Disclaimer: I am in no way anyone who owns Harry Potter and surrounding and supporting characters and universe. In fact, my sister stole my set of books, so I don't even have that.
AN: Canon until book 5, then, well, my imagination is a little wild at times...
And, with no further ado,
Introspection: Harry Potter
I always thought that I knew Harry Potter. Then again, I would bet that most people think that. But, the thing is, I really thought that.
I thought I knew him, I thought I understood what went on behind those green orbs.
I was wrong.
Not only was I wrong, but I was arrogant beyond belief. To think that I knew how he felt, how he thought?
I was an idiot.
On the outside, Harry is rather disappointing. One would expect, what with his being the Wizarding Hero and everything, that he would be handsome, tall, and strong. Truthfully?
Truthfully, Harry had always been short. Really short. He also had this way of looking somewhat scrawny, like he didn't get enough to eat.
It was his hair, I think, and his eyes, that fooled people into thinking that he was handsome. Harry always had that mop of hair that just begged for someone to tame it. And those eyes. Well. It's easy to see why Lily Evans was considered the most beautiful Head Girl in decades.
For years, everyone thought we were dating. It grew frustrating, after a while, telling people that we were just friends. Really. I mean, Harry was unmotivated, wouldn't stand up for himself, and – well – shorter than me. Why would I go out with a boy who acted like a shy little brother?
After Sirius died, all of the shaky attempts at friendship between Harry and just about everyone just fell through like a toothpick bridge across the Thames in a hurricane.
I was rather startled to realize just how few friends Harry had. It was then, I think, that I began to wonder about Harry. Why wasn't he answering our letters? Why were the few letters he wrote so stilted?
And then I looked at his old letters, and I realized how stilted they were as well. It was almost as if Harry had never written a letter before. After third year, his letters became a bit smoother, but – why didn't Harry know how to write a letter?
Over that summer, Ron and I commiserated over the lack of response from Harry, and how the Order still wasn't telling us anything.
I was so busy complaining over Harry's reticence, that I didn't realize that I had only sent two letters the whole summer.
When Harry was finally brought to Grimmauld Place, I was stunned. Maybe it was because it was the first time I had seen him in robes that weren't school robes since fourth year. I don't know. But I looked at Harry, in Sirius' old dress robes, and I realized – he was tiny. Harry was shorter than Ginny, and his hair threatened to overwhelm his face.
He never lifted his eyes, not the entire rest of the summer. He didn't say a word, either. Not one, not even at Sirius' will reading.
It was like a bucket of cold water in the face, when he spoke up on the train, as if he had not just spent the last two weeks with Ron and me.
"Good summer?"
I was furious, furious that he would ignore us like that and then act as if he had done nothing wrong.
Ron reacted by yelling.
I gave him the silent treatment.
The door to the compartment opened once, twice – Luna and Neville. Luna seated herself beside Harry, and took his tiny hand, her strange blue-silver eyes soft and distant.
Malfoy stopped by, as usual, but Harry didn't react. Nothing. As if Malfoy wasn't maligning Harry's mother, father, grandparents, and their possible habits.
But then Malfoy mentioned Sirius' death, in that sneering way of his – something about dirty mutts, and how they should be put down before they track mud everywhere, and how it was only too good that a certain disgusting dog was gone.
Harry lifted his head, and his eyes flared. I swear, to this day, that the compartment could have been lit with the light from those glowing green orbs.
Malfoy flew out of the compartment, with the words "I will not malign my betters" written on his forehead. He was also wearing a tutu.
Harry said nothing and did nothing for the rest of the ride.
Two days into the school year, Harry was just as distant as before. It didn't make sense, why was he ignoring us? I had even given up on the silent treatment, but he continued to act as if he couldn't see anyone but himself.
Our Defense Teacher was a very capable Auror, that year. So, when Luna passed the word that any who wished could rejoin the DA, I turned her down. After all, the point of the DA was to teach when we had no teacher, right?
Ron was the Quidditch Captain that year, and I can still remember the first game that Gryffindor won, that year. He can soaring down, gave me a triumphant grin, and kissed me.
That evening, on prefects' rounds, we kissed some more. I was so thrilled that someone had finally noticed that I was a girl.
