Author's Notes: Happy birthday, Matty! I'm sorry that you're not technically alive to celebrate, but…well…happy birthday, anyway!

Welcome to the second chapter of my birthday fic story, Pain. Today, we celebrate Matt's birthday with his side of the story Mello had last chapter. You'll realize quite a bit in this chapter, and also be introduced to the last of the characters being mentioned. I debated a lot at where to start the story off, and decided right before the breakup. You get a lot more info on that, like how it happened…and Matt's side of the story…^_-

Also, this is the first thing I am posting under my new penname. As you should know if you read my blog ((link in profile)), I've gone through an identity crisis and today's the day that I'm beginning to use my new penname, Ilandere Okami, instead of my old one, Zena Silverwing. Please don't be confused. That is all.

Warnings: Drug abuse, physical abuse, emotional pain, etc. Oh, and a bit of comedy. Just a few lines at one point; I couldn't resist.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or "Over and Over" by Three Days Grace. Nor do I own the song at the end, also by TDG.

~Over and Over~

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

~ "Over and Over" by Three Days Grace

~Over and Over~

I stare at my friend in wonder. He can't be serious, can he? Can I really do something so…horrible? I mean, sure, I'm being tortured alive, here, but to actually kick him out onto the streets?

Near gives me a look that all but screams, 'Why are you questioning my judgment?' But, instead, he asks me, "What did he do yesterday?"

I sigh, but answer, "Same thing he does every day, sat around comatose and high. You were there; you saw."

He only shakes his head and replies, "But he doesn't realize I'm there. He barely knows you're around. He cannot comprehend what's happening when you bathe him, or when you force food down his throat…that he promptly throws back up…What did he do a week ago yesterday?"

With my eyebrows scrunched in though, I try to remember what had happened. Oh, yeah, I tried to forget about that…event. I refuse to answer, but Near continues to stare at me until I give in. His eyes can see all my secrets. And he heard it all. "We had sex," I say defensively.

Near scoffs. "Sounded more like rape to me."

"Shut up!" I pull my fist back, as a threat to punch the crap out of his pale face, but he cringes back. I have never actually laid a hand on him. He's my best friend, and has been for years. Recently, he's been pretty jumpy, though. Did he really take my action seriously?

I look out the window with a sigh. Will things ever go back to the way they were? I ask myself this too often, and have for too long. No, things will only get worse. That Near has convinced me of. He's so adamant about me breaking up with my boyfriend. I know he cares about me, and only wants what's best for me, but…I love Mello. I really do.

But, right now, I'm really running low on funds, can barely pay the bills, and have large amounts of cash suddenly disappearing left and right. My apartment always smells disgusting—and not of the cigarettes I smoke—and I often have to take care of Mello far beyond how a normal boyfriend should be taken care of. He's like a baby, now. I absolutely hate it. And sometimes, if he's horny, he takes me even though I scream at the top of my lungs that I don't want it and try to pry him off me.

I liked it when he and I made love, but that hasn't happened of at least a year now. And for the past month, Near has been living in the apartment as well. He sleeps on the couch when he can, and on Mello's bed when the guy's passed out on the couch. And if both places are either occupied or disgusting, there's an extra sleeping bag he uses in my room…but we find it awkward.

Still, Mello does not notice my friend. That is just the last straw. Mello knows that Near and I are friends, and I told him that he was moving in with us. But he never pays attention to me anymore. What's one more thing to tell him that he ignores…or doesn't register, really?

For once in God knows how long, the shower is running without either Near or me in it. Mello…is actually showering. Something must be up, or another drug was slipped into his stash or something. He can't be that aware of himself that he would actually shower.

When the water turns off, Near stands. "I'm going to go shopping. I think there's less than a carton of eggs and half a box of cereal left in this whole apartment."

"With what money?" I cry. He knows I'm almost flat out broke, so the first time he went shopping for us, I was a little startled to find my wallet still full. He doesn't have a job right now—that I know of—but he somehow has money coming in from somewhere…or stashed away where nobody can find. I haven't questioned it before, but I'm just stalling the inevitable. I know he's leaving so Mello and I can be alone.

