Disclaimers: Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon own it all.

Reviews: Feedback very welcomed and appreciated

Takes place during 'Our Mrs. Reynolds'. River takes matters into her own hands to decide her fate and the fate of her crewmates.

Trying to work on writers block I watched a few Firefly episodes and came up with this. Hope you like it and hope I become unstuck.

Rated for language and sexual situations

Translations:

feng le: crazy

Run-tse duh fwotzoo!: Merciful Buddha

Dahng rahn: of course

Mei mei: little sister

zhang fu: husband

Gao yang jong duh goo yang!: motherless goat of all motherless goats!

hwoon dahn: bastard

dong ma: understand

go se: shit

Ta ma de: damnit


Mal was the first one up. Still couldn't remember how he had gotten back to his bunk. He had fuzzy thoughts of what had happened the night before. Jayne was more than a little plastered and he thought he remembered him bringing a girl onto the ship. He should reprimand the mercenary but how could he when he had had as much if not more to drink than his big man. He took a deep breath and rose attempting to make it to the shower before he fell down on his ass. Mal laughed at his foolishness. Oh well, he was a man after all and if he couldn't be with Inara the least he could do was get totally shit faced.

After his shower Mal went to the galley to make some coffee and was very happy to smell some already being brewed. "Ah little Kaylee, bless your heart." He smiled at his mechanic as he poured a cup.

"Thought you could use some captain. Was quite a night you had there. Seems we all did. We're the first ones up." Kaylee brightly smiled.

"Oh, guess you weren't drinkin' too much." Mal took a deep pull off his cup.

"Had my fair share, just don't get too drunk is all. A Frye family trait." She chirped.

"Dahng rahn." Mal gave his sweet mechanic a small smile.

Simon entered the galley next, squinting his eyes against the light. "Morning." He went straight for the coffee. "We the first ones up?"

Kaylee nodded. "Yup. Seems everyone had a bit too much wine." She dug into her protein mash, causing both Mal and Simon to avert their eyes.

"Kaylee, have you seen River?" Simon asked.

"Not since last night. But I'm sure she's alright Simon, they was good folks at the celebration. No one would think to harm her."

Simon nodded. "I'm sure you're right. And she was having a good time dancing. I even saw her get Jayne up to dance."

"Me too, it was so cute. She put some flowers on his head and all and he didn't even squawk." Kaylee smiled at the memory.

"River put flowers on Jayne's head?" The Shepard had come up behind Kaylee.

"Yup, real cute." Kaylee answered.

Book bit his lip and went over to make another pot of coffee after emptying the last of it in his cup. "So, where are River and Jayne?"

"We're right here." River smiled as she held onto Jayne's hand.

Jayne shifted uncomfortably. This had all seemed like a good idea in his bunk, but now with the light of day he was starting to rethink the whole thing. He looked down at River's smiling face and shook his head.

Rolling her eyes, River whispered to him. "Don't worry, this is best for all of us. Were connected, remember?"

Jayne smiled. The girl musta put some kinda spell on him he thought, 'cuz all I can do is smile. Connected, yeah, he sure felt it. He cleared his throat. "Umm, all a yas, we kinda got something to tell ya."

"Mei mei, let go of Jayne's hand and come over here." Simon just noticed how River was clinging to the mercenary.

"Oh Simon. Please just wait until we finish." She smiled up at Jayne. "Okay zhang fu, go ahead."

Both Simon and Mal jumped up from their seats, Mal reaching for his gun. Before he could remove it from his holster, River was across the table, knocking Mal to the floor with a light kick to his chest, her foot at his throat. "Please Captain, let my husband tell you what happened before you try to hurt him and I have to hurt you."

All eyes were on River, having never seen her move like that. Jayne couldn't help but admire the way she handled that situation. So, he had himself a fighter as well as a hotter 'n hot wife. Yeah, life could be good. And how did she learn to move like that?

"Continue husband." River smiled up at him. "I'll tell you about my agility later."

"Umm, well okay darlin'." He gave her a small smile as he remembered her agility this morning. Shaking his head, he looked at the rest of the crew, Jayne cleared his throat. "So anyways, seems River and me, well seems we got ourselves hitched last night. The dance, the flowers, the wine." He shrugged. "River is now River Cobb." He went over to the pot of coffee. "You want a cup Riv?"

