Flipside: Aftereffects
Chapter Two:
Well, This is Just Dandy
By Nan00k
"You're about as good at making friends as you were with passing Chemistry. You failed Chemistry, didn't you?"

Becky makes five new acquaintances and none of them like Barricade. Can you guess who they are yet? And actual violence! Hi, violence! :D

Yes, they live in Idaho. I don't. I apologize if I offend any Idaho residents with my lack of Idaho-state-knowledge. (Because come on, no one ever writes stories about Idaho! I wanted to be different…)

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Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness, spoilers for 2007 movie, first person point of view
Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.


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When Barricade said he wanted a house for him and Emily to share, and share alone, I misunderstood his idea of what "alone" meant. Instead of looking up advertisements for custom homes for sale or even lots of land in the newspaper or online like a sane person would, Barricade decided to have a more "hands-on" approach.

Like miniature road trip kind of approach.

"I have a paper due tomorrow in English class," I complained as I walked out my front door. Luckily, my sister was asleep and all my mother knew was that I was "going out with friends." She did not like Barricade, much to my delight, but ever since we made up all that fake website and brochure stuff, our alibi for knowing each other had been pretty tight. She still didn't like him, so I kept his name out of the equation.

The hologram Barricade had been using fizzled out of existence as I approached his vehicle-form in my driveway. I did NOT want to be seen in a cop car, but luckily the lights and decals were optional anyway. He drove a normal cop car for his job at the local police squad (that must have been so awkward to do), so all I had to "pretend to drive" was a fancy black Mustang. It was a nice form, but I didn't exactly have a driver's license. He didn't like using holograms for too long, however; we switched it up to be fair, so today I was my "fake driving day." Ugh.

"Too fragging bad," Barricade snapped back, irritable. I was proud of myself for not thinking it weird, for even a second, that it was a car that just bitched at me. The driver's side door popped open and I reluctantly climbed in. "You agreed to come."

"Yeah, for a quick Sunday browse through the housing ads in the newspaper!" I cried, exasperated. I barely had the door closed before he was pulling out of the driveway, engine roaring. I grimaced; my Mormon neighbors were going to tell my parents I had a boyfriend with a crazy car or something.

"I want to see this in person," Barricade said shortly, leaving no room for debate in his voice. I kept my hands on the wheel, glaring out into the horizon as the car drove itself to God knew where. "You fragging humans trust everything you see in a picture."

"Oh, for Christ—forget it!" I snapped. I resigned myself to a waste Sunday and let him drive me off into the wilderness. For all I knew, he could have been driving me out to the forest to use me for target practice. Part of me wondered why I was so compliant with that fate. "Fine. Let's go. Lead the way, Lassie."

Barricade didn't seem to want to fight that day, so tense silence reigned. I tried to get him to at least play the radio, but he turned that off. Asshole.

It turns out that Mr. Grumpy Grill actually didn't just plan on driving around aimlessly through Boise to find a plot of land for sale that he liked. On his passenger side seat, I found a bunch of flyers and Internet print outs detailing local, but rural areas that were up for sale. My irritation fading as I got wrapped up in looking through the listings, the two of us traveled in silence towards what I had thought had been part of the state park, but some of the land was privately owned.

"You're going to get land near the park?" I asked as he turned off toward the park after nearly half and hour of driving in silence.

Barricade still sounded grumpy. "Yeah. More privacy." True, that.

We made our way onto a rather barren and unoccupied path. "I hope you can get the permits to build a house there," I said, frowning.

Growling, the mech replied, "I did my research." Touchy.

"…How much money are we looking at spending?" I asked, distracted as I perused through the ads. All of them were between fifty and a hundred grand, and that was just the bare land. Yikes. The view had to be amazing, though.

"'We'?" Barricade repeated, sarcasm practically dripping through his speakers. He had a gift of projecting that image.

I scowled at the dashboard of the car. "Oh, shut up, you know what I mean," I snapped. "I mean, cops don't make that much money, or at least that's what I thought."

"I've made preparations," he replied stiffly. I had the sinking feeling if he had a face then, he'd be looking out the window, attempting to be innocent.

