Draco kicked open the doors to the Slytherin Common Room. "Curse that Harry Potter, and that Ron Weasley, and their assorted friends! I shall show them what happens when you mess with the Death Eaters!" Draco looked about the room, "Crabbe! Goyle!" His lackeys did not appear, so he went with less constant hangers-on. "Pansy! Blaise Zabini!" They too, did not appear. However, the Bloody Baron did float in. "Gah, finally, there you are Crabbe. Where's Goyle?" He paused, realizing something was amiss. "You look good, Crabbe. Did you lose weight?"
"I'm the Bloody Baron," said the ghost, making this, if I'm remembering correctly, the first time he has ever spoken.
"Where is everyone?" Draco asked.
"Uh," the ghost began, "It's Chapter Two. The beginning of Chapter Two, to be honest, in a story where each chapter more or less translates to a year of school except with all the boring stuff cut out. This means that it's currently Summer, so everyone else is in their homes." Draco stared at him, confused. "Yes, I know, it may seem odd that I am able to address the meta nature of the story, but as a ghost, much like how I have one foot in the modern day and another in the afterlife, I too am straddling the fourth wall."
"So, Harry Potter is currently at home, safe and far away, and I get entirely left out of Chapter One!" Draco fumed.
"Looks that way."
Draco contorted his face, and shouted out "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-"
…
HARRY POTTER AND THE TIME TRAVEL RELATED PUN CHAPTER TWO: SMOKIN' IN THE BOY'S ROOM
…
Harry Potter snapped awake. He could tell that somewhere in the countryside, someone had just started to swear. He hadn't been sleeping very well lately; he kept thinking about the future and what it had in store. His normal method to avoid such manners, by thinking about tigers, was not working as well as it had been. He knew that soon, Dobby would start intercepting his mail, to keep him from coming back to Hogwarts.
Still, it was morning now, so Harry forced himself out of bed. He changed clothes and decided to head outside for a bit, because how else is this plot going to progress? I mean, sure, he could stay in his room and read newspapers until the plot just happened around him, but didn't we all get sick of that in Book 4? I kid, though, Book 4 was all right. Order of the Phoenix, though? Don't get me started.
My (possibly?) controversial opinions of the series aside, though, Harry happened upon Dobby hiding out front. "Dobby, what are you doing?" He asked, even though he knew.
"How did Harry Potter Sir know my name?"
"How did YOU know MY name?" One of these days, this gambit was going to work.
"Harry Potter, Sir, you must not go back to Hogwarts! If you do, terrible danger will befall you!"
"Last year I exploded Quirrel-Voldemort, I think I'll be fine," Harry said.
"Oh did you now?" came a voice unlike any Harry had heard before. Only I was lying just then, it was actually Quirrel's. He was wrapped in a cloak behind Harry.
"But, you're supposed to be dead?" Harry gasped, backing away from the form behind him.
"Perhaps, but that matters not now," said Quirrel, who removed the cloak revealing his cyborg body. There was a metal plate where Voldemort had previously occupied, and various robotic parts added to where his chest had been damaged by the explosion. He had a robot arm, but unlike Neville's, this was clearly designed to be used as a killing tool. "I can get my revenge, and The Boy Who Lived will become The Boy Who Got Killed By Mecha-Quirrel!"
"See, Dobby? I run into extreme danger like this all the time. School is actually a break from crap like this," he shrugged.
Unfortunately, the loud robot had attracted undue attention from Uncle Vernon, who burst from his house, his face turning purple from anger, as opposed to being from difficulty breathing. "What the hell is going on out here, boy?"
"Bah, Muggles," said Mecha-Quirrel, as he pointed his robot arm at Uncle Vernon, "I should kill the rest of your family, that should undue any blood magic protecting you, shouldn't it?"
"Reducto!" cried Harry, firing a spell at the cyborg, who generated a shield to absorb it.
"Ha! I've adapted to your offensive capabilities, Potter!"
"Crap. Dobby, take Uncle Vernon and get him and the Dursleys somewhere safe. If he asks, you're just a midget, not a house-elf, got it?"
"Yes sir," he said, running to the house.
"Good, no distractions," said Mecha-Quirrel as he began to charge his gun-arm. He raised it to fire at Harry, when in a flash of silver, his arm was destroyed. "What?"
"If you've come to kill Harry Potter," said the mysterious stranger, who sheathed his sword, "You have to go through me first."
"IS THAT SIRIUS!" Harry shouted.
"No," said the Dumbledore painting, who was there the whole time, strapped to Harry's back.
"There will be time for talk later," said the mysterious stranger, who SO DAMN MYSTERIOUS I'm not going to describe him yet. That way, when I reveal later that he actually was Sirius, you'll be surprised and also the Dumbledore painting will look like an asshole. He swung his sword a second time, and Mecha-Quirrel exploded.
"Gah! Not again!" cried Mecha-Quirrel as he exploded.
"Thanks, but who are you?" asked Harry.
"I'm another time traveler," said the young man, who had purple hair, "My name is Teddy Tonks." Why yes, I did all of this just to build up to calling him Future Tonks, why do you ask?
"Wait, you mean Teddy Lupin?"
"I suppose- my father was killed long before I was born. Not too long, I mean, he obviously had time to impregnate my mother before dying. So, it was probably about eight months before I was born that he was killed. And it was before they were married, so here I am, Teddy Tonks."
"So you're from the future? So, do I fix everything?" Harry said hopefully.
"No, because of a slight oversight this year everything turns out worse."
"Damn! I hate when that happens!" Harry kicked a can.
