how to get rid of them!"

"How?"

"Observe."

There is a little more room now Britney Spears has gone, so Charlz can get out from under the desk and stand up.

"SPICE GIRLS!" she says loudly to one of the random blokes in bowler hats, who looks scared.

"Where? Where?" he says nervously before disappearing.

"Cool!" Everyone else catches on and a few minutes later all the random blokes have gone too, which means we can get on with the non-existent story.

"So," says Argus Filch, "you think yourselves above the law, is that it? You think that just because this is all in YOUR HEAD…" He points at Charlz in an obvious and futile attempt to look dramatic. "You think that just because of that, it is alright for you to commit vile and base crimes, crimes so heinous…"

He continues in this vein for some time. Everyone wonders what their crimes were, having forgotten, apart from Ellie who is busy trying to convince Sirius that he loves her. It's not working and Liz is looking slightly murderous. Sirius is just looking worried, probably hoping that they're not going to start fighting over whose he is again.

"Er….excuse me?" says George to Filch. "Er, how did we break all laws of civilised society? What did we actually do again?"

Snape, aged about eighteen as Remus and Sirius are, materialises on Filch's desk wearing a tutu and stripy tights. Everyone recoils slightly as he is truly vile.

"Why are you wearing that stuff?" Sirius yells to him.

"What stuff?" says Snape, looking down at himself. "I always wear this! Mummy says it makes me look pretty…"

"Oh god," says Charlz in horror.

"Anyway, Filch," says this even more horrific (if that's possible) version of Snape than the one we know and don't love. Or even like. "What did they do?"

Then he spots Remus.

"WEREWOLF!" he screams. "HE'S A WEREWOLF!"

Remus looks hurt.

"At least I don't wear tights. And at least I wash my hair!"

"YES BUT HE'S A WEREWOLF!!"

"Yeah, we know," says Charlz.

"You KNOW! You know he's a werewolf? And you don't care?"

"Yeah."

"D'OH!" And with that Snape disappears. He reappears.

"All I wanted to do was make people's lives a misery!" he wails, and is gone again. This time it's forever, we hope.

Remus looks happy that nobody cares he's a werewolf because he's so lovely. Filch decides to tell our heroes what they've done.

"I caught you," he whispers, trying once more to be dramatic. "I caught you…..HAVING FUN!!!"

George and Fred raise their eyebrows.

"Is that it?"

"That's not against the law!"

"Well actually," says Hermione, apparating into the centre of the room with a huge book in her arms, "having fun was outlawed in this land…"

"THIS IS MY LAND!" says Charlz. "I invented this land! It's wanton insanity land where random pink disease can strike at any moment!"

The whole room and everything in it turns pink.

"Oh", says Charlz. "Oops, I did it again, I played with…anyway…"

The room turns blue. Then grey then orange and then half blue and half orange and eventually back to it's normal colours.

"Sorry! Hey…if this is my land…I can make up the laws…coool!"

She tries to think up some cool law while Hermione tells everyone else that they should be more responsible than to have fun.

"Get lost," says Sirius.

"ARGGHHHH!" says Hermione. "AAHHH WHERE AM I! Help me, I don't know where I am! I'm…"

"Out cold!" says Freyja, having finally had enough of the get lost thing and knocking Hermione over the head with her own book.

"It is illegal for you…" Charlz points at Filch, imitating his not-dramatic expression, "…to exist!" she finishes.

"D'oh," says Filch forlornly, and disappears.

"Hey, let's go to the kitchens!" says Remus. "I'm starving!"

"Cake!" Charlz and Sirius both yell. "Cake cake cake cake cake…"

Ellie falls about laughing hysterically.

"What?" says Liz.

"There were two cows in a field," Ellie manages to gasp before laughing again.

"Huh?" says everyone except Charlz, Freyja and Liz, who know what's coming next.

"There were two cows in a field," Ellie repeats when she's calmed down a bit, "and one fell over!" And she collapses into hysterics again, along with Charlz.

Everyone leaves to get food, and realising they don't know the way to the kitchens, Charlz and Ellie try to calm down and follow them.

In the kitchens of Hogwarts, they find a Professor Trelawney and Winky at a small round table that looks to have come from Professor Trelawney's room in the north tower. Both of them look very, very drunk. The bottles of various kinds of alcohol both on the table and the floor around it confirm this.

