Chapter One: Rock Bottom
Eli's Point of View
Borderline Personality Disorder. The worst illness to deal with-nothing can yet prove it exists, you don't like yourself-you despise yourself, hell I don't even know who myself is sometimes, and sometimes the feeling that I'm going to be abandoned is too much to handle. That was what had happened the night Julia died. I thought she was leaving me for my brother. And instead, I killed her. This was too much. When I was with Julia I almost forgot there was anything wrong with me. I almost felt normal. Well I did until it was time for her to leave. Then I started to remember it was not healthy for me to be too clingy with her. My religion has been iffy since I was a kid. Whenever I think I have it all figured out-I change my mind. Same with my future. Well I guess dropping out of school after Julia died kinda put that on hold until I got some type of education. I don't know what I want to do. At this point I just want to have a future without this mental instability and to never forget Julia. But as far as that goes- it wasn't going to well. I haven't eaten or slept in 48 hours. My mind wouldn't let me sleep and ever time I look at food I lose my appetite. That wasn't a symptom purely of BPD. I am assuming it has something to do with Bipolar disorder-this whole not sleeping mess. I was in a manic episode to say the least. Not able to sleep or sit still for more than 5 minutes at a time. I couldn't focus on anything. I just wanted to go. Somewhere. Anywhere. My many diagnoses played in my head over and over again. Borderline Personality Disorder. Bipolar Disorder-Type 1. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Oppressive Defiance Disorder. And on my last trip to the doctor-a condition of staying here- he voiced concern that some of my habits may be a sign that I was developing OCD. Thinking of my room- I see no traits of that. It was a horrible mess. I wouldn't throw anything out. The thought of it freaked me out. What's next? Is he going to tell me I am schizophrenic? Anti-Social Personality Disorder? Am I a sociopath too? What the hell else? My mental stability could not get any worse. Well I mean it's been worse but its stuck at this level. I hadn't gotten any better in so long. I don't think I ever will.
Currently, I feel so withdrawn and anxious. Like something was about to happen. And I knew I had to make the decision today. I had a pain in my stomach. Was it hunger? I learned to ignore that, knowing as soon as I prepared the food I wouldn't be able to consume it. So I just avoided food all together. I have no desire to do drugs or to harm myself- I don't have the energy. Is this another mixed episode? I read about them. Supposedly the most dangerous of all episodes- I don't seem why. I guess maybe if I had a little more energy I may feel the need to hurt myself. I'm extremely irritated. Nothing I do relieves these feelings inside my head. I felt no relief from these episodes since I had left my parents house-which wasn't far away. Well their former house anyway. I learned that my dad had to move because of something to do with the radio station. They had apparently moved 20 minutes away. I looked around at my mess of an apartment I had shared with my older brother Eddie. I felt intense emotional pain- I needed my parents. I wanted to move back in with them. My brother was great but he wasn't mom. And I was a burden to him and I knew it. He was used to partying his ass off on weekends when he could leave the store with someone else. And he used to have girls in and out of this place but no girl wants to sleep with a guy who shares an apartment with death boy. They wonder if there's something wrong with Eddie. It's not fair to Eddie. I can't do this to him. I had to leave. I knew he would understand so I wasn't going to up and leave like I did at my parents, just leaving a note behind. I would talk to him. Maybe he'd help me pack- it would be nice. Like a goodbye. It wasn't like Eddie would never come up to see me. He often called mom and dad and I know he misses them and wants to visit them. I'm making it impossible for so many people.
I lost my best friend here. All I had was my older brother and the way I treated him while we were living together was horrible. Either I thought he was this horrible person-which was usually when I was irritable or if we were low on money or Julia got brought up-or I thought he was my hero. He was my hero. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have healed at all. He took me in without complaint. Even though he screwed up once in a while-like having sex in the kitchen forgetting I was sleeping in the next room or bringing up Julia every so often- he was twice the man I will ever be. And that anyone will ever be in my eyes. Don't get me wrong-I love my dad- but there's a certain love brothers share. If you've never had a brother, you would never understand.