Barricade was anything but innocent, however, and I frowned at the dashboard of the Decepticon. "…You didn't cheat the stock market, did you?" I asked. Alien robots were pretty smart…

It wasn't too surprising that Barricade made no reply. I sighed heavily, realizing what had happened. The fandom had told me theories that the mechs could hack into something like the stock market, predicting enough far into the future or even altering data, to make a decent profit.

Sneaky bastard.

The ethical side of me couldn't help but shake my head disapprovingly at the suspiciously silent Decepticon. "What the fuck, dude," I said in chastisement. I paused, considering. "Can you set up an IRA account for me?"

Surprisingly, Barricade was less impressed with my disapproval and more confused over something else. "How do you know what I'm planning on doing so much?" he demanded as we turned onto yet another blank dirt road. I was beginning to realize maybe my state really did have too many dirt roads.

"You're as subtle as a brick, 'Cade," I replied, rolling my eyes. I glanced out at the trees we were passing, resting my head on my hand. "Besides, I'm the oracle, remember?" I added cheekily, poking fun at his name he had given me when we first met. Seriously? That was his first theory? Silly robots.

"Hah!" he laughed harshly. That was actually the most pleasant the guy got. I felt special. "The universe's foremost mistake."

I grinned, falling into the banter with great ease. "You're just jealous."

We had discussed this a million times, and even if it never went anywhere constructive, it felt better to talk about it than just dwell on the fact that neither of us knew how I knew so much about Transformers when the rest of the world did not. I was the last of my breed, the last of the Transformers fans. Barricade just thought I was insane, and/or an Oracle. Sharing theories was a great past time of ours, and driving around in the mountains of Idaho looking for a plot of land to buy seemed like a decent time to have another one of those conversations.

"…It's completely implausible to think two universes, one fictionalized in the other, would have somehow merged," Barricade was saying. He sounded just as mean as he did normally, but I could tell he was enjoying trying to get to the bottom of the mystery. I was more interested in finding some sanity, personally.

"Yeah, well, it's not anymore impossible than me being some space oracle." I froze and started to laugh. "Maybe I'm the chosen one!" I gasped, mockingly clutching my hands together. He snorted and I continued, dramatically. "I get to save the world! Well, Sam saved it first, but I get to do it the second time! I have the key! In my brain!"

"Your brain will only be the key to Being Stupid," Barricade said, a dark smirk in his voice.

I laughed, used to his snark. "Yeah, well, when I end up being the Harry Potter of the Land of Giant Robots, we'll see who's—!"

Without any warning at all, Barricade made a horrendously tight right turn. I slammed into his side door with a startled scream. My mind exploded into pain and flashing colors; I could feel Barricade's engine roar with unexpected fury and power. We tore down that new dirt road like we had the Devil himself chasing us. I was a bit preoccupied with finding out why the Decepticon had just let me get a concussion.

"OW! GODDAMN IT, 'CADE!" I yelled, grabbing my head. "Christ! That hurt! What the hell are you doing?"

He didn't answer. I saw the speedometer reach well over a hundred, and suddenly, I felt cold. Were we fleeing Starscream? Was the jet flying overhead? Was it something—someone—else? I turned and felt the blood drain out of my face when I realized we were being followed—but by a line of cars.

I never got the chance to identify the vehicles, because as we broke over a hill, surrounding by a pretty green field, the seatbelt holding me to the seat suddenly slid away. I gasped, trying to grab a hold of it—but it was then Barricade decided to promptly swirl his body around and hurl me out of the fucking car.

Granted, he had slowed down substantially by the time he made that curving turn, so when I hit the ground, I rolled in a way that didn't break anything. But it still fucking hurt. My head was killing me and I couldn't stand up, even though my adrenaline was pumping at an all-time high. I barely had enough time to get to my feet when I saw Barricade transform—and face the black Topkick truck who came flying up the hill—

It was only when that truck began to grow its own limbs and head did I realize that yes, we were completely and utterly fucked.

The second Transformer—belatedly I recognized him as an Autobot—didn't hesitate and neither did 'Cade, but before Barricade could even summon his weapons in defense, the other Transformer fire a volley of shots from his arm-canon. The sound was tremendous and I could only try to duck to the ground when Barricade went tumbling past me. They were both roaring in their alien language. Barricade tried to get up, swinging his swirling mace, but his opponent fire again.

