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The next day, everyone in Gryffindor was pissed at him. Everyone. He had tried apologising, but that didn't seam to cut it. He was going to have to give them an explanation.
They were all sitting down at breakfast and even Hermione was blanking him. "I'm sorry." He said again. No one responded. "it's just…in the box. Were letters. From my mum." For a second everyone gaped at him, before there was an explosion of "what?" and "but she's dead-" and "you can't be serious!"
"I really am sorry, I just…i-" Harry tired again.
"it's okay." Dean finally said. "I guess it is kind of understandable. I didn't know."
"but harry." Hermione chimed in. "how?" Harry took a deep breath, and tried to explain it all as quickly as possible. "apparently she knew some of what was going to happened, and so she made this box for me and gave it to professor Snape to give to me." "wow." Someone said finally.
"so...how are you?" Neville asked. To be honest, he felt like shit and having the whole house stare at him wasn't helping. "I'm-" he was about to say fine, but thought about it for a second. If he were to tell them how bad he did feel they might lay off of him for a while. And he needed that.
"awful. To be honest. I know it should be a good thing. And it is. But its still…" He broke off not really sure what to say. They all just continued to stare at him.
"yeah. i..think I'm going to go now. And I really am sorry." And with that he left the hall.
That whole weekend flew by him, he didn't really do anything apart from look at the letters, he didn't open any more, he just looked. It was so strange, he normally felt empty and cold, and that was still how he felt most of the time, but it was being punctured with grief, loss and pain, and to be honest, it almost made him feel a bit sea sick.
And although he didn't open any of the big letters, he did look at some of the objects. The rose in particular. It was a single red rose with a note tied around it that read;
Dear Harry, this is the rose your father gave me on our first date! He took me to a beach, we had a picnic somehow he managed to talk professor Slughorn into it. Anyway, he gave me the rose, and played Frank Sanatra. We had champagne and walked along the beach barefoot together. I feel in love with him then, and now I love him just as much, if not more. I want you to know we have a very loving relationship.
Love you, mum
God, wow. His heart did funny things when he looked in the box, and reading that one in particular. It sort of felt like it was expanding, and made him shake softly. He had been given such a small gift, a short letter, but it made him ache. They felt closer now, even though he knew they weren't really.
His parents sounded really sweet. He smiled, thinking his father sounded very dapper. But then he sighed.
There were a couple of things he needed to talk to Snape about. For one thing there was a letter in here to him. A letter for Severus, in Harry's box. Which Harry felt extremely possessive about. But there were also letters to Petagrew and siri, and what was he meant to do with those?
Grudgingly, he stated to write a letter of his own. It was what his mother wanted and he didn't feel he could not give snape his letter. Even though it felt a bit unfair, at least Snape had got to talk to her.
Dear Professor Snape,
I was wondering if I could talk to you concerning some of the contents of the box, I would very much appreciate it.
Harry Potter
Harry looked it over, deciding that it sounded remarkably mature and civil, but maybe he just didn't want to fight any more.
He received a reply later that day, equally civil and curt, inviting him to come down to Severus's quarters after dinner that night.
He ate his dinner nervously, looking at the teachers table every five minutes, trying to gauge what mood Severus was in.
Finally, Severus left, and after a few minutes, Harry followed. He knocked three times before being bid to come in to his professors private rooms. "As much as I loathe having you here I can't imagine it would be easy to do this in my office, and my class room simply wouldn't do." Severus said, warily watching his student.
Harry was grateful that he was here, he was feeling particularly raw, and the potions office, with its slimy things in jaws always nauseated Harry on the best of days.
"Thank you professor." He sat down gingerly on an old, but nice looking black chair.
"sit down why don't you?" Severus asked sarcastically. "sorry." Harry blurted out, jumping up. Severus just rolled his eyes and motioned for Harry to sit down again.
"now." Severus said, sitting down on the green velvet couch. This too looked old, but in a tasteful, antique way. It was embroidered with a criss-cross pattern of silver and had the softest looking pillows Harry had ever seen.
"what did you want to talk about?" Severus demanded. Harry sat up a bit straighter and answered the best he could. "well, a few things, if that's all right. Firstly, there was a letter, addressed to you." Severus rose his eye brow, the only indication that he was surprised.
"um, but there was also one to Petigrew, and…my god father." For some reason, Harry didn't really want to say his name out loud to Severus, as if it would anger him. When Severus didn't say anything, Harry continued. "and I don't know what I should do with them."
There was another pause and then Severus finally spoke. "well, I don't think anyone would care if you read them. And they might be the easiest for you to start out with. Have you…got very far yet?"
"no sir, i…decided to take your advice. I'm going slowly." From the faint blush on Harry's cheeks, Severus could deduce the real story.
"well, you may want to start there. Although I will have mine." "of course, sir" Harry said, pulling it out of his robes and handing it to him.
Severus took it and looked at him, clearly waiting for the next, carefully planned out question of Harry's. There wasn't one. He just awkwardly looked back.
"so um yeah…" Obviously that was Harry. "oh wait no." Severus just looked at him with a half amused half exasperated expression on his face. "um…do you know why…why there are no letters from my dad there?"
Severus shifted and pursed his lips, and harry immediately regretted the question. For some reason he didn't want to piss Snape off too much. Probably because he knew he would have more questions later. But Harry wasn't to know that it was just discomfort playing across snapes face, and not anger.