"You originally went through this year as efficiently as possible- you defeated the basilisk before it could strike again, destroyed the diary and the Ravenclaw diadem, as well as fought the Sorting Hat to a standstill after it turned against you. However, in all this time, you forgot to out Lockhart as a fraud, so he continued to teach everyone poorly as the years went by. While you yourself, with your future knowledge, were not harmed by this, the rest of the students suffered from improper teaching so that two years later, Voldemort returned in full force. After killing you, he attacked Hogwarts, killing many, and starting his reign of terror anew."
"Wait, after everything I do, he still comes back in two years? And kills me?"
"Yeah, he was playing hardball, we imagine. So I was raised in a harsh time by my mother, alone, trying to survive under Voldemort's rule. I knew my only chance was to go back in time to after you've already gone back in time to make sure things work out ok."
"Well, in that case, I look forward to you joining my ever-growing entourage."
"Haha, no," said Teddy, "I have my own plan. No offense, Harry, but from my future I learned to take care of myself." He Disapparated away, leaving Harry alone in the streets.
"I can't believe it," he muttered, "Voldemort was going to kill me in this timeline?"
"See, man, I told you about time travel, man, I TOLD you," said the Dumbledore painting.
"You said it sounded pretty rad and that I should go for it, what are you talking about?" Harry asked.
"Oh, right. Maybe that was someone else who asked me about it. Probably Justin Finch-Fletchey or whatever that kid's name was. Wait, did he die in Book 7? I feel like the only reason I remember his name is because he died."
"Dumbledore, sir, we need to plan ahead."
"Yeah, yeah, so, this was the year with the blood-goblin, right?"
Harry calmly took the painting off his back and stared it right in the eyes. "What the hell are you talking about, sir? This was the year with the basilisk, and it nearly killed Ginny."
"Well, jeez, Harry, more stuff happens each year than just what you experience. This year a blood-goblin, a Dark creature from regions beyond, attacked the castle to gather members for a post-punk band he was going to call the Lickety Switches. He kidnapped a couple of Ravenclaw girls, and I think they were going to have some kind of lesbian gimmick like t.A.T.u. Heh, you remember that band?"
"No."
"Yeah, neither do I. Anyways, Snape assembled a taskforce to find the creature, composed of those teachers you never took like Professor Sinistra. Then that whole Basilisk thing happened, so we sort of lost track of him. Last I heard, the Lickety Switches were still performing together. So, I mean, you could rescue them, theoretically, seeing as you clearly don't care about the timeline anymore."
"Look, I'm TRYING to not mess things up any worse, but that doesn't affect anything," he paused, as the realization dawned on him, "Wait, I won't be able to summon the Gryffindor sword, because I'm in Hufflepuff now, right?"
"…Huh. I did not consider that. Uh…don't worry about it?" Dumbledore shrugged. This was not the answer Harry wanted, but it was all he got as Dumbledore pretended to go to sleep.
…
Summer was over soon, and as furious as Vernon was about being forced to interact with Dobby, Harry avoided a grounding by reminding the Dursleys that as the side-characters they were, they could be very easily be swept under the rug in any future chapters. They took this as a promise, and as such, were no longer in this current chapter at all. Harry rode the train, feeling excited again, as he had not experienced this particular train ride before. Sure beats a flying car, he thought. He and his full group of friends had a compartment to themselves. Ginny snuck in behind Ron, and sat at the rear of the compartment. "Who's she?" Harry asked slyly.
"Oh, that's my sister Ginny."
"Like Virginia?" Hannah asked.
"Ginevera," Ron corrected.
"You other Weasleys are so damn weird," Hannah muttered under her breath.
"She's nervous- Fred and George, two of my brothers, told her about the Sorting. Probably the same pack of lies they fed me last year, about how the Hat will burn you if you disagree with it or whatever."
"Pfft, that's dumb," Harry said, "The Hat's kind of a dick, anyway." He had long since grown immunized to the strange looks everyone gave him. "I bet you go into Gryffindor, like your brothers," he said to Ginny. Though, if she went into Hufflepuff, he thought, I could more easily keep an eye on her.
"Oh, did you guys hear?" Neville said, interrupting Harry's train of thought, "The new Defense teacher quit already!"
"That has to be a record," Trevor rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, I mean, it was supposed to be Gilderoy Lockhart, but he quit just the other day!"
"Who's going to be our new teacher then?" Hermione looked worried. "We won't have the right books for the curriculum!"
"Think it has to anything to do with Two-Face from last year?" Ron shot Harry an understanding glance.
"Harvey Dent?" asked Trevor.
"No, Quirrel. Remember? Had two faces and everything?" Hannah asked.
Trevor squinted, as if the answer lay at the end of the compartment. "Kind of…" he muttered.
"Seriously! I mean, really, you only vaguely remember that?" Hannah sighed, "You're an idiot."
"Wait, wait, are you guys talking about the dog? Because he had three heads," everyone ignored him.
…
At the Sorting, Harry, Trevor, and Hannah were watching as the line of first-years began to dwindle. Ginny went up, and Harry could hear the preemptive cheering of Ron and his brothers. But as she sat down, and the Hat was placed upon her head, something seemed off. The Hat glared at Harry. "Slytherin" it said, quietly at first, followed by a louder echo "SLYTHERIN!"
The cheering at Gryffindor table stopped, dumbfounded. Ginny looked shocked herself, mouthing "Slytherin?" as she walked to the table. The Slytherins did their traditional acceptance of new members, by chanting "Gooble gobble gooble gobble, we accept her, one of us, one of us".
"Welp, that's weird," Hannah shrugged.
