My life quickly spiraled down into a deep, dark state of depression. My doctor, that I was assigned to shortly after my catastrophic hospital meeting one week ago, decided to insistently remind me my actions were not beneficial to my health. You need to eat more she said. You need to sleep more she said. You need to stop pushing people away. You need to start telling people what happened. Trust me lady, the only thing I need is a 6 foot smuggler with the smile of a devil and the heart of an angel.

"Well Leia I can start you on medications if you like, but you need to be able to put in some effort yourself if you're going to get any better." Dr. Niobe snapped her portfolio closed, shaking her head slowly.

Her head shook even more when she did not receive a response.

"Alright. I'll send someone over with something for you tomorrow. You can leave now Leia, but you need to promise me one thing. Please don't beat yourself up about whatever happened to Captain Solo. It wasn't your fault."

It's not my fault, I swear.

I didn't even bother to make eye contact with her as I scurried out of the room. I could see the looks given to me by my "comrades". They didn't have to speak. I could see they thought I completely lost it by their expressions. My solemn journey to my room was almost complete until a certain farm boy blocked my path.

"Leia, please. I know you've been avoiding me. Just let me in, let me help."

I'm just trying to help sweetheart.

"Please..just give me some time. Don't worry, I swear one of these days I'll tell you everything."

Don't worry, I've got this all under control.

"Let me just. How about I walk the rest of the way to your room? Maybe we can talk there." With this last statement Luke placed his arm on my shoulder, and-oh no no no. Was he serious? Did he really think that I was actually into him? Could he really not see the way I felt about Han? To be truthful I hadn't really done much to lead the guy off, and I didn't have the energy to discourage the only friend I had at the moment.

Instead, I subtly shrugged him off and replied with a quiet, "I'd prefer to be alone, thank you."

I prefer nice men.

Every sentence, every word reminded me of him. His sweet, sulky voice. That voice that drew me in, the voice I may never hear again. Hastily I turned from Luke, and without one glance back I ran to my room. Here, in the complete and utter silence, is where I totally lost it. All I know is suddenly it's all too much, the only sound I can hear is Han's voice ringing in my head. Instantly my brain was flooded with flashbacks. A kiss. A smile. A simple touch that would bring life back to me. I regret it, I regret what I said. Him holding me did make me excited. It gave me joy and passion I never thought I could posses. All that time of pushing him away and now he was gone. It was all my fault. I kept screaming and screaming his name, hoping in some way that could bring him back. Every passing moment was torture. Every single second turned me inside out.

It must have been two hours of solitary insanity before a series of knocks break me out of my trance.

"Leia, would you come out already? Please. Their back. Chewie and Lando came back."

Back already? Was he that easy to find? Maybe they caught Fett before he reached Jabba. Even I knew that was too good to be true. "What about Han?"

"Well Mon said for a little they are stopping the investigation. But I wouldn't worry about it, we'll get him back safe and sound." He sounded so reassuring. Just as reassuring as a certain scoundrel minutes before we were handed over to Darth Vader. He made it seem like getting Han back was a guarantee, that it was only a matter of time. If only. I could wait, I could be patient. But I could not live with a 50% chance of ever seeing him again.

Still, I was not passing up the closest thing to him. The Falcon. I would have to pick myself up, and push through. I'd make it to the ship, for him. With immense strength I managed to get to the hanger, and to my amazement there it was. I could barely climb up the first step before my knees buckled. The familiar growl of Chewbacca filled my ears, and instantly I felt the wookie's strong arms lift me up and take me aboard. Haphazardly I walked through the ship, swaying side to side. But it wasn't until I reached the room, his room, that I broke. All those nights comforting me, helping me through. And now he was gone. He became my life, and just like that he was taken away. Luke said Han was selfish. He didn't even know the half of it. If he felt even half the way I feel he wouldn't have done this to me. He would truly have to be selfish in order for him to just let them take him away from me. Did he even really care about me? I didn't have room for these frivolous thoughts. I needed to be strong, he would have wanted me to be strong.

"I don't understand. I didn't think Leia cared that much about Han. I mean she's someone who always takes on burdens, makes it like it's her own krethin fault for everything. But there is not a chance she could be acting this way " It was Luke who spoke. I assumed he believed I was so lost in my thoughts to hear him.

"You mean you didn't know?" Lando slyly inquired. Great. Just what I was trying to avoid. Pull it together Leia he was bound to find out somehow.

"Know what?" I couldn't bring myself to turn around and see Luke's face as he said this. His lethal curiosity seeped through his voice and I was not ready to look at his reaction.

"I just assumed their relationship was public. I mean she even said she loved that pirate." Thanks for keeping it subtle, bastard.

"Relationship? Love? You must have the wrong people, all those two did was yell at each other." Denial. I know the feeling well. I'm pretty sure I denied my feelings for three years.

"Listen kid I understand what's happening. You obviously got a little bit of a crush on'er. But the way those two were gazing at each other-yeah hate to break it to you but they were definitely together." Were we that obvious? I guess I never noticed, I was too busy-oh yeah-too busy gazing into Han's eyes. Never mind I suppose, guilty as charged.

"Together?! How together does together mean? I can't believe she wouldn't tell me this. She would definetly tell me this. You have to be making this up."

You and me both Luke. I wish more than anything this was all fake.