It's already morning, but it seems like I went to sleep minutes ago. I can feel the warmth of the sun filling up my room, and I stir in bed debating whether I should wake up or not. I lie on my back and open my eyes, and as soon as I do it dawns on me. It's my birthday and I have no father, my mother is gone and Prim…Prim is not here anymore. I am alone, and right now, not even Peeta can make me forget that.
I breathe deeply and get up from the bed, the state of my loneliness still present in my head. I brush my teeth, braid my hair and change into my hunting gear; going through the motions, not letting myself feel. Not yet. I grab my bow and arrows and leave the house. I head to the woods, my movements almost automatic. I get there not knowing how I did, my body guides itself through the routine, since my mind it's shut down, blank. I can't quite concentrate, but I've done this before and with some luck, I manage to hunt two rabbits. I get sick of the woods after a while, my mind still blank, and I head back home. On my way there, I stop at Greasy Sae's house to leave the rabbits. I tell her she doesn't need to cook for me today; I would rather be alone. She asks if I'm ok, or something like that, but I leave without answering. I don't know for how much longer I can keep that pain away and I must get home.
I open the door and close it behind me, not even bothering to lock it, which makes me think that it's no different than any other day, since I never do. I go to my room and change into my pajamas, even though it's probably past noon, maybe later than that. I wander around the house, still shutting away my feelings, looking for a distraction, when the phone rings. I pick it up, thinking it may be Effie with her mindless conversation, which I would welcome right now; but it's not her. Mom calls to wish me a happy birthday, and just like that, at the sound of her voice, I am forced to face that pain I've been shutting away.
We talk and we cry, mostly cry, and she tells me how she wishes she could be with me right now, but the pain of going back to District 12 and our house, would be too much for her.
"So I should just suffer this alone, because apparently it's not painful for me." I think to myself. We say our goodbyes and I hang up. The fact that our conversation comes to an end, the absence of her voice, reminds me once again that I am alone. The tears start falling and I'm unable to control my sobs, I can barely breathe. I walk without direction from the living room to the kitchen and back, not knowing what to do with myself or where to go. There in the kitchen, I see Haymitch's bottle. I open it and drink, swallowing as fast as I can, not wanting to taste the awful flavor. The liquor stings my throat and I gag, but the promise of numbness is too powerful to stop drinking, and I take another gulp.
I walk upstairs, slowly, knowing where I will go next. I stand in front of Prim's bedroom door, and stare at it. I haven't been inside her room since I got back from the Capitol, probably even before that. I open the door, and at the sight of the room, the pain hits me like a blow to the chest. Prim's room, her things, her scent lingers here, and it's too much to take in. My knees buckle and I sink to the floor, spilling the contents of the bottle in the doorway. The alcohol didn't have the effect I had hoped for, because even though my vision is a bit clouded and I can't think straight, the pain of losing my sister is as vivid as in the moment I saw her die.
I lie on the floor for what seems like hours. Eventually, my sobs become steadier, less ragged, and turn into quiet tears. I feel warmness against my body, followed by a hand moving the hair away from my face.
"Katniss"
Peeta is here. I turn to look at him, and I can see there is pain in his eyes, too. He helps me sit up and his arms circle me. I bury my face in his neck. "She's gone Peeta. She's gone." I say, my lips pressed against his skin. "I know. I know." He says in a whisper, and holds me tighter.
He holds me like that, stroking my hair and kissing my forehead. At some point tells me that I should move to the bed and get some rest, that I'll be more comfortable there. "Only if you stay with me" I say half asleep.
He helps me get up and hold on to him, fearing to fall down if I let go. We lie together in bed, his body next to mine, his arm around me. I can feel him breathing, his lips against the back of my neck, and in my dazed, I think about how my body fits so well against his. How we, as broken and damaged and hurt as we are, are like pieces of a puzzle meant to go together, to be together. This makes me smile, and I finally fall asleep.
I am at my old house in The Seam, the house it's empty. It's pitch black and I'm scared, then scent of cinnamon and dill enters the room and melts my fears away.
"Peeta?" I whisper.
"Katniss." he answers back.
All of a sudden he grabs my arms and turns me around, pushing me against the wall, pinning me with his body. His hands are all over my body, grabbing my breast, under my dress and stroking the inside of thighs. He is being rough, careless, and this makes me feel uncomfortable. I try to move, but his hands push me against the wall.
"Stay still" says a voice that does not belong to Peeta. I panic and try to get away from his hold. He grabs both of my hands as I struggle to turn around, and in that moment the room is lit.
"Hello girl on fire. Not who you were expecting, huh?" Cato grins and I stare at his face, unable to move or say a single word. He pushes me hard against the wall once more, and I finally react. I use all my strength to try to get away from him, but he is stronger. He puts my hands behind my back and leans closer. I can feel him breathing on me.
"I can still do this." He whispers in my ear and licks the side of my neck. "Let me go!" I scream, finding my voice. I try to free my arms, but he just holds me tighter, and I scream at the pain and the frustration of it all. He laughs at this, but the laughter turns into a howl, and I can see him, right there before my eyes transforming into one of the horrible mutts that ate his body at the arena. I'm helpless. I try to push hi, kick him, but it's useless. His claws dig into my arms and the pain is unbearable. I try to scream, but no sound comes out. I can't find my voice, I can't get away, and he is going to kill me.
I wake up with a jolt, my mouth open in a scream. I look around the room and realize I'm back the Victor's Village, safe in my room and it was a nightmare. Peeta comes running from downstairs and I can see the concern in his face. He sits on the bed and grabs my shoulders.
"Are you ok? Katniss! What's wrong?" he asks as he shakes me. I push his arms away, and struggle to get to my feet. "You were supposed to be here with me!" I say, and as soon as the words leave my mouth I feel like a stupid little girl. This makes me mad and sad at the same time, and my eyes water immediately. He grabs me by the shoulders again, and pulls me next to him, hugging me. I try to fight him, to push him away, but I feel too tired. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He says holding me tighter, and my anger melts away. I give in, and hold him too. I put my arms around his neck and bury my face there, like I've done so many times before. I take a deep breath and inhale his scent. This awakens something inside me, the hunger I've felt in my dreams; the fire that burns me at night when I think about him, and I know I crave this closeness. I crave him. I need him.
Thanks to those of you who took the time to read this. It means a lot to me. Chapter 3 coming soon!
