All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are as you head off to the war
The redhead's heart skipped what felt like several beats and she wondered if she was going to throw up. After everything that had happened, now she was going to lose the only light she had left in her life. She could hear her heart start beating again unbelievably, her body apparently not getting the message that her life was over, and she tried to push Tara off of her lap, needing to be sick.
Tara stumbled as she regained her footing, and she grasped Willow's arm for support. "Tara, please…" Willow gasped, holding tight to Tara's wrists. "Don't leave me."
Tara gaped at her in incomprehension. "What? Willow, no!" Her eyes squeezed closed and she was suddenly breathing hard. "No! I never meant…we can't keep doing it like this. We have to talk about things like this. We need to talk. I know it's bad right now, but we can't keep going like this. Sweetheart…"
"You're not…you don't want to leave?" Willow gasped, sure she was squeezing Tara's wrists too hard, but unwilling to let her go.
"No, of course I don't," Tara said. She sighed heavily. "Can we sit down?" she asked, one hand rising to cup Willow's cheek. "Please? I need you to hold me."
Willow nodded, feeling weak with a dizzying combination of relief and anxiety. She kept her hands tight around Tara's wrist, making a conscious effort to breathe. "Yeah. I need to sit down," she agreed.
They moved together through the living room, picking their way gingerly through Willow's carefully organized piles of robot parts. Willow sat down in the middle of the couch, heaving a weary sigh. Tara sat down close beside her, turning quickly to put her legs across Willow's lap. Willow hesitantly rested her hands on Tara's knees, fingers stroking gently over Tara's jeans. "Is this okay?" she asked softly.
Tara took a deep breath, meeting her eyes solidly. "Willow, of course. You don't have to ask to touch me. I'm your partner. I don't want you to pull away from me. I'm so sorry I've been fighting you at night, but it's because when I'm asleep, and everything Glory did to me happens again, the things in my dreams that touch me, they're not you. In my head, it's my father, and Donny, telling me everything they always told me when I was growing up, that I'm worthless, and dirty, and a demon that no one will ever love." She swallowed thickly, choking on tears. "It's not you. Willow, I would never fight you."
Willow gave her a defeated look, her fingers tracing the seam of Tara's pants back and forth across the inside of her knee, but not letting her hand wander anywhere else. "Tara…"
"Listen to me," Tara interrupted her, voice suddenly firm. She took a shuddering breath, voice cracking and rough under her tears. "Those dreams are a nightmare, and every single night, I'm so scared that I'm back under Glory's control, that I'll never wake up." Her hand landed over Willow's on her leg. "But there is one thing that separates my dreams from what happened," she said softly, curling her fingers around Willow's hand. "In my dreams, you're there. You fight for me. You bring me back."
"I did," Willow said hoarsely. "I'll always find you, Tara." Her voice was near tears, and she choked them back fiercely, determined not to cry.
Tara nodded, pulling her hand up to kiss it. "I know that, Willow," she whispered, her lips against Willow's palm. "That's what wakes me up. You bring me back. Every night."
Willow sighed, shaking her head minutely. "It never should have happened, Tara."
"Hush," Tara said firmly. "It's all over." She eyed her girlfriend sympathetically. "Except for the nightmares." She planted another kiss in Willow's palm. "I know they're awful for you, and I wish I could stop them, wish you didn't have to see me like that, but they will get better, I promise. I'm doing everything I can to put it behind me, but it's going to take time."
"I know that, baby," Willow whispered. "I just…I hate seeing you like that. I see her hand, and you…and I can't get there. I see it every night." She curled her free hand around Tara's leg, hugging her lover's leg to her middle. "And then you start kicking me, and trying to get away, and it's like when you were gone." Her head leaned down and she pressed a kiss against the denim of Tara's pants. "I couldn't touch you," she breathed against the fabric.
Tara squeezed her hand, drawing her eyes, but Willow didn't lift her head, just squeezed her leg closer. "It's not like that anymore, Willow. You can touch me. I'm right here." She drew in a deep breath, fingers stroking over the back of Willow's hand. "I can't stop it from happening, but whenever it does, you wake me up," Tara said softly.
Willow shook her head, whimpering softly. "I try, but it never works. I shake you…"
"Hit me if you have to," Tara said, shrugging. "I won't mind…"
Willow looked horrified, shaking her head. "I would never, ever lift a hand to you, Tara. You know that."
"I know that," she assured her softly. "It wouldn't be like my father, or Donny," she reasoned gently.