"Barricade!" I shrieked. I screamed again when I heard the crashing of metal and gears crunching. Barricade went down hard onto the ground, sending two stray trees tumbling over.

Ignoring common sense and my own safety, I tore past a giant foot of the Autobot and toward the fallen Decepticon. All I was thinking was oh my god Emily is going to kill me oh shit is he dead?, or something along those lines. I was just halfway there when I realized that my heart wasn't the only loud noise in my ear. I heard footsteps—heavy footsteps. Like, right over me.

I came to a slow stop yards away from Barricade—who was still moving, thank God—and I reluctantly looked up. I saw a strangely familiar black mech standing over me. I wasn't concerned about who it was, though; I was diverting my attentions to the obnoxiously large plasma canon that swirled a few dozen feet above my head. Without thinking, another bloodcurdling scream ripped from my throat. It startled the mech, who just then realized I was standing beneath him.

I fell backwards gracelessly onto my rear, my heart pounding painfully against my ribcage. I knew it was an Autobot, and I knew they wouldn't purposely hurt me, but I was too scared to think straight. It was a giant robot with a huge weapon on its arm pointed at me, and the only protection I had was currently lying twenty feet behind me, barely moving.

"Ironhide!" called out a commanding voice. "What was that?"

The mech over me stopped and looked back. I was hyperventilating now.

"There's a human here," Ironhide called back. He was talking about me, apparently.

More figures came up behind Ironhide. I knew who they were immediately. Bumblebee, Ratchet, Jazz—wait, wasn't he dead?—and the big guy himself, Optimus Prime. Optimus looked rather surprised when his optics fell on me, and I stared back fearfully.

"Move it out of the way," Ratchet bellowed. The rest of them were focused on the Decepticon behind him, who by the sound of it, was getting up. "Barricade's moving!"

Ironhide swirled around and looked back down at me. I yelped at the new attention, trying to shrink away. Then, with his canon-less hand, he reached down.

So, I did what any sensible female teenager would do.

I screamed bloody murder.

Still screaming, I launched myself backwards, twirling around in mid air to face the other way and kicked off of the ground on wobbly feet. I caught Barricade's eyes, or optics, and set my goal to him. If I reached him, and if he could still transform, we could get the hell out of here. I didn't care if the Autobots were saints from heaven; I felt safer with a mech I already knew wouldn't squish me, even by accident.

It was a fool's goal, to be honest. I was barely two yards farther when a giant hand swooped down over me. My scream caught in my throat when four metal fingers wrapped themselves around my entire body, minus my head, and lifted upwards. It was like one of those horrible amusement park rides that I was terrified of—up real fast into the air without warning, and then stop suddenly. This "ride" stopped in the same manner. The hand stopped its upward momentum after nearly a second. I stared down at the ground, which was suddenly very far away, too terrified to make a sound.

"Give it here," Ratchet said. Give what? Give me? Then, without warning, the medic shouted, "Ironhide, to your left!"

I looked up just in time to see a black and white form lunge at Ironhide. The hand that held me was flung to the side and the canon arm was brought up—but too late. Barricade slammed into the weapons specialist, and for a moment, all I felt was a horrible jarring sensation that rattled my entire body down to the bones.

"PUT HER DOWN!" roared the Decepticon. He pummeled the Autobot viciously with his clawed fists as we hit the ground in a terrible heap.

Ironhide hit and kicked back with equal ferocity, even with just one hand. "BACK OFF, DECEPTI-SCUM!" he bellowed.

"I'M NOT A HAMSTER! I'M NOT A HAMSTER!" I screeched over and over. I felt sick and disorientated because of the wild movements. I also felt like I was going to die. I could hear metal crunching and creaking overhead. I was about to become an organic mess in the hand of a metal man from space.

Then, like an angel from above, came a thundering voice, "IRONHIDE! PUT THE HUMAN DOWN!"

Then, came four more noises. I recognized them as weapons whirling. I looked up when Ironhide's hand finally stopped shaking me like a rag doll. Jazz, Optimus, Ratchet and Bumblebee were all pointing their weapons at the two mechs and me. I stared back like a deer in headlights, too frightened to move or speak. Barricade had stopped at the sight of the guns, and Ironhide stopped when the Decepticon stopped, both pointing their weapons at each other motionlessly. For a horrible moment of awkward silence, we lay like some absurd dog pile in the middle of an Idaho forest.

