~Trigger Warning~ This chapter has depressive/suicidal thoughts and a suicide attempt.


Snap. It had been a week since the incident, one full week since you found him in bed with another woman. Snap. No one else in the RFA knew anything, aside from Seven, Saeran, and Zen himself. Snap. You had decided it would be better if everyone was kept in the dark, for your sake, his sake, and the rest of the RFA's sake. You couldn't bear to be the reason for animosity within the group. Snap. It was better this way, right? Snap.

You sat in relative silence on the floor of the living room as you stared aimlessly at your laptop, the only sound being the light snap of the rubber band on your wrist. You hadn't done any work in a week; you needed to finish up maintenance on multiple websites for clients. This was important, more important than your petty drama, at least that's what you tried telling yourself. Focus was near impossible; it was surprising enough that you had managed to get your laptop out at all when you'd done little more than stare at the ceiling for the past seven days.

You flinched as someone clearing their throat caught your attention, "So, uh, is the rubber band… helping?"

Your eyes met Saeran's as he looked at you with slight concern, "Oh," your fingers kept snapping the thin rubber unconsciously, "yeah. It's helped… a little. I just can't really focus."

He nodded slightly as he took a seat next to you on the floor, turning his attention to your computer, the code for one of your client's sites sitting untouched in front of you. "Have you finished?"

"Well… no. This is as far as I got. I feel like my brain is in overdrive but still… empty at the same time."

"Yeah, I get that. Umm, would you, like some help?" He mumbled out the end of his question, turning his head away slightly.

"I couldn't ask that of you… Besides, it's just cleaning up some sloppy code on my part; it's not that big a deal."

His hands were on the keys before you could protest further, "That wasn't exactly a question… I'd like to help, as long as that's alright. This doesn't look like much needs to be changed anyway. Besides, my idiot brother hasn't left his computer in over a day and he doesn't listen to me…"

You caught his pleading side glance as he began working through the code, his hands moving swiftly over the keys as you moved to stand. "I hadn't noticed… Alright, I'll go check on him."

Your feet moved mechanically as you walked to the door of Seven's computer room, you knocked lightly and waited for a response on the other side. After a minute of waiting, you silently opened the door and made your way through the dark room towards the blaring wall of monitors. "Seven." No response, "Seven, hey, how long have you been in here?"

He flinched at your light tap on his shoulder, motioning for him to take off his headphones as his eyes unglued themselves from one of the bright screens, "Huh? Do you need something?"

You sighed as you realized he hadn't heard you, though you could empathize with getting lost in code. "I was wondering how long you've been in here. Saeran's getting worried. Have you eaten anything?"

He motioned towards the empty bags of Honey Buddha chips lying around his desk, "I've been eating. It hasn't been that long, maybe 30 hours?"

You glanced at his monitors, seeing that he had multiple projects open, though it looked as though he was at a good stopping point on all of them, before gently grabbing his arm to lead him away. "Come on, you need some real food and then you need to sleep. I haven't eaten yet today either, we'll find something together okay?"

He grumbled slightly, but let you pull him out of his chair, glancing at your wrist as you let go and began snapping again. "Alright, fine, I guess I can take a small break, but I can't afford to sleep, I'm nearly done."

He grabbed your free hand mid snap, startling you as you walked towards the kitchen. "Saeyoung Choi, if you don't get at least three hours of sleep I am going to sic Saeran on you."

You both chuckled as you crossed the living room, hearing a brief snort coming from said brother, still swiftly typing away. "Okay, okay, you got me! God Seven wouldn't dare face the wrath of his dear brother AND his partner in crime at once! But only three, and then I really need to get everything done."

You conceded, attempting to free your hand from his grasp as you reached for the fridge door, "Alright, but Seven, I need my hand to grab the food."

His gaze shifted to your wrist, red from your constant snapping, before reluctantly letting you go. "Right. Uh, so what are we having?"

You scanned the fridge's contents, blissfully unaware of his gaze glued to your wrist, "I think there are leftovers from my dinner last night. Should be enough for both of us… I didn't eat much."

You watched in silence as Seven scarfed down the leftovers, having picked at your own already. You ate enough to waive off the hunger that ate at your stomach, but you had reached a point where eating made you nauseous more than anything. Handing your plate to Seven, he eyed you warily as you sighed and placed it next to his own, "You have the rest, you look like you were starving with the way you're eating."

He stopped to meet your eyes, "You hardly touched it, you need to eat too."

Your eyes shifted to the wall next to you, unable to keep his gaze, "It's fine, I ate what I could. I'm just not feeling too well… I'll eat something else later."

He hesitated as his eyes went from you to the plate now before him, his brain working a thousand miles a minute, "If I have to sleep, you have to promise to eat later then, okay?"

"Yeah," you left your chair and turned to return to your computer to check on Saeran, "I will. Promise. Eat all you want and get some sleep."

He watched your retreating form in silence, not missing your hand moving to your wrist once again, and went back to his food.

Saeran averted his gaze from your laptop as you sat next to him, "He's going to get some sleep, right?"

