Hope Springs Eternal – Chapter 2
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DISCLAIMER: I am not connected to Emmerdale and its characters, which belong to ITV
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Marc Silcock reprises his original role in Emmerdale, as Josh Hope.
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Josh was busy learning the ropes in the cafe. He had asked his father if he could put in a few hours to earn his keep and Bob agreed it was a good idea; as long as it did not interfere with his studies at college. Aaron, with or without Adam, often called in and he was fast becoming a friend. They would sometimes share a drink at the Woolpack and felt relaxed in each other's company. Josh knew Aaron was gay, but somehow the subject did not crop up in their conversations, though Aaron often felt that Josh wanted to talk about something that was on his mind. Indeed, Josh did want to confide in Aaron; but it was still early in their friendship; both lads were still finding their feet with each other. The planned night out in town, which Aaron had originally suggested, had still not taken place; Josh continued to plead poverty; but Aaron had a feeling that there was some other reason for Josh's reluctance to go to Bar West. He wondered if Josh was as keen on the idea as he had made out.
Things came to a head a few weeks later. Josh had arranged, as he had done a few times previously, to meet Aaron and Adam at the Woolpack. They were sitting at a table when Adam said, "So, who's up for a night out in town on Friday?"
"Count me in!" Aaron replied, "How about you, Josh?"
Josh felt like making some excuse, but he did not want the other boys to think he was being unfriendly, so he said, "Yeah, OK!"
"Great," Adam smiled, "no need to ask where we'll be going, eh Aaron?"
"You always say Bar West has the best pool table in town!" Aaron said to Adam. He then looked at Josh, "Do you play, Josh."
Josh's mind had wandered a bit and he did not pick up on Aaron's question, "Sorry! Play what?"
"Pool!" replied Aaron, "Attention span of a goldfish, this one!" He looked at Adam and jerked his head towards Josh.
"Eh, yeah, well I have played; I'm probably a bit rusty."
"No worries!" Adam chipped in, "You'll beat Aaron hands down with his skills."
"Look who's talking," Aaron went to ruffle Adam's hair but Adam moved his head back quickly to prevent him from making contact.
Josh laughed, he was happy in their company; maybe he would enjoy the night out with these two.
"Look," Aaron said, still sensing some unease on Josh's part, "we can go somewhere else if you'd prefer. Would you rather go somewhere to pick up some girls?"
"It's OK; really. That bar sounds OK. Besides, if it does have the best pool table, why go anywhere else?"
When he arrived back home, Josh was able to be alone with his thoughts. He was still a little apprehensive of visiting Bar West; though he tried to convince himself that he was being foolish. Why would going to a gay bar be a big deal? Adam did not seem to have any qualms about it, so why should he?
Adam and Aaron stayed for another drink at the Woolpack after Josh had left.
"He's alright, that Josh." said Adam.
"Yeah, he's a bit quiet though," Aaron replied.
"Nothing wrong with that! Do you think he's gay?"
"What makes you say that?"
"I've seen the way he looks at you! I think he fancies you!"
"Shut up!" Aaron looked embarrassed and furrowed his brow, "Don't be a div! He's straight! Cain told me that he tried to chat up that girl at the casino, remember?"
"Yeah, but he hasn't got a girlfriend, has he?" Adam was piecing things together in his mind.
"So what? Maybe he just hasn't found a girl to go out with yet."
"Or he's not interested!" Adam was like a dog with a bone.
"Nah! I'm sure he must be straight; why would he try to chat up a girl if he's gay?"
"Er, excuse me! Who was it that dated my sister?" Adam looked directly at Aaron.
"Good point; but I didn't know who I was back then."
"Maybe Josh doesn't know who he is, either."
Aaron did not answer, he digested Adam's comment. Maybe his friend was wiser than he gave him credit for.
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Friday night came around quickly; the three friends were having fun at Bar West, challenging each other to a few games of pool. Josh turned out to be a better player than he had suggested, admitting that he sometimes played when he went out with mates from college. Aaron accused him of being a 'dark horse', especially when he beat him at a game.
They were sitting at a table between games when Aaron said, "So Josh, what do you think of Bar West then?"
"It's OK," Josh replied, "you were right about the pool table!"
"Yeah," Adam joked, "pity about the standard of the players, though!" he grimaced at Aaron.
"I'll beat you next time!"
"In your dreams, lad!"
"Josh here could easily beat you!" Aaron put his hand on Josh's thigh, but when he saw the look of discomfort on Josh's face, he immediately withdrew the offending hand.
"Sorry!" Aaron apologised.
"No, it's OK, don't worry about it," Josh tried to put Aaron at ease; he did not want to spoil their evening out.
For the rest of the evening, Aaron kept his hands to himself; he was feeling a bit uncomfortable about putting his hand on Josh's leg, especially as he was not usually a tactile sort of person. Yet, there was something about Josh which drew him in; he wanted to be close to him. He had not felt this way about anyone since Jackson; which made his discomfort even worse.
Josh was also feeling uncomfortable. He felt that he might have made too much of the seemingly innocent physical contact with Aaron. He liked Aaron a lot; and he was developing feelings that he did not understand. He was enjoying his night out at Bar West; but had a slightly guilty feeling that he should not be having such a good time in a gay bar!