I never noticed Harry vanish from the party, and I never noticed Harry drifting away.
In hindsight, I realize that Harry, who had so much attention, wanted none. I realize that Harry wanted emotion, not fame. And, perhaps – perhaps that is where everyone failed him.
I didn't notice anything wrong until I realized that I was second in every class but Potions and Herbology – in Herbology, I was third, and in Potions, I was fourth.
Somehow, Harry had climbed to the top of every class, even Potions, the class taught by a man who despised Harry. Oh, except Herbology. In Herbology, Harry was second to Neville Longbottom.
I was doing my prefects' rounds with Ron, one night in October, when we heard noises in the library. Startled, we entered and looked around. What I saw was something that I never expected to see.
Invisibility Cloak pooled on the floor, Harry was intertwined with Luna Lovegood, pressing her up against a bookcase. He stood on tiptoe, Luna was taller than he, and his face looked to be magnetically attached to Luna's face. I could feel my entire body flush, watching them kiss. There was something so much more intimate about the way they were kissing, than what Ron and I did.
When Luna made a quiet moaning noise and tossed Harry's tie on the floor, I whirled around and dragged Ron out of the library. Even as perfect-prefect as I could be, there was no way I was going to try and interrupt them.
It felt weird, scolding Harry about having not finished his essays, when that image kept popping into my head. What had they done after Ron and I had left? What if they had…? No. I wouldn't think about Harry doing – that.
When Harry lost his temper and left the common room one afternoon, I was confused. I had always fussed after his homework, hadn't I?
Neville had looked up from Ginny's neck, (where he was making an intimate map of her freckles,) and said, in that bland and yet disapproving voice –
"You're losing him."
I didn't understand.
Halloween was a Hogsmeade Weekend, and my first ever date. (Aside from the Yule Ball, which doesn't really count.)
Hogsmeade was attacked. I tried my best to protect the younger students, but I was shocked to see how many of them were fighting back. And some of them… some of them had Portkeys. They seemed to be popping in and out of the battle, grabbing the injured and hightailing out of there.
A close look at one of the Portkeys revealed them to be small gold medallions, carve with two simple Runes – Sowilo on one side, Elhaz on the other. Victory and protection.
Just as suddenly as it began, the battle was over. I looked around, suddenly weary, just as Aurors and teachers began to Apparate in.
On his knees, tears streaming down his face, was Harry. He had lost his glasses at some point, and his face was peppered with tiny bleeding cuts. A gash on his cheek spilled blood like a river, and his tears mixed with the red to smear his face.
He knelt before a small body, and I was shocked to see that it was a little girl of indeterminate age. An innocent had died.
Stumbling from somewhere else in the village, Luna wiped some blood off of her face, accidentally getting into her hair. Gently, she rested one hand on his shoulder, and murmured something I couldn't hear.
At that moment, another piece of the puzzle fell into place. He takes responsibility for every injury, every death, I realized. How many visions, how many moments of agony has he decided are his fault?
After that day, I stopped pestering Harry about his homework. I tried to get him to talk about the visions he had, about the guilt he felt.
He wouldn't open up. It was so frustrating, because we were best friends, and best friends did this type of thing for each other, didn't they?
Harry stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas, despite an invitation from the Weasleys.
I walked into the middle of a fight about halfway past Easter. Malfoy and his cronies had decided to attack a little Hufflepuff first year.
I was about to defend her, when the little girl suddenly lifted her chin and disarmed Malfoy. She then began dueling with one of the older Slytherins – a Montague, I think – while carefully avoiding attacks from Crabbe, Goyle, or Parkinson.
Within moments, five Ravenclaw third years and two Slytherin second years burst out of nowhere, and joined the fray. Before I could open my mouth to interfere and take points, Malfoy and company were stunned, Petrified, bound, and hung upside-down from the railing of one of the staircases. I blinked, and the ragtag group of Slytherins and Ravenclaws dispersed, leaving only two behind as guards for the Hufflepuff girl as she made her way back to the Hufflepuff common room.
It was afterward, while examining the memory, that I realized something. They all wore the same necklaces around their necks – a gold medallion with Sowio on one side and Elhaz on the other.
