Dissociation: Chapter Two

"You're damn lucky I had an emergency last night and couldn't hunt you down!" McCoy was furious, and the hypo he had in his hand made Jim extra nervous.

"I had a headache and went back to my quarters to try and sleep it off. I slept through the afternoon and night and woke up this morning. It helped, though." Kirk eyed him. He couldn't tell if the doctor was buying his story. "I guess I was exhausted."

McCoy raised an eyebrow, waving a small scanner over Jim's temple. "What kind of headache? You having migraines again? And don't lie to me."

"Yes." Kirk's voice was soft.

Oh no.

He's going to yell.

McCoy's face turned bright red. "Dammit, you need to tell me about this shit!" His fingers gripped tightly around the medical device in his hand. "With Khan's blood runnin' through your system, everything is new for us! I need to know about any changes in your health, no matter how insignificant they may seem to you."

"It was just a headache, Bones. I didn't think it was that important."

"Didn't think it was that important? This is uncharted territory we're in! How soon you forget that I almost lost my medical license for doin' what I did! And one of the only reasons I was allowed to keep my commission is that I promised to keep detailed records of everything that happens to you as a result of the transfusion." He pushed Jim back on the biobed and began to palpate his abdomen. "You need to help me out here, kid. This affects all of us, not just you."

Kirk lay there silently as McCoy examined him, avoiding eye contact.

"This hurt?" Jim shook his head and McCoy continued pressing on the soft tissue of his stomach, centering on his spleen. "I don't feel any more swelling on your spleen, looks like that finally resolved itself. You can sit up."

"Can I put my shirt back on now? You keep this place freezing like a meat locker." He rubbed his hands over his bare biceps.

"No, I need to run a cardio scan. Sit still for a minute." The doctor held a small device over Kirk's heart and activated it. Instantly, the biobed's monitors lit up with a readout of Jim's cardiac activity. McCoy scowled. "Your heart's still beating harder than it needs to. Damn augment blood. I thought we had this under control with meds."

Kirk sheepishly looked away from McCoy. He knew the wrath was coming. McCoy's clenched hands and red ears were a dead giveaway.

"You're not taking the meds, are you?"

"You're pushing new drugs on me left and right, Bones! They make me feel awful."

McCoy gritted his teeth, his hands shaking with anger. "The alternative is death!"

"You don't know that."

The doctor threw the scanner on the cart next to the biobed with such force it careened off and clattered on the floor. "You're right, I don't know. But I don't wanna find out that I'm wrong too late down the road." McCoy sat down on a swiveling stool next to the bed. "Listen to me, Jim. You need to come clean with me…about everything. Khan's blood is unpredictable, and if you aren't one-hundred-percent honest, you could be a walking time bomb."

"I'll take the meds, alright?"

McCoy sighed and handed Kirk his shirt. "It's not just about the medication. You're distant and unapproachable. I feel like I'm losing you all over again."

Jim slipped the tunic over his head. "I know. I'm sorry; I've just been stressed lately."

"Stressed, huh?" The doctor eyed him suspiciously. "Stress usually leads to panic attacks. You havin' any?" He raised an eyebrow.

Kirk shook his head, his expression unyielding. "No, it's been nice."

Can't tell him...

about any of the dozen I've had in the past couple months.

He'll try and give me more drugs.

And they won't work, they never do.

"Nice? I'm not fallin' for that. I know you had one a few weeks back. I wasn't going to say anything because I wrongly assumed that you'd come to me."

Kirk scowled. "Who tattled? It was Spock, wasn't it?"

Which one does he know about?

The transporter?

The shuttle?

He can't know about the ones in my quarters…can he?

"Actually, it was Sulu. An' don't go gettin' pissy with him. He was worried, Jim." McCoy scooted closer on the stool. "What brought it on?"

Which one did Sulu see?

Gotta think on the fly.

Answer him, Jim.

Jim scratched his head absentmindedly. "It was stupid. The shuttle just felt claustrophobic for a second. I should have been able to control it."

