Chapter two:

SONOFABITCH! How the hell does that fatass get away with beating the shit out of a kid with a textbook? Sitting here in purgatory or whatever the hell people call it because Hell is, 'Out of Order' is bullshit. Damien's going to kill me before sundown, I know that much. I can't say I didn't warn him that it would be difficult to not die though, especially if you're me, who happens to be a magnet for death. Heaving a stressful sigh, I tried to remember what caused me to get a history book to the skull. Apparently making a comment over someone's weight angers them to the point of homicide? Alright, that seems logical. If you're a fucking psychopath, goddamn it! Even though that pretty much fits Cartman's profile. I take in my surroundings, noting the strange shit floating around me. No offense, but if that's what I look like when I die, I might just actually try to keep up my health. I guess the little nasty wisps of god-knows-what are these 'souls' waiting for judgment.

Taking a few more minutes to collect myself and secure my balls, I prepare from what I know is about to hit me. Speak of the dev-

"YOU ASSHOLE! I told you not to die! How hard is that?" The dark boy seethed. Come to think of it, I haven't seen him this riled up since the sixth of June back in two-thousand and six. Ha, just joking, but I guess now's not the time for that.

"You know, I can't just decide not to die, dickwad." I spat as I furrowed my brow. Might as well hold my ground –er, sorry, lack of.

"Well maybe, you should at least use some COMMON SENSE to not put your dumb ass into such situations!" Damien retaliated. Looks like he wasn't planning on backing down anytime soon. I folded my arms over my chest stubbornly.

"It wasn't my fault that Cartman took a liking to beating the common sense out of me with a fucking textbook." At least I wouldn't go down without some sort of fight, if this even counts as fighting back. It sounds more like me pathetically whining like a pussy, but I suppose that would suffice, considering my current situation.

"Oh really, and I suppose that people just beat the crap out of others without, oh I don't know, some redneck retard making a comment to fuel it? Hmm, sounds a bit like it sure as hell was your fault!" The Dark Prince steamed off. "My dad is going to kick my ass to heaven and back. I hope you're happy, McCormick!"

"Oh, quite the contrary, Damien. I'm very saddened by the fact that you are to be the one to get your ass kicked. I am so very sorry." I patronized. Probably not the best idea, but being the jackass that I am, I figured, "why not". Big mistake on my part.

"I'll be sure to inform my father of your attitude towards me. I'm sure he'd be happy to castrate another fallen 'angel'." He turned his nose up and crossed his arms. I stood there flabbergasted for a second. Did I just hear a, 'tattle'?

"Are you…telling on me?" I couldn't keep the amusement from my voice. "What are we, third graders?" By now I couldn't even hold back a giggle. I burst out laughing, rolling around in- well, whatever this was. It seemed he wasn't as serious as he sounded because he also let out a laugh.

"Fuck you, Kenny." He smirked and rubbed his eyes. I was pretty good at lightening the mood, although it almost cost me my manhood.

"Love you too, bro." I replied, smiling. Only a few minutes of awkward silence passed before Damien said, "Time's up" and let me go back.

Dazed and dizzy, I lifted my head from the same spot I was mutilated at. Oh that's just nice; don't bring the dying kid to the nurse. Let's just leave him. Sometimes this school is something else. I got up from my history class seat and grabbed my notebook before checking my phone. It was only about nine thirty. Not cool, I was supposed to meet the guys by Kyle's locker before our next class that we had together. I was sure they'd be worried, and although Cartman's the only one in our group in my history class, the news most likely had already spread. Shit moves like wildfire here, especially when the school is small and your fat friend has a mouth the size of some crack whore's vagina.

Walking around the school, I decided to check Kyle's locker just in case. I mean, it was only about a minute before class started. I rounded the corner next to one of the technology rooms and ran into Wendy. Yeah, what a great fucking day. It's not that I hated her, just that, well- we don't necessarily agree on certain things. I think she knows I have a thing for her little boy toy.

"Why hello there, Kenny." She smiled. That bitch was so fake.

"How's it hangin' Wendy? Your balls, I mean. You are the one who wears the pants in your relationship, no?" I smirked, half-assed. The look on her face said that I hit right home with that one.

"Oh, great to see you too," She regained that smile, "don't choke on my cock while you're sucking up, McCormick." Ouch. That was a good one, but insults are my specialty.

"Well I'll make sure not to, Wends. In fact, better yet, I'll go suck your boyfriend's." I shifted my weight to my left side, winking. It wasn't the best comeback ever, but I felt it was appropriate. She just kind of blinked, un-phased, still with that crooked smile.

"Well maybe after you pull your head out of your ass, he can fuck you silly, too." She winked back and with a flounce of her hair, she was gone. Now that was a good one. I should write that down because that stung. I sighed and stretched, so much for meeting the guys. At least we had class together. Math shouldn't be too bad today, other than the class, the teacher, and—well, everything. I made my way into the room about two seconds after the bell rang. Damn, it couldn't wait two seconds? Being late, especially with this uptight teacher, was considered a 'misdemeanor' by school terms.