She nodded. "I am going to let you up now captain, no guns. We can talk but no guns." River looked into his eyes as she released her foot.

"Gao yang jong duh goo yang!" Simon glared at Jayne as he ran his hand over his face and shook his head to clear his thoughts. "Mei mei, we can take care of this. This hwoon dahn took advantage of you. We can get this annulled, if it's even legal, which I'm sure it isn't. River, come here, we'll get this taken care of." He sat back down, his legs unable to hold him up any longer.

Kaylee shook her head at Jayne. "Jayne, how could you do this? She's just a baby." She went over to River, who just smiled.

"Hey now, I was drunk. I didn't even know 'til this mornin'. But she's my wife now and I ain't gonna desert her no matter how much you may think I'm a gorram hwoon dahn." Jayne went to River and handed her a cup of coffee. She took the coffee and led Jayne to the table to sit down.

Mal stood up and slammed his hand down on the table. "I'm still the gorram captain here and this is still my boat and what I say goes." He took a deep breath. "Okay, let's just be reasonable here. So, you think the two of you are married?"

River smiled up at Jayne. "The wreath was place upon his head, he drank the wine and danced the dance…I chose him" She gave a crooked smile that lit up her eyes.

"Wait!" Simon cut her off. "This can't be legal." He turned to the Shepard. "Can it?"

"We're out in the black Simon. Things are done differently. Getting married is a simple enough matter, it has to be." He looked at Jayne and River, the look on their faces. It wasn't the look of a trapped man and a crazy girl. "River, did Jayne take advantage of you?"

She giggled. "I waited until Jayne had too much to drink and then I took him for my husband. The elder took our names," she turned to Simon, "don't worry, I used mother's maiden name, and he registered us. We are legally bound." River moved in closer to Jayne as he absently put his arm around her.

"Take your hands off my sister!" Simon was outraged. "She's just a baby."

"I know she's young, but she ain't no baby and I had more 'n my hands on her all night long. So just get used to it!" Jayne was getting angry. He was doin' the right thing by the girl, he wanted her no doubt, but he coulda just used her and dumped her. But no, he wanted her for his wife and she wanted him.

"Now, now Simon. Just calm down. Your sister is more than of age for this ceremony. On rim planets the age of consent for girls ranges between 14 and 16, your sister is almost 18."

Kaylee had been holding her tongue but couldn't any longer. "What is wrong with all of you? River just said that she chose Jayne and Jayne wants to be with her. And look at how plain River's talkin', did you even notice that Simon? You ain't even had to give her a smoother. We should all just leave, I think this has to do with River, Jayne and the Captain now. If he lets 'em stay on board or not, which I think he should. But if not, I imagine lots a ships would want Jayne and River." She got up and went to River and Jayne and kissed them both. "Congratulations. Once you straighten this up with captain, we should have a party."

"A party? A party? You want to celebrate this atrocity?" Simon was beginning to sputter. "I…I…" He paled and sat down again. "Mei mei, I don't think you really know what this is all about. We should go to the infirmary, I'll check up, make sure you aren't damaged," he threw Jayne a disgusted look, "give you a shot and…"

River slammed her hand down on the table top just as the captain had done. "You will not give me that type of shot. If I have conceived I shall give birth to a strong and healthy child." She took a deep breath and lowered her voice. "Simon, please. I have done what needed to be done." River looked over at her husband and ran her hand over her big brother's, trying to sooth him. "This was not his choice but he has accepted it, accepted me, accepted us. You don't understand, the ramifications…"

"But he can't love you Mei mei, he could barely stand you yesterday. And now you think he loves you? He only is with you because you are convenient to his bed. Come tomorrow or the next day, when he tires of you, what then?" Simon hated to say this to his sister but she needed to hear it.