"Very weird," Harry said darkly, still refusing to break eye contact with the Sorting Hat. How could it be? He thought. How could Ginny be evil? Was this the Hat trying to get back at him? Or maybe…
"-KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!" Draco gasped as he finally finished shouting. His face was red, but he calmly began talking with Ginny. "So, a Weasley is a Slyhterin. I guess one of you would have to turn out right after seven tries."
"Oh, that bastard!" Harry said, "I knew I shouldn't have ignored him now! He's going to steal my future wife!"
"For God's sake, Harry, she's 11!" Trevor said, disgusted.
"Yeah, but I'm 12," he reminded.
"Oh, right. Carry on."
"May I have your attention please," said Dumbledore, the man, not the painting, "I planned on introducing Gilderoy Lockhart as your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, but he quit," he motioned for the man at the end of the table to stand up. "Luckily, I found a suitable replacement in this man, Professor Tedward Tonks!" Teddy Tonks nodded.
"I look forward to teaching you all the various skills that will serve you well in your life. I for one think that I can break the curse of the Defense Against the Dark Arts class," he said, while the other teachers chuckled. Every new teacher said that, and they all ended up dead, terrified, or Voldemort. Still, good on him, they thought, good on him.
After that, Dumbledore said, "All right, now for a few final words- butterscotch soup!" All the kids in Harry's year and below laughed, because LOL SO RANDOM! Harry didn't laugh, though, as his thirty-whatever soul betrayed him. He caught Dumbledore's eyes, and they were not twinkling.
…
After dinner, Harry and his friends were walking back to their respective dorms, but lagging behind purposely. "I can't believe it," Ron said, "My own sister's a Slytherin."
"That doesn't necessarily mean she's evil," Hermione said, "There are plenty of good Slytherins!"
"Name one," Ron rolled his eyes.
"…Uh, well, jeez, when you put me on the spot, I'm totally blanking," Hermione said.
"It's weird," Harry said mysteriously, "You know, a House Elf came to my house over the summer. He said that there was going to be a great danger at the school this year."
"A great danger? From Ginny being in Slytherin? I mean, granted, Fred and George are going to be giving her hell over this the rest of her life, but I don't know about danger," Ron shrugged.
"I don't know if it's connected," Harry lied, "but it's just something odd I thought of."
"Well, I'm sure Hogwarts, who last year had hired the Dark Lord himself, will do everything in its power to keep us safe," said Neville.
"Eh, no point in worrying about it now," said Trevor, "Come on, we've got that new teacher tomorrow." They were about to say goodbye to each other and leave, but they were interrupted by a slow clap.
"Well, well, well," said Draco, who along with Crabbe and Goyle, were slow clapping, "Look what we have here."
"I'm sorry, who are you?" asked Hannah.
"Still thy tongue," Draco hissed, as apparently he helped his dad work at the Renaissance Fair, "You are speaking to Draco Malfoy, of the illustrious Malfoy family."
"We have some classes with him," Ron growled.
"He's…quite rude," Hermione said stiffly.
"He's a little wiener," spat Neville.
Draco whipped out his wand, "Say that again, Longbottom, and I'll-"
"Oh, there you are!" said Ginny, as she and Pansy Parkinson showed up behind the other Slytherins. "This is my brother, Ron, and these are his friends."
Draco grimaced, and sheathed his wand. Sheathed? Is that the right term? I mean, if anything a wand is more like a gun, so should it be holstered? Oh well, he put away his wand. "Very well then," he said, forcing a smile that still looked like a scowl, "I'm…happy to meet you all." With a flick of his hand, his comrades dispersed, heading to the Slytherin dorms, but he stuck around for just a tad longer, "You're all very lucky I have bigger fish to fry right now than to mess you all up," he said as he turned and left.
"Yeah, he does seem like a little wiener," said Hannah.
Harry had been silently watching him. Why did Draco seem so much more like a JRPG villain now? Was it Sirius? Wait, no, not that thing, it's never Sirius. What did he mean by bigger fish to fry? Surely, not literal fish in the Slytherin common room?
That night, while the others slept, Harry took out the Dumbledore painting. "I know what you want to ask already," the portrait sighed, "Yes, the Slytherins do typically start each year with a fish-fry, and none of the other Houses are invited."
"That's not exactly what I wanted to know, but, what?"
"Apparently, back when the four founders were still alive, they asked Slappy Slytherin to concede, and invite their students to the fish-fry. Slappy responded that the mingling of students from other Houses was almost as bad as, quote, "rargh mudbloods, grr grrrgh!" unquote. Henrietta Hufflepuff decided she wasn't going to take that shit, so she punched him in the throat and made him invite the others. That was the argument that caused him to infest Hogwarts with a gigantic snake and to build the Chamber of Secrets."
"That is very strange," said Harry, "but what I wanted to know was why Ginny was Sorted into Slytherin. Was it simply the Hat remembering I am its foe, and somehow sensing Ginny and my future together, so it did this to spite me?"
"Probably," the old man shrugged. "You may want to ask that other time-traveler; perhaps this is the way things played out in his future."
"I'm beginning to think I shouldn't have bothered with this at all," Harry sighed. "No matter what I do, everything turns out the same…well, a rough equivalent of the same, since Neville never had a robot arm."
"The very act of going through time must have altered the timestream irreparably. Have you heard of the Butterfly Effect?" The painting asked.
This being a muggle science term, Harry was utterly lost. "Is that when a caterpillar transfigurates itself into a butterfly?"
"No, it was an American movie, starring Ashton Kutcher. Anyways, it was pretty good. Not terrible, not great, but I was enjoying myself the whole time, that has to count for something. Anyway, the main character goes back in time, and messes up his life in trying to fix it. At the end he forces himself to fix everything by like, undoing it all. And then there's an alternate ending where he kills himself as a baby to prevent his life from happening."