"Vee sfeeeeds," says Winky slowly, drinking from a bottle of Vodka. "Vee…vee do not like zee vod-kah. Vee sfeeds neffer, neffer, effer….drink. Hee hee hee!"

"Absolutely right! Never drink, eh? Give us some of that."

"Drowning your sorrows?" Liz asks.

"He doesn't love me!" says Winky, tears running down her cheeks. "He swore that he would marry me but…he, he left me!"

"Who did?"

"Dobby! He left me…for…for Voldemort!"

"Oh, good for him you're a miserable little…" Ron starts, appearing on a hob on one of the many ovens.

Fred walks over to the oven.

"If I press this button," he says maliciously, finger lightly touching a button, "I'll set your arse on fire."

"Uh-oh. I'm off!" A broomstick appears and he gets on it and flies off through the wall.

"I'm not miserable!" Winky wails, dissolving once more into tears.

"It's OK," says Ellie. "We know you're not, it was just Ron being mean. Ignore him. Hey, this is a Harry Potter fic right?"

"Well, theoretically," says Charlz.

"So, where's Harry Potter?"

Suddenly they hear a muffled voice and thumps from somewhere.

"He's in the freezer," says Trelawney, looking happy about this. "Severus put him in there because he was late. Oh isn't he wonderful!"

"What, Harry?"

"No, idiot boy, Severus!"

"You're in love with Snape?" says Remus incredulously.

"She wouldn't be, had she seen him in that, urgh, tutu," Charlz mutters.

"You do know he wears tights?"

"I know! I know, aren't they sexy?"

Everyone looks at her frozen in horror. Then they hear the muffled voice again and remember that Harry is in the freezer.

"Don't let him out!" says Trelawney.

"Why?"

"Horrible fate! Awful death! These await him! He would be safer to stay in that freezer forever. And eskimo, you might…"

"Oh shut up!"

Sirius opens the door and pulls Harry out of the freezer.

"Hi Harry!"

"Who the hell are you? Who are these people? What the hell is going on?"

"Look at this neat trick!" says Sirius, and turns into a dog.

"The grim, the grim, the grim, the grim, the grim!" shrieks Professor Trelawney, and faints.

"Cool!" says Harry. "You can make Professor Trelawney faint! Can you teach me that?"

"No," says Sirius, wishing that Harry had noticed that he can turn into a dog.

"Fred!" says George suddenly. "Fred! I am….your father!"

"No, George, BROTHER, remember??"

"No! I'm your…father!"

"Whatever. Let's eat!"

Winky has fallen asleep at the teeny table, but there are a few other house elves around.

"What does sir want?" one asks Remus.

"Er…a…what does that say?"

The elf is wearing a little badge. Die Hermione Die, it says on it.

"What's that for?" Remus asks. "Hermione's alright! Not as good as you, of course," he assures Charlz.

"She is trying to corrupt our minds sir. We is standing against her. We is making a device to defeat her with! Look!"

The house elf pushes a little lever on the wall. Suddenly all the walls lift up or open like doors to reveal little workshops full of elves building stuff.

"You're going to defeat her with Christmas presents?" says Harry sceptically.

"Yes! We is indeed!"

Not even bothering to try and work out the logic to this, they decide to give up on food and leave.

"Alright. Er…yeah. Ok. Bye."

While they walk the corridors, Charlz shows them a little badge she has on.

"I AM THE ANTI-CHO" it says.

"I have one of them!" says Fred.

"And me!"

"Yeah, me too!"

"Hey, how can we all be the anticho?"

"Hey!" says Harry. "Cho's really nice! I'm in love with her!"

"No you're not. Give it up, admit you're in love with Malfoy!"

"How did you know?" says Harry turning red.

Draco Malfoy apparates right next to them. So does Hermione.

"You can't apparate or disapparate in here! It's impossible! So stop it!" She disapparates.

Everyone blinks and shakes their heads as they've found themselves doing fairly often in the past few hours.

"Anyway," Malfoy drawls. "Do you love me Harry?"

"Well, yeah, actually I do."

"Oh how nice! I love you too! Do you want to go skipping and then pick some flowers?"

"Of course dear! Let me just get my bonnet!"