I had his group of friends-kinda, they weren't the type of people you go to when you're having a bad day or anything but they are always good for a laugh when I need it and always up to party. I don't think at 19 and 20 these people were fully mature at all but they were my adults. Eddie had a lot of friends that came in and out-he was a better people person than I was-but only like 4 were lifers. RJ, Ducky (his real name is Matt but apparently he has webbed feet), Rusty (real name is Russel and he is the biggest pothead I've ever met in my life, but he is the most genuine person in the world.), Tori (who still sleeps with my brother even though they broke up 5 years ago.) and Joe (the most normal person in the group and ironically he had the most normal name.) They didn't have a lot but I guess they had each other and they didn't care about much else. I envied that. I didn't mean to push my friends away but having just lost the most important person in my life-you'd think he'd understand but not so much.
I finally broke down. Four months ago I can honestly say I lost it completely and now I just needed my mom- my brother may be my hero but seriously he is not my mom by any means. Don't get me wrong, my dad is great, he is awesome, his name is Bullfrog and he works at a radio station. We bonded early in my life over classic rock, video games and comic books- but he is more comic relief. He makes me laugh. Makes me feel better. But so does Rusty, RJ, Joe, Tori and Eddie. I don't need that right now. I'm sick of living like this. Dirt poor. Watching my brother get stoned and be reckless night after night. The sluts he brought in here sometimes. I can't blame him for the way he lives. He's been using drugs since he was 15, drinking since he was 14 and having sex since he was 15. If he didn't do this stuff regularly he wouldn't be Eddie. I wouldn't change him but I can't follow in his footsteps. Maybe I was better than that. There was a difference in intelligence between me and Eddie. Eddie was socially brilliant. He always said the right thing at the right time and got all the girls. Went to all the parties. Sweet talked the teachers out of giving him detention and giving him extensions. But in school he always struggled. At 16, he dropped out and got his GED at 17. Then he got his store running and business is steady. He did alright for himself for being a drop out. Me, on the other hand, while I am good in public, I am nowhere near socially where Eddie is. I couldn't party as hard as him and I was against casual sex. Slutty girls were such a turn off. In school, I always did well. But I dropped out in April- but what if I went back?
I know what I need is a fresh start. In a new town. New house. New School. New people who didn't know my past with Julia. But I was scared. What if I forget her? That is my worst fear in the world. But I know even scarier would be to end up living here forever and doing nothing for the rest of my life. I needed to go. I would force myself to go. Right now.
~Flashback~
I had absolutely everything in my room packed up. I couldn't sleep in this room, in this bed- there were too many memories. I heard her voice, I heard her laugh. Every time I shut my eyes, I even saw her face. If Julia couldn't step foot in my room again-why should I?
I wrote my mom a note explaining everything
Mom,
Hey. It's Eli, obviously. I'm sorry I'm such a shitty son. Eddie would have never done this. He at least had the balls to do this in person. Tell you his plans and promise to visit you. I as good as killed Julia-who you loved like a daughter. I don't deserve to stay here with you and dad any longer. I'll hurt you guys. I couldn't live with myself. I can't stay here anymore. There's too many memories. It has nothing to do with you or dad. You are unbelievable parents. The best in the world. I'll call you, when I'm ready to talk and face what I've done. I love you.
Love,
Elijah
I had used my full name because when things got serious, she always called me by that. It was a sign almost that things were about to get bad. I also wrote a note to my dad:
Dad,
Things are real complicated right now. I'm not in an episode. I'm thinking 100% clear right now. I'm leaving. You and mom don't deserve to have to deal with my mistakes and I can't take it anymore. I'll call you eventually. I'll keep listening to your show. I know I don't say it much but I love you dad.
Love,
Eli
My dad didn't get my full name. In my 16 years I have never heard him call me Elijah. I think he probably thinks naming me Elijah was a normality. He knew how I felt about being called that, I guess. Just like he never, in a million years would call Eddie, Edward. Eddie would just be pissed at that. But I think that has to do more with Twilight than anything else.
Eddie-my older brother who besides our hair (his was a curly mess and mine was straight and slightly longer) and the fact that he was 3 inches taller than me and had more meat on him (he had absolutely no problem eating) could be my twin, Tori, RJ, Ducky, Joey, and Rusty came to help move me into his apartment. After all my stuff had been moved into RJ's white SUV and Eddies hearse-apparently we were not too different.
"Dude nice car." I said, slightly smiling. This was the closest thing to a smile I had been able to give since the accident.
"Hmm. How much do you have in your bank account?"he said starting the car. That questions randomness surprised me but I remembered that when our uncle Rick had died he left each of us 5,000 dollars. I had only spent a hundred since then.
" I have like 4900 in there. Why? Planning on charging me rent?" I asked seriously.