He pauses before finally sighing in defeat and answering me. "I…I…s-stole it…from Beyond."

So many thoughts flash through my head, but what comes out my mouth is, "Don't call that dick by his first name!"

Near's eyes flash with something akin to fear, but he turns away and stalks out of the house. Ever since he and BB began going out…that's when the rest of my world plummeted to its doom. If Near really thinks I don't know that that guy is a drug dealer then he undermines my thinking abilities. What did he see in him? And for that freak to just be able to toss poor Near onto the street with no reason?

Nothing is right; nothing is as it should be. Everything is just plain wrong and helpless.

Soon, Mello saunters into my room, hair finally completely washed, leather clothes loose now around his thin frame when they used to be so sexy and form fitting. There're still bags under his wild eyes, and he still seems slightly out of it, but for the most part…this is the most sober I've seen him in…months? A year? Longer…?

For a second, I think that Near was wrong and that I can't just dump Mello. But then I notice his eyes glancing towards my nightstand, where my wallet is sitting. I close my eyes, willing tears to stay away, and take a shuddering breath. "Mells?" I call out, using the pet name I haven't been able to use for too long.

He shakes his head, probably to clear it from his horrid thoughts, and looks at me. "Yeah?"

"Why don't we go for a walk?" What would he do if he were in my apartment at the time? Would I have an apartment left by the end? His face lights up and he runs to his room to grab his coat and boots, which I know are actually lying near the front door. He flies out of his room soon after entering and looks around the place until he spots his coat and boots. Why is he so excited? No…could he be changing? Did something happen that…?

No, I tell myself. It must be done. I can't fucking stand this anymore. And I'm still sore from last week. A week and still in pain? That just goes to show how out of it he really was. He…he used to be gentle…

He struts out of the apartment, as if this was any normal date. My hands ball into fists inside my jacket pockets. I gave my gloves to Mello a while ago when he lost his. Or maybe he sold them…These were ratty and full of holes to begin with, so imagine them after a few months with Mello.

But still…he acts as if he's hiding something. He seems just a little too confident, as if he's hiding nervousness behind his overconfident mask.

We walk aimlessly, though we both end up leading each other towards the nearby park. Before we can enter the large park, however, I stop him. He tries to drag me towards a bench just inside of the entrance, but I just can't sit down. I could get too comfortable, or I would be unable to run as easily.

"Mello, listen," I sigh, forcing tears back. My hand takes his wrist—too skinny; I hate it—and spins him around to face me.

There's a glow in his eyes, some type of happiness. And that makes me realize, he must know what I am going to do and is just waiting. He must know that I am running out of money and he's the problem. So…he's waiting for me to dump him so he can go find another helpless sap to suck dry! That bastard!

He pulls his gloves off hastily and they fall to the ground. Like he cares; they're a gift from me and he won't need them anymore. His hands plunge back into his pockets and I realize now is the time. I have to say it.

"We're through. Never come back to my apartment. I'll use your stuff to pay back all the money you stole. Goodbye." I turn on my heel and head back home. It's done. I'm free! Then why do I feel such a pang in my chest just as I hear heavy stomps running away from me?

~Over and Over~

The walk home took a lot longer than I meant it to. But…I just couldn't help but stop at random intervals and turn around, ready to run back to Mello, help him home, and take care of him. But then I kept telling myself that this was better for me, and that's what matters now. He only cares about himself, so why should I care about him?

Just because I want to see those wild eyes find mine and hypnotize me, so that I can warm the ice in them and we can love each other can…Just because I want to hold his frail body close and tell him that everything will be better soon and I love him…Just because I want to be held in those arms and be kissed hungrily and with passion…Those are no reasons to come crawling back to that beast.

Mello, my boyfriend, my lover, the love of my life, is gone. All that's left is a shell. An empty shell that holds no more compassion and love for me, only a need for that damn drug!