"Thanks for the spoilers," Harry said.
"You said you hadn't heard of it, though."
"Well, yeah, but when you mentioned it and how it was relevant, I was going to rent it. Now there's no point."
"If it's any consolation, the movie's not out yet anyway. Look, just think about tigers and go to sleep, there will still be future movies to discuss in the morning."
"Harry?" asked Trevor, who Harry was sure had been asleep.
"Oh crap!" Harry tossed the painting under his pillow.
"Were you talking to a painting?" he asked.
"No, I was," thinking quickly…did nothing for him, "talking to a portrait."
Trevor yawned, "That's cool," he fell asleep.
"That was close," said Harry. "No one must know I'm from the future."
"Well, then maybe you should stop saying that," said the Dumbledore painting. "I mean, seriously."
…
The next day they went into DADA, not really knowing what to expect. Harry wondered, briefly, if Teddy was going to teach them to swordfight with cyborgs. "All right everybody," said Teddy, "welcome to your first day of Defense training. Let's start with the basics," he made a motion with his hand, "wands away, please."
Oh no! Thought Harry, Teddy's going to teach them like Umbridge did!
"This may be a little advanced for second-years, but I want one of you to come up here and fire off a Stunning Spell." Harry volunteered, but it seemed like Teddy had already chosen him. "Yes, you. Come right up."
Harry went to the front of the class, and was about to do a number one stunner, when Teddy stopped him. "What's the problem?"
"I said wands away."
Harry stared at him. Hearing this had jogged some memory Harry had of the future. He had heard that different regions of the world performed magic differently.
Professor Tonks said as much. "I've done a bit of traveling in my time," he said, with a barely concealed "look at how clever I'm being" wink to Harry, "In Asia, wizarding is a much more mystical act, where the magic is produced through the body via martial arts, instead of being focused through wands. It's not just Asia, either- in Brazil, the art of Jiu-Jitsu uses magic to hold people in place during chokeholds and such, also without wands. Even in America, street fighting can be used by wizards to shoot fireballs, sometimes called by their Japanese name of Hadouken, during duels."
"So, we don't need our wands?" Harry asked.
"It helps focus your energy, but you should be able to do something as simple as a Stunning Spell without one with some practice. So, that's going to be the homework for tonight," he sent Harry back to his seat, "By the end of the week, you all should be able to do this," with a curl of his fingers, and both palms thrust in front of him, he shouted, "Stupefy!" and a small beam shot from his hands into the wall. The students were stunned. Not by the spell, well, it was because of the spell, but not getting hit by it…let me try again. They were shocked at what they saw. "Class dismissed," said Teddy, as he put on a pair of sunglasses.
The other students filed out of the classroom, despite class being over about fifty-six minutes early. Harry hung back. "How did you do that?" He asked.
Teddy shut the door, because he actually had some common sense. "In my time, Voldemort made getting wands into a major hassle. He wanted to control who got the ability to use magic, and if a wandmaker had the inkling that you were going to rebel, you didn't get one. So if you wanted a revolution, you had to be a bit craftier in how you went about it. My mother and I traveled to other countries, at first to evade Voldemort's control of the wand market, but then we heard more about wandless magic."
"It's pretty impressive," Harry muttered, remembering how his first time through wordless magic seemed completely out of his grasp. "But, I had other questions. Ginny is-"
"I know," said Teddy, "I was there too. It's…certainly an issue. Especially since the Hat appears to be making its move."
"And what do I do about the Basilisk?"
"Unfortunately, we may have to wait for that opportunity to come at us. The beast has been hidden under Hogwarts for a hundred years" (Note: I have no idea how long it's been so this is obviously a rough guess) "so a second year finding it the day he returns to school is more than a little unlikely. Trust me on this, this isn't my first time-travel rodeo- you want as few people to know as possible."
"Where else did you go?" Harry wondered.
"Well, in order to time-travel at all, you must first swear that you will kill this Muggle named Hitler at top priority. The way I time-travel is a bit more sophisticated than the way you did it, and less "Why don't they just use it to fix everything?" than the Time-Turners."
"How'd you learn to do it?"
"Let's just say an old friend taught it to me," he replied, putting emphasis on "old friend". Seeing Harry's blank expression, he filled him in, "It was the Dumbledore painting. It's always Dumbledore, Harry, and it's never Sirius."
"Well, I should get going," Harry said, "Will you let me know when the time is right to take on the Basilisk?" Teddy nodded. "Also," he added, "Can you take me back in time someday? I mean, sending my soul back was cool and all, but I really want to fistfight a dinosaur."
"Heh," Teddy grinned, having checked that off his time-traveler bucket list long ago, "Yeah, see ya."
Harry left the classroom, just in time to bump into Snape. "Oh, hello Professor," he said, still weirded out at the prospect of Snape as an ally.
"Oh, hello Potter," he said, "Defense let out early?" He nodded. "Good, had a few things to discuss with the new teacher." Snape paused, and I don't mean the kind of pauses he always makes between words when portrayed by Alan Rickman. "Say, this may sound odd, but if you see a goblin, about this high," he held up his hands, "colored red, and possibly mumbling about lesbian gimmicks, could you let either Professor Sinistra, Burbage, or me know?"
"Sure," said Harry.
"Right, then," he went into the Defense classroom.
