Author's Note: What constitutes as "fake Internet"? I don't know, so I used a low-battery iPhone instead :P

Anyway, I feel that this chapter is better (although rampantly peppered with stupid). Enjoy!


Chapter 2: The Sewing- Life Alchemist

A walk into the sunset and a train ride later, the Elric brothers found themselves at Eastern Headquarters. Ed was sipping vodka from a flask, while Al walked around looking like a life-sized working Bender robot. Niisan had said it was "to throw off anyone who might be following us." Al made a mental note to wipe off his blood seal later.

"Here we *hic* are," said Ed, standing in front of a door.

"Niisan…that's the utility closet."


After a few guided prods in the right direction, the two brothers made it to Colonel Mustang's office, where Lieutenant Liza Hawkeye let them in.

"Good to see you two again," she said. "Is that a new look, Alphonse?"

"Yup," said Ed. "He looks totally awesome now, Lt. Pigeonfoot."

"It's Hawkeye, Niisan."

"Shut up, Bender."

The Elric brothers walked in and Hawkeye shut the door behind them. They spotted Colonel Roy Mustang at his desk, pretending to do work by signing a few documents that didn't really need signing.

"Keanu Reeves?" said Ed.

Roy sighed. "Once again, Fullmetal, you are to refer to me as 'Colonel Mustang,' not-" he glanced up from his paperwork and spotted Bender-Al. "Would you please take this meeting seriously and change your brother back?" He shook his head and muttered, "Dumbass…"

Ed changed Al into a filing cabinet.

Roy shrugged. He could use another filing cabinet.

"Anyway, I have someone interesting to introduce to you," Mustang pulled out a file. "His name is Shou Tucker, and he's known as the Sewing-Life Alchemist."

"What does he have to do with us?" asked Ed.

Al lit up at the name. "Hey! Maybe he can help us get our bodies back?"

"What? Oh, no," said Mustang. "No no this has nothing to do with that. Shou Tucker is a volunteer counselor at the East City AA organization. I'm sending you two there so Fullmetal can get help with his drinking problem."

Al's non-existent heart sank.

"I do NOT have a prinking droblem!" slurred Ed.

He promptly vomited.

"You're cleaning that up," said Roy.

Five minutes later

"I'll have Havoc take you to Tucker's house," said Roy. "I think it would be good for everyone if you confronted your problem, Fullmetal."

"Pffffffft fine," said Ed. "But only because we have nowhere else to stay tonight."

Al thought back to the warm bed he had at his old house, and his non-existent heart sank even further.

Ed exited, and Al rolled along after him.

Roy sighed. He leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms behind his head, and put his feet on his desk.

"So Hawkeye," he said. "I hear you like big guns."

"Sir, do I need to use the water spray again?"

"…I'll be good."


The Elric brothers arrived at Shou Tucker's house, Havoc leading the way across the front yard to the door. They were a bit late because Havoc had a difficult time putting filing-cabinet-Al inside his car (in the end, deciding to tie him to the top). Also, he had to chase Ed several times because he had tried leaving the car at every red light on the way there.

As they approached the door, Ed heard something large running toward him.

"Eh?"

A huge, white dog landed on his face.

"YYAAAAARGH!" Ed hated dogs. He blamed Den, because that dog had a habit of pissing on him whenever he slept on the floor over at Winry's house as a kid.

"Bad doggie!" said a little girl, running after the dog. "Bad Alexander! No!" She pulled the dog off a disheveled Ed.

"I'm so sorry!" said a man running from behind the house and approaching Ed. "Are you all right?"

"I think it made me pregnant."

Al longed for an arm to hit Ed with.

"Ah, Mr. Tucker," said Havoc. "I believe you spoke with my superior about helping one of his subordinates?"

"Whajoo call me?"

"Ah yes," said Tucker. "Nina, why don't you play in the backyard? Daddy has some work to attend to."

"Okay!"

Nina and Alexander ran off to play, while Havoc left Ed and Al in Tucker's care.


Ed, Al, and Tucker sat at the dining table so they could talk. Al was finally restored with his normal suit of armor body (except for the "FOR A GOOD TIME CALL" followed by Roy's office number now engraved on his back, unbeknownst to him).

"Now, Edward," said Tucker, "the first step to curing alcoholism is admitting you have a problem. We can't make any progress unless you do that first-"

"-You have like, a really big house," said Ed, staring in wonderment all around him. "Like, really big. Can we look around?"