"That doesn't matter," Willow interrupted. "I won't hit you, Tara," she said firmly.
Tara squeezed the hand she was holding, guiding it to her thigh, much closer to her hip than Willow had let her other hand wander. "So, do something else to get my attention," she proposed, voice soft and shy.
"Tara…"
"Willow," she echoed. "I feel you. When you touch me, it's all I can feel." Their eyes met and Tara gave her a soft smile. She pressed Willow's hand against her leg, sliding it gently back and forth, letting her eyes slide closed as she took a deep breath. "I love you, Willow."
"I love you too," the redhead whispered.
Tara let her eyes open, shifting herself closer to Willow. "Can you make me another promise?" she requested softly.
"Anything," Willow said immediately, kissing her knee again.
Tara shifted herself again, reaching forward to get a grip on Willow's collar, pulling her in. "Tonight, whenever I have a nightmare," she said, both of them knowing that her having another nightmare was a when, not if, situation. Willow nodded, unconsciously leaning in so that her lips brushed against Tara's. The blonde kissed her softly, keeping it chaste, her fingers sliding into Willow's hair. "When I have a nightmare tonight," she breathed, pulling on Willow's bottom lip with her own, "wake me up and make love to me."
Willow swallowed thickly, pressing forward to kiss her deeper. "I think I can handle that," she agreed. Tara chased her lips, the arm around Willow's neck pulling her in closer.
"I need you to handle it," Tara gasped her agreement, feeling Willow's hand dragging up the inside of her leg only to freeze dangerously close to the seam of her jeans. "Don't you dare stop," she groaned. "Willow," she gasped, gripping Willow's hair tightly.
Willow was breathing hard, but didn't let Tara pull her back down. "I heard…" She was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Xander," Tara realized, reluctantly letting Willow go. They sat up slowly, both breathing hard. "We shouldn't be doing this on the couch," she declared softly. "Dawn's right upstairs."
Willow nodded shakily. "You're right," she gasped.
"I should get started on dinner," Tara said, not looking at her, feeling shy and nervous suddenly. Willow hadn't given any indication, other than her passionate response to the kiss, that she was ready to proceed with anything physical, but when Tara moved to stand up Willow grabbed her hand before she could move.
"Hey," Willow said quietly. "I want you, Tara. Don't think for one second that I don't." She leaned in again, kissing her deeply even as the knock sounded again on the door. "I haven't made love to you in more than a month." Between Glory, the insanity, and everything else they were in an unprecedented drought.
Tara was surprised to realize that she was smiling against Willow's lips. "I'm sure you'll remember what to do pretty quick," she teased.
Willow squeezed her eyes closed, swallowing thickly. "Vixen," she whispered shakily, taking one final kiss as Xander knocked again and they both heard Dawn walking down the stairs.
She didn't speak to them, opening the door for Xander. He hugged her gently, murmuring quietly to her. "Hey," he greeted the witches as they joined the others just inside the door. "How's it going?"
Dawn let out a deep breath, shaking her head against the carpenter's chest. "They were making out on the couch, so I think they're feeling better," she commented flatly.
Willow and Tara exchanged glances as Dawn squeezed Xander one more time before moving back toward the stairs, ignoring Willow as the redhead tried to call her back. "Xander…I, we were kissing, but…"
He shook his head, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Hey, Will. I know how hard this is. We're all going a little nuts." Willow looked stung and he continued quickly, "And I know how much worse it would be if I didn't have Anya." His eyes traveled to Tara. "You…both of you have been through a lot lately." He smiled sadly. "You'll get no judgment from me for comforting each other." His hand moved to her cheek, thumb brushing under her eye and pulling her in to press a kiss to her forehead. "Dawn loves you guys," he said quietly. "She's lonely right now. You know she doesn't mean anything by it."
Willow's eyes lingered on the dark staircase, and she reached past Xander to hit the light switch. They'd all gotten much too comfortable with darkness lately. "I'll talk to her," she said softly, blinking as she focused on Xander and Tara could see her lover's controlled mask drop back into place. "What's up?"
He shrugged, letting her go. "I just wanted to check in. Anya's busy at the shop, and I wasn't sure if you were going out with Spike and Giles tonight."
She shook her head. "Nope. I'm going to have my hands full inside the bot tonight." Even as she spoke, she blushed brightly. "Not like that," she said softly, glancing sideways at Tara. "Are you going out with them?" she asked, hoping to distract him from her slip of the tongue.