Near is putting away the groceries by the time I get back. He looks at me expectantly, but all I can do is shoot him what I hope is a dirty look, though I think it looks more helpless and depressed than I mean it to be. I head straight for my room and slam the door behind me, locking it for good measure. I don't want anyone to disturb my moping, even Near.

What have I done? Sure, I was going to kill myself in the end if he didn't end up killing me…And Near had totally convinced me and the way Mello was just so happy about the breakup it seemed like…I still feel like the biggest bastard on Earth for doing that do him in a time of need.

That's the one thing that I don't get. How could I have just let it go? I was such a fucking enabler; it's not even funny. I just let him steal my money and get his drugs and come home high and even be dragged in, unconscious, by random people off the streets. God, how could I have been such a horrible boyfriend? I helped him, cleaned him up, let him live here and take my money. Hell, I even let him rape me! But the one thing I didn't do was save him.

I really wish I could have. Then, maybe, I could still have him…What would've happened if I had hidden my money better? No, he'd pawn things.

What if I had actually forced him off the drug and through withdrawal? Would he…would he have been kissing my neck right now tenderly, getting ready to go out on a date? We could've gone out for hot chocolate or something…

I sigh in utter defeat. I am defeated. I'm done. I'm empty, just like Mello.

~Over and Over~

I wake up to screams of agony. Yet again. Near's having one of his nightmares…again. He absolutely refuses to tell me what they're about, but I'm almost certain they have something to do with that bastard, BB. I wish he would just tell me! I'm his best friend, for fuck's sake!

With a heavy sigh, I heave myself out of bed, dragging one of my sheets with me—the apartment cools to almost freezing during the night and I can't fix it. I knock on Near's bedroom door out of courtesy. God, it used to be Mello's door. How can I be so horrible as to be able to call it Near's so easily?

Oh, right, Near. He, of course, doesn't answer, and I step right on in. It's my apartment anyway. And I'm freaking tired. It's around two a.m. and I want sleep. How many weeks has it been since he started having the nightmares? Five? It took a week of staying here, away from that monster before they started. Ha, they didn't even wake Mello…I shake my head in disgust. I have to stop thinking about him. It's been two weeks. He's gone.

"Near?" I call into the darkness. He doesn't answer, but I hear a whimper.

I stumble over a few toys he has lying around—he's been buying more and more with the money he stole from BB in the past few weeks. Somehow, I think they give him comfort. Either way, they're not very comforting to my poor toes.

When I reach the bed, I turn on the lamp on the nightstand to see Near in a fetal position, arms covering his whole face. "No!" he screeches to the light suddenly invading the room. This is normal, too.

I sigh and gingerly sit on the edge of his bed. I try to say in the most soothing voice I can manage when I can barely form coherent sentences it's so early, "Near, buddy, it's alright. It's just Matt. I'm here for you." He visibly relaxes at my words. I still won't dare touch him…until his arms unfold from his face completely and he looks me in the eye.

"Matt?" he questions. It's not so much to ask me a question as it is to confirm I'm really here.

"I'm right here, Near…" I coo, leaning forward and spreading my arms. He pushes himself off the bed and wraps his own arms around my chest. We hold each other in a tight embrace, neither of us willing to let go. Whatever nightmares plague him, I want to stop them from coming and torturing him like this. And he knows how crushed I still am about…yeah…

This has become almost nightly. And I'm fine with it. His body is always cold against my own, and his hair tickles my face, but I still let him hold me until his eyes close again and he falls into a dreamless sleep. I lay him back down and think I'm about to leave when I realize my arms are caught under his body and his arms are still wrapped around me. I sigh…again…and lay down myself. Maybe a few minutes wouldn't hurt…

~Over and Over~

My head hits the wall behind me as I lean too far back in my chair. "Ow…" I mutter, landing my chair back on all four legs again and rubbing the back of my head.

"What did I tell you about doing that?" Near questions, turning around so I can see him in his normal white garb…and a spatula in hand.

