A/N: Deepest, Darkest Secrets Competition Entry.
Severus felt guilty. And that was a rare occasion that, when one Severus Snape felt guilty. He never took much care to even feel when trivial things persisted, and his morals and values stood far from things like a conscience or right and wrong. It was an odd, sort of alien feeling, residing in the pit of his stomach, rearing its ugly head in denial. If he had to (and he had had to) describe it, it was simply as a mixture of pain and sorrow, maybe even shame. But Severus didn't often feel shame, why would he? At least, he hadn't done much to warrant such shameful thoughts that plagued him during the day.
The plain truth of it, though, was that he held a secret. One which up until yesterday he hadn't any problems with, and it was as true and real as his very hands. However, so much could change in the course of twenty-four hours. He'd been victim to the surprise himself.
Severus was in love with Lily Evans. And it was the kind of love that had started out as a bud of friendship, and increased gradually each day, each time he saw her since the Sorting. It opened his eyes to experiences he never knew possible, and they were beautiful. He hadn't meant to fall in love with her, no, nothing like that. But in the end, she was the only one who understood Sev without the need of words, and accepted things about him that other people might shy away from. Like his obsession with potions, for one thing, that she'd come to terms with in stride- becoming just as excited as he was when a new discovery was under way. And maybe he didn't share Lily's passion for practical magics like Charms and Transfiguration, but so what? All that mattered in the end was someone to go home with for the summer, talk with late into the mornings, and catch some fireflies together- maybe even make some magic of their own.
But there was no reason to be ashamed of love- and fondness, friendship, infatuation. That didn't result for the sickness in Severus's stomach, or the ache in his head. It wasn't the reason that every bone in his body seemed smothered, and his breath came up too short. None of those feelings coupled with that of love, none of them could even possibly compare- let alone be mentioned in the same phrase. Love didn't hurt people, or weaken them, or break them down one slow hour at a time. What did that was the guilt, and possibly the anger; the only human emotions still living inside him. What did that was people alone, and the cold, raw fact of time.
It was his own fault, he knew in the end, and that was the worst part of it. He couldn't blame Lily, or James, or Sirius or any of the other damn Marauders. Because he'd made his own bed. The reason behind him feeling so secretive and shameful, dark and dangerous, was that he didn't make his move. The ironic past was that his downfall had been one of the things Lily had liked the most about him- his timidness and discretion, at least until the two were alone.
And instead of sharing his feelings aloud, he'd ended up hurting the one person who could truly make him feel. Then sent her running straight into the arms of James Potter.
In all honesty he didn't know what made him call his best friend a Mudblood. Such a foul name, for someone so pure. Far from innocent, but pure. And he knew that Lily didn't approve of his friends, but when your exposed to something for so long... when you're abandoned at the Sorting... It had rolled so easily off his tongue that it was frightening. For as long as he lived, he knew it would be on his mind. But he couldn't change that now. All he could do was try to further prevent their fall.
"Lily, you have to believe me, please. I never meant any of it, I swear." Severus pleaded, trailing after Lily as she re-stacked books in the library. She'd gained a passion for studying and reading over the years, and in Severus's mind it made her all the more irresistible. Slowly they'd been growing apart without knowing it though; her with her Gryffindor friends, and him with his Slytherin ones. In the end it was bound to happen.
Lily ignored him as she continued to stack, and he figured he'd just have to wait. When she finished, and he had her attention, he whispered, "please don't be mad a me."
It sounded very feeble, and in his head it had seemed like a much better thing to say. Lily looked at him, her face stoic, and said, "I'm not mad at you."
Immediately Severus felt his heart lift, and it must've showed on his face because she put her finger up. "I'm not mad at you. I'm done with you."
"But Lily, it was a mistake. A-a stupid, bonehead mistake that I would take back in a heartbeat, it's just that... that I love-"
"No Severus. You don't. You don't love. You're as cold and as evil as any of those other Death Eaters. With your Dark Magic, and who knows what else. You've chosen you're side.
Our friendship was a mistake."
Severus recoiled as if lashed- and it had hurt more than anything he'd ever experienced. That included all the experimental Forbidden Curses', the initiation- even the tattooing of the Dark Mark. Unconsciously he pulled his left sleeve down further. "Lily..."
He wanted to reach out to her. He wanted to tell her everything, to confess, to come clean, to just get it over with so that she could understand why he cared so much in the first place. Because he loved her.
Instead he did the one thing he did best. He fled. With his secret still locked safely inside.