"Um, yes maybe later, but I really think we should-" Ed and Al got up and proceeded to leave the living room.


Several hours later, Tucker found them. They had found his extensive manga library.

The two of them sat cross-legged in the midst of numerous piles of manga on the wooden floor, each reading one.

"HAHAHAHA oh Riiko," said Ed, nose-deep in a copy of Absolute Boyfriend, "will you ever find love?" Al was reading Onepiece. He liked Onepiece.

"Boys, really, we need to-"

"Oh yeah, that's right!" said Al. "You have a lab, right? Can we see it?"

"Um…" The brothers got up and immediately began to look for it. Tucker gave up and led them to his lab. "It's not much," he said.

The lab was small and dimly lit. Aligned on the walls were caged experimental animals making all sorts of strange noises, as well as shelves stacked with preserved creatures in jars. Al and Ed looked around curiously. Ed spotted a creature that vaguely resembled the Intergalactic Sun God of Liore, floating around in a jar on a high shelf. Al was staring at a cat with 18 ears on its head and could not decide if it was adorable or unspeakable.

"Hey, what's that?" Ed pointed at something chained to the wall on the other side of the lab across from them.

"That? Oh, it's nothing- just a chimera I'm working on," said Tucker. "Boys, we really should-"

Ed went up close to the chimera. It looked familiar.

It was in the form of a woman. She seemed to be in her forties, was of average height, and had dark hair. She looked like she was in horrific pain.

"Kill me," she said. Ed and Al stared, and very slowly, comprehension dawned on Ed.

"Tucker," he said. "What is she? How did you create her?"

"Oh, she's nobody- just a mix of two people-"

Ed slammed Tucker against the wall. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" he yelled. "HOW COULD YOU? JK ROWLING AND SMEYER? YOU USED THEM TO CREATE A CHIMERA! SACRILEGE!"

"Why are you so mad?" said Tucker, a mad glint in his eye. "As a scientist, you-"

Ed punched him hard in the face, sending his glasses flying.

"YOU'RE PLAYING WITH HUMAN LIVES!"

Tucker looked back at Ed with a rapidly swelling eye. "Me? What about you? What about Bat-" Ed punched him again.

"SHUT UP!" he cried. "I'M NOT LIKE YOU!"

Some more dramatic dialogue and punching ensued, but the author is currently being lazy.


"If there is such a thing as the work of the devil, then there's no doubt it's what happened in this incident," said Lt. Hawkeye a couple hours later as she and Colonel Mustang descended down the steps from Eastern HQ. It was raining hard, and both of them were on their way to arrest Tucker.

"The devil, huh?" said Roy. "Well, rest assured, Tucker will face a trial for what he did…That poor, poor chimera…" he closed his coat more against the rain and shivered slightly.

Ed, who had tired himself out from beating up Tucker and drinking too much, was passed out on the stairs, a dejected-looking Al sitting next to him. Roy and Liza stepped over Ed and continued to discuss Tucker's case.


Tucker and the chimera were inside the house, waiting for military officials to take them away. They sat near the window in the middle of the dining room, and the only source of light was the lightning outside. "Why does no one understand?" said Tucker, who was facing the chimera. "Right, Rowyer?" The chimera twitched.

Suddenly, Tucker heard someone walking through the doorway. He turned to see a man slowly materializing out of the darkness in the hallway. He was wearing civilian clothing and sunglasses, and had an unusual mark on his forehead.

"Are you Shou Tucker?" he asked.

Tucker stood up. "Who are you?" he said, alarmed. "You're not from the military, how did you get in? There should have been military guards at the door…"

The mysterious man lifted his right arm and stretched his fingers. "Alchemists who have turned away from the path of the Creator must be annihilated!" He grabbed Tucker's face and sent a wave of destructive alchemy through his body, killing him. He then turned to the chimera.

"It's sad," he said, patting her on the head. "There is no way to restore you from this body. At the very least, rest in peace." And, with a touch of his hand, she lived no more.


"Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster," said the man minutes later as he exited the house and crossed the front yard, "our glorious Flying Spaghetti Monster who created all in the world. Two souls have just returned by your side. Or is it three? Anyway, please usher them to your great tomato-y bosom and give these pitiful souls peace and salvation."


CHAPTER EPILOGUE

Alexander ate Nina.


Author's Note: I really couldn't think of any other kind of chimera. I am deeply sorry.