"No. I'll sell you the car. It scares away my customers. They don't see that it's part of my personality. I'd rather sell it to you than one of my irresponsible friends. Keep it in the family, you know?" he said grinning.
"I'll take it. How much?" I inquired.
"I was going to ask 7000 for it. But since your my brother, I'll knock that down to 6000. You can pay me 4000 now and we'll write up a contract or something. We can discuss details later." he said lazily. Only my brother would conduct a business transaction with a minor and seem so laid back about it.
"But take care of the damn thing. I value this thing more than my store." he added laughing. I knew he couldn't be serious. His store was the only thing keeping him-well us-going, income wise.
~End of Flashback~
"Hey, if it isn't my partner in crime." Eddie started, then noticing the look on my face added, "Alright, what's wrong Eli? You've at least faked a smile for four months."
"Ugh. I feel like such a waste. I feel sick and just in general bad. All the time. I think I'm gonna move in with mom and dad. And go back to school. I could potentially do something in my life and since I'm being forced to stay alieve, I might as well make something good of it. We're different. Dropping out was like the smartest move you ever made. You got your GED and the store is going really good and your happy with what you have. But me, I'm not. I just want-" I began.
"More Eli. You want and deserve more. You look up to me-well most of the time you do anyway, but you're right. Your not made for this lifestyle. I should be kinda an example of what you do the opposite of. I party hard. You party but not as relentlessly. I sleep around. You find that to be disgusting. I do drugs. I don't have a problem but I am most definitely a user. You do them and get scared you're going to become an addict. Dude, call mom. You need to go back to school. I don't want to be supporting your ass until you die anymore than you want me to. And the way it's going... You need intellectual stimulation. Man, I see so much for you. You healed here but you can't heal anymore. You could start to get almost normal there man. It's a scary thought but it could happen. Go let it. Eli." he finished almost out of breath. Eddie never ceised to amaze me at how insightful he could be. Even though I suspected him to already have had a drink or two. Even though he wasn't as intelligent as me, he was always right. He didn't have the ability to be as sarcastic, as witty as I did but I gave him credit for trying. He was always joking-up until you absolutely needed him, then he surprized you with wise words. His jokes almost always had to do with sex or violence- and I remember times in our childhood where he would get on his skateboard and just leave for hours- he always made you wonder.
I hated peoples opinions of skaters, even though it was Eddie who was the skateboarder and not me. I always felt personally insulted. I always defended my brother-wrong or right. Eventually he started to lead our whole neighborhood to skateboarding. Every parent but ours had an issue with that. But in my eyes he lead a revolution. The neighbors couldn't say anything bad about skateboarding if their kids were doing it as well. He turned our little poor, violent neighborhood into a less judgful one. Sure there were still fights but unless I imagined it, not as many. The stereotypes generally pissed me off. My brother wasn't lazy, and he wasn't rude. He spoke his mind, that is all.
Ring!
Ring!
I patiently waited for my mom to answer the house phone. I had come to my decision and Eddie was right-we were so different and I needed to go to school. I pushed the thought that I would have to retake my sophomore year to the back of my mind. I had bigger things than being a super senior on my mind. I was sure I could feel my pulse in my ears. What if my mom didn't want to talk to me? What if she was mad at me? What if I really hurt her when I left? What if-
"Hello?"
"Ma, it's me. It's-it's Eli." I stammered.
"Baby boy! I'm so glad to finally hear from you. Are you alright? Are you still staying with Eddie?" she sounded so happy.
"Yeah. I'm still with Eddie. Everything here is alright but, I kinda want to move in with you and dad and go back to school. I'm not as much of a wreck but I'm still not completely better. And I just feel like I've hit rock bottom." I said starting to tear up.
"Oh my god! You mean my baby boy is finally coming home? I missed you so much. Eddie has the new address. He told me something about selling you a car that I'm going to fall in love with?"I grinned. She would fall in love with that car. Me and Eddie didn't pick up our weirdness out on the streets. My mom loved classic rock as much as my dad and passed that on to us. And she had dressed very similarly to me as a teenager. When I look at pictures of her at my age, it could be my female twin.
"You would absolutely love it, mom. I think Eddie has a GPS on his phone. He went out and bought a fancy phone and blamed it on his buissness. Eddie is going to have to find my replacement but after I am coming home." I told her, feeling better than I had in months. I felt my mood pick up. Maybe I would be able to sleep tonight? Who knows? That was being a little optimistic.