"It only takes a second, Jim. And you can't control them." McCoy reached for his PADD. "I'm going to give you a prescription for an oral anti-anxiety medication. God knows you won't let me administer it via hypo. This way, you can pop a pill if you need to and at least it'll take the edge off."

Kirk's eyes were pleading. "No more drugs, Bones. I can handle this, really."

"Too late, the script is written. I'll bring 'em by later." He set the PADD down on the supply cart. "Now, since I've actually gotten you to get a little chatty, you want to let me in on what else is bothering you? You're brain scan showed some concerning tendencies. The nightmares are back, aren't they? You had one along with your migraine, didn't you?"

Kirk exhaled deeply and he let his eyes wander to the floor. He licked his dry lips. "I was in the core…with Khan. It's always the same dream, but this last time…"

"What changed?"

"Pike appeared. He couldn't talk and he was frustrated because of it. Then all of a sudden…" Jim shuddered.

Shit, I really don't want to talk about this.

It was horrible…

"Go on, kid. It'll do you good to get it out."

Kirk wrung his hands together. "…he started screaming. He swelled up like a balloon and something lifted him into the air. That's when…" Jim could feel a wave of heat flash over his face. He felt like he was going to be sick. "…his skin started to rot and fall off."

"Jesus."

"Tell me about it." Kirk took a cleansing breath. "He begged me to help him. And Khan reappeared and told me to put him out of his misery. That's when the phaser materialized in my hand."

McCoy frowned, pausing before he asked the inevitable question. "Did you do it?"

"No." Kirk's voice was hushed. "I couldn't. So Khan called me a coward and moved in to kill me like he did Marcus. That's when I woke up." He let out a shuddering breath.

'It'll do you good,' he says.

I feel like I'm going to puke.

Pike…

"Helluva dream, huh?" Jim nodded. "Are you seeing any strange visions or optical phenomena coinciding with the nightmares?"

"They're bad dreams, Bones. The whole thing is a strange vision."

"When you're awake, I mean." The doctor tapped his thumbs together in his lap. "Sometimes terrible nightmares can manifest themselves in other states of mind. Namely as visions during the day. And that's a serious sign we need to look out for. It can be an indication that something more than just nasty dreams is going on."

You think I'm going to tell you that I see Khan almost every time I look in the mirror?

That'll get me an insanity diagnosis faster than anything.

and then they'll take the Enterprise from me again.

"I only see him in my dreams, honest."

The doctor sat quietly for a moment before he finally spoke. "Alright, but promise me you'll tell me if the dreams get worse or you start experiencing what we talked about. It's important."

"Okay."

"I'm glad you shared that with me, Jim. I know that must have been tough. But didn't it feel better to know that you don't have to suffer alone? Don't hide from me—from your friends. We're here to help."

"It doesn't matter, Bones. No matter what I do, I'll still have nightmares." He shook his head. "And don't say you'll give me any more meds."

"Jim, let me help you." McCoy gently placed his hand on Kirk's knee. "We have a wonderful ship's counselor. Sit with her—talk to her. You can't keep this shit to yourself; it'll eat you up like termites on a rotten peach tree stump."

"Why can't I just talk to you?"

"I've been barkin' up that tree for a year. Every time I try and get you to open up, you shut me out. I'm a little shocked that you just told me about the dream." He leaned in close and looked Kirk in the eyes. "Look, she's neutral. Talk to her…for me?"

If I agree will you leave me alone?

This blows.

Kirk finally relented with a huff. "Fine."

"Thank you. I may be your CMO, but I'm also your best friend. I don't like to see you hurting. And I sure as hell don't want to see this problem take you down, especially not when we can do something about it." He stood and grabbed Kirk's shoulder. "No one said this recovery was going to be easy, kid. It'll be a work in progress for a long time. It's not every day a man comes back from the dead, let alone agrees to go out into the black for five years so close after."

"I know. And don't think that I don't appreciate everything you've done. I promise I'll get this under control."

