2
"Babe, Captain Cragen is on the phone. Again." Kathy stepped into the bathroom and poked her head around the shower curtain. It had been a week since the shooting and Elliot was refusing to speak to anyone from the department. He spent most of his time engaging in periods of intense activity like mowing the lawn or running, taking long showers and sleeping, coming to life only when the kids were home from school. When they left in the morning, he went back to bed and pulled the covers over his head until he thought of something that needed to be done around the house and then the cycle began again.
"I can't talk to him right now. " Elliot mumbled, his face turned up to take the full force of the water. No matter how long he showered he still felt dirty and unfit to be around other people. He knew it was a common for rape victims to compulsively shower after an attack and now he finally understood exactly how they felt. No amount of water could wash the filth away, but it didn't stop him from trying.
Kathy sighed and went downstairs to break the news to Cragen—again. When she returned to the second floor, Elliot was still in the shower. It had been over half an hour this time. She hesitated outside the half-open bathroom door for a minute, then stepped inside the room and quickly undressed. She'd tried everything, from listening patiently as he described, over and over to her, the events of that day and second guessed himself, to letting him sleep and shower as much as he wanted without saying a word. When the kids were home, she made sure they kept him engaged, but even though he responded best to them, she saw the look of pain that crossed his face at times as he watched them go about their activities and knew he was thinking of Jenna Fox. Now, she crossed the room, pulled the shower curtain aside again and, before he could object, stepped inside to join him.
He was so deep in thought that it took him a minute to realize he was no longer alone and by then she had already picked up a bottle of shower gel and was soaping his back in long, luxurious strokes. He allowed himself to relax into the sensation for a minute and then turned to face her.
"What did Cragen say?" he asked.
"That he'll try again tomorrow." Kathy said simply. She didn't mention that the Captain had told her he didn't know how much longer he was going to be able to hold IAB off, and that if Elliot had any desire to hold onto his pension and benefits, he was going to have to come in and talk to them sooner rather than later. She poured more soap into her hand and began working on his chest, this time using circular motions. When she dipped her hand down lower, she heard him catch his breath and thought for a moment he would push her away. They hadn't been intimate since that terrible day; he was so lost in his own misery he hadn't even wanted to be touched. Instead of rejecting her, he closed his eyes and leaned his head forward until his forehead touched against hers. She stroked him until he was hard and heavy in her hand. He groaned and used one hand to tip her chin up so that her mouth met his. What followed was neither gentle nor sweet. His tongue probed her mouth almost angrily and sensing his mood, she bit at his bottom lip in return.
The stubble of his beard scraped against her face as they wrestled like teenagers for a few minutes, nipping, probing, and each fighting for control of the other's mouth. She could feel the tension in every muscle in his body as he pressed against her, hard, moving her back against the shower wall. He reached to take both of her hands in his and raised them over her head, pinning her to the wall. The hard length of his erection pressed into her stomach and brought a warm, wet rush of heat to her center. Raising one leg, she tried to position herself to take him inside her, but the difference in their heights made the angle impossible. He gave a low growl of frustration at her efforts and let go of her hands, sliding his own down to grasp her buttocks, allowing her to lift both legs and wrap them around his waist. This achieved the desired effect and he plunged into her with a force that took her breath away.
Her husband was usually a gentle and considerate lover but she had learned long ago that when he was bottling up emotions, he found release in physical activity and sex was one of them. A steady diet of rough sex would not have been to her liking, but an occasional interlude of it brought variety to their marriage. She loved knowing that it was one way she could help her emotionally-repressed husband cope with stress.
After, they both stood under the running water, gasping for breath. She rested her forehead against his chest and felt the wild thumping of his heart as he stroked the wet hair back from her face. When the water heater finally ran out of hot water and the spray turned to cold, they laughed and leapt out of the shower, grabbing for towels. It was the first time she'd heard him laugh in a week and she liked the sound of it.
That afternoon, Elliot was out in the yard, furiously hacking away at the hedge that separated their yard from the neighbors when a car pulled into the driveway. Knowing that Kathy had just left for the grocery store a few minutes ago, he turned to see if she had returned for something she'd forgotten.
He saw George Huang stepping out of a small black sports car. Instead of his usual suit and tie, he was dressed casually in jeans and a v-necked cotton sweater over a white t-shirt. Elliot frowned and turned back to the bushes, attacking them with a renewed vengeance.
"Hello, Elliot," said George behind him a minute later. He'd chosen to ignore Elliot's not-so-subtle body language.
Elliot took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and turned to face him.
"What are you doing here, George?" He asked his tone and scowl making it clear that the visitor was unwelcome.
"The Captain asked me to come out and talk to you," George replied in that gentle, even tone that Elliot found so infuriating at times and even more now. He glanced toward the house. "Is there somewhere where we can sit for a few minutes?"