…
Time seemed to crawl by. Harry wanted to go down into the Chamber of Secrets, kill the basilisk, and use its poison to destroy the Diadem, but each time he talked with Teddy he was told to wait. Appearing to be at an impasse with this subplot, Harry let himself relax a bit when he and his friends tried out for the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. The sequence of events that let him be Gryffindor Seeker did not repeat themselves last year, and to be honest Harry was trying to make sure he did everything correctly . Luckily, he had long ago given up such pretenses, so there they were, on the Quidditch field.
The team captain was not yet Cedric Diggory, because believe it or not I actually looked that shit up- he was only said to be the captain during Harry's third year. So this year, the captain was Seventh Year Schmitty Schmitterson. Ok, maybe I should have just had Cedric be captain, seeing as all my Original Characters Do Not Steal have really godawful names.
"All right, you guys," he said to Harry's crew, "Give it a shot." Harry's normal role of Seeker was taken, so he and his friends were trying out for Chaser positions. Luckily, it was at this precise moment that I remembered that I ended the last chapter by saying (nay, promising) that there would be no Quidditch. So no one made the team.
"Well, that sucked," said Trevor.
"Maybe you guys sucked, but I was pretty awesome," Hannah said.
"You headbutted Cedric Diggory," Harry said.
"Because he was giving me the business," she said, as if this explained everything.
"He almost fell off his broom. He could have died. You could have been expelled," Harry suddenly gasped- was he the group's Hermione? "Well, we've had a rough day. Let's all relax with a big pile of homework! Oh God, what am I saying? Someone hit me!" Trevor smacked him. "Good, I think I'm-" Hannah headbutted him. "I just said I was fine." They continued on their way, when they heard a ghostly wailing. "What was that?" Harry said in his painfully obvious "I actually know exactly what's going on" voice.
"Aren't we near that haunted bathroom?" Hannah wondered.
"Oh man, that stupid hipster ghost? I hate that guy. Last year, on Burrito Night-" Trevor was cut off as the wailing continued.
"No, this is the girls' bathroom. Haunted by Moaning Mona or whatever her name is. The ghost who kind of looks like you," she said to Harry, "if you were in bad drag."
"Huh. How did she die, anyway?" Harry asked.
"I heard, she was voted Yule Ball Queen, as a joke, so that when she accepted her reward the popular kids dumped magic-pig blood on her," said Trevor.
"How was the blood magic?" Hannah asked.
"No, not magic blood, regular blood from magic pigs. It's a thing," said Trevor, "It exists!"
"I think we should ask Hagrid on that one," said Harry, before he decided to clumsily correct himself, "I mean, we should ask Myrtle how she died. Then, tomorrow, we can ask Hagrid if magic pigs are a thing. Then, ice cream!"
"Yay ice cream!" His friends said. They went into the spoooooky haunted bathroom, where Moaning Myrtle was crying. What a refreshing change of pace that must have been for the ghost.
"Hey Screaming Sara," said Trevor, "Are magic pigs a thing?"
She stopped sobbing. "Yes, we just call them Piggledeedees," she went back to crying.
"Wow, that is the most British thing I've ever heard," said Hannah, dumbstruck. "So, is that how you died? They dropped Piggledeedee blood on you?"
"Why do you suddenly care how I died? Just the other day you were complaining about how this is the worst place to poop in all of Hogwarts." Harry and Trevor looked accusingly at their friend, Trevor still doubting that girls poop at all.
Hannah blushed, mumbling "Why do they even have Burrito Night?" to herself.
"It's just," Harry said, "Do you know how many student deaths occurred at Hogwarts? See, according to Hogwarts: A History," saying that made Harry's stomach hurt a little, "There have only been like, two. Which is kind of a lot considering how many parents put their stock in the school's safety, but surprisingly small considering it's a school that teaches us to shoot lasers at each other. So there had to have been something that killed you."
"To be honest, I don't know- I heard something come in, and I thought it was just going to be kids who wanted to make fun of me. But, it was something…big, with great, terrible eyes. And that's when I died."
"Jeepers!" cried Trevor, putting the pieces together, "It's some kind of Medusa!"
"Medusas petrify people, not kill them, dummy," said Hannah.
"If you're that interested in finding it," said Myrtle, "Whatever it was, I think it left earlier this evening." Harry's eyes went wide. He had screwed up again. At this point, he should just try doing the opposite of seems sensible, and maybe that would end up reversing the polarity and fixing something for once.
"Wait, so the crazy thing that killed you is still around, and it's coming back here?" Hannah faked a yawn, "Man, I'm beat. I'm just going to head back to the dorm and sleep- got a big day ahead of me tomorrow."
"I agree, come on Harry," said Trevor, "You're the Hermione of the group, so we need you safe so we can use that beautiful brain of yours to get through McG's homework."
"I'm not the group's Hermione! You're the group's Hermione!" Harry shouted, even though I did not write that in all caps. He stormed out of the bathroom, thinking that this was kind of a dumb thing to get angry about, all things considered. Hermione was a total lady-bro to Harry throughout his adult life.
…
He involuntarily induced a flashback to his original future. He had tried to get rid of these through a Pensieve, but that didn't work because as far as I recall you used those things to save memories rather than destroy them. Maybe if you took out the silver goo and threw it out the window instead of putting it in a storage bowl it would work, I don't know. Anyway, the plot…
"This ends now, Potter!" cried Neo-Voldemort. Though initially his revived form was much worse off than he looked before, he had managed to restore his youth and full magical potential through a powerful Dark ritual. As such, he was not the snake-faced Ralph Fiennes but a young man, with a dark purple aura of power radiating from him, and he was like, crazy-buff. He had tracked Harry to the smoldering ruins of London, where The Boy Who Lived was now a man, a bitter man who had just watched this monster murder his wife and children. Harry had nothing left to lose, and, dressed in a cowboy poncho and attire for some reason, he was desperate to see this end. "Where are you hiding?" taunted Neo-Voldy as he blasted a building. Harry was taking cover behind some crates. "I figured you'd be braver. You want to see your wife again don't you? Ha, I just realized, I've actually taken your whole family from you twice!"