The school year ended. Despite all of our attempts, Harry refused to speak to either myself or Ron.
He returned to Grimmauld Place in August skinnier than ever. He showed no emotion, except on the second-to-last day of the summer, when Dumbledore came to visit. While there, Dumbledore informed us gravely that Remus Lupin had been ill for the past year, and, rather than simply die, Remus had found a group of Death Eaters and blown himself up. He'd left everything to Harry.
That was the first time since Halloween that I had really seen Harry emotional. His eyes blazed, and tears streamed down his face. Light seemed to flare around him for a moment, and the air warped, somehow. And then, Harry just said four words.
"He's with Sirius, now."
And then, Harry fled the room, and did not return to the lower levels of Grimmauld Place for the rest of vacation.
Luna wasn't on the train to Hogwarts. Harry spent the entire ride pacing the corridors. Nobody, not even Malfoy, dared to talk to him.
We had barely seated ourselves in the Great Hall for the Sorting when Pandemonium with a Capital P erupted.
Death Eaters.
The entire Hall exploded into chaos. Teachers and students and Death Eaters were all fighting, spells flying everywhere, I saw Harry dueling with Bellatrix Lestrange and Luna fighting (when had she gotten there?) Rodulphus and Rabastan at the same time.
Then, a voice that sent chills up and down my spine, that made me want to cower and cry, spoke.
"Harry Potter."
Voldemort had entered Hogwarts.
There were no words to describe the duel. Spells that I had never heard of were flying back and forth, Harry had a sword in his hand (when had he gotten that?) and blood was everywhere, and the floor was cracked and burning, and –
Harry's wand was hit with a Reducto, while his left hand was hit with a well-thrown Diffindo. Harry was wandless and swordless.
Voldemort had Harry at his mercy, and I was terrified, but I had to focus, fighting Malfoy and attempting to protect the new first years – I was Head Girl, after all.
Harry was not completely defeated, someone shouted, and Harry was fighting Voldemort wandlessly.
Luna killed Lucius Malfoy and the Lestrange brothers, Neville killed Bellatrix, and Ginny blew up someone who looked suspiciously like Umbridge. I saw a second year wearing a gold medallion systematically take down Draco Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, three Montagues, Crabbe, and Goyle.
An explosion of blue light stopped all of the fighting, and suddenly, all eyes were focused on the main duel – Harry and Voldemort.
Harry hissed something – Parseltongue, I thought – and then, green light enveloped both fighters, and Voldemort screamed. Streams of purple light flowed in every direction, and the green light turned silver.
Silence.
Voldemort fell, as if in slow motion.
The Death Eaters that were still alive collapsed.
Harry dropped to his knees, and smiled, his eyes blank and unseeing.
"HARRY!"
Sprinting through the carnage, bleeding from a split lip and with a nasty black eye, Luna made a beeline for Harry, sprawling herself beside him. Tears streaking down her face and spotting Harry's bloody robes, Luna, combed her fingers through Harry's hair.
Harry blinked twice, and murmured something to her. He clasped her hand, and then fell still. Luna's eyes filled with tears, and she tilted her head toward the ceiling in a silent scream. The expression on her face was pure agony, something that every person there will never forget.
She never smiled in public again.
At Harry's funeral, I saw a ring on her finger. She wore a plain black dress, and a gold necklace with a medallion. In her arms, she held a tiny baby swathed in black.
I never realized, until it was too late, that Harry had needed someone like Luna. Someone who could quietly support him, someone who could bring shadows into darkness, as opposed to blinding light. Someone to bring silence into a cacophony of agonized screams.
When a tiny girl with blonde hair and green eyes came to Hogwarts eleven years to the day later, I swore that I would do better. For Lily Selene Potter, I would do what I had not done for her father.
AN: I thought that this one would be easier to write! Now Hermione has to run away with the script? Oh, Merlin help me!
AN2: For those of you artists out there, I giving a plea to you talented people - please, either the Harry-Luna kiss scene, or Luna when Harry has just died. Or Luna at the funeral. This is merely a request, because I have seen so many talented, brilliant people, and I would loved a said piece of art. If you have made one, please email it to me. I will put a link on my profile!
REVIEWS PLEASE!