Elliot sighed and wondered if the reason Kathy had decided to go shopping was because she knew about Huang's visit. He tossed the clippers down on the ground and led Huang around the side of the house to the back patio, motioning for him to take a seat at the table. Deliberately not offering any refreshments, he sat down heavily in the chair opposite the one that Huang chose and raised his eyebrows.
"So, it's your mission to "fix" me, Doc?" he asked in a sarcastic tone. "I still quit, nothing is going to change my mind about that."
"Elliot," George began softly and his understanding tone made Elliot want to reach across the table and cuff him. "I can only guess at what you're going through right now, but even if you're serious about quitting the department—and I hope you're not-you've got to come in and talk to IAB. You can't just walk away from the job with no consequences. Right now you're on administrative leave while they investigate the shooting, but they can't wrap that up until you give your statement. And if you don't cooperate soon, it's going to jeopardize your pension."
Elliot glared at him across the table. He knew he was right, but the thought of returning to the precinct and the scene of the shooting made him physically ill.
"So, what's going on with you?" George asked when he didn't get a verbal response. "How are you feeling?"
"How am I feeling?" Elliot scoffed. He pushed his chair back and stood up to pace the small patio area, bending over to pull some weeds in the flower bed around the perimeter. He turned back to face Huang, who sat waiting patiently, his face as inscrutable as always. "I feel like a pond scum. I shot and killed a child, one of our victims. I killed a girl my daughter's age that watched her mother get shot a few days ago and had so little trust in us that she felt she had to take justice into her own hands."
Huang said nothing, keeping his eyes fixed on Elliot as he paced and talked.
"And I am angry," Elliot continued. "Angry as hell that I had to do it. There was no reason for it. They never should have designed the new offices with that cage in the center; we all told them it was a bad idea. What was Olivia thinking, leading Jenna right to the perps? She had no business doing that—and then to show her the men that killed her mother and then just let her leave like she's going to be okay after that? What the hell was she thinking?"
"I think those are questions you have to ask Olivia," Huang said in that gentle tone. Elliot kept pacing.
"And why me? Olivia and Fin—neither of them even pulled their guns. I was the only one who reacted. I was the only one who even tried to stop her. Olivia just stood that and yelled at her, like she was going to listen to reason at that point. She didn't even try to defend herself. And who, who in the goddamn hell, let Jenna into the station with a gun in the first place?"
He stopped pacing and glared at Huang.
"That one I can answer," said Huang. "It turns out the metal detector downstairs was on the fritz and the uni who was assigned to search people as they came in the building did a slip shod job on Jenna. He saw a kid and made an assumption that she was okay. He didn't pat her down; he just made her open the front of her jacket. She must have had the gun tucked in the waistband of her pants, at the back. He's been fired."
Elliot gave a snort of derision. "For all the good it does now. Jenna is still dead. And I have to live with knowing that I killed her."
"From what I hear, you didn't have a choice," said Huang. "I've reviewed the statements, everyone is consistent in that you ordered her to drop the weapon and that she didn't."
"She started to," said Elliot wearily, dropping back into the chair. He'd been over this scene in his head a million times. "She was ready to put it down and then that fucking asshole Skinner started running his mouth off and she turned to shoot him. I should have let her do it. "
"You couldn't do that," Huang said firmly. "She'd already turned the gun on the room at large once; that's how Sister Peg was killed. There was no telling what she might have done after she shot Skinner. You did the only thing you could under the circumstances."
"And now I have to live with it for the rest of my life." Elliot said flatly. The two men sat in silence for a few long moments.
"You've had to use your weapon before in the line of duty," commented Huang. "How is this different?"
Elliot looked at him in amazement. "How is it different? Those other times—they were perps, they were going to shoot me if I didn't shoot first. Jenna—she wasn't a perp, she was the child of one of our victims."
"She became a perp when she picked up that gun and chose to shoot it." Huang pointed out.
Elliot shook his head, refusing to accept this point. "She was out of her mind with grief. "He said. "Her mother waited for over two years for justice on her rape charge, and then was killed before it even came to trial. Jenna watched her die. She didn't have faith in us that we'd bring her mother's killer to justice because we'd already let her down once."
"She still made a choice to take the law into her own hands." Said Huang. "She murdered three people in cold blood and seriously injured another."
"Skinner lived?" asked Elliot. He'd refused to read any of the coverage in the newspaper. "That figures."
"So, what now, Elliot? Are you seriously considering not returning to SVU?"
For the first time, Elliot let his eyes meet Huang's. The younger man saw the anguish in the depths of his blue eyes and etched in every line of the seasoned detective's face.
"I can't go back. I don't think I'll ever be able to pick up a gun again. I signed on for this job to help kids, not kill them."
George was silent for a few moments as he carefully thought out his words. "You've been through a pretty significant trauma, Elliot. It's likely that you're suffering from PTSD. What I would recommend is that you cooperate with the investigation and use the time while you're out on administrative leave to heal a little before you make that final decision. I can't stress highly enough that you need to be talking to someone about this. If you're not comfortable doing it with me, then I can recommend someone else not on the department. "
Elliot nodded. Kathy had been telling him the same thing. He'd toyed with the idea of calling Rebecca Hendrix, who'd helped him through a difficult time before, but he didn't want to share that with Huang.