She couldn't help feeling a stab of relief when she saw him grin at her briefly. "I can," he answered. "Do you think they need me?"
The redhead shrugged, feeling Tara's hand on her back, scratching lightly at her shoulders in a gesture of comfort. "Um," she breathed, "Yeah, I mean, Spike got really knocked around last night. He's going to be moving a little slowly tonight."
He sighed heavily, crossing his arms over his chest. "Okay. I guess I'll swing by Giles' place before dark. That is where he is, right? I was kind of expecting him to be here."
Willow and Tara exchanged glances and Tara smiled, gesturing toward the kitchen. "I, um, I'm going to go start on dinner. Xander, do you want to stay?"
He nodded. "Sure, Tara. Thanks."
She moved away from Willow slowly, pressing a kiss to her cheek before she let go of her hand and walking quietly toward the kitchen. Willow and Xander watched her go in silence, moving once she was out of sight. They took seats on the couch, leaning toward each other unconsciously, providing comfort without thought. "Dawn asked us to move in here, with her," Willow said softly.
"You're going to do it, right?" Xander asked. Willow nodded and he let out a deep breath. "Good. I think it will be good for all of you. Dawn needs you right now."
"She needs all of us," she said. "We all need all of us."
Xander nodded, swallowing thickly. "Yeah," he agreed softly. "You're right."
They were silent, and Willow turned to lean against him, his chin resting lightly against the top of her head. They knew that Dawn was the only one who could feel the pain of having lost a sister, but they could relate to losing their best friend, and they gravitated to each other for comfort as they had their entire lives. The witch let her eyes slide closed, trying to force her muscles to relax against him.
She couldn't have said how long they'd been sitting there, but her eyes opened as she heard Dawn come back downstairs, meeting her eyes. The teen hesitated at the base of the stairs, moving toward the couch and dropping into the armchair in silence. "Dawnie," Willow started. "I didn't mean…Tara and I didn't mean to hurt you. What you saw…"
"It's okay, Willow," Dawn sighed tiredly. "You guys are in love, and you just got Tara back the way she was. I didn't mean to…sorry, Willow."
The redhead leaned forward, her elbows on her knees. "Dawn, listen to me, okay? I love Tara, but it doesn't mean that we don't love you. You know that, right? We love you, Dawn. We're going to take care of you." She took a deep breath, her eyes seeing Tara lingering in the entryway. "I'm going to take care of all of us," Willow breathed, finding Dawn's eyes again. "I promise." Dawn swallowed thickly, nodding. "I'll take care of you," she repeated herself, blinking back tears.
Dawn turned her head as Tara cleared her throat softly. "Dinner's ready," she said, moving back into the kitchen without waiting for anyone.
Xander and Willow exchanged glances and Dawn waved them back, her thin shoulders slumped as she stood up. "Let me talk to her," she said. "I think I hurt her feelings earlier."
Tara was pulling plates out of the cabinet and she jumped in surprise when Dawn reached up beside her to collect glasses for them. "Dawn, you scared me," Tara said softly, feeling nervous, something she'd never gotten with Dawn.
"Tara, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said earlier. You and Willow…I know you guys love her too." Dawn took a shuddering breath, her eyes swimming with tears. "Please don't leave, Tara. Willow needs you, and we all need her."
Tara put the plates down immediately, drawing the younger girl into a tight hug, letting her cry against her shoulder. "I'm not leaving, sweetie. It's okay." She met Willow's eyes over Dawn's shoulder, tears sliding down her cheeks now.
Dawn was crying into her shirt, clinging to Tara. "It hurts so bad, Tara. She never wanted me. I should have stopped her. I shouldn't have let her jump. She was my sister! Xander and Willow! She was their best friend! She was the Slayer! She was Giles' Slayer! Mom died, and Buffy! Buffy was all I had left," she gasped, her sister's name shocking them all like a cold shower, or a slap to the face. "I'm all alone now," she whispered brokenly.
Tara hadn't noticed Willow or Xander moving, but they were suddenly there, their arms wrapping around them both. "You're not alone, Dawn," Xander said gruffly. "Buffy was part of all of us, our family. That includes you whether you like it or not."
She couldn't speak through her tears and Willow leaned her head against the taller girl's shoulder. "Family doesn't end at blood. Buffy was your sister, but she was mine too. I'm not ever going to forget that."