"Move, and we'll shoot," Optimus warned Barricade.

Barricade sneered, but did not move. I glanced over at him, wary. He looked positively terrifying, in his battlemode-like state, with smeared energon over his faceplates and chassis. But it was still Barricade. After putting up with him for a year already, I would have much rather be in his clutches than the trigger-happy member of the Autobot clan.

"Put the human down now, Ironhide," Optimus continued. Ironhide nodded slowly, still pinned by the Decepticon on top of him. Barricade didn't make a move as Ironhide complied, but he watched the whole thing like a hawk.

I felt the hand lower and bile rose to my throat. My head was pounding like a war drum on remix. When my feet touched the ground, it took all my will power not to let my body crumble into a heap in the dirt. I stood, shaking like a leaf in front of the Autobot leader. I looked up at him and he stared back.

"You're safe to move," he said carefully. "It is safe behind us."

I stared back dumbly.

"We mean you no harm," he added.

Yeah, right, I thought sarcastically. I nodded slowly in real life. "I know," I said, my voice cracking.

Ratchet, to my left, nodded his head towards the hill. "If you could get out of the way," he started to say.

"I can't move," I said. My teeth chattered painfully, adding to my headache. "If I tried, I'd fall over."

Optimus seemed to understand. He motioned at Bumblebee. "Help get her over to the hill," he ordered.

Bumblebee nodded and moved closer towards me, hand reaching. I flinched back in fear. Oh no, I am not gonna get picked up like that again…!

Behind us, I heard Barricade hiss.

"Touch her, and I'll kill this old fragger right here and now!" he growled. His fingers were poised dangerously over Ironhide's chest, and from what I could tell, over his spark chamber.

The Autobots froze. I turned slowly, my eyes wide. Barricade kept his optics trained on Optimus, ignoring me.

"'Cade," I began, my voice wavering. If I started to cry, I wouldn't be able to stop. I forced myself to stay calm, as much as that meant. I was still shaking.

He said nothing, but flinched slightly when I spoke. At least he wasn't totally ignoring me.

Our brief familiarity must have totally bewildered the Autobots. I heard Optimus' headgears whirling even from my spot on the ground. He was probably trying to think of a reason why I'd even know the Decepticon's name.

"Human," he finally said, "if you are able to, please move away, for your own safety."

I didn't.

"Human," Ratchet began, but I cut him off.

"No!" I shouted. I wavered on my feet, ignoring the mechs' shocked looks. I must have looked half deranged. "And have you blast the shit out of Barricade? Hell no! Back off, and he'll back off! We'll go away, and you don't have to follow us!"

"Rebecca, shut up," Barricade snapped.

"No! You shut up, tin head!" I screeched. I spun around wildly, ignoring my pounding head, and my unsteady feet. My fear turned into anger with great ease, as always. "JESUS CHRIST! You scared the hell out of me! Don't just randomly flip me out of a car and start a freakin' battle with a bunch of robots, you asshole! Do you have any idea how bad this is for my heart? I'm gonna die of a freakin' heart attack by the age of eighteen thanks to you! You're fucking insane!"

My tirade earned Barricade's full attention finally. His red optics narrowed into a glare.

"Don't you pin this on me, brat!" he growled.

"Oh, I am," I shouted back. I motioned wildly with my hands. "It's just a short trip, you said! It's right off the road, you said! No one'll see you transform! It'll be completely safe!" I gave a bitter laugh. "No, just a bunch of Autobots will beat the shit out of you, throw me around like a rag doll, and put us both at the end of a bunch of plasma canons!"

"Would you kindly shut up?" Barricade demanded loudly.

"NO!"

"You're making this worse than it is!"

"This can't get any worse, moron!"

"Yes, it can, if you don't shut the slag up! Stop screaming!"

"I'LL SCREAM ALL I WANT TO, DAMN IT!"

Barricade's clawed hand that was poised over Ironhide's chest flexed sporadically, clearly demonstrating the rage he was suppressing quite skillfully. "At least get the slag behind me!" he ordered angrily.