"You don't have to come back to the precinct to meet with IAB. Go to their offices, or if that's not comfortable, ask that Tucker come out here. But meet with them."
Elliot stiffened at the thought of his nemesis Ed Tucker here in his home but recognized that Huang had a valid point. He couldn't put off talking to them indefinitely.
"I'll call Tucker today and set something up," he said reluctantly.
"And one more thing," George added, looking at Elliot to gauge his reaction. "Olivia's going through a rough time too, Elliot. It would really help her out if you would take her calls or get in touch with her."
At this, Elliot shook his head vehemently. "I can't do that. I can't talk to her right now. I'm too angry."
"It might help you both," George persisted. "You two worked the case together; it might help to work through the aftermath together too."
Again, Elliot shook his head. He couldn't think clearly about Olivia right now, let alone talk to her without exploding. They were supposed to be partners, they were supposed to have each other's backs, but why did it always seem that she was the one who froze when he needed her to be strong? He knew he wasn't in a place to be objective yet about who was at fault that day.
"No," he repeated, as much to himself as to Huang. "I can't."
Olivia was sitting at her desk when Huang returned to the squad room. She saw him working his way across the room to her and for a second, had a desire to make a quick bolt to the locker room so she didn't have to hear what he had to say.
"How did it go?" she asked when he drew near. She knew Cragen had asked the psychiatrist to drive out to Queens and try to talk to Elliot, or at least assess his condition. Cragen was caught between a rock and a hard place, wanting to protect his detective and yet needing to comply with IAB and One PP.
"Let's go into one of the conference rooms," George suggested. He waited while she slowly rose from her desk and headed to the nearest interrogation room. It couldn't' be good news, or he'd have told her right at her desk.
"He's not ready to talk to anyone yet," George said gently when the door was closed and they were both seated. "I persuaded him to meet with IAB and let them conduct their interview, but he doesn't want to see anyone from the SVU squad." He gave a short, dry laugh. "He was none too happy to see me. He was attacking some poor bushes in his front yard with hedge clippers and I was almost afraid to approach him."
Olivia was very familiar with Stabler-rage. "He won't even talk to me?" she asked in a low voice. George hesitated and then reached across the table to take her hand.
"Especially not you, Olivia. He has a lot of anger right now. He needs to work through it before he can talk to you."
"Especially not me," she repeated dully. She looked at Huang, her brown eyes brimming with tears. "He blames me, doesn't he?"
She'd already taken heat from Tucker and 1PP for her actions in allowing a family member access to suspects before they'd been arraigned. She realized they had a point. It had been a relief to be able to tell Jenna that they had her mother's killers in custody and she'd thought it would give the girl some closure to see them. At the time, the last thing on her mind was the right or safety of those scumbags. It should have been a tip-off when the girl asked "Where are they?" but she'd been so distracted by all that was going on that she didn't take the time she should have to assess Jenna's state of mind as she left. And then, when the shooting started, she froze. She just froze. She couldn't process the fact that a sweet young girl was shooting up their squad room fast enough to go for her weapon. Then Sister Peg was on the ground and that was that. It had all happened so fast. She'd left Elliot to handle it all on his own. When she saw the look of horror in his eyes as he crouched next to Jenna's body, she knew how devastated he was by the action he'd forced to take. She'd known immediately that having shot a child would destroy him. All she wanted to do was to be able to apologize for her part in it, to beg his forgiveness, to comfort him, but he wouldn't even take her calls. He wanted nothing to do with her.
George shrugged. "He mostly blames himself, Olivia, but he has a lot of anger in general. That she managed to get upstairs with a gun, that the cages were out in the open and unprotected, that he was the only one who responded with force. He has a lot to work through."
Olivia nodded, trying to control the tears that threatened to spill. She'd spent the last week on autopilot, going through the motions on the outside but feeling numb and terrified on the inside. IAB hadn't suspended her because she hadn't fired her weapon, but she'd been interviewed several times and called on the carpet by Cragen and the Chief of D's. One PP had already issued an edict that the cages were to be moved to a more secure area of the precinct but there was no undoing the damage that had already been done. She wanted, needed her partner here, but he was unavailable to her, perhaps forever. She looked at Huang.
"Is it still talking about quitting?"
Huang nodded. "He is. I think I persuaded him to wait until IAB concludes their formal investigation. He's on leave until then anyway, and I hope, in the meantime, he'll get some help dealing with his feelings about this." He hesitated, not sure how much to share. "He's hurting, Liv. I've never seen him look so…shattered."
Liv knew exactly what he meant. Shattered was the perfect word to describe what had happened to all of them. The Jenna Fox shooting had shattered SVU into a million little fragments and she doubted that they'd ever go back to what they'd once been.