They stayed holding each other for several long minutes, tears drying cool and sticky on their faces. Dawn took a shaky breath, and Tara let her go slowly. "Buffy loved you, Dawn. You were her world," she whispered.
Dawn shook her head, fresh tears in her eyes. "I was the Key, Tara! You got hurt, she died, because I was the Key!"
"Buffy knew what she was doing," Xander told her, squeezing his eyes closed, his voice thick with tears. "She knew before we ever went to that tower that it was going to be her, or the end of the world. She never would have let you die, Dawn."
Willow took a shaky breath, knowing that Xander was telling the truth, but it didn't diminish her guilt that she'd expended too much energy bringing Tara back, that she might have been able to do something if she'd only had more power, more time, been less distracted. Her eyes found Tara and her guilt was drowned in love. She hated herself for it, but no matter the cost, she couldn't regret getting Tara back. Tara met her eyes, and could instantly see her lover's pain, a worried frown on her lips. Willow let her look linger for a moment before she schooled her face back into her carefully constructed mask of coping.
Tara sighed, letting her forehead lean against Dawn's head. "Dawn…"
"It's fine, guys. I'm not going to break," the younger girl interrupted. "I need you guys though. Please…"
"We're not going anywhere, Dawnie," Willow promised quietly. She combed her fingers through Dawn's long straight hair. "Come on, let's get something to eat," she prompted softly. "Xander's going to need to get to Giles' soon."
They moved away from each other, letting Dawn out of their tight embrace. Dawn didn't talk, just resumed gathering the glasses. Xander took a few from her, and Willow collected a pitcher of tea from the fridge. They ate in silence, the sun sinking lower in the sky outside. Dawn retreated back upstairs after picking at her food, reluctantly eating just enough to keep Willow and Tara from complaining. Xander's exit gave her an excuse to go back to her room, leaving the witches alone downstairs.
Willow lingered in the dining room after helping Tara clean up their dishes from dinner, her eyes locked on the bot on the coffee table. Tara sidled up beside her, squeezing her hand gently. "I know you have to work on the robot," she said softly. "But would it bother you if I laid on the couch and just watched? I'll be quiet."
Willow pressed a kiss to her cheek, thumb stroking gently over her skin. "Sweetheart, you could never bother me. You don't have to be quiet. I'd love it if you'd stay in here with me." She led Tara to the couch, watching as she got comfortable, tucking her under a blanket tenderly. "Okay?" she asked quietly, sitting on the edge of the couch and gently tracing the shape of Tara's face.
"Thank you," Tara whispered, shifting to look up at her. "Are you okay? I saw your face when Xander was talking…"
Willow glanced uncomfortably at the robot wearing her best friend's face, sighing heavily. "Tara…"
"You promised you'd talk to me, Willow," the blonde responded. "Please…"
"I traded my best friend…" Willow whispered, still without looking at her.
Tara's heart broke, and she squeezed her eyes closed tightly. "For me…Will, I'm so sorry…"
Willow shook her head, drawing in a shuddering breath. "I hate myself…" she whispered, not caring about the tears that were sliding down her cheeks. "Tara, I do," she protested as the blonde shook her head. "Because I don't regret it. Even knowing that it cost us all Buffy, I can't change that I would have done it the same way every time."
Tara's hand on her leg drew her eyes and Willow let out a deep breath at the steel in Tara's eyes. It'd always been there, and she'd long been familiar with her partner's determined expression, infinitely more compelling than her own resolve face, but it'd never been shown so openly before. Lots of things were different now, since the Slayer was gone.
"You did not kill Buffy," Tara said. "I was there, Willow. I was out of my mind for most of it, but I was there, and I saw what happened. Even if you hadn't saved me, Buffy was going to jump off that tower. There was nothing you could have done. Period."
Willow's mouth opened, tears sliding faster down her cheeks now, and Tara sat up quickly, kissing her hard. The redhead responded in kind, holding Tara to her tightly. "I can't lose you, Tara. I can't do it," she groaned as the kiss broke, her face buried in Tara's shoulder.
"I'm not going anywhere," Tara panted, breathing hard. "It wasn't your fault, Willow." Her hand slid into the back of her lover's hair. "I'm so sorry you feel like you had to choose between us."
Willow swallowed thickly. "I'm not sorry I chose you, Tara. Don't ever think that," she whispered.
"Shh," Tara hushed her. "I don't. I'm just sorry you feel like that was a decision you had to make." She pressed a kiss to Willow's hair. "I never wanted to hurt you like that."