"Well, he was not a religious man at all, in direct contrast with your mother. He didn't believe her when she told him what would happen, and didn't endorse what he thought was "senseless worrying" on her part. But I believe that there is at least one letter from him." Harry nodded, feeling relived, not realising until now how afraid he was that he father hadn't written because he blamed harry. Which was stupid, he knew, but…
"what religion was she?" For the first time Severus looked truly surprised. "Well, there is really only one religion in the magical world. There are different strains, and different cultures have different takes, but…we just call it "the old ways"." Harry blushed, feeling guilty, feeling he should have known that already.
"isnt that a bit odd?" he asked after a moment. "that she, the muggle, followed the wizarding religion, and he, the pure blood, was an atheist?"
Severus smiled softly, and Harry's utter amazement must of shown because then Severus looked away and chuckled, almost at Harry, almost with him.
" I believe that at first Lilly was interested in the old ways because…his family was. I know that she felt that she had to impress them, convince them that she really was a witch."
"but…they were okay with muggles right? I mean they were Gryffindors!"
Severus rolled his eyes. "yes. They didn't have anything against them, but they certainly didn't expect their son to marry one. And yes they got over it eventually, when you were born really, but there was…friction. At the start."
Harry nodded, feeling like he had been whacked in the chest. This friction didn't fit in with the fairy tale image he had of his family.
"Thank you professor." He said, rising. He felt like he had learnt enough for today. "yes. Well." Severus said, almost awkwardly. "if you have any other questions…perhaps I can answer them." It was as close as Harry was going to get to an invitation and they both knew it.
But Severus didn't expect him to come back so soon, only three days later.
Harry was back in the same chair as before, just as uncomfortable, but more hopeful.
" I havnt looked at any more letters yet." He confessed. "more?" Severus asked. "i..started one." And that blush was back on his cheeks. "didn't finish. I feel like I should know more about them, before I read such...intimate things." "very well." Severus said. Again, he waited for Harry to say more.
"so...um, what were they like?" Severus looked at him searchingly before declaring; "your father was an argent, conceded, prick." Immediately harry jumped up, anger at severus's words and a strange feeling of betrayal running though him "no he wasn't, if anything you-"
"Mr. Potter sit down." Severus snapped. "This is my point exactly, if you cant trust what I have to say then there's no point in my talking to you. Black and Remus were just as biased as I am, only in the other direction. If you're just going to ignore what I say, get out."
Harry blushed and looked at the floor. He was right, Harry was just going to have to trust him. Wich was going to be fucking weird "Sorry sir." Severus leaned back, rubbing his forehead. "why don't we start with your mother?" "yes, sir." Harry said. "so, how old were they? Or, well, was she?" "Well…she was 17 when she died, so he must have been…18, maybe 19."
"she was young!" Harry said in surprise. Another thing that wasn't the ways he expected it to be. "Mhm. And you were over a year old when she died." "that's…young for her to have a child I mean. Um, okay. So what...did she like, what did she do?"
"she was lovely. Everyone thought so, although she could really whip James when he wanted to. She…was a dancer of sorts, but she couldn't exactly preform when she was in hiding. She was very artistic, and as I said, religious." Harry dearly wanted to ask more about the religion, but he had Severus talking, and he was afraid of interrupting him. "She loved charms. The house was filled with nicknacks that she had enchanted to do silly things." Harrys throat tightened. "she…hated honey? Oh I don't know what else to tell you. Oh and she loved cats. Had a black and white cat called Zazzy. Allthough, she was just a kitten back then. She's getting old now"
"So she's still around?" "Yes. Your mother gave her to me the day before the attack. Another thing James wasn't at all happy about. Made me promise to give her back if it hadn't happened in a month."
"Do you…still have her?" Severus heard the unspoken request loud and clear and got up, disappearing into a door Harry hadn't noticed before.
Harry took the opportunity to have a quick look around, checking out the huge book case that lined one wall and the ornate fireplace, elegantly engraved with snakes. There was also a coffee table, which looked so impressive that Harry would have been afraid to put anything on it.
"I should have known the moment I left the room you would start snooping around." Harry blushed, harder than ever before. "Sorry professor." He scuttled back to his chair and caught a glimpse of a rare smile on Severus's face.
"Zazzy is out, probably hunting. And let me assure you that I did not chose that name for her."
"who did then?" Harry asked.
"Well…you actually. It was one of the few words you could say. I think your parents wanted to call her mittens, but you insisted." Harry smiled, but god dam it, even that hurt a little.
It must have shown because Severus sighed exasperatedly, but asked, in a surprisingly kind voice, if he was all right. "Yes..i just…i…" Harry buried his face in his hands, the first sign of distress he had shown in Severus presence. He took a deep breath and rested his chin on his fist, finally saying what he wanted to say ever since he was first given the box.
"I don't know if I want to know." He felt so guilty, but, this hurt just so much.
Severus nodded as if he had been expecting it. "that's understandable. It's relatively easy to love someone that's here, especially if you think they are going to stick around. To love someone you're never going to see again, at least not in this life is…tough." But this confused Harry more.
"I thought…I thought that I should be feeling so happy and grateful and everything. Everyone else seems to think it's such a great thing."
"Well. In a way, it probably is. But," and he said this very slowly, as if thinking it though carefully. "by reading those letters, you're deciding to build a relationship with them. And then, after that, it will be a different kind of loss that you have."
Harry smiled sadly. Yeah, once again his professor was right. And that helped, strangely, just having someone else acknowledge that it was tough.
Again, he thanks he professor profusely, and left.