"Good. 'Cause I'm sick of huntin' your ass down for simple exams."

Kirk chuckled. "But that's half the fun, Bones. Can I go now?"

"In a minute, I need to take a few vials of blood." He retrieved a small extractor.

Kirk grimaced as he rolled up his shirt sleeve. "I hate that thing. It hurts."

"Don't be such a baby. Getting kicked in the back by a pissed off donkey, now that hurts." He took gentle hold of Jim's arm. The comm beeped just as he was about to draw the blood, causing Kirk to pull his arm back.

"Sir, Captain Borgir would like to thank you before they get on their way."

Kirk pushed his sleeve down. "I'm on my way, Lieutenant. Sorry, Bones! Guess you'll just have to wait to torture me!" He jumped down off of the biobed.

"It'll just make it that much more enjoyable. Be back here before the day is out."

Kirk walked out of Sick Bay.

Of course, he didn't return.

XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX

"You know, Captain, if you keep making chocolate cakes like this, I may never leave." Carol Marcus' eyes twinkled in the candlelight. She dipped the tip of her finger into the remaining ganache on her plate and licked it off with seduction in her eyes.

"That's fine with me. You can do the dishes." Kirk smiled mischievously.

Carol threw a cherry she had picked off her slice at him. Kirk immediately picked it up and popped it in his mouth, the stem reemerging several seconds later tied in a knot. Carol smirked and leaned in over the table, her breath causing the candle flames to dance on the air currents. Her voice was husky with lust.

"That's a pretty impressive trick, Jim. What else can that tongue do?"

Kirk loved this sexy side of her. They had been able to keep their relationship strictly professional when on duty, nothing more than Captain and Science Officer. But when their respective shifts were over and they could be alone together, all bets were off. And Jim couldn't get enough.

Who says a Captain has to behave himself when off duty?

Not when I have such a beautiful woman willing to do anything…

and I mean anything.

Kirk stood, grabbing one of her petite hands in his own. She blew out the candles as she rose and circled the table, grabbing the half-empty bottle of wine as she did so. She wrapped her arms around his neck, bottle gently thumping against his back, as he leaned in and kissed her.

"How would you like to find out?" He purred into her neck, sucking at a spot just behind her ear. Any hickey left over would be easy to cover with her hair. He pulled her closer, pressing himself into her thigh.

Carol bit his ear. "My, my. You're frisky tonight. And apparently very ready for me." She brushed her hand over the front of his pants, causing him to inhale sharply as he buried his face in her shoulder. He reached around her back with his free hand and grabbed both wine glasses, thankfully empty so they wouldn't spill, and began to pull them both backwards towards the bedroom.

Taking just a moment to set the glasses and bottle down on the nightstand, the pair could barely control their most primal of instincts. Hands roamed and lips mashed together as they fell onto the mattress. They had no need for artificial light, as the brightness from a close-by moon illuminated the cabin with a low glow. Bright enough to see each other, yet dim enough to leave an air mystery.

One of Jim's hands tickled up Carol's thigh and under her dress, ghosting across the junction between her thighs. He growled seductively as he found she was without panties. "If I wouldn't have known better, I would think you were expecting something tonight, Lieutenant." He brushed his fingertips over her, and a shudder coursed through her entire body.

Carol curled her fingers around the hem of his shirt, pushing it up to expose his toned abdomen. "Shirt off…now."

Kirk pouted. "But then I'll have to move my hand. And I don't think you want that to happen just yet." He rubbed his thumb over her and she gasped with pleasure.

"Be rewarded later for a present sacrifice." She licked her lips and kissed him forcefully. "Lose the shirt."

Jim obliged and sat up, pulling the shirt over his head and tossing it on the floor. Carol followed suit, allowing him to reach around and unzip her dress, removing it and leaving her naked in the low light of the cabin. She smiled and briefly covered her chest, feigning embarrassment.

"You're beautiful, Carol." He ran his hands down her arms, settling on her hips. They closed the gap between one another and kissed passionately for a long moment.

