Until you drown

Warning: ANGST.

Disclaimer: Naruto is Kishimoto's.


When he offers you help in the name of friendship, all you can do is remain frozen, and listen to the bullshit that comes out of his mouth. When he wants to be your rival, your savior, your demise, your killer, and your sacrifice in the the name of that same friendship, all you can utter is the question: "Why?"

And all he does is keep on pouring you with affection, with an honest smile, and claim friendship as he chats you up, avoiding to cause you pain when you return to sanity and treats you like you are some normal person in this village when everybody around you knows you are not.

He likes you, you know that and he offers friendship like nobody ever has before because he is in some type of misinterpretion that sheer loneliness can be stopped by the power of friendship only.

You both are companions and you will not deny that it is 'fun' to hang out with him. You feel more open and for some time, you convinced yourself that he was right; that friendship can rid away the loneliness because you are almost normal again - smiling again.

But that is not what fulfills you. You are still empty and you feel the emptiness sometimes, wretching its way into your chest, digging a hole. You try to fill it up by meaningless hope but it doesn't keep you warm long enough. Before you know it, it becomes a routine. Watching his smile- his lips with some interest you never thought you had been thinking about when staring. It was easy not to notice the physical attachment that your heart so desired.

You are so afraid to love, to want, to desire that even the thought of it is banished before it can become into a concrete admittance. So, when Kyuubi disturbs your life with its' lust and hunger, you are left feeling those feelings so hard that you almost lose yourself and they don't even have time to banish before Kyuubi gives the physical attachment something literal to stand for.

And you cannot deny the literal when it kisses you, when it licks you all over, when it tears you apart with sheer desire, and when it enters you.

It had done the deed so consistently that you have lost count of how many times you moaned, and arched for his body, and that beast. And it gets worse because you've gotten used to it.

Then, once when you think you're over with the guilt and stress of it- evading it so hard that it hardly feels like a crime anymore- the brunt of what had been done comes back to bite at you.

"Did Kyuubi do this to you?" He asks, looking so angry that you feel fear and panic before anything else. His fingers trace lines over the fresh scars on your skin. Your shirt lies on the ground, ripped to pieces because he aggressively forced it off you minutes before he came. He had entered a while ago, looking so distressed that you weren't able to figure out what had happened until he asked the query in a deeply shaken voice.

When you stay silent with wide surprise clear on your face, his hands tremble at your skin before they pull away- recoiling back as if bitten.

"I-I can't believe-" you're waiting patiently for the inevitable disgust and hatred to come out of his mouth as you close your eyes slowly. "I can't believe Kyuubi did that! I- I'm so sorry, Sasuke."

Your eyes shoot open, staring at him with you know what is almost bafflement because he should be doing the opposite. He should be blaming you. He shouldn't be apologizing. Maybe, it had been Kyuubi in the beginning but they had fully both taken part in the nightly activities. It wasn't just that beast. It was the beast howling beneath your skin too. You were purely darkness, blanketed in black silk, hidden secretly under the very core of your heart and only then would the darkness overcome you when it held you. You could sink teeth too if you wanted, only you never actually did, in fear that he would notice the marks on his skin when conscious.

There is a knot on your throat as his blues glare in frustration, not at you but somewhere past you.

"I can't- shit, he just had to make you the target." Naruto said, before looking you over as you back away from him. "Sasuke?"

And just like that, he's forgiven me. Just like that. You think as you glare at the ground for its incomprehensible fault.

And he reaches out and touches you. You feel the touch with a flinch and slap his hand away. He looks hurt and you feel unsettled, upset at the response and you want to apologize without thinking about it but you're not supposed to feel like that. This isn't your fault. Not your fault that he's hurt because you rejected his touch. It's too late to reject it since you've embraced it in the past continuously, you know but you can't help the feeling of staying away from whose hand warms you up to the the deepest pit and it gives you hell to know that the touch that is given to you is only a mild gesture of friendly concern.

He cares for you. He's a dear friend but he doesn't feel the desire you feel. He likes girls; you know he has a girl he prefers too and you can't be blinded by just the gestures of his care because care is not the only part of a fullfilling relationship. You know you would die if you even thought about your craving for more of his touch because you keep on wanting more and more of it and he doesn't even blame you and your friendship hasn't been ruined by those night adventures yet, you're not ready to give up or accept anything. You are confused, you don't know what you're supposed to do now. Act- pretend that whatever had happened was something you had not intentionally wanted? That would be; hard.