"Yeah," you smiled lightly as your eyes found their way to the current line of code he was on, "three hours. If he doesn't, I will personally hide every single bag of Honey Buddha chips and can of PhD Pepper in this house until he does."

Saeran smirked, "Vindictive woman."

You met his smirk with your own while drawing attention back to the laptop, "Only when necessary. So you're almost done? I can take over; I think I can focus now."

Always snapping, and Saeran, much like his brother, did not miss the redness of your wrist, but elected to ignore it for the time being, "It's fine, there's only twenty lines left. There was hardly anything to change. Can't believe some idiot was worried enough about it to make you change anything."

"Well my clients pay top dollar for this, I'm nowhere near the best, but that's what they pay me for."

He scoffed and began typing again, you scanning carefully as he continued, "I guess."

Three hours had passed. Saeran finished editing and you had submitted it. You were now sitting alone, idly eating chips as the sounds from whatever was on the TV played in the background. You couldn't make out a single word, the thoughts in your head blocking out everything. This was fine, right? No. Nothing is alright, you're a mess and you're only burdening them. You couldn't even do your own work.

You hadn't noticed Seven standing next to you until he stuck his face right in front of you, "I said to eat, not be like me and only eat chips all day."

You blinked your eyes as they adjusted to the sight of him, your hand stopping midway to your mouth, "Well hey, only those who are stupid, lost, or have no will to live eat snacks all day, right?"

The dark chuckle that left your mouth surprised you both as Seven's eyes darkened and his hands clamped onto your wrists, "MC, don't talk like that. If something's wrong you can talk to me. I told you I'm always here, right?"

He saw your eyes flash with fear before you blinked and plastered on a smile, "I'm fine Seven, it was only a joke. I know you're here for me, nothing's wrong."

The two of you stared at each other in silence, you trying to suppress the fear of him asking any more questions, and him searching your eyes for any hint that you might want to talk. After what felt like forever, he gave up, causing you to mentally sigh in relief as he slowly let go of your wrists and backed away. "Okay, I'll believe you, but please don't hesitate to talk to me if you need to…" He snatched the bag of chips away from you with a smile and made his way to the computer room, "The Defender of Justice must return to his work!"

You waited to hear the click of his door before falling back on the couch. You knew he didn't believe you, he knew you too well for that, but he didn't push, he never pushed. You began counting the bumps on the ceiling, snapping with each labored breath you took. This couldn't go on much longer, Seven knew you still weren't alright, even Saeran knew, and that killed you. How long could you keep doing this to them? How long before they got tired of you? How long before their kindness ran out? They have more important things to be worrying about than you, you can't count on their pity forever.

Seven stretched as he walked into the living room, having finished all his current work, making a beeline for the couch to watch his favorite show, "Mister Chef". He half expected you to be working, so he was surprised to see you had fallen asleep. As he got closer, he gently picked up your feet and put them on his lap as he took a seat, quickly changing the channel. He didn't expect to see tears streaming down your unconscious face though, tenderly wiping them away before turning back to the TV, not wanting to wake you.

You woke with a start, heart pounding and breath hitching as you clutched your chest. You had only been dreaming, but you couldn't shake the feeling of dread as you attempted to slow your breathing, ultimately unsuccessful and unaware of your surroundings. Hands clutched your shoulders, and you could feel the tight grip on you, but you couldn't see, couldn't breathe, everything was fuzzy.

Seven began to panic as he gripped your shoulders, trying to figure out the best course of action. He knew this was a panic attack, having had a few of his own and helping his brother through a few, but everyone was different, he had no clue how to help you. "MC! MC, please listen to me okay? I'm right here, I'm with you. I will help you however I can, please, is there anything you need? Can you tell me?"

You hardly even heard him between your gasping breaths, but you managed to force out a short reply, "Steam."

"Steam? Okay. I'm going to carry you now alright?" You did your best to nod as he picked you up bridal style and headed towards the bathroom.

He sat you down in the corner next to the tub after hastily throwing down some towels for you to sit on. He made quick work of turning on the shower and cranking it up as high as it could go before taking your hands, "MC, is there anything else you need?"

You shook your head, though you couldn't tell if it was visible as you felt your whole body shaking, "N-no."

He sat down right in front of you, though far enough away to give you some space while keeping your hands firmly in his. "Alright. Just stay with me then, okay? I promise you'll get through this, it will pass, and everything will be okay."

He had you breathe with him until the bathroom was full of steam. Once you had begun breathing more normally he had you touch the things around you, asking you to tell him what they were, constantly reassuring you that it was okay and that he was there for you. This went on for twenty minutes until you felt you could finally breathe again and were sure you were safe.

You breathed in deep and leaned forward until your forehead was resting on his shoulder, "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Seven…"

He traced circles on the tops of your hands and scooted a little closer so you wouldn't fall over, "You have nothing to apologize for, MC. It's okay. You're here and you're safe and that's all that matters."

"I-I haven't had one of those in months. I don't… I'm sorry, for making you deal with all of my shit. You don't have to."

You