"Well he is one to like at least something in his life to be flashy. I love you Eli. Let me know when you have a better idea of when your going to come home. I'll take us out for dinner."
"I will. I love you too mom."
When I got off the phone I looked up to see Eddie sitting on the chair next to the couch. He grinned at me. "Eli, Eli, Eli. I found your replacement the minute you told me you were going home. One of Tori's friends. And we're gonna go up on Friday. I, um, have two friends I want you to meet. They're a bit older but they are good people." he said this slightly nervously.
"You replaced me in 30 seconds?" I asked pretending to be hurt.
"I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. Make up sex?" Eddie asked winking at me, then cracking up.
"I can't top that. I'm not saying anything in answer." I said.
"What you wanna be on top? Not sure that'll work. But you can be in front." He suggested.
"Dude, who are you?" I laughed throwing a pillow at him.
"And tell me about these friends. You seemed nervous when you were telling me about them." I asked, scared to hear the answer. Eddie didn't have good judgement at times.
"They are-They were with me. In April. Well Jay was. Spinner picked us up because Jay couldn't drive. But I mean they went to the school you went to. And I wanted to party with you, before we lived 20 minutes away. Jay can usually find us a party when I go up."
"Fine. I'm done with the blame game. It was my fault and the guy behind the wheel of the car. Nobody elses. So what are they like?"
"Jay is chill. He used to be this like real bad bully but he settled down with that shit. He got expelled. And Spin is like this great, hardworking guy. We have a lot in common actually. But he just got married. I could never see that for myself. You have to meet them. I really can't explain them. They are interesting characters." Eddie explained grinning. I nodded.
"Who is driving you back up here?"
"Spin."
"And like how did you meet them? I never meet anybody when we go up there?" I questioned.
"Mom is best friends with Jay's aunt. And when I was 15, she called him and asked if he wanted company or anything. He didn't want to come get me, you could tell but he did anyway. And we got to be close friends. He introduced me to Spin and me and Spin text all the time. That's why we are so close I guess. He's been my texting buddy for five years."
"Oh."
"Go pack Eli. You have a lot of work ahead of you. And technically I'm in charge." he smirked at me. Reluctantly I got up and went to go pack, embracing the new life ahead of me.
Claire's Point of View
Author's note: This is really to just introduce Claire into the story so its mainly filler and a little bit of character development. But no interaction between her and Eli just yet.
"Ugh, ignore the jolly green loser, will you?" Alli groaned, switching directions as we spotted my ex K.C. I wonder what I ever saw in him. He was tall- a basketball player at that. And I knew when I finally got the chance to introduce my parents to him, they would love him. He was the image of the guy my parents saw me dating-minus the criminal record, but nobody is perfect, right? I looked at him, he hadn't changed one bit since the last time I saw him, his hair was still the same-long and dirty blonde and swept to the side. He was still wearing his Degrassi Basketball uniform. I assumed he had preseason practice before meeting up with his peppy cheerleader girlfriend.
"I was thinking the exact same thing actually." I whispered so he wouldn't be able to hear me and then I tried to catch up with Alli.
Alli Bhandari, my best friend, always tried to protect me. Even though we polar opposites, in looks, personality, and obviously (thinking back to her slimy ex-boyfriend Johnny) in taste in guys. She was petite, Indian and always the life of the party-despite her families views on the American culture. In contrast, I was more curvy, with auburn hair and baby blue eyes, not Indian, French if it even matters in this day and age. I had always followed the rules, Saint Claire would never do some of the things Alli did, like sexting or having sex at the ravine (again, with Johnny.) or making an "I hate Holly J" page. I had always followed my religion and being the good Christian girl. This year, I vowed it would be different. I would still have morals of course (no trips down to the ravine for me) but maybe I would take a few risks. (maybe flirt a little?)
"I have to go home. You know my dad. 'No going out all night. It is a school night' I'll meet you out front tomorrow?" Alli questioned at the entrance, hugging me.
"Sure thing. I'll, um, catch the bus. I didn't get something and it might take a while to find." I told her. I didn't want her to know my real plans- it would be a surprize.
"Are you going in there to try to find K. C or something?" she questioned.
"No, just something for school tomorrow." I answered. In reality this was the truth.
After she left, I walked around the mall until I found "Erica's Hair Cuttery" and walked in. Hello new me.
Next chapter is more brother bonding before they are no longer roommates.
Reviews?
