(Author's Note: So I was told this story is okay for the most part. I figured I would try and update as much as I could before I go on my cruise at the end of the week. Also, I am a fan of Mark/Roger but some of the beginning of the story is going to be Mark/Roger Friendship. I like their frienship too, but I really like them together because I think their personalities complement each other so well.
Just so everyone knows there is a note at the end of this chapter to explain something that I'm sure some might not get. Thanks for reading and here is the next chapter.)
Chapter Two: Mark's Confession
Roger sat there in shock. Did Mark just say what Roger thought he just said? Did Mark just say he was dying? Well this wasn't a big thing considering everyone will end up dying. Roger hoped deep down that this is what Mark meant, but he knew in the pit of his stomach that it wasn't at all what Mark meant.
He looked at the man sitting in front of him. He knew Mark was thin, but he never thought it was due to Mark dying. Then the realization really hit him. He knew Mark was dying, but he didn't know from what.
"Mark? How sick are you?" Roger asked. He had reached forward and grabbed one of Mark's hands and held it tight. Terror filled Roger's whole body as he heard the three words Mark replied with.
"More than you." Mark said as another tear fell down his cheek. Roger didn't even bother to answer. He dropped Mark's hand and wrapped both arms around Mark and pulled him into a tight hug. He wasn't going to let Mark go for the world. Mark needed him more than anything now and Roger needed Mark in his life more than anything else and wasn't going to leave Mark.
Mark wrapped his arms around Roger and began to cry. He body began to shake as he sobbed into Roger's shoulder. He couldn't help but feel guilty that he had to break the promise he had made to Roger so many years ago.
Roger was shivering as he was in the beginning of his withdrawal. Mark sat next to him and rubbed Roger's back in hopes of claming him down, sadly, his attempts failed. Roger began to shake more, not for the withdrawal but from crying. Mark wrapped his arms around Roger's body and held him close. Roger's shaking began to shake Mark's body, but he ignored that fact. Mark reached up and ran a hand through Roger's hair; instantly Roger began to calm down. His shaking became less, but he held onto Mark for support and to feel his warmth.
"Mark?" Roger asked. His voice was weak from shaking and he was weak from the medicines he had to take due to being HIV positive. His body was still getting use to them.
"I'm here Roger." Mark replied as he kept his arms around his body and his hand still running through Roger's hair.
"Promise you'll never leave me." Roger said. He was extremely worn out and he was too tired to try to move to go to bed. He would rather, just stay here in Mark's arm knowing that he would never be left.
"I promise. I'm here Roger, and I'll always be here." Mark replied. He was also tired and he didn't want to move. He wanted to stay on the couch with Roger in his arms. He loved the feeling of warmth against his body and the feeling of being needed by someone. Both men fell asleep on the couch. Roger had laid his head back against Mark's chest and Mark's head was resting on top of Roger's head. Mark's arms were wrapped around Roger's waist and both where content being with each other.
Mark was the first to awaken in the morning. He held on tighter to Roger, but his movement had awakened Roger.
"Mark?" he asked as sleep still filled his body. He just wanted to cuddle back in close to Mark and go back to sleep.
"I'm still here." Mark said. He too was still sleepy and he wasn't in a hurry to move.
"Mark, will you stay with me until the day I die?" Roger asked. Mark tightened his hold on Roger and laid his head back down on Roger's head.
"I'll be with you until that day comes. You're my best friend, Roger, and I couldn't leave you when your time came. I'll be here for you." Mark said.
That was the day that Mark kept reminding Roger about whenever Roger doubted Mark. They were best friends and that wouldn't change, no matter who died first.
Mark had promised to be there for Roger and never leave him and that Roger wouldn't have to die alone. Now it was inevitable that Mark would die before Roger even started to get sick.
"I'm sorry, Roger." Mark said in between sobs. It was tearing himself up on the inside for having to break his promise.
"For what?" Roger asked as he held Mark close. He stroked Mark's hair and tried to calm that crying blonde in his arms.
"I'm not going to be around to make sure you don't die alone. I promised you years ago that you wouldn't die alone and that I would be there until your dying day, but now I can't. I am so sorry." Mark said as he began to cry hander. He buried his head into Roger's neck but Roger pulled Mark away from him and made Mark look at him.
"Don't apologize from that. You have no control over it. I don't want you leaving with that on your mind. I would rather you didn't die alone then me. I took so much of your life during my depression and withdrawal that I don't want you to worry about it. I am taking your promise and you won't die alone. Never tell me that you're sorry about leaving me. There is nothing for you to be sorry for." Roger said. Mark began to cry harder and Roger pulled him back into a hug. "Shhh, you're going to be fine. We'll make it through this. We'll get you treatment and you'll live longer, and I'll help you through it all. I promise. I'm not going anywhere." Roger said while trying to calm Mark down.
"Roger, we don't have money for even one treatment. We barely have money for food, rent and your AZT to add on the expense of me." Mark said as he held onto Roger.