"FINE!" I screeched. I was sick of arguing, my head hurt, and I wanted to go hide under my bedcovers for the next day and half. Picking up my shredded dignity, I started around the two mechs in a wobbly march. I was scowling darkly, pissed off beyond words. How dare he order me around like that! It was his fault we found ourselves in this mess. Him and his stupid—

A large foot came down in front of me, stopping me easily. I froze and looked up. The smallest of the assembled robots, and the only chrome colored one, looked down at me quizzically. I gulped. I was only halfway around Barricade and Ironhide.

"Where d'you think yer goin'?" asked Jazz, a mixture of confusion and distrust in his voice.

I stared back.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" I asked suddenly.

Barricade let out a hiss. "Idiot," he muttered.

As soon as I said it, I clapped my hands around my mouth. Oh shit! Jazz flinched backwards, shocked.

"Dead?" he echoed. He paused, probably to quickly reference the term. "You mean, offline?"

"Uh, I didn't mean to say that," I offered quickly. I laughed nervously. "I mean, uh, I don't even know you, so, um…"

"Rebecca?" Barricade asked suddenly, his gravely voice sounding strange in the midst of us.

"Yeah?" I answered, glancing over at him.

"Just. Shut. Up."

My mouth twisted into a scowl again, but I complied for once. I looked up again, knowing well enough that what I said could mean life or death, at least for Barricade. As I looked up nervously at Jazz, and then at the other Autobots, I was hit with inspiration: I was just the organic, backwater creature. I was innocent. They had no reason not to distrust me.

An evil smirk appeared in my mind as a wicked idea occurred to me.

"OH!" I began with gusto, clasping my hands together up against my chest, "thank you, Autobots!"

I literally heard Barricade's optics widen in shock. I suppressed a gleeful smile. He could kill me after I saved his aft. This was too great a moment to pass up.

"You saved me from that horrible monster!" I continued, trying to look pitiful as I looked up at Jazz. I had no idea if I succeeded, but the confusion on Jazz's faceplates seemed to dissipate slightly.

"Uh, you're welcome," Jazz said, dropping his offensive stature slightly. He even gave me a small smile. "You okay, now, kid?"

"I'm alright now," I said, smiling brightly. I dropped my hands and bounced a little on my feet. The nausea increased when I did that, but I was aiming to look as innocent as possible. "You guys are my heroes!"

To my left, Barricade slowly turned his head, obviously staring at me with either incredulous optics, or just staring. I couldn't see, but I had a feeling he knew what I was doing. It was our only hope.

"Human, do you have any idea how lucky you are to be alive right now?" Ratchet asked, annoyed.

"Oh, I can imagine," I said, glancing at him nervously. I laughed, rubbing the back of my neck absently. "I really owe you guys. Seriously."

"What are you even doin' with a Decepticon?" Jazz asked, suspicious now.

Uh,thinkfast! "I was minding my own business, and out of no where, this cop comes up and says to get in his car," I rambled, smiling nervously. Oh, man, I was so bad at lying. "And you're supposed to follow what a cop says, so I got in, and um…yeah, here I am." I paused. "But you're here now, so I'm safe!"

I stopped, waiting for a response. I was praying for some sort of agreement, that yes, I was safe, and I could go home. As soon as they let their guards down with me distracting them, Barricade could make his escape, and I could just pretend he was a bad guy, and go home on my own. It would work.

Then, Ratchet's headgears turned suddenly. I looked up at him, wary. His eyes were dulled strangely. Then, I saw a faint wave of green light wash over me, like some sort of laser. It didn't hurt and I couldn't really feel anything. I stood there, uncertain of what he was doing. I tried to think of the movie. A light like that meant some sort of scanner—my thoughts stopped there, fear suddenly seizing my brain.

Oh, my god, I thought, a chill sweeping through my mind and freezing my limbs. Ratchet can scan my bodily functions. He can tell if I'm lying.

OH SHIT.

Although he didn't have a chance to say anything yet, I knew my initial plan was blown to smithereens, so I decided to go to Plan B before I was promptly stepped on. Of course, I had no Plan B. I was the Bullshit Queen, however, at least at that moment in my life.

"OH MY GOD," I exclaimed with exaggerated surprise as I whipped around, my arm swinging out in a pointing gesture. I aimed at the opposing line of trees above Ironhide's head, where none of them were facing. "IS THAT STARSCREAM? !"

