Mr. Bennet was among the earliest of those who went to visit Mr. Bingley at Netherfield Tower. He had always intended to visit him, though to the last always assuring his wife that he would not visit; and till the evening after the visit was paid, she had no knowledge of it. It was then disclosed in the following manner. Observing his second daughter employed in trimming her bikini line, he suddenly addressed her with,

'I hope Mr. Bingley will like it, Lizzy.'

'We're never going to bloody know what Mr. Bingley likes,' said her mother resentfully,' since you ain't even gorn over there to introduce yourself, like.'

'It don't matter Mum,' said Elizabeth, 'cos we're gonna see him at the next rave anyway, and old Lilly Long has promised to introduce him. If she ain't off her head on ecstacy.'

'She ain't gonna introduce him to us. No way. She's got two nieces of her own who need their own flats and benefits. She's a fucking selfish bitch. I hate her.'

'That's good that you ain't depending on your old mate Lill then,' said Mr. Bennet.

Mrs. Bennet deigned not to make any reply; but unable to contain herself, began scolding one of her daughters.

'Will you stop fucking coughing, Kitty, you're doing my head in. Fucking pack it in and pass me my valium.'

'Yeah, you heard your muvver. Fucking pack it in. It's giving your muvver the right hump.'

'I can't fucking help it!' replied Kitty fretfully, 'my lungs are fucked after a lifetime of passive smoking. You bastards.'

'When's the next rave, Lizzy?'

'Two weeks time.'

'Old Lill don't come back until the day before so how's she gonna introduce us?' cried her mother, 'she ain't gonna know who the fuck he is herself. Selfish cow.'

'Well then, you can introduce him to Old Lill yourself.'

'Piss off and stop winding me up, arsehole. You're fucking getting on my tits today. I hate you and you're crap in bed.'

'Calm down, keep your knickers on. I know a fortnight ain't a long time to know somebody but somebody's gotta introduce him to her. Her nieces have got to have a fighting chance of getting maintenance and a flat out of him an orl. If you don't introduce him to her then I will.'

The girls stared at their father, Mrs. Bennet said only, 'Fuck off.'

'What? You wanted an introduction a minute ago. You've been giving me GBH of the earhole for days,' he cried. 'Don't you want no introductions now then? Gorn orf them, have ya? What do you fink about it orl, Mary? You read all them women's magazines and stuff. What have you got to say on the subject?'

Mary's eyes narrowed as she took a long toke on her joint. She wanted to say something sensible but instead tried to suppress a giggle.

'On second thoughts, stick to ya joint love. I'm more interested in talking about Mr. Bingley.

'Mr. Bingley can fuck off,' cried his wife.

'Well, why didn't you bloody tell me before? If I'd know as much this morning I wouldn't have visited him at Netherfield Tower on me way to the bookies. I've introduced myself so he's an acquaintance now. So now what we going to fucking do?'

The astonishment of the ladies was just what he wished; that of Mrs. Bennet perhaps surpassing the rest; though when the first tumult of joy was over, she began to declare that it was what she had expected all the while.

'You fucking wind up merchant! I knew you was up to somefing! I bloody knew it! I knew that you wanted your girls safe and on benefits and with a flat of their own, really. Yeah, good joke. I fucking love you, you bastard.'

'Right, carry on coughing Kitty, I'm orf. I've got a turtles head,' said Mr. Bennet; and, as he spoke, he left the room, fatigued with the raptures of his wife.

'I love him, girls,' said she, when the door was shit. 'He's a fucking brilliant dad, ain't he? Mind you, I'm a shit hot mum so...at our time of life we don't need all this meeting new people crap. Your dad's got his mates down the bookies and I've got Old Lill and me sister over at Meryton Tower. We don't need no more but for your sakes, cos we wanna see ya settled as single mums in our own flats with lots of maintenance we go that extra mile and try and find blokes what can get ya preggers. Lydia, love, you're the youngest but I'm sure that Mr. Bingley will dance with you at the next rave, 'specially if you were that black padded, plunge bra that you dipped from M&S last week.'

'Oh,' said Lydia stoutly, 'I'm not afraid, I might be the youngest but I've got the nicest arse.'

The rest of the evening was spent in conjecturing how soon he would return Mr. Bennet's visit, and determining when they should ask him to dinner.

'Oi, Lizzy,' said Mrs. Bennet as she blew out a plume of smoke, 'you could make your spag bol when he comes over. Mrs. Bennet was sprawled over a stained, broken down sofa and Jane was cutting her toe nails for her. ' Or failing that, Lydia you could dip something from Asda's 'Picked by Chavs' range.'