Year of the Goose
By corset-rebellion-follower
Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda
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Chapter 2- The Most Dangerous Disease in the Land
"ACHOOOO!"
The Valley's doctor, Anubis, who was a jackal from Egypt and a skilled herbalist, came out of Po's room. Master Shifu was pacing back and forth in the hallway.
"You were right to call me, Shifu. That is one sick panda," Anubis said with a chuckle.
"How sick is he?" Shifu asked.
Anubis rubbed the back of his neck "Well, it's not quite like anything I've ever seen before. To tell you the truth, I'm not quite sure what it is. But as far as I can tell, it's not contagious, so it's okay if he has visitors. Just make sure he drinks lots of tea and gets plenty of rest for the next two weeks or so, and if he's not better by then, call me."
Shifu nodded. "Yes, of course."
Shifu was very concerned for Po. The others had woken him up at five in the morning, saying they heard rasping sounds coming from Po's room. When Shifu had gone in to wake the Dragon Warrior up, he was already up, coughing and a pale green tint covered his face. And, as anyone would have done, he called the doctor immediately, despite Po's many claims that he wasn't sick.
"OH SON! TIME TO GET TO WORK!"
Shifu twitched at the too familiar sound of Mr. Ping's yelling. And sure enough, the goose came waddling down the hallway with a happy demeanor about him. Shifu sighed. Wonderful. Now I'm going to have to tell him that his son is too ill to compete.
"Ah, Shifu! Wonderful morning, isn't it?" Mr. Ping asked happily.
"As it normally is. Mr. Ping, there is something important that I should tell y—"
"Where's my son? Still asleep? No wonder, he was always a late riser. I'll wake him up." Before Mr. Ping could reach for the doors, Shifu stepped in front of them.
"Mr. Ping, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but—"
"Is Po alright, Master Shifu?" Crane asked, coming down the hallway with Tigress.
"We brought him some soup," Tigress said, holding up the bowl.
"What's going on? What's wrong with him?" Mr. Ping asked, his voice rising in fear.
"Po's sick, Mr. Ping. He was coughing his lungs out this morning," Tigress explained.
"WHAT?" Mr. Ping pushed past Shifu and flung the doors to his son's room open. He gasped when he saw Po. Po's tongue was lolling out of his mouth. He had green spots all over his face and flamingo pink ones going down his arms and chest. His legs were swollen up to twice their size. And since they were big to begin with, you can only imagine.
"Ok, that's not normal," Crane said, a little disgusted.
"What's not normal?" Monkey asked, coming into the room. As soon as he saw Po's spots, he cracked up. "It looks like he was drawn on all over by Crane's crayons," he said, trying to hold in laughter.
"Hey, those are for wax drawings, they are not toys!" Crane said, defending his honor and his manliness.
"Hey guys, what's up?" Po asked, his voice barely a whisper.
"Whoa. You sound terrible," Monkey told him.
"Really? Cuz I've never felt better." Just after Po finished the sentence, he started coughing up a storm.
"Someone go make him some tea," Shifu ordered. Crane quickly left.
"Do you feel well enough to eat? We brought you some soup," Tigress said, coming towards Po.
"NO!" Mr. Ping jumped up and knocked the bowl out of Tigress's hands. It smashed into a million pieces. Noodles and vegetables went everywhere. Tigress got sprayed with soup. "Po cannot have anything that even looks like a noodle come near him! Especially when he's got… IT!"
Some spooky music started playing in the background. Suddenly it went dark and lightning flashed behind him.
"What's 'IT'?" Monkey asked, lighting a lamp and holding it with his tail.
"IT is the most dreaded disease in all the land. It's so terrible in fact, that most never recover! They spent their life in agony and discomfort like you've never felt before. Worse than the MOST HOT AND DANGEROUS FLAMES IN HELL!! Another streak of lightning appeared.
"Well what is it?" Shifu asked.
"It's… it's… NOODLE FLU!"
Suddenly the scary music stopped playing and all the lights came on. Monkey's lamp burned out. "Noodle flu?" Tigress asked. Mr. Ping nodded and started to shake. Mantis and Viper entered with Crane, who now had a pot of tea.
"Hey, did you guys see that lightning? Some freaky weather we've been having," Mantis said, hopping onto Monkey's shoulder.
Viper slid over to Po. "So how are you feeling?" she asked tenderly.
"Really good actually," Po said weakly.
"That's weird. Because you sound like you swallowed a Mylar balloon," Mantis countered. Everyone glared at him. "What? We were all thinking it, I'm just saying it."
"So do you know what he has yet?" Crane asked, putting the tea down and pouring some into a cup.
"Maybe he swallowed your crayons," Monkey said. He and Mantis started cracking up.
"For the last time, they are NOT toys!" Crane yelled.
"Apparently he has noodle flu," Tigress said.
"What's noodle flu?" Viper asked.
Mantis whistled lowly. "Noodle flu? Really? That's too bad," he said sadly.
"This is not the best time for jokes, Mantis," Shifu warned.
"No, really this isn't a joke! My cousin Greg got noodle flu when he was seven. He eventually got over it, but he's just never been quite the same since," Mantis replied.
"It's a terrible disease, isn't it? And now Po has it!" Mr. Ping cried. He started to sob. Mantis hopped off Monkey shoulder and started patting Mr. Ping on the back.
"Don't worry, I'm sure Po will get over it in no time. He might be one of the lucky ones and not be affected by it."
"So what are the symptoms of 'noodle flu'?" Tigress asked. She still didn't fully believe that it was actually a disease.
"Well, first you get brightly colored spots on you and there's some abnormal swelling. I see Po has already reached that stage," Mantis said, looking over the panda.
"Then the swelling goes down and the patient gets extremely thin," Mr. Ping explained. Suddenly Po's legs looked as if they had gotten stuck in a Hoover with too much sucking power, as did the rest of his body.
"And then it's like you got filled with helium and you start floating all around the room." Sure enough, Po rose out of his bed and floated to the ceiling, bumping his head on it.
"Then you regain the weight and fall back down." Po's form popped back to normal and he fell back onto the bed with a crash.
"And then you start twitching uncontrollably," Mantis said. Po no longer had control of any part of his body as all his limbs and ligaments started moving in every direction spastically.
"And there have been some cases reported about the infected being able to breathe fire," Mr. Ping added. Po stopped twitching and opened his mouth, a huge burst of fire coming out.
"Well, unless Po can float on command, I'm pretty sure it's noodle flu," Crane said.
"No guys, really, I'm fine. After all, the contest is only a week away. We have a lot of work to do," Po rasped, trying to sit up.
"Oh no, no, no! You're not going anywhere near that contest! Do you want to take the chance of your stomach exploding and your guts spilling out?" Mr. Ping asked, helping his son lay back down. Everyone made a face, and Crane made some retching noises. "I don't know what I'm going to do now! I don't have an assistant for the contest now, and there's no way I'll have a chance of winning without help!" Mr. Ping said in distress.
"Maybe we could help," Viper offered.
"Yeah, we could be your assistants for the contest!" Mantis agreed.
"Would you really do that for me?" Mr. Ping asked, tears forming in his eyes.
"Of course we would. It would be our honor," Monkey chimed in.
"If it's alright with Master Shifu, of course," Tigress said.
"I suppose it would be alright," Shifu said after a long pause. The Five all exchanged high fives, except for Tigress, who just smiled.
"You know, Shifu, I always thought you had noodle flu as a child. The way your eye twitches was the real clue. It's one of the long term affects, you know," Mr. Ping said. Shifu just sighed and rubbed his temples.
A/N: Chapter 2 is done!
