At the feast, we are forced to go our separate ways, him sitting at the Slytherin table while I join my fellow Ravenclaws. The table is filled with chatter about classes and summer holiday and books and whatever else the rest of my house has chosen as today's topic of discussion, but all of their words fly past me in a blur of meaningless noise. My head has begun to play the carriage scene on replay, and though I want it to go away, I also feel the urge to over analyze everything that happened between Scorpius and I today, to attempt to bring myself out of my confused state.
A million thoughts are floating through my head, and none of them I can even come close to answering. What were Scorp's intentions, his motives, his reasonings? Can one kiss their best friend without it meaning anything? Do I want it to mean something? Did I enjoy it? Of course I enjoyed it. The real question here is whether he enjoyed it. He did initiate it, after all, but he could just want a physical, friends-with-benefits sort of arrangement between us. Do I want that? Sure, it was nice, but I want an emotional relationship with physical bonuses, not a no-strings-attached physical one.
There is also the ever-present issue of not wanting to ruin our friendship. I've known him for years, and we've always had a teasing friendship that I could never have with anyone besides my sworn enemy turned best friend. Adding sexual tension would ruin everything platonic and good between us, though the tension might already be present.
The final reason to never be more than friends with Scorpius Malfoy is the only one that really matters: my family. My father puts up with him as my friend, surprisingly, but that may just be because he knows that if we're friends, we most likely won't have the romantic relationship that may or may not be forming between us currently. Dad probably knew that this exact situation might happen, the evil genius. Besides the snogging, of course. Unless he predicted that as well. In which case I should be scared for my life. He most likely didn't know exactly what was going to happen, but he probably did know that if he let us be friends, we wouldn't push our luck trying to be anything more. The problem is, his plan was flawed greatly. Forbidden loves just make the couple want to be together more. Not that we're in love, of course. Or even a couple. But I wouldn't mind if we were someday, and that fact both scares and excites me. Mostly the latter.
Still, despite all of the reasons I shouldn't be in a relationship with Scorp, I want him. Maybe it's because we should never be together, and the fact that I will never get to have him. I do like a good challenge, and the fact that he is forbidden just makes him more than appealing. Not that he wasn't appealing already.
As much as I want him, I can't make the first move. As bold as I am, I could never take such a risk. Not only would I be risking humiliation and rejection, I would be putting the greatest friendship I have ever had at stake. The prospect of losing Scorp forever is scary, and therefore I will just have to live in the agony of wondering "what if?" in order to never lose the great thing I already have. As much as it hurts to not have him in the way I want, not having him at all would hurt so much more.