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The next day, Josh was serving behind the counter at the cafe when Aaron walked in.
"Hi!" Aaron seemed in a chirpy mood, "Did you enjoy yourself last night?"
"Yeah," Josh replied, "thanks for inviting me."
"Maybe we could do it again sometime?"
"Maybe," replied Josh, but then became evasive, "though I'll need to save up again!"
"Yeah, I know what you mean," Aaron looked a bit despondent, "I'm pretty skint myself! Tell you what, why don't you come round to my place later, we could watch a DVD or something."
"Will Paddy be there?"
"No, he's out with Marlon tonight; we'd have the place to ourselves."
"I don't know," Josh was trying to back out; even though, deep down, he did not want to do so, "Aren't you going out with Adam?"
"Adam's booked for a family birthday party, so I'm at a loose end!" Aaron explained.
"Oh, so you thought you'd bring me on as a substitute, thanks!" said Josh, sarcastically.
"What's up with you?" Aaron sounded a little annoyed.
"Nothing; sorry! Just one of those days I guess," Josh was kicking himself for trying to push Aaron away, "OK, I'll come round to yours later!"
Aaron smiled, "Bring a couple of cans, eh?"
Later that day, Aaron was sitting in the living room at Smithy Cottage. He had put some crisps in a bowl on the coffee table and the beers were in the fridge. He answered the knock at the door to find Josh standing there; it still surprised him how much Josh reminded him of Jackson, especially at first sight.
The two lads settled down on the sofa and Aaron spoke, "What sort of films do you like?" he asked, picking up a stack of DVD's.
"Anything really; you choose," Josh looked nervous.
"Are you OK?" asked a concerned Aaron.
Josh took a deep breath, "Yeah, I'm OK. I'm always a bit jittery when I go somewhere new."
"This place is hardly new!"
"You know what I mean! Somewhere I haven't been before."
"Are you sure that's all it is?" Aaron was picking up on Josh's discomfort, "I get the feeling you weren't totally happy at Bar West. Maybe we should have gone somewhere else."
"No, I enjoyed it, honestly. It's just..."
"What? Come on, you can tell me."
Josh weighed up his options in his mind. Deep down inside, he knew that he was attracted to Aaron; and not only as a friend. He tried to give the impression of being straight to the outside world; but, he had never had a girlfriend; only friends who were girls. He badly wanted to say all this to Aaron who was sitting right beside him, wanting to be his friend; but he could not bring himself to speak of his true feelings.
"Forget it," Josh bottled out, "I'm being daft! Come on; put one of these DVD's on!"
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Next morning, Aaron was buttering a breakfast roll in the kitchen when Paddy appeared from upstairs.
"You're up early," Paddy remarked, "everything OK?"
"Everything's fine," replied Aaron.
"Did you enjoy your evening?" Paddy continued.
"Yeah, it was alright. That Josh is a bit of a strange one."
"How do you mean?"
"Well, I keep getting the feeling he wants to tell me something; but, when I think he's going to tell me he suddenly clams up."
"Now, who does that remind me of?" Paddy looked at Aaron with a big grin.
"Ha ha, very funny. I think he might be gay, but I don't like to ask. Maybe he's in denial or something."
"Why do you think he's gay?" Paddy said.
"Well, I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend; plus Adam thinks he might be."
"So, Adam is fitted with 'Gaydar' now, is he?" Paddy chuckled.
"Oi!" Aaron playfully waved his butter knife at Paddy, "I'm trying to be serious."
"You like him, don't you? Josh, I mean."
"Yeah, I do."
"What does it matter then? You can be friends, regardless. I'm sure he'll confide in you if and when he's ready."
"Yeah, you're probably right!" a little smile played around Aaron's lips, his surrogate father had hit the nail on the head, as usual.
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Josh was tossing and turning in his bed, his emotions were all over the place. He knew that he had strong feelings for Aaron; but it scared him. He had often pictured himself finding a nice girl; maybe getting married and settling down; but he was becoming aware that he was not being honest with himself; that his inclinations were pulling him in another direction. Now all he could think about was Aaron; and it was dawning on him that he fancied the handsome young mechanic. He fought the notion; telling himself that he simply had a feeling of friendship for Aaron; but he knew, deep down, that it was more than that. He also knew that he had experienced such thoughts before, about boys in school and college; but he had denied them, thinking to himself that it was just a phase he was going through. Now, having met an attractive gay man and visiting a gay bar, it was becoming clear that he liked what he saw; but, all the same, he was struggling to accept it.
Aaron was also struggling with his feelings for Josh. He did like him a lot and wanted to be his friend; in fact, he wondered if he could be more than a friend; but he knew that part of the reason for feeling that way was Josh's striking resemblance to Jackson. Also, he could not be sure that Josh was gay and, if it turned out that he was not, he did not know if a platonic friendship would be enough. He worried that, if he made the wrong move, he could spoil things between them and lose his friendship altogether. But, one thing was clear; he was attracted to the guy and Josh was on his mind, all the time.
