Chapter 2. Promises
She waited for him to come to her even though she knew he probably won't. But she needed his presence now more than ever, right now when she feels completely lost...drowning in uncertainty, in her fears of the unknown future.
Kokoro could only hold her stomach, it was still flat, no visible changes that would indicate she's carrying a new life separate from her own. My baby. Kokoro silently whispered, I don't know what I should do.
What place does she have in this world if she can't pilot a Franxx? Though they've been abandoned to fend for their own, the threat from space is still real. VIRM could attack them any time, but she won't be able to help fight them off.
Mitsuru could probably find another partner...
Kokoro clutched her chest as she looked at the door. It was foolishness to hope he would come, but she can't help it. And though her mind rationalized his absence, her heart kept screaming over and over again. Why won't he come? It's his baby too!
Had Kokoro gathered her strength and opened the door, she would have known, would have found the comfort she sought. But she was too deeply caught in her own pain and misery to find the strength to even stand, let alone walk the short distance.
Mitsuru stood at the other side of the door. He can no longer recall how many times he has raised his hand to knock, but always hesitated before he could do so.
He doesn't know what to say, what to do or how he could even help...he only knows this longing to be by her side. But he was held back by his own fears. He knew that the child was a part of him as much as it was hers, and yet he's completely lost where to go from there. Somewhere in the secret recesses of his soul, he feared she blamed...or hated him for this.
How can he comfort Kokoro when he himself felt lost?
Mitsuru took a deep breath and raised his hand to try again, but then Goro called his attention from the far end of the hallway. "I think we found a solution regarding the crops...having a meeting now."
Taking one last glance at Kokoro's door, Mitsuru slowly walked away. "Let Kokoro rest for now. We can tell her everything later." He told Goro who only nodded in agreement.
The happy news about Mistilteinn's soil to solve their food growing problems was dampened by Hiro's announcement of his decision to follow Zero Two to space.
It was incomprehensible that he was more concerned about being with Zero Two when they were on the verge of starvation and extinction. But Hiro couldn't be swayed, even calm and collected Goro finally lost it.
That night as they pondered about Hiro's decision, they sat outside the building watching the shooting stars above them. The others may not understand why Hiro would risk his own life and his relationship with his friends for Zero Two, yet in his own way, Mitsuru knew why.
There was a hunger in his soul that he sensed only Kokoro could fill, an emptiness that only she can complete. Hiro must be feeling the same. He's only an empty shell without Zero Two.
Mitsuru has no name for the feelings that made his chest ache whenever he sees Kokoro so unhappy. Pity or compassion, he's familiar with. But this...isn't pity or compassion, it's more.
He would gladly take all her pain and bear it all alone if it meant she would be spared. He would give up anything, anything at all if she would smile for him again.
He wanted to have the right to be by her side, the right to worry over her, to take care of her.
He doesn't know why he feels this way, he only knows that he feels them strongly.
"Do you think...we'll ever find something like that?" Miku asked suddenly, breaking the silence. "Something that means the world to us...that we'd choose it over anything else?"
"It's different for each person..." Ikuno replied.
Mitsuru agrees. Without withdrawing his hand from his pocket, he touched the ring he once wore on his finger. A vow to be true, in sickness or health...to never part until death...
He still has no memories of such a promise made to Kokoro, but it felt so right. Wasn't that what he'd desired to do all along?
"Guys we need to talk." Ichigo suddenly spoke as she walked in from the fields with Goro. "I know this would be risky, it could also mean we won't be able to come back alive..."
"Zero Two is up there, fighting those VIRM, she's doing it to protect us, protect our future. It won't be right to let her fight alone. We must fight for our future as well."
The group was silent for a while, but each knew what they wanted to do. To take charge of their own future.
And in this, Mitsuru knew that he's now the one who would be risking his relationship with the others. But, he too, has made up his mind. His only future is with Kokoro. If he can't keep her safe while they battle VIRM in space, there is no point in living for him anymore.
Hiro said it best, if Zero Two won't smile for him anymore, then he might as well be dead.
"Everyone...I'm staying here. To be with Kokoro." Mitsuru said in a low voice.
"As if we'd let you come with us." Miku retorted with a small smile.
"Yeah, someone has to take charge of things here. The others are still lost without Papa. They were not allowed to experience things as our squad had." Ichigo agreed.
"Thanks, guys. I'll do my best." Mitsuru nodded his head.
They started preparations for their journey to space, Ichigo and Goro instructed Mitsuru how to run things in their absence.
They visited Kokoro in her room in the infirmary to tell her everything. She felt a pang of envy and then sadness that all of her friends would be risking their lives to protect their home, but she'll be left here in relative safety.
She sensed Mitsuru looking at her, but refused to meet his gaze. It hurts.
He must have decided to look for another partner so he could join the others in space. Though she has told herself that she doesn't expect anything from him, it still hurts.
When dawn came and they all gathered at the bridge to wait for Hiro, Kokoro didn't want to join them at first. Her emotions were in turmoil, though she knew that this was something they have to do, she hated being left behind. Chastising herself for being so selfish, reminding herself that this could be the final time she'd see her friends, Kokoro slowly changed into her uniform.
Feelings of envy, worry, fear she can deal with, but what was creating havoc in her chest was the thought of Mitsuru. She doesn't want to see which partner he chose to pilot with. That one hurt the most. As inexplicable as it was, she wanted to scratch this unknown girl's eyes out. Such violence was unheard of and scared Kokoro even more.
But as Miku grabbed her hand and led her to the entrance, Kokoro fought back tears. They would all be risking their lives but she won't be there to help them, she felt even more useless now, without purpose.
Everyone appears to be in their Parasite suits as expected, but Kokoro refused to look at Mitsuru, not knowing what she'd do if she saw him with another girl. So she kept her head down.
"Kokoro are you okay?" Miku asked looking at her friend's bent head worriedly. "Do you want to lie down?"
"I'm alright." Kokoro replied, refusing to look up. "Just a little sleepy."
Just then Hiro arrived. "Hey." He said, surprise in his eyes to see all of them, he had expected to meet only Nana and Hachi.
"We're going to help you find Zero Two." Ichigo said.
"Hiro you chose your path, I won't fight your decision. Now we're even. This is the path we chose to take, you don't get to fight it either." Goro said.
Teary eyed, too emotional to speak, Hiro could only nod his head.
Kokoro slowly looked up, she has heard everyone speak about their decision to fight, even the remaining 9's have come to join Hiro...but she still hasn't heard Mitsuru speak.
Her first sight of him was of Mitsuru walking towards Hiro, not in his Parasite suit but in uniform. Kokoro could only look in bewilderment as Mitsuru quietly spoke to Hiro. Her breath caught in her throat.
He's staying behind? And though she knew it was selfish of her, she couldn't help but feel relieved. She hated being left behind, unable to help her friends...but she had also felt abandoned when she thought Mitsuru was going too.
After tearful goodbyes and instructions on how to run things, Hiro and the others set off on their journey to space.
Kokoro was startled to see they didn't bring Zero Two with them. She stood there, looking up at the sky while Hiro and the others departed.
Mitsuru stood beside Kokoro as they both looked up at the sky as well. Quietly, Kokoro asked his reasons for staying.
"I may not be able to pilot, but you could have found a different partner."
Mitsuru was a bit unprepared for her question, wasn't it obvious that he stayed for her? "I stayed because I want to. It's my responsibility as well."
"Responsibility?" Kokoro didn't know why that word stings. It sounded like she's a burden and she didn't want to be. "Even though you have no memories? I told you, I don't expect anything from you, so please, don't mind me."
Mitsuru felt crushed. He had wanted to assure Kokoro that he'll take care of her, of their baby, that he would take responsibility...but she rejected him. Why? How can he restore their previous relationship? This somber, unsmiling Kokoro was so different from the Kokoro he sees in his dreams at night.
How can he bring the light back in her eyes?
He wanted to see her smile for him again.
-o-
Kokoro has been bandaging Zero Two's wounds. She didn't understand where the cuts were coming from, and she winced at the thought how much they must hurt.
It has become an unconscious habit for Kokoro to touch her stomach as she talked with Zero Two. It didn't matter that she can't respond, it soothes Kokoro to be able to do something for her friend.
"You are all up there risking your lives, and yet I'm here unable to help much." Kokoro said softly, "What do you see up there? How is everyone? I hope you're all safe."
Then she caught herself caressing her stomach again, as if reassuring the tiny life. She must find her place in this future without the adults or piloting a Franxx. Or there won't be a place for her child as well. Kokoro doesn't want to be a burden to anyone. She knew about the food crisis, and the shortage of medicines. She has to earn her keep somehow...
There was a huge storm the next day, but Kokoro couldn't bring Zero Two inside. Unable to leave her friend, Kokoro decided to stay despite the storm.
"Kokoro please get inside, it's dangerous out here." Mitsuru urged her.
"No, please let me stay." Kokoro said, if she can't even do this, take care of Zero Two for Hiro's return, she will never forgive herself. "I can't pilot a Franxx anymore, I can't work in the fields...I...I can't do anything. I have nothing to give..."
"Then I'll stay here with you both." Mitsuru said, his eyes set with determination.
Kokoro felt her heart sank, the thought of him getting injured or sick out here made her throat close with emotions. "No, please you don't have to. I told you, you don't have to feel respon—"
"It's not about responsibility!" Mitsuru groaned, his chest hurt, he couldn't bear another rejection from her. God, Kokoro why do you want to tear me apart? "I'm a weakling...I don't even know what love is. But if I can be by your side I can keep walking. That's what I've realized, I want to protect you and our baby's future."
He pulled out the ring from his pocket. A promise to be true, in sickness or health, to never part until death...the promise represented by the ring, a promise made in the erased past, but even without their memories of it, that doesn't make that promise any less real. He can see that she understood what the ring meant.
"Why...why do you still have that?" Kokoro asked, and then asked him something that has always, always made her heart clench. "Why do you keep saying my name even though it hurts you?"
"Because...you were once mine." Mitsuru said in a low voice, he smiled but tears were already streaking down his cheeks. "I'll call your name as many times you want me to. Even without our memories...we can start all over again."
Kokoro opened her palm as she showed him her own ring.
So, she has been waiting for him...waiting all this time. Mitsuru could only touch her forehead with his as they clasped hands, fingers intertwined.
"Mitsuru..." Kokoro cried, it hurts to speak his name, but at the same time it felt so right, so liberating...simply because it was her beloved's name.
He held her hand as he called her name back, with all the longing, the pain, the loneliness, the hunger he'd kept inside.
-o-
She leaned on his chest as they sat close to Zero Two, Mitsuru wrapped his arms around her shoulder and held her close. And then remembering the ring, he took it from her hand and slipped it back on her finger. "Kokoro...I promise to love and honor you, to comfort you in all suffering, to take care of you in sickness, and to be by your side until my dying day."
"Mitsuru..." Kokoro gasped, tears pricking her eyes once more.
"I don't remember how the vows were given, but the words I've just spoken, they're true."
She kissed his cheek as she reached for his hand and slipped the ring on his finger. "I entrust myself to you." Kokoro whispered after repeating the vows he spoke. "Let's find happiness together..."
-o-
"Code 326, Hachi asked me to give you this before he left." The new Nana handed Mitsuru a small data pad. "He said it's from Dr. Franxx's database, you should read it, it contains information about pregnancy."
At the explanation, Mitsuru's confusion melted away into a pleased smile. "Thank you, I'll be sure to learn as much as I can."
He found Kokoro waiting for him in their usual spot at their designated quarters in the Assembly Hall. It had become too spacious with just the two of them since their friends left for space, but Kokoro cleaned the place regularly for their return.
Mitsuru kissed her forehead in greeting, smiling a little sheepishly as Kokoro took the towel that was draped on his neck and asked him to sit down so she could dry his hair. It has become their daily routine of sorts, after his day's labor in the fields, he'd take a bath with the other boys in the lake, then he'd return to their quarters, where Kokoro waited with a hot meal. But sometimes, he prefers to have his hair brushed first as he rested on her lap...like right now, before dinner.
"I found some tea leaves in my suitcase." Kokoro said as she gently brushed his hair with the soft bristle brush. "Goro said that Mistilteinn is thriving. If the greenhouse survived, then maybe we could bring back some of the tea bushes I planted there when the others return."
"That sounds good." Mitsuru agreed, closing his eyes in pleasure as he rested his head on her lap, the tiredness and aches of the day slowly melting away. "Didn't you plant some mint as well?"
"Yeah! It would improve the flavor and—" she paused suddenly. "How did you know? Do you remember?"
Mitsuru opened his eyes and looked up at her. He reached up and touched her cheek and caressed her gently. "Yeah, I do remember the greenhouse, but meeting you there, no..."
"Oh." Kokoro said, then simply shrugged and resumed brushing his hair.
"I found some honey too." She said, almost in a conspirational voice. "I'm sure Zero Two would love to steal them."
Mitsuru smiled then sighed a satisfied sound as she began to massage his scalp. It felt so good, he'd purr like a cat if he'd been born one.
"Mitsur—"
"Shhh." Mitsuru stopped her before she could say his name, he didn't want her to get hurt.
"You're not being fair." Kokoro almost pouted. "You'd say my name, but you won't let me call yours."
Mitsuru smiled and closed his eyes once more. "I'm a boy, I can tolerate more pain than you."
His explanation was so outrageous Kokoro couldn't help herself, she pulled his nose. "Is that so?"
"Ow!" Mitsuru protested halfheartedly then grabbed her hand. Kokoro went still when he brushed his lips against her palm before pressing a kiss on its center. He's so affectionate, so loving it made her heart race. Was he like this before too?
She was going to say something when she heard the barely audible sound of girls whispering from a distance. Curiously she raised her head and looked around to see who it was. As she suspected, a small group of girls has come to gawk at them again. Kokoro didn't understand their fascination, when she would wave them over to talk, they would walk away, faces flustered.
"Is that the same group of girls as before?" Mitsuru asked, drawing her out of her musings.
"Hmmm? I think so." Kokoro replied, bringing her attention back to him. "Want to eat now?"
"Five more minutes?" Mitsuru said smiling boyishly, asking for more of the head massage.
An amused laugh burst from Kokoro and then indulged him.
-o-
Mitsuru was drinking some of the tea as Kokoro cleaned their quarters. It was lightly sweetened with honey, making him smile. Remembering the files New Nana gave him, he picked up the data pad to read.
It was full of information starting from conception to delivery and infant care. Mitsuru skipped some pages, looking for the nutrition section. The first time he and Kokoro nearly had a heated argument was when he wanted to give her his own food rations.
She has a growing child inside her, so he'd reasoned she must eat for two people now. But Kokoro was stubborn and won't accept the extra food. New Nana came to the rescue and sanctioned the extra rations for Kokoro, she would have refused that as well, not wanting any special treatment, until New Nana told her malnourishment would harm her and the baby.
Mitsuru nearly choked on the tea when he turned to the next page. The words "Sex Positions During Pregnancy." as the chapter heading didn't sound so outrageous until he realized what that actually meant.
And then there were the pictures in full details. He felt embarrassed and yet fascinated at the same time as he glanced up to check on Kokoro, then back to the pictures. His cheeks began to burn as he noticed one particular position that looked so familiar. Doggy style? What the hell?!
"What are you reading?" Kokoro's voice nearly made him jump, he hasn't noticed when she sat close to him, too engrossed in the book.
"Um...Kokoro—" Mitsuru winced as the pain hit him again.
She sighed and kissed his temple as if to soothe the pain away. "Want another massage?"
"I'm fine, thanks." He smiled, reaching for her hand, but before he could touch her, Kokoro picked the pad from his lap.
"What were you reading...oh." She said as she flipped the pages. Mitsuru knew the moment she saw the positions, the blush on her cheeks was a dead giveaway.
Mitsuru reached for her hand and laced their fingers. Embarrassment colored both of their faces, but...sex was an intimacy they had shared before. Even if they have no recollection of it, the simple existence of their baby was proof of it.
Kokoro leaned into him as they sat close together without speaking.
"Would you like...to try again?" She whispered suddenly, barely audible. She didn't look at him, the blush on her cheeks a deeper color.
"Yes." He whispered, so soft she almost didn't hear him.
"Then come." Kokoro said as she slowly rose up from her sitting position. Mitsuru sat a moment longer, feeling as though his heart was about to burst out of his chest.
Kokoro stood near where their joined futons were laid on the floor. She pulled the curtains that provided the only privacy in the cramped quarters. She smiled shyly at him when Mitsuru walked over to where she stood and tugged the curtain behind him close.
A/N: One last chapter to wrap this up. :) Muse is finding it hard to go back to vanilla sex after a bout with the AU fic. lol I'm just not disciplined enough to shift gears efficiently. le sigh.