Harry exploded with rage, leaping from behind cover and firing off an Avada Kedavra. This is the part where your eye starts twitching and you start writing a furious reply about how Harry would never do that. Voldemort saw the spell coming and Disapparated before it hit.
"Good, let the hate flow through you," he chuckled, "You're just as bad as I am, now, aren't you? How many of my lieutenants have you killed, after all? Actually, as I recall, the Weasley boy saw to more of them than you. That's why I had to visit him first, after all."
"Shut up! Avada-!" He stopped, nearly going blind from anger as Hermione grabbed him and Disapparated with him. "Hermione! Why did you do that? I nearly had him!"
"No, he was charging something big- it would've leveled the entire city," she said. She had such a look of weariness to her nowadays. "He was feeding off your anger- I know it's hard, but a cool head is going to be the only way to defeat him for good."
"I'm sorry," he said, realizing his mistake, "But, when he was talking about Ron, and Ginny…"
"I understand completely, that fool was my husband, after all, and she was my sister-in-law. But you remember what Dumbledore said, it's just what he wants. His weakness is love, remember? Which is why…" Voldemort interrupted this by warping in and firing off a green ray. The two wizards dodged, while the dark warlock fired another burst. "Harry, I'm about to do something," she gulped, "You're going to be so very mad with me. But trust me, you need to teleport as far from here as you can imagine. I'll buy the time you need."
"No!" Harry shouted, "You're not going to die too!"
"She's probably just in a hurry to die," laughed Neo-Voldemort. "It seems one of you pathetic rabble finally realized the futility of all this."
"Hey, Tom Riddle," said Hermione, her voice cracking a testament to her rapidly diminishing reserves of courage, "You've studied all kinds of ancient magic, right? That makes two of us. But have you heard of this? A Mystical technique originating from Japan, that is perhaps best translated as "Goodbye, Mr. Tien"?"
"Hermione, no!" Harry gasped. Seeing the look on her face, he finally took her advice and warped away. The last thing he saw was Voldemort, almost as stunned as he was himself, watching Hermione Jean Granger-Weasely turning herself into a supernova of magical energy.
…
Harry snapped back into focus. He had been walking into a wall the past ten minutes, lost in his very vivid memory of the future that was, compared to this present, extremely serious. In fact, other than that one terrible shoehorned Dragon Ball reference, it was downright dark and edgy. Wait, terrible Dragon Ball reference? That reminded Harry to head to Tonks's office.
Teddy was grading papers- specifically homework down by the Fifth Years on the most awesome way to decapitate a rampaging Minotaur. He was writing in red ink on one student's paper that erroneously claimed a Minotaur would be best apprehended through peaceful discussion, when obviously you could decapitate a Minotaur through peaceful discussion, you would both have to be operating in the fifth dimension in order for it to work. It was technically correct, the best kind of correct, but most Fifth Years couldn't be expected to operate within said dimension.
"The Basilisk has been let loose!" Harry said. "See what horrors your wait-and-see attitude hath wrought!"
"Calm down, Harry, it can't be that bad- he's trying to set an example, not kill everyone. Unless circumstances have changed," he muttered.
"Maybe you haven't noticed it, but Neville Longbottom has a damn robot arm! Of course circumstances have changed!" Harry was outraged, Tonks was being a much more flippant professor than he expected. "If we're not careful out there, students will be killed!"
"I've taken the necessary precautions. You'll have to trust me on this one."
"Teddy, seriously, the last time I was told to just trust an adult, it ended up being for Dumbledore's genius plan where Voldemort killed me, then himself."
"…Good point. Well, in that case, you want to handle this?" Tonks handed him his blade, "It's not the Sword of Gryffindor, but trust me it can slay basilisks in a pinch. Also, certain dark items, of a most Horcruxy nature," he winked like he was being subtle.
"You're not going to help?" Harry asked.
"I have this great plan, and to explain it all to you would ruin my chance to explain it to you later," said Tonks. "Look, I know it sounds like something Dumbledore has done on multiple occasions, and that's because it's very similar. Now, hurry."
…
Harry ran through the Great Hall, but found himself stopped in his tracks by Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle. "Oh no," he muttered.
"That's right, Potter! I was left out, of the ENTIRE first chapter! Do you have any idea how damaging that is to a person's self-esteem? Of course not. You're Harry "K.D. Lang" Potter! You're always the main character of every story, put into every chapter, and you always save the day! So I had a little chat with the Sorting Hat," Draco said, and Harry's eyes widened, "And he told me the funniest thing. Seems you don't exactly belong here. Seems you had such a funderful time in school you want to experience all of it again. And here's the kicker," Draco unsheathed the Sword of Gryffindor, "the Hat thought that my desire to defeat you, and become the real hero, was a very Griffindor act, if you get what I'm saying?"
"What are you doing, Draco?" Harry asked.
"This story ends now- and from its ashes, will arise Draco Malfoy and the Time Travel Related Pun!"
"Stop talking in italics, you douche!" Harry shouted, taking out Tonks's blade.
"Ha, yes, a good old-fashioned sword-duel," Draco said, "Fitting for the hero and rival to square off like this. Crabbe, Goyle, this fight is between me and Potter only. Don't interfere," he hissed, "Come, Potter, we shall find the exit to that place called Paradise!" He leapt, swinging his sword like he was an uncoordinated twelve year old.