Unbeknownst to any mech there, it had been a lifelong goal of mine to actually use that joke successfully. In that moment, however, I found no humor in it, even when all five Autobots looked towards the woods where my finger was pointing. I was already running by the time that I heard Barricade move. Whether it was the fact we were so in tuned with each other's thoughts already, or my plan was just that obvious, he knew what I had meant to do. In a fury of metal, he kicked Ironhide off of him and dodged to the side. By the time I was completely around Jazz and off into the field, Barricade was already transforming.

Whipping up from behind me in the grass, all I saw was a black mustang come tearing by, turn around a few yards ahead and its passenger side door swing open. I was already exhausted, but I willed my body to move faster. I can reach it. Just move faster. Move, move, move, move—!

Behind me, I heard a whirling noise. It took me about a second, and I was no expert at mech noises yet, but I knew just as well that that sound was the sound of weapons charging. I screamed, my throat already torn raw from the earlier abuse, and I flew forward. Just as I did, two missiles and a plasma bomb were thrown overhead.

"JESUS CHRIST!" I shouted. I rolled over, and saw Ironhide was up, and he and Jazz were charging towards me.

"GET IN!" roared Barricade. I looked up in surprise. He had moved farther away, but was coming back towards me. His side was smoldering. He had been hit, again, by the first wave of missiles. I gulped down my own fears.

If he stuck around, he'd get killed. I knew he was tough, but there was no way he'd survive an attack by five Autobots against one Decepticon. I weighed my options, and while in that short second of thinking I know I didn't think it through properly, I came to the conclusion that there was only one way we'd both get out alive.

I rolled onto my knees, ignoring another canon discharge. The missile hit the solid earth right in front of Barricade, causing him to halt temporarily. I started to get up, hoping that he would listen to me.

"GET OUT OF HERE, DUMBASS!" I shouted. I waved viciously with my arms. "GO!"

Barricade's engine roared in reply, but he had no chance to get out any real answer. Both Autobots had stopped, but were firing wildly at the 'con. I hit the ground, but I kept my eyes on Barricade, who was doing his best to avoid getting hit. He was failing.

"GO!" I shouted again. I sent the Mustang a meaningful look that promptly translated into, 'get the fuck out of here, I'll catch up later, and don't you dare tell Emily.'

A plasma missile exploded right in front of Barricade's right wheel. I winced as the dirt flew up toward me. I didn't really catch if the Mustang said anything, but when I looked up again, he was turning around. Then, with a burst of speed, he shot away from the Autobots and me.

Sonnovabitch! I couldn't help but grin triumphantly. He finally listened to me! Finally!

"He's getting away!" Ironhide bellowed.

"I'll get him," Bumblebee—or I think it was Bumblebee; his creepy British voice was kind of obvious—offered.

"No," ordered Optimus. My ears were ringing from the canon fire, but his eloquent words were clear as day to me. I heard all of them walking across the grass; they were coming closer. "It's not worth the effort. We have to conserve our energy as it is."

"Prime, he's th'last 'con on Earth!" Jazz exclaimed.

"Exactly why we have little to fear from him," Ratchet replied. "Barricade is a coward. He won't risk his life without backup."

Anger pulsed through my body when I heard the medic's words. Coward? Barricade? He wasn't a coward! He was anything but a coward!

With a grunt, I pushed myself up from the grass, the scent of pollen and grass sticking to my face. I checked down my arms and legs; I hadn't been hurt, but I'm sure I would feel all the scraps and bruises tomorrow morning. I looked down the path where Barricade had escaped down. He was long gone, hidden by the trees. Thank god.

Then, I remembered I was still on the ground. I shakily stood and tried to fight back the nausea that returned. At least the fight was over, I reminded myself. I wouldn't have to worry about getting killed now…

I stopped as I noticed I was completely encompassed by a large shadow. Lifting my head slowly, I gazed up at the sky, which was currently being blocked by five gigantic heads with blue, glowing optics. Spent of energy and lacking any motivation to attempt to run away, I grinned lazily.

"Hi?" I offered.

Unsurprisingly, none of them looked very amused.

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Well, that's awkward. And, yes, I totally would use that "Starscream!" prank. Oh, hell yes. :D

Fun Fact: I actually wrote this chapter out almost a year before I finished Flipside. Oops. The next chapter isn't nearly as finished, so expected a longer wait for the next update.