Difficult. You can imagine the loneliness, the coldness of once again sleeping in soltitude, in darkness- of never having those fingers slide along your back in a soothing manner after the sex was over and done with. To feel your eyelids close halfway, blearily notice the tan skin so close to you and then, fall asleep to his lips.

It made you wonder: What did you need anyway?

He always told you that Konoha was the place you belonged to and you acknowledged you did. You had been doing well enough, you had thought, oblivious to the sealed feelings before you were attacked and forced open- vulnerable against ministrations and penetration that cut and yanked- what had been so precious- out of your chest before you could defend yourself against it. But that had been fine because no human knew or saw those feelings out in the open. The only one who noticed it before seeing it was the monster that lived inside him. A cunning, cruel creature that knew whatever you had been feeling even when you had been defying it so effectively.

Such feelings should be banished, you'd thought about it, you had decided resolutely to do it as well but the more it kept coming back, the less that resolution remained until there was no inch of resistance anymore and you were drowning in an open sea, floating with arms relaxed by your side and your head inclined to the right, melting and melting until you were only weak bones and lazy mounds of flesh.

"Sasuke?" He doesn't have a choice but to grab your shoulder and he's calling for you, urgently, blue eyes looking so deeply worrisome that you wish to ease the furrowing lines from the tip of your finger. You want to ease the tension that's built around him; the way his eyebrows remain scrunched and how his bones are stiff as he grips your shoulder, touch relunctunt.

Before you know it, you're thinking you want to save him the trouble of worrying over it like the moron he was and because you know him so well, you blurt out: "It's alright. It doesn't matter." you look away because you can't face him while lying. Doesn't matter? Yeah, right. This is the defining moment of your life, a moment that you had feared and anticipated for months and now that it was here, you are treating it just like you treated any other moment. How cruel can you be to yourself, Sasuke?

"No! It matters, you ass." he shouts, looking horrified by your dismissal. "I shouldn't ever have kept a loose leash on Kyuubi when I slept. I trust Kyuubi now that we have made a pact to fight together and I thought it would be alright to let him go on his adventures when I was in deep sleep but I never thought he would go as far as force you, my best friend." you can only blink at the self-loathing on his face and wonder again: "Why?" but you don't say it out loud this time because questions like these always get one answer.

"I'm- I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am." he is still apologizing and you feel lost. What to do? What to say? You feel hope everytime he shows his feelings for you so intensely, knowing that it is only a moment and nothing more than that. You are helpless against his voice, against his concerned blue eyes as they gaze at you with such deep emotion. You are losing it and that isn't like you. You look away.

Your teeth are gritting, your fists clenched as you speak: "There's no need to apologize, Naruto. It's fine. I'm fine. I wasn't put in any type of harm and Kyuubi didn't do anything extreme."

"Harm?" you realize what you had said before closing your eyes. "Sasuke, he's scarred you and I don't even know what else he's done to... other parts of you." he's looked away, you notice as you open your eyes. "I-I can't even-"

"Naruto." you're angry suddenly. He's treating you like a girl and apologizing as if it's his fault and you wish it was somehow, but it's not. "Stop it. I don't need your apologies. What's happened has happened. You can't change it. And it has been happening for a while now so I don't care anymore."

He's silent and then, he's fuming again. "He's humiliated you and you already have been through so many crazy things, he's added up one more thing. I'm worried for your mind, Sasuke." He looks so serious about what he's saying that you frown at him, confused. "Oh, come on, like you don't already know that you're mentally insane. You have such a personality that I keep on thinking you're on the verge of falling into that darkness again."

You feel your eyes widen as his words process through you and you are reminded again of how unpredictable this man has always been. He knows where you are and doesn't talk about it, just keeps on watching you from the corner of his eyes, keeping an eye if you are too close to falling and you realize that even if you start on falling again, he will catch you just in time. He knows you. He sees you.

And there goes the battle of logic and hope within you. Logic loses. And hope comes undone.

You're interwined with a rush of feelings as if vines enrapturing your legs, prowling around your waist and your arms- your hands suddenly have a mind of their own.