Harry blocked the blade, "We don't have to do this, Draco!"
"But we do! I've been training for months with Bloody Baron, and he taught me something your best friend Professor Tonks never could- The Secret Technique Demon Blood Slash!" He slashed his sword, and a red shockwave fired from the tip. Harry tried to block, but it passed through his blade and knocked him to the ground. "Ha! Now, I shall taunt you, like all heroes do!"
"Stupefy!" cried out Trevor and Hannah. They had fired off these shots without using their wands, and Draco only barely threw up a Protego to redirect these.
"Harry, we saw Professor Tonks- he was saying ominous crap and heading towards the bathroom," said Hannah, "And he told us to come here and help you out."
"Weird he knew you were in trouble, now that I think of it," said Trevor.
"Thanks for the help," Harry said, "Now how about we show these Slytherin losers what it's like to be Hufflepuffs!" He grimaced, wishing that Henrietta Hufflepuff had a slightly more threatening last name.
Then a man in back yelled "Everyone attack!" and it turned into a ballroom blitz. Sword and spell were in full cry, with neither side gaining any ground against the other. I guess in this universe Draco and his posse were competent, instead of being nonvillains. Seriously, for all the crap he talked, Draco was about as effective a bully as Neville. Hey Ron, your family is poor! Good job jackass, everyone else noticed that five years ago, why don't you come up with some new material?
Things were turning grim, however. "Burning Slash!" Draco shouted, and flames danced along his sword with each swing. Harry attempted a parry, but Malfoy swung with such force that it knocked the blade from his hands. "Ha! Ready to concede defeat?" Draco went flying backwards before he could taunt Harry some more.
"Somebody call for an exterminator?" Ron asked, his wand smoking from the fired spell. He was backed up by Hermione and Neville. "We've got your back, bro, this little wiener ain't stopping you."
"Freeze mamma-jammas! Expelliarmus!" Blaise Zabini leapt in from nowhere, dual-wielding wands that disarmed Ron and Hermione.
"Blaise, you son of a bitch," Draco grinned. "I trust this means they accepted our agreement?"
"Let this answer your question," said Cho Chang, who appeared with Luna Lovegood and…uh, the Patil twin that was from Ravenclaw. I want to saw Padma, but I really have no idea. Maybe it was Parvati…wait, one of them was in Ravenclaw, right? I'm going to say Padma. If you really care about canon, you've mashed the back button out of disgust long before you get to which twin is in Ravenclaw. A cursory glance at the internet says I was right anyway. "The Lovely Angels of Ravenclaw have agreed to your alliance, Dandy Lads of Slytherin. We shall join you in your battle against these rabble," she put her hand over her mouth and laughed.
"So, are there like, no dudes in Ravenclaw or something?" Hannah asked.
"Silence!" commanded Cho, while she took out a sword of her own, "You think you're so cool, the three of you! Always having wacky, irreverent adventures while some of my friends get abducted by some strange creature! Well no more!" The fighting grew even more chaotic, with the introduction of the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw groups, spells of varying power were fired every which way, and there were horses, and a man on fire. Brick killed a guy with a trident!
The fighting was interrupted when Harry heard the unmistakable hiss of the Basilisk. "What's it doing up here?" He gasped. "Guys, I need my sword- you all have to get out of here!"
"You heard him, Trev, we need to clear them out of here!" Hannah shouted, tackling Cho Chang to the ground.
"We've got you, Harry!" said Trevor, who was about to stun Luna away, when the two of them caught each other's eyes. "Who are you?" he stammered.
"Who are any of us? The grand riddle of time immemorial- sweet and terrible like a madman's lullaby. Peace, my friend," she said in a whispery voice. The both of them were locked, frozen in eye contact, when each was Stupefied by either Neville or Blaise Zabini, who spent the whole first two years becoming a total badass, apparently.
Harry grabbed his sword, and turned towards the noise instinctively. He suddenly remembered that was a terrible idea, seeing as it was an insta-kill snake he was dealing with. The Basilisk burst forth from a wall, but it was wounded, heavily. Its eyes looked to have been pulled out, so its death glare was useless. Harry leapt at the snake, stabbing it with his sword. The creature roared and went back into the wall, clearly expecting safety on this end. It dragged Harry along with it, and a flick of its tail sent Draco flying into the wall. His friends deserted him, running back to the Slytherin Common Room.
"Uh, what just happened?" asked Ron.
…
Harry held tightly to the sword, still lodged into the Basilisk's flank. He held tight as the snake wormed its way back to the Chamber of Secrets, using the hidden snake-passageways that apparently exist. The Basilisk was not long for this world, however, and when it reached the chamber, it weakly collapsed. The younger form of Tom Riddle, and the possessed Ginny Weasley, watched Harry ride in with confusion. "Oh, damn, it's going to be one of THOSE days," Tom Riddle sighed.
"Ha, I've killed your Basilisk, Tom Marvolo Riddle, or should I say, You Are Lord Voldemort?"
"Not, it's not you are, it's I am. I am Lord Voldemort," corrected Riddle.
"Right, like I said, you are Voldemort. Kind of a dumb anagram, though, it doesn't even work," Harry had the smuggest look on his face.
"Listen you! I'm not even going to ask how you know all that, when all I really care about is…How did you defeat me the last time?"
"Uh, me and a bunch of kids smashed your face in, is what happened."
"Kids?" echoed Riddle, "Kids!" He turned to Possessed Ginny, who shrugged.
"Perhaps there were more children than you were prepared for," said Ginny.