"Just a gorram minute. The only reason you ain't on the floor is 'cuz you happen to be my brother-in-law, but you can only play that card so long. Maybe I didn't choose this and maybe I don't love her, but she's my wife. And I ain't about to desert her. I was her first and I don't take that lightly, dong ma? My ma didn't raise no sons like that. I know what it all looks like, and I ain't saying havin' her in my bed ain't a great incentive, but I married her and well…" He turned to Book. "Shepard, this here is sacred and I won't just push her aside after usin' her. Hell, she may be carryin' my baby. She's special, not some piece 'a trim I paid for…" He seemed to run out of steam, Jayne knew this wouldn't be easy, he just didn't think it would be so hard. Gorramit, he just didn't think on it long enough.

Book put his hand on Jayne's shoulder. "Well son, seems you have a history to live down." He looked at the captain and Simon. "They are both past age of consent, they entered a legal arrangement. And with what the two of you," he looked at Simon, "what you are running from, well to try and annul this would cause too much attention that you do not need. Hopefully River's name along with your mother's maiden name aren't being searched for in the cortex, even so, it would be hard to trace it back to us." He shifted his attention to the girl. "River? Is this something you really want? Are you sure you haven't gotten yourself into something you weren't ready for?"

She smiled up at the preacher. "Oh Shepard, I've been ready for awhile. I've known Jayne was the proper mate to settle me, to focus me, and when the opportunity presented itself, well I had to grab it. It's cause and effect Shepard." She laid her head on Jayne's shoulder. "He puts together the disjointed parts, he…he fuses them, I need him. He doesn't love me, not yet, but I have full confidence that given the proper amount of time and numerous copulations, Jayne will realize he simply cannot do without me."

Jayne rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well if last night and this morning are any clue of what my life with crazy's gonna be like, I can tell you right now, she ain't goin' nowhere."

"Alright, that's just about enough of that." Mal turned towards Kaylee and the Shepard. "I think little Kaylee here is right. I would like to have a private word or two with the newlyweds here." He looked at Simon. "And that would mean you leavin' too doctor."

"I will not leave. She's my sister, my responsibility. I will not go and have you deciding her fate." Simon huffed, crossed his arms over his chest and sat down.

"Captain, I think the whole crew should be here." She moved a little closer to Jayne. "Please Kaylee, could you ask Zoe, Wash and Inara to come in?"

"Last time I looked little witch this was still my boat and I was the one givin' the orders." Mal arched an eyebrow at the now articulate genius.

"What I have to say is imperative to all on board. I know you will have the final say, but I feel they should be aware as well. Please captain?" River begged.

Mal looked deeply into the young girl's eyes and nodded. "Okay, fine. But only because I say so." He waved Kaylee on. "Go on then Kaylee."


All members of the crew were gathered around the galley table and River had the floor.

"It's been very difficult for me since Simon freed me from the Academy, from the Alliance, as I'm sure all of you know."

"Umm, when did she start speaking in complete sentences?" Wash whispered to his wife.

"I think we are here to find that out husband. Now shhh." Zoe hushed her mate.

River stood and walked over to the counter. Turning back towards the group, she continued. "When the procedures started, I was still lucid. They hadn't cut too deeply, hadn't pushed at my brain, at my psyche, too hard. But once they began, they found they could push me farther than any of the other students. Maybe because of my genius, maybe because I could read." She shrugged, "I just don't know. At that time the pain, the physical and psychic pain was too much for me to read anyone." River looked at her brother and laid a hand on his shoulder. "When you finally came Simon, I was so grateful, really. But the things they did to me, the things they made me do…" She faltered.

Jayne saw her color change, she visibly paled. "You don't have to go on baby girl. You can do this later."

"No, no this has to be said. And now because of you, I can finally say it." She gave Jayne a small smile.

"Jayne is the reason River is lucid? And he's calling her baby girl? What kind of party did we go to last night?" Wash was amazed.

"Not now husband." Zoe warned.

"I was altered, to be the best." River continued as if not hearing anyone.

"You were already the best River." Simon spoke softly, frightened by what he was about to hear.

"Sweet Simon. I was the best at the everyday. But because of that, not just my mind, but my physicality, my coordination, my grace, I was the perfect candidate."

Mal sighed. "Perfect candidate for what?"

She turned to the captain and shrugged. "To be the perfect assassin."