"So we'll go without my AZT for a while." Roger said.
"No!" Mark said as he jumped up and looked Roger in the eye.
"Why not? Isn't your life worth just as much as mine? I should be able to give up my health for you. You always gave things up so I could live and now I am going to do the same for you." Roger said. He looked at Mark and Mark knew there was no way to make Roger understand what he had.
"You can't give up your AZT. You would have to give it up for three years to be able to pay for even one of my treatments. I'm not going to let you die for me." Mark said as tears fall down his face.
"You gave up a million things so I was able to have my AZT and food. You almost killed yourself a zillion different times just to save me. I want to help you after all that you have done for me." Roger told Mark. He was really willing to give up his life so Mark could live. Mark was meant to outlive him, but Roger knew no matter what he did, he'd never be able to change the fact that Mark was going to leave him.
"Roger, you can live with AIDS for years to come. It might take 15 or more years from now before any signs of your death begin. I have six months if that. I have lived my life to keep you alive and I want you to keep living." Mark said. "I gave my life to you, you can't die." He couldn't look at Roger anymore. He didn't want Roger to give up his own life so Mark could live.
"Six months?" Roger said. He wasn't sure what to make of this news. His best friend was dying and he had six months left with him. Roger pulled Mark closer to him and held on as if Mark was going to pass away any moment.
"Yes." Mark was able to croak out between his tears. Roger was beginning to cry now. He couldn't lose Mark, the only constant in his life. Through everything Mark was always there. When his band broke up, there was Mark. When April committed suicide, Mark was there. When Roger went through withdraw, there was Mark. When Roger would have mood swings due to withdrawal, Mark was there. When Mimi died, there was Mark. Mark was there no matter what happened in Roger's life and now he was dying and only had six months left to live.
The two boys stayed wrapped in each other's arms for a while. Roger knew Mark was dying, but he didn't know of what. Mark was too afraid of how Roger would treat him if Roger found out what he was dying from. Mark relived that faithful moment in his head.
Two days ago Mark work up and just looked at the ceiling. He didn't want to get out of bed, but he knew he had things to do. He had to go and get Roger's AZT, food, and his paycheck. Finally Mark rolled out of bed and got dressed. He quietly made his way over to Roger's room and opened the door slightly. There was Roger sound asleep, for the first time in a while, in his own bed.
Mark closed the door and walked into the so called kitchen. He wrote Roger a note and then grabbed his things and headed out the door. He went to Buzzline first so he could get his paycheck. Afterwards he headed to the pharmacy to pick up Roger's new bottle of AZT pills. He then stopped at the store and picked up some food since they were running low.
After an hour or so, Mark finally returned back to the loft to find Roger up and sitting on the couch. He was playing his guitar when Mark had opened the door. He got up and helped Mark put the food away.
"Oh, by the way, the doctor's office called and said that you needed to go in ASAP for something important. They called about ten minutes ago." Roger said without looking at Mark since he was pulling things away.
"Did they say what about?" Mark asked hoping that they hadn't.
"Nope, just that you needed to come in as soon as you could" Roger said. He then turned to look at Mark, "I didn't even know you went."
"It's nothing big, I just had a headache for a few days and figured I'd get it checked out." Mark replied to Roger. He didn't want Roger to know the real reason he went to the doctors.
Mark and Roger finished putting the rest of the food away before Mark headed out the door, yet again, and to the doctor's. When he arrived he was instantly put into a room and moments later the doctor came in.
"Mr. Cohen, when you had come in here last week you complained about being lethargic, and worn out as soon as you woke up. We took those as signs to check for certain illnesses. All the signs you pointed out and the diagnosis was true to one illness that was nearing the end of its existence." The doctor said. Mark wasn't sure what to make of this, but went with it. The doctor handed him a paper with the results on it. "I'll be back if you have any questions." The doctor said before walking out of the room leaving Mark with the paper.
Mark looked at the folded piece of paper that held his fate. Slowly he opened it and read the words that would stay etched in his mind until he died. The top line was all the normal things such as his name, age, weight, height, address, and other personal information. A few lines down where the words that confirmed Mark's fate. Diagnosis: Leukemia (Last Stage). Mark stared at the paper in hopes that it would suddenly jump at him and yell 'just kidding', but Mark's fate was now sealed by the paper in his hands. He was going to die and it would be before Roger.
The doctor came back in as Mark was still staring at the paper. "Mr. Cohen, there are a few choices you have before you. You can either start a treatment now in hopes that it will slow the process a little, or you can just wait out the remainder of the illness with no treatment." He said. Mark looked up at the doctor before replying.
"We don't have the money for any treatments." Mark said.
"There are ways to get around that for now, but it's up to you, seeing as it is your life that is affected." He said.
"How long do I have?" Mark asked.
"You'll be lucky if you make it past six months."
That was it. The fateful words hung in Mark's ears. Mark had six months left of his already pathetic life. The only thing that made his life worth anything, he thought, was Roger. Roger needed Mark and Mark needed Roger, but this was one thing that Roger could never find out. "What happens when my time comes?" Mark asked. The doctor sighed before explaining it to him.