Naruto glances at your hands as they settle on his chest, palms feeling the heat beneath the fabric of his shirt. "Sas-"

"Shh." Your voice is lost, and that's the only thing you can say. You bite your lips as your stare lingers on the strained muscles on his neck. "It's not Kyuubi's fault. It's not anyone's. May-" you look up into deep blues. "Stop worrying that much, you'll get bald." you lick your lips and push at his chest, pulling away from him. "If anything were to happen to me, it would have already happened. But look, I'm still the same."

And maybe, it's the way you say it that really feels wrong but now he is staring, more intensely, more searching, and darker. You feel his aura change before anything else and then, you're backed into one corner. You gulp because his face is uncomfortably close to yours, breathing down on you and you notice that there is no red in his eyes. Just blue- dark blue.

"I'm looking, Sasuke. I'm always looking." he whispers harshly, cutting your throat with his words- his voice. "And you're not the same. I knew something was wrong with you for a while now and- and this is- I- you're hurt, Sasuke." he says with a sigh and you feel your eyes enlarge. "You're hurt emotionally, I know it. I feel it. I-"

"Naruto, stop. Stop it. Stop- just stop." you want him to stop- keep his mouth shut so you don't do anything in the spur of the moment that you might regret. It is potentially dangerous territory and you feel like a foreign stranger in this man's gaze. You are determined to not let your urges take control.

He glares at you for your words in return to your pleads, looking so angry that you wonder but your curiosity doesn't last long because the next moment, he's blurting it all out:

"I love you, you insufferable ass!"

And there is shock; there is a deeply slow surging of happiness that you stop before it can strip you apart from your flesh and leave you naked in its loss. But it's already a bit late because the warmth has reached your cold veins and the hope has coiled to impossible heights. You do not believe him, you do not believe it at all but you know that some part of you does and you're torn in between, trying to fight two suffocating feelings.

"Wh-what?" you question, deliberately innocent, blinking at him in confusion because you want to show him that you do not believe him. You're searching for any signs of lies yet, you do not see any; just a somber expression wore on without any marks of inflection. You feel ashamed then because you're doubting him. Naruto- the person whose saved you so many times that you owe him your whole life, every pore of your feelings, every worth of you- if he just asks.

You let go of your fists, releasing them with a grimace as you stare at the ground. You've responded almost automatically, you've repressed every urge and halted emotions that were reaching out; how ice-cold of you.

When had you become such a defeated man?

Surpressing yourself in such a way that your hands have become cold. How noble of you to surpress? What are you doing? What is he doing? Why are you-

And then, something utterly unexpected happens. He grabs the hem of your shirt and pulls you with a glare. "If you don't believe me, I'll prove it to you."

A kiss by it had always left a bitter sense in you so you've always tried to avoid during your activities. But whenever it had managed to get a kiss out of you, it had always been rough and biting. You would admit that it turned you on, but only just that. Naruto's kiss was different. He kissed like a caring lover; firmly, confidently yet very softly. Much softer than it. He was perfect, not because of just how good he was but because you chose him.

You respond to him, grabbing his shoulders and closing your eyes, the restrained part of you screaming inside that this wasn't right but to the contrary, the kiss felt so right that nothing could control you anymore.

"Sasuke." He touches your waist, pulling you in and breathing heavily, his forehead leans on your neck as you realize that he's crying. Embracing you tightly, he keeps you bone-crushingly against every part of him, interwined so intimately. You feel his tears and his shaky breaths as he sobs. "Ah. Ugh."

You know he's trying to keep the tears to himself, to restrain the sobs but the emotional tumult is messing with his control just like it is doing to you. You understand his feelings, standing there constraining yourself from moving as he struggles for a posture that's not so fanatical. As he sniffs and rubs his wet eyes away, pulling back, you watch his forehead, worried as they wrinkle in frustration, red veins popping out and contrasting against his golden skin. He looks so agitated that you can't help but think that this has been more of a stress to him than you. Because you are the type of person who refuses to feel. You clutch the door knobs and lock the place automatically when your mind alerts you of times when something is going to hurt and that big door helps you supervise half of all the insanity and madness that revolves around the life that is yours.

Only he would be stupid enough to worry and go crazy over others while also dealing with his own stress. You hate it sometimes, the way his life isn't his anymore because you and others keep on concerning him with your instability. It is true that sometimes you need someone else to help deal with things but that didn't mean that you needed to be such a big burden on the one that's always been helping you.