"Mr. McCormick, nice of you to finally waltz in." The math teacher welcomed coldly. She was relatively attractive, but her voice was annoying, so I wouldn't even try to make her scream my name. EW, the very thought of her saying anything even close to sexual was gut-wrenching. Wincing, I waved her off and took a seat in the back next to Kyle and Stan. Fatass was next to Butters, whispering about some plot or something that he had planned. I watched as Stan ripped out a sheet of notebook paper and scribbled something down. He then flung it at Kyle who turned around with a sharp glare. And Wendy thinks I'm the one with something up my ass? I chuckled at my own thought. Next thing I knew, there's a paper flying towards my head and an angry teacher on my ass.

"Kenneth! Since you seem to like making a lot of commotion back there, I suppose you'd like to give us the answer?" She seethed through her yellow teeth. Another turn-off. I could hear Stan and Kyle snickering in their seats. What good friends.

"Uh, no ma'am." I politely replied. Apparently, she doesn't take kind to manners because that earned me a nice punishment.

"Detention!" She raised her obnoxious voice. It was cross between a dying moose and nails on a chalkboard. "You should learn to pay attention in class."

Personally, I think that's an overreaction, but what do I know, right? After Miss 'Bitch' turned back to the board, I read the note.

To Ky: Pass this to Kenny, oh and nice notebook, LOL

To Ken: way to be late, dude

Stan, shut up and hey Kenny. :P

Stan's handwriting was pretty bad, but I could read it…if I squinted. Ha, and Kyle's penmanship has always been neat. It's part of being a Jew, I guess. I fished out my own pencil from my back pocket and began to reply.

yeah, I ran into the spawn of the devil on way to class ;) what about this notebook, now?

I put my pencil down and leaned forward to launch the note towards Kyle. We weren't very far from each other, but we wouldn't want ol' 'ants in my pants' math teacher here to see. He discretely opened the note and began to write under his books. I half-watched, half-paid attention as he passed it to Stan. A few minutes later, I was dozing off when a piece of paper hit my desk. If I can doze off within a few minutes, than this class was the epitome of boring. I fiddled around with the crinkled note and scribbled something down.

Who would that be, Kenny? And drop the notebook thing, Stan's just lame ;P

dude I am soooo not lame, you're the one who carries a notebook with a flower on it LOL & Kenny, you ran into Damien?

Ahahaha Kyle, you loser :B well yeah, but I meant your gf

Wadding it up, I threw it at Stan this time, just to see the look on his face. The dark haired cutie opened the note and frowned. That wasn't what I expected, but then again my expectations may be a little high. He turned and gave me an unimpressed look. I shrugged and he mouthed, "She's not that bad." I just scoffed and waited for a return from Kyle. Better yet, I had an idea. The teacher glanced back at us a couple times and continued on with the lesson. This is the one time she might actually come in handy. I glanced back and forth between my sharpened pencil and Stan while he was writing. Just as the teacher looked away, I aimed and threw it at him like a dart.

"OWW! Dammit, Kenny!" He cursed holding his arm. Bullseye! I cupped a hand over my mouth and laughed as the teacher whipped around.

"Stanley! Detention!" She sentenced him sharply. There was a 'no screaming in pain because your friend threw a sharpened pencil at you' policy in here.

The boy groaned miserably. My plan worked pretty well, actually. If I had to go down, I might as well have someone to enjoy it with. After a few passing glares and a paper airplane to the face later, I opened the note to see what my detention buddy wrote.

dude, dont even go there. Wendy's a good gf.

oh, and Kyle has a flower notebook just thought i'd remind you

oh and fuck you for giving me detention asshole!

I laughed out loud for a second at the flower comment. Of course he would have something like that on his notebook. The teacher snapped a look at me and her face threatened another detention, but I regained my composure well enough to refrain from another punishment. Scribbling my own reply onto the rest of the available white space of the notebook paper, I wrote:

LOL. alright, how many shrooms you on boy?

O Kyle, I never knew you were like that. guess it's a Jew thing to have flowers on their books cuz Jews care about nature…to use as space for development of industrial corporations ;)

I guess that kind of sounded like Cartman, but when you hang around the guy for so many years; he starts to rub off on you. Glancing around the classroom, I tossed the note to Kyle first. Watching as he opened it, I leaned forward in my chair a bit to get a better view of his face. The redhead took one skim of the note before grunting angrily in my general direction. Oh, the glorious feeling of Hebrew Rage directed towards you. Ragging on the Jewish was a daily thing for most of us, but spiting Kyle was just a plus. Naturally, the ginger's sudden change in mood peeked Stan's interest, and he wanted the note. Urging Kyle to pass him it while the teacher wasn't looking was a failed plan. Jewboy was about to erase it when he realized that I used pen after launching my pencil at his Super Best Friend. He turned towards me and mouthed the words, ".You", and I winked. Then he scribbled something down, crumpled up the note begrudgingly, and threw it at Stan; whose pathetic attempt to coax it from his redhead was somewhat adorable.

One look at the note and the boy in the usual red poof ball hat threw his head into his arms on the desk. I couldn't tell whether he was laughing, crying…or giving child birth, but it looked like all three and Kyle didn't seem too happy about it. The ginger scoffed and resumed his attention towards the board while I watched his best friend. Without lifting his head, the dark haired teen held up the note from where he was sitting and I didn't even have to squint to notice the giant, 'FUCK YOU' scrawled across the writings on the page. It made me laugh too, and I came to the realization that maybe I liked getting punished. I guess I'm a bit of a masochist.