"The leukemia will take over your body and leave you extremely weak. You won't be able to do much on your own when it gets closer to the end. Without medical assistance your body will shut down everything but your cardiac and respiratory systems. Slowly those will stop and you'll leave this world in a coma type state. With medical assistance you'll stay conscious until your heart gives into the leukemia and you pass away."
Mark just stared at the doctor. He would basically bedead before he died. He was scared when April had killed herself, and when Angel and Mimi had died, and he was dreading the moment that Roger passed away, but now he had his own death to worry about. He couldn't deal with everyone else's, so how was he going to deal with his own? Mark took a deep breath before thanking the doctor and walking out of the building.
Mark took the long way home so he could think of how to deal with this news of his death and even more importantly how to tell Roger and when to tell him. He wasn't so worried if everyone else found out, but he was terrified that Roger would leave when he found out that Mark was dying. When he reached the loft he composed himself as if nothing was wrong and then walked in. Lucky for him Roger was gone and it gave him more time to think and try to work things out in his head. Only thing was he wasn't sure how to work things out in his head.
Mark realized that he was now more alone than before. Yes he was wrapped in Roger's arms and as loved as one could be, but the things and feelings he was dealing with was something that no one else could relate to. Roger was now his constant and he needed Roger more than anything these next and last few months of his life.
When Mark woke later that day he was still on the couch and Roger was sitting on the floor in front of Mark's head. Roger was playing guitar quietly so to not wake Mark, but yet loud enough so Mark was able to hear that Roger was near by. Mark reached forward and ran his hand through Roger's long brownish blonde hair. Roger put his guitar down and turned around to look at Mark.
"How are you feeling?" Roger asked as he placed his arms on the couch and laid his head in his arms. He allowed Mark to play with his hair, which Roger never allowed when he was totally aware of his surrounds.
"A little better, I mean now that you know I don't have to hide a big thing from you anymore." Mark said. Roger smiled at Mark before he suddenly became serious and grabbed Mark's hand that was running through his hair.
"Mark, what can I do to make these last few months of yours great? I mean I know I can't make you a world famous filmmaker, but there has to be something I can do for you." Roger said. Mark was shocked. He had never thought about what he wanted to do in his few months left of being here on earth. He was too afraid of Roger leaving that he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. He couldn't think of anything that he wanted from Roger. Well, there was one thing he did want, but Roger couldn't make that happen and Mark knew that, but he still hoped it might happen.
"I don't know. I never thought about it. I was to afraid of you finding out and leaving that I was spending all my time trying to think of ways to hide it until my last few weeks. I was to afraid to lose you as my best friend to really think about what I wanted to do in the time I had left." Mark said. Roger was the one taken aback by this comment this time. Mark was afraid of him leaving that he didn't think of what he wanted to do. Mark was now limited to life and he was afraid of what Roger thought.
"Mark, I'm not going to leave. I am staying right here with you until your last breath. So just do me a favor and think of something. You always wanted to make my life, however long I had left, great, but now you are the one running out of time and I want to do that for you. Please, think of something." Roger said. Mark smiled before answering him.
"I'll think about it Rog and I'll tell you the moment I know." Mark replied.
Roger smiled and let go of Mark's hand, which he had been holding onto this whole time. Roger laid his head back on his arms and let Mark play with his hair. It always amused him how much Mark liked his hair no matter how it looked. Some days it was flat and other it was sticking up on end and then there were his good hair days, but no matter what Mark still loved Roger's hair. Roger would have to say the same. Mark's hair was always up in the front and Mark never did anything to it but comb it. The only time Mark's hair was ever down was when it was wet right after his shower or he had been caught in the rain.
Mark closed his eyes as he played with Roger's hair. It was amazing to him how he cared more about what Roger thought and how he would act then what he wanted from his last few months of life. He thought about what he wanted and the same thought came to him. He really just wanted to be loved by someone who loved him back. Yeah he had been with Maureen but she never really loved him as he wanted to be loved. She cared for him and still did, but that wasn't what Mark wanted. He wanted someone that would be with him and that he would end up marrying, but he couldn't marry and have a family as he wanted in the time he had left. He knew telling Roger that would be something that Roger couldn't do. Roger wasn't gay and even though Roger was good when it came to dealing with girls he wouldn't be able to find someone for Mark. Mark sighed as he tried to think of something that Roger could do, but his mind kept coming back to the same thing. Mark figured there was nothing else to do but tell Roger what he had thought of.
(Author's Note: I do not know how leukemia actually affects the body when it's the person's time to go. I wrote that to go with the plot of the story and lead into other things that will be happening later on. Someone is probably going to yell at me for not looking up the real symptoms and such for leukemia, but remember that this is my story, it's a fanfiction, and I can make up whatever crap I want so that it flows with my story. Thanks for putting up with my story, and it will get better.)