He always strives to be the best- the Hokage. But he's never looked so torned down. What are you doing, Sasuke? You're lowering his guard, you're making him miserable, why?

"Naruto-"

"I'm sorry." he says, pushing a hand at your face, stopping you from speaking and you feel a frown tugging at your lips. You want to speak when all this time you have been avoiding this part of your confrontation but now, he's stopping you. How longer will you be torturing this person? "I just- I get emotional quickly. Sorry. It's just..." he rubs at his eyes, sniffing again before looking at you with his hands going back at his side. "I love you, you know that, right?"

"I do now." you say quickly before he can speak again because he's the type who would start babbling randomly when he gets nervous. And he is so straightforward that you're meant to change your tone a bit from stern and blank to something morderately warm and caring. Morderately, of course. "Naruto, I know and I'm sorry for being such a distress to you. You don't deserve the worry, it is all- so stupid."

You are stupid. You are so stupid.

"What's stupid?"

"I am."

"Oh." Naruto looks rattled by this before he says quietly: "I never thought there would be a day where you'd call yourself stupid."

You glare at him. "Not dead-last stupid like you. Just- my stupid." you add in defensively before getting right to the point. "Listen, I don't know how to do this. I just- I will say, truthfully, that my encounter with Kyuubi was not-" you're searching for a word as you stare into his waiting gaze. "-undesirable."

There, you've given him something. your mind provides with some amusement and relief.

"Um." Naruto looks befuddled, scratching at his neck before scrunching his face. "Desirable? Kyuubi? Didn't he rape you?"

"No." you add automatically, your ears warming over the inquiry. "H-he may have the intention, I suppose. He just didn't go with it." Naruto cocks his eyebrows upward, looking strangely adorable. "I didn't let him."

"You didn't let him?" Naruto's lips are twitching in what you can guess is an oncoming smile and you hold the urge to sigh.

"Don't underestimate me. Sure, Kyuubi's powerful but like hell he can force me into something without any difficulty. I crushed a lot of bones but it healed them before I could escape and then, I had to use poison kunai which did affect it a little but, not for long." his eyes augment with every word you utter and he looks so shocked and amused by it that you are shaking your head in embarrassment. "It had to take a lot of courtship methods before it just went the only way that has ever defeated my defense. It used surprise as an element to-"

"Yeah, about that." Naruto interjects, and you look at him. "I think that might have been- me, maybe" you're staring, you know that but you can't move. You're frozen to a spot and you can see fresh guilt return on his face. "I didn't intend it. It just- happened." he looks guiltier with every moment that passes by you staring intensely at him. You don't say a word and you can see the nervousness, the sweat, the fidgetness before he finally explodes.

"Okay! So maaybee, part of what Kyuubi had been doing was subconsciously my doing because I've had been in love with you for some time and my desire added with the sexual tension, Kyuubi got all wise-shit on me and tried to do you while I dreamt of-" he flushes red as he sees your stony face again and puts a palm on his face. "-of you."

You're amused by this before you can decide what your feelings are to the new details but then, you don't think you care much either way.

"I see." are your words when you find your tongue again. "Does that mean- you-"

He shifts his eyes back and forth, nervously before nodding. "I didn't realize it was real. I thought it was a dream, all of it. You know, holding you and- anyway, as Kyuubi held you, I was aware of it in my mind. I could feel your skin, feel every spike of pleasure, every moment. But only feel it. I couldn't see, maybe I could hear too but I'm not too sure which of them was a figment of my imagination and which was real."

You stare at his figure wistfully, so overwrought by what has occured between you two. "Do you-" he glances up. "Do you want to find out?" his eyebrows furrow. "Which one's real and which one's just imagination." his eyebrows separate from their places, widening on the mass of skin that was his forehead before a smile slides across his face.

"I'd like that." he says, coming closer to you, pulling you with his arms. "To be honest, I've been rather jealous of Kyuubi for a while now."

Me too. You murmur in your mind as your lips meet his with a smile.


A/N: All hail Kyuubi, the match-maker. Bah!

Anyway, thank you for the reviews!

Azu-Hikari, phew! Love you and wish to extuingish your hell with this.

Oh boy, a big wait huh?

THIS STORY IS FINISHED. ENDED. THE FUCKING END. EMINEM ROCKS! YEAH! XD