Carol finally broke for air and pushed Jim on his back. Straddling him, she reached for his belt buckle and began to undo the clasp. Jim laced his fingers behind his head and relaxed into the pillow, watching her every move.

I love the way she looks in the moonlight.

Just for me.

This is going to be a good night.

I swear to God if anyone comms me, I'll flip my lid.

Kirk felt her hands on his hips, pushing his trousers down slowly. He allowed her to remove them along with his boxers. In an instant, they were both naked, forcing Carol to lean over and lay on his chest for body heat. This allowed him to hold her close, strong arms wrapping around her tiny body, pressing himself against her most intimate of areas.

Before they knew it, they had joined together, Jim relishing in Carol's heat as she moved with him. He loved the way her weight felt on top of him as he craned his neck downwards to bury his face in her breasts, taking a moment to choose a nipple to cover with his mouth.

They danced together in the darkness, soft moans permeating through the otherwise silent cabin. Carol sat back, bracing herself with her hands on his chest. She threw her head back in the throes of passion, Jim watching as ecstasy took her expression. He watched her as she bit her lower lip and moaned, her movements and sounds stoking his own fire.

Kirk brought his hands up to knead her breasts, her skin erupting in tiny goose bumps at his touch. She opened her eyes and looked at him, pupils blown with lust. "You have magic hands, Captain." Jim felt Carol's body begin to tense, the telltale sign of approaching climax. He timed his movements along with hers, striving for mutual release.

"Together, Carol. Please." Jim's voice was breathy and passionate. He knew he couldn't hold out much longer.

She smiled in the moonlight, leaning down to kiss him, tongue battling with his own for dominance. She matched his speed, shudders ripping through both lovers moments later as Jim's wish was granted. Carol collapsed down on his chest, breathing heavily in the aftermath of their lovemaking session.

Kirk held her tightly, inhaling the soft scent of her floral perfume. He nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck and sighed contentedly. He could feel her heartbeat pounding in her chest, pressed against his own.

"Jim, that was incredible." Her voice was muffled by the pillow next to Kirk's head. She turned her face and gently kissed his ear, her breath tickling the sensitive skin of his cheek.

He said nothing, instead hugged her closer, wicking away the last of the remaining body heat radiating off of her. He could feel her begin to shiver, so he begrudgingly broke the connection between them, allowing her to roll onto her side. He sat up enough to grab the covers, and suddenly missing her warmth, he quickly laid back down, pulling the blankets up over them both. Carol curled up next to him, Jim's strong arm wrapping around her as she exhaled deeply.

They lay there for a long moment in silence, listening to each other's breathing steady as they recovered from their intense experience. Jim tangled his fingers in her blonde hair, while his other hand rested on his own abdomen, holding hers tightly.

I never want this feeling to end.

She makes me feel so happy.

Nothing can get to me when she's in my arms.

Carol yawned sleepily. "You've worn me out, Jim."

"Usually it's the man who falls asleep right after." He kissed the top of her forehead with a chuckle. "Stay the night?"

"Of course." She sighed deeply and turned her head at an awkward angle to kiss him once more before sleep took them both.

XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX

[Kill her.]

[Wrap your hands around her throat and squeeze.]

Jim's eyes shot open and he found himself hovering over his sleeping lover, his shaking hands millimeters from Carol's throat. Rage boiled inside of him as he snarled in the darkness. He desperately wanted to feel the soft flesh of her neck under his fingers, her windpipe being crushed with incredible force. He allowed his hands to move closer, licking his lips in anticipation as he went in for the kill. He began to feel aroused at the prospect of watching her gasp for air, clawing at his hands as he constricted harder. He hoped her eyes would bulge.

She stirred slightly in her sleep, turning her head to the side, leaving her neck more exposed than ever. He could see her heartbeat thumping through the vein in her neck. Kirk thought about how thrilling it would be to slice it open, watching her lifeblood stain his light blue sheets.