"Granted, but still. I've got an image to maintain, and if those damn wiener kids could kill me, I just don't know anymore. All right, enough of that- so Harry Potter, you may have killed my snake, but-"
Harry interrupted him, "I killed your snake butt?"
"How dare you make wordplay with the most powerful wizard in the world?"
"You started it, with your anagram crap," said Harry. Ginny giggled.
"You there, girl, finish him," Riddle waved his wand, and Ginny leapt into attack.
"Ginny! I don't want to hurt you! However, I also kinda have no choice. Stupefy!" The spell knocked her to the ground. "Now, as for you…"
"What are you going to do?" laughed Riddle, "I'm barely corporeal as it is! Unless you've somehow befriended the Ghostbusters (which would not be the oddest thing you've accomplished, come to think of it) you have no way of even…what, what are you doing with that book? I mean, I don't care, forget that book, it has no significance to me- No! Don't stab it!" Harry stabbed the book with Tonk's sword. "Aw. Lame, dude. Lame," said Riddle as he disintegrated.
"Cacaw!" Fakwes flew down into the chamber.
"Hey Fawkes, you mind givin' me and Ginny here a ride out?" Harry asked. Apparently Harry speaks Birdeltongue too, now, because Fawkes gave him a shrug like, "Whatevs, dude, I just know you're not riding that dead-ass snake up there."
…
After that, the year slowed to a dull crawl, given that the emotional climax of the year had occurred during the first few months of the school year. By the end of the year, people had almost forgotten about the massive battle between students from each of the Houses, and the giant snake that had been living under the school for a century. No, now the students were all talking about the new hit musical group the Lickety Switches, and how the members of the band looked strangely familiar.
Harry joined Professor Teddy Tonks as he packed up his things. "I don't know if you heard the news," said Tonks, "But I was fired. The curse of Defense Against the Dark Arts continues."
"But, how? You told Dumbledore about your role in the Basilisk's defeat, right? And he must have seen how much you taught us!" Harry protested.
Tonks laughed, shaking his head sadly, "Ah, but I committed the cardinal sin that anyone in Dumbledore's employ can do. I replaced his weed with oregano. Heh, totally worth it. You can really see why they used to call him Angrydore."
"That, uh," Harry wasn't sure what to say, "Well, that was a way to get sacked, I suppose."
"I also tricked McGonagall into kissing my naked butt, she was none-too-pleased with that."
"How exactly did you trick someone into doing that?"
"I don't want to tell you, I want you to try to figure it out on your own."
"In that case, I better give you this back," Harry tried to hand him his sword back, but he refused it.
"No, you keep it. I don't like it anymore. Besides, it will probably serve you better than it could me. You forgot to destroy the other Horcurx, didn't you?"
"Something came up," Harry said. It had- he planned to do it late one night, but Trevor had convinced them all to try AD+HD, which is just like regular Dungeons and Dragons except occasionally everyone has to take some ADD medication. Their newfound ability to hyper-focus left them in a confused state the following morning, where they had apparently written a ten page essay on the carrying capacity of a kobold's sphincter. They turned this paper in at the next Herbology class, and received a B+, only losing points because it was not related to Herbology in any way.
"So, yeah, hang onto that for a bit. I've got some other things to take care of anyways," he said, "Maybe I'll let you help with some of them- they're time-travel related."
"Cool, I'll hold you to that," he nodded, "I should get going, have to catch a train."
…
On the train ride back, Draco nursed his wound he suffered when the Basilisk flicked him into the wall. He had been left by his friends, but one person had come back for him. She sat in front of him, probably not noticing him, he thought, when she turned around. "Draco?" She whispered.
"Mh," he grunted, acting like he was so cool.
"Good to see you turned out ok," she said, "I can't believe all those kids from the other Houses ganged up on you, but you managed to hold them off pretty well. I'm sorry I didn't get to introduce myself earlier," she smiled, "I'm Astoria Greengrass."
"Hi," Draco muttered, feeling foolish that this girl had seen him at his weakest.
"Don't waste your time on him," said a kid bigger than Draco, "this punk was the only kid in that whole brawl to get hurt." Draco fumed, who would dare say such a thing to his face? If he weren't angry at Crabbe and Goyle right now, he would've ordered them to beat him up. "Come on, Astoria, we're all in the back of the compartment." He went back and sat down, and Draco could've sworn sitting next to him were Crabbe and Goyle.
"Sorry," she said quietly as she got her things, "That's just my…friend," she said like there was more to this, that she could not admit to him just yet, "Waldorf Hightides." She went back to the rear of the car, and sat with Waldorf.
…
Harry, with Hannah asleep on his shoulder, struggled somewhat to get out that sheet of paper. Next to the bulletpoint labeled "Events of Year Two", he placed a checkmark. Also on this paper were several crude drawings of the Horcruxes, and he crossed out the one representing Tom Riddle's Diary. He then drew a man peeking over a wall and wrote "Kilroy was here" underneath it, not fully understanding the significance of this, but it was a reference nonetheless, so he laughed.
…
NEXT TIME: One Horcrux down, five to go! As the various subplots I've introduced once again clash with each other for attention (I mean, the Dumbledore painting was hardly in this one), a mysterious visitor comes to Hogwarts! Is it Sirius! Except that joke doesn't work because it actually totally is this time holy crap. And there are more hats than Team Fortress 2 when Harry goes after the Ravenclaw Diadem and battles the Sorting Hat! And new teacher Remus Lupin has a terrible secret…a WEREWOLF secret! More stuff continues to happen, even though I don't know how I'll top the massive student battle from this chapter, so look forward to all of this and more in the next chapter of Harry Potter and the Time Travel Related Pun!