Now that I don't have Mello around, stealing my money, I'm making a steady income again. A month has passed now, and I've gotten two paychecks. Both of which are still mostly in tact…for once. We tried living off BB's money for as long as possible, but Near's toy…fetish—don't tell him I said that—sort of…ran that dry. At least, now that he would have to use my money to pay for everything, he's slowed down.

His room's floor is covered with toys, games, and puzzles. I'm trying to save up to get a cheap gaming system, probably from eBay. But what's weird is that Near refuses to go out of the house except to the store to get more food for us. Honestly, I still think it has something to do w/ his ex, but maybe something else happened, too. Either way, he refuses to tell me anything.

Since that night two weeks ago, Near's been sleeping in my room…in my bed. He said he hadn't woken up that relaxed in months. Hmm…ever since BB came into his life? Believe it or not, but he's actually really comfy to sleep with, almost like a teddy bear. And he smells nice…

After breakfast, I grab my coat and boots and get ready to leave for work. We say our good-byes, I kiss him on the cheek, and then I'm out the door. Once I shut it behind me, I pause before locking. That's the third time I've done that, and he hasn't protested…

It's almost as if we're husband and wife—sorry, husband. I personally would rather not be that committed to a relationship…especially with a woman, duh, but it really makes me think. I lock the door and head to the stairs. Aren't broken, already crappy elevators lovely?

My car died again the other day, so I'm left to walking to work in the bitter cold. My walk shouldn't take me by the park if I know what's good for me. Obviously, I don't.

I keep glancing around me, especially behind me, to see if he's still here, just dragging behind. But I only see strangers surrounding me. I glance inside the park entrance when I reach it, but the bench where we had almost sat before is occupied by a pair of incestual twins. I shudder in disgust and quickly walk away. What is this world coming to?

Mello's not there. He won't be there, I know. But…is it that bad to wish for him to be there? Is it so bad to want him back in my arms, home with me again? Is it that bad to still prefer him over Near?

Oh, God…Near. He's my best friend—that I know for sure. But what else is he to me, now? We have only kissed the same way I left him this morning. We only snuggle together at night. But he cooks and shops for me. Still, I did all that for Mello before. The role switching is pretty odd, but it feels natural, too.

I stop in my tracks. I have to stop thinking about him! He's gone from my life, nothing to me anymore! I don't need him anymore, if I ever did. He only hurt me by the end. I hope he's found someone else to torture, dammit!

A tear leaks from my eye and I just continue walking before I can actually collapse to the ground. I still can't let him go.

~Over and Over~

We had fire in our eyes
In the beginning I
Never felt so alive
In the beginning you
You blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't want to hear it anymore

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore

~ "Let It Die" by Three Days Grace

~Over and Over~

Author's Notes: This was longer than Mello's and I didn't even realize it. I guess…Matty just has more to say? Haha, anyways, I had a blast writing this. Several times while writing, I paused and thought, "Wow, I can actually write something from this POV w/o ever being in this position." And then I realized, "I've gotten really far w/ my writing, haven't I?" It made me feel good.

The role reversal thing I realized while writing, and thought it was really interesting. Seems Mello's gone through the same thing w/ Light, right? Interesting…I wonder if all the others have as well? O.O

And, just 'cause I'm addicted to my AP Psych class, there is no such thing as a dreamless sleep. We all experience REM sleep, where we dream. Or else, our long-term memories will fail us. So, most just can't remember their dreams unless awoken in the middle of REM sleep and forced to explain their dreams. Hehehe…*sweat drop* Sorry for the little lesson there…

Also, did you get the mention of other characters? I won't say where it was, or who it was, but you guys can probably guess pretty easily. So, now you also get a hint at what's up in the future, huh?

Next up…"It's All Over" for Light ((posting on his birthday, Feb 28)). ^-^ Hmm... I wonder why? Finally, we get another part of the story's POV! Heehee...Remember, every single person is intertwined somehow…