He leaned close enough to inhale deeply near her face. She still smelled of perfume and sex. It excited him, and he couldn't wait to snap her neck in two.

What the fuck?

Oh my God!

Stop!

He pushed himself away quickly, his breaths coming in short terrified gasps. He stared at his hands in disbelief. If he looked hard enough, he could imagine Carol's blood staining them.

Was I dreaming?

The voice…it was…

mine.

His own voice had been sinister and threatening, and he felt as if he had been moments away from acting on the phantom command. Never in his life had he heard himself be so menacing.

Jim could feel the rage surfacing once again and knew he needed to get away.

Before he hurt her.

Thankfully, Carol lay sleeping, blissfully unaware of the danger that had threatened her life mere moments before. Jim carefully crawled out of bed, unsure of what to do. He didn't trust himself to stay in the cabin with her, and that felt awful.

I could have killed her.

What's happening to me?

He quietly slipped on some clothes and left a note for Carol—citing some bridge business and not to worry—and headed for the ship's gym. Oftentimes, after he had lived through a panic attack or felt emotionally out of control, working out helped him to recover. He didn't want to admit it to anyone—and certainly not to McCoy—but ever since he had recovered from the transfusion, he would have episodes of manic energy. Sometimes it would be benign, manifesting itself in bursts of adrenaline lasting for days. He wouldn't sleep during those times, and instead would immerse himself in books, files or any other activity that he desired. He didn't mind those highly energetic moments, and enjoyed being able to get things done.

But there were also times where malicious, rageful feelings would seep into his brain. They didn't happen very often, but when they did, it frightened him. He would be fine one moment, but in an instant be compelled to strike out. Sometimes it would be something minor, like the need to punch someone in the face for no reason, or feelings of intense anger for a simple mistake or mishap. Then there would be the moments where he wanted nothing more than to slit Spock's throat, or put a phaser to Chekov's head and pull the trigger.

Just for the hell of it.

To see Spock clutch at his neck, green blood pouring out from underneath his fingertips while he gasped. Or watching as the Ensign's brain was seared from the inside by the phaser shot, nothing more than a puff of smoke emanating from the other side of his skull.

Those urges terrified him.

But not once had they been accompanied by a voice. Never had it been himself telling him to harm. That's what sacred him the most. The thought of losing himself like that made him want to sit in an airlock and hit the release. He could never imagine hurting a member of his crew like that.

He never wanted to be like Khan.

Oftentimes he would think about the augment blood that had revived him, and the remnants that still coursed through his veins. Kirk knew that McCoy had done what he thought would give him the best fighting chance at the time, and he not once blamed the good doctor for any of his heath woes following the procedure. After all, if it wouldn't have been for his best friend, he'd be dead and buried.

But, on nights where he couldn't sleep because he was frenzied, or when he felt the urge to bash Uhura's skull in with a club…he couldn't help but think if he would have been better off dead. Then he wouldn't be tempted to hurt the people he loved.

He knew damn well that if he ever went to McCoy with any of this, he'd try to medicate him. But worse yet—he'd be required to inform the brass at Starfleet. And Jim knew he'd lose his ship if they realized that their golden boy was having homicidal tendencies.

So, he kept it bottled up, and prayed that the feelings would subside little by little, and he could get on with his life.

Obviously, that wasn't happening.

He poked his head out of his cabin door, thankful that the halls were deserted in the early hour. He still felt bubbling twinges of the manic waves deep within him, and he didn't know if he could restrain himself if he were to run into anyone. Usually he had an escape route if he felt the tendencies—he would abruptly leave the bridge citing business he had to take care of, or be thankful that he was alone in his quarters.

He made it to the gym without confrontation from anyone and immediately went to the weights, grabbing two fifty-pounders and curling them in unison without even batting an eyelash. Every pump of his muscles brought him closer to getting rid of the fury that simmered in his veins—wrath that he could never let out in the presence of others.

As the fury melted away, dripping from his face as he strained, he told himself he was in control.

And when he left two hours later, he still believed it.