Malfoy blushes slightly.

"I've already got it for you. Here."

He produces a pink flowery bonnet from his robes and gives it to Harry. He then produces another one.

"Look, I've got a matching one! Do you like it?"

"Yes. Oh aren't bonnets pretty?"

"Wonderful aren't they? Shall we depart?"

"Oh, no, hang on….I have a present for you…"

He produces a package from mid air.

"It's matching dresses, to go with our matching bonnets!"

"Wow! Oh Harry that's so sweeet!"

"I wasn't sure if you liked pink or blue best. So I went for pink. It's much more………feminine! Do you like it?"

"I love it! Thankyou!"

They put on their completely vile dresses.

"Shall we go now?"

"Absolutely."

Harry and Malfoy skip off hand in hand, complete with matching dresses and bonnets.

"Scary," Remus comments.

"Oh, I think they're the perfect couple!" Charlz says.

"Yeah, they are kinda sweet together," Liz agrees.

"Shame Malfoy's gay though. He's kind of cute…"

"Hey! What about me?" says Remus.

"Oh, you're more cute. He just has really nice grey eyes…"

"I have grey eyes too!"

"Yeah. Yeah, I reckon I like you better."

"You reckon?"

"No, I know it. Sorry."

Meanwhile, Ellie is tired.

"I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed for a bit."

"Can I come?" says Sirius.

"Oh so you love me now do you?"

"I always did! Oh pleeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"Yeah, alright."

Liz is about to commit double homicide when a huge hole opens up in the floor in front of them. Being the stupid idiots they are, they walk straight in. But Remus manages to grab Charlz's hand and she is left hanging there over the edge of an extremely deep hole.

Remus is singing. It's not pretty.

"Josephine in a flying machine and it's up she goes, up she…"

"Don't let go!"

"I won't let go!"

He lets go.

Then he jumps in after everyone else.

A few seconds later he finds himself on a huge sofa with everyone else. Freyja is stroking it fondly.

"Lesbian couch! Aww, little lesbian couch!" (AN – sorry all you people who won't get this or some other of the jokes!)

"Where are we?"

"No idea."

Charlz jumps off the couch.

"You are in heaven baby, yeah!" says a massive voice from nowhere.

"OK, well, that just…groovy…baby, but, well…we'll just be…going."

"Psychadellic campervan heaven, man. All good campervans, those groovin' campervans that follow the psychadellist, they come here, yeah baby, when they, like, die man."

"Groovy baby!" says Ellie. She's getting into this groovy, yeah baby stuff. "Let's go and look around!"

So they do. After walking around a bit, they hear music, like humming. And they see, by the light of many candles, endless campervans, all psychadellic but each unique. Sitting in a circle are Voldie, Dobby and two girls. They seem to be teaching the campervans about spiritual questing and meditation.

"To find your inner self you must ask yourself what do you want? When you know what you truly want, then you know who you truly are!" says Voldie.

"What a load of crap!" says Ellie loudly.

One of the campervans puts its hand up. Quite an acheivement for something with no hands.

"How did it do that?"

"No idea…"

"Yes, Sam?" says one of the girls.

"Sam the campervan?"

"Louise?" Charlz yells. "Louise, you're in it! I said you would be!"

"Yey! Hey, scarebowl! And guess who's here too?"

"Hey KTF!"

"Hey CHAAAARLZ."

"Shut up."

"You shut up, we're teaching campervans here.

"So what is this place? These are all….dead campervans?"

"Well, ones with no owners. Poor things. So we reform them, as it were, teach them how to find their inner selves, as we have done!"

Sirius has sudden inspiration.

"Hey! Hey, campervans! We…" He gestured all of them with his hand. "…are going on a tour around the world. The thing is we need a…well, a campervan. Would any of you be willing to take us round the world?"

"We're going on a tour around the world?"

"Didn't I say we'd go travelling in a campervan?"

"I would!" says that most distinguished among vans, the one they call Sam.

"Campervans can talk?"

And so it is decided. They will go on a tour of the world in a reformed campervan called Sam.

It would seem that you are leaving

But you've so much to learn

Like what is going to happen next –

I know that you'll return

So insanity will reign again

You know that it is true

But if you want me to write more

(I really don't see why you would

But then again I guess you could)

Then please read and review!!!!!