Willow pulled back quickly, shaking her head. "Tara, no. Baby…"
"Willow…" Tara started to speak only to pause at the look on Willow's face. "We don't have to talk about this."
The redhead blinked, surprised. "But you said…you said we needed to talk…"
Tara's fingers slipped slowly through Willow's hair. "I don't know if you're ready to talk about this," she said regretfully. "It's too soon."
Willow shook her head stubbornly. "Tara, you need to know that I would've done anything to get you back."
"But you think that it was your choice that cost Buffy her life, and it wasn't. There was nothing you could have done, Willow," Tara answered immediately. Willow's jaw dropped to argue her side, stopping as Tara's hand slipped over her open mouth. "Shh, this is what I mean. We're still too close to this. We need to give it some time."
Willow leaned forward into Tara's hand, curling her fingers around Tara's palm, sliding it over her cheek. "I don't know if I can give it time. The more time I give it, the longer she's….gone."
Tara gave her a confused frown. "Willow…" She wanted to argue that every minute was just another minute that Buffy would be…gone, but the thought was too morbid and depressing. None of them needed more morbid and depressing. They were doing both of those well enough on their own. She finally just sighed heavily, curling her fingers through Willow's hair, pulling her closer, her lover's face pressing against her shoulder. "I love you, Willow," she whispered. She pressed a kiss to the side of Willow's face she could reach.
They were silent for a long while, Willow's tears drying on Tara's shirt. She could feel herself retreating inside, her soul rejecting the pain of losing Buffy, of everything that had happened. She needed to control the situation, control what she could. She knew what Tara would think about that, what Tara would say about that, and she tried to choke it down.
"You should work on the bot," Tara whispered. "Thank you for looking after me."
That wasn't strictly what had happened, but Willow knew immediately what Tara was doing, giving her something that she could control, something only she could do. And to top that, she'd pushed credit for calming her down back onto herself. "Tara…thank you. It's not enough to say, but thank you…"
Tara could hear Willow's frantic tone, voice rising in pitch, and she hushed her gently, taking a soft kiss. "Love, Willow, it's okay. You don't have to thank me. Just keep talking to me, and we'll be together, and it'll be…" She hesitated. Okay wasn't the right word, or good. "…better," she decided.
"It's got to be," Willow whispered in a voice loaded with bitterness. She lifted her head slowly to glare at the robot. "Any worse and we'll all be dead." Tara swallowed thickly, leaning back slowly so she was again lying on the couch, unconsciously drawing away from Willow. The redhead sighed in frustration, hitting herself on the forehead with the heel of her hand. "Tara, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I'm just losing it a little, I think, but I'll get it under control. It'll get…better."
Tara nodded, yawning uncontrollably. "Not everything has to be under your control, you know," Tara said softly, fighting sleep.
Willow leaned forward, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I know that."
Tara murmured, nudging her face up toward Willow. "Real kiss," she mumbled, eyes closed as one hand moved up slowly to tap her lips.
Willow smiled against her skin, helpless to resist. Tara's lips parted to meet hers and Willow pressed between them slowly, leaning on her elbow to get closer. They parted for breath and Willow shifted herself onto the couch, stretching her body on Tara's. "Okay?" she checked, kissing her again softly. "Too heavy?"
"You've barely eaten in a week," Tara whispered. "You're losing weight, Will." Her hands traced over her girlfriend's sides, feeling her ribs as she dragged her nails up. Willow squirmed, feeling a shiver run down her spine. "It's not wrong to let people take care of you," she said quietly. "Let me." Her lips were dragging against Willow's as she spoke, and she leaned her head up to connect their lips more firmly.
Willow nodded quietly after several long, slow minutes as Tara let her lips go. "I'll do my best," she whispered. "But Tara…"
"I know you have to take care of everybody else, but just let me take care of you," the blonde whispered, taking another kiss. Willow moaned her agreement into their kiss, feeling Tara's arms curl around her. They separated after a few more long minutes, Willow nuzzling into Tara's shoulder, her body relaxing on top of Tara. "I know you need to work," Tara breathed quietly. "I'm probably about to fall asleep," she continued, one arm belying her words as she curled it around Willow's shoulder, holding her close. "I can let you go."
Willow let herself slip to Tara's side, snugly between her girlfriend and the back of the couch, her eyes closing. "Please don't," she mumbled softly. A tug had the blanket out from between them and their hands worked together to tuck Willow under it. They were both asleep within minutes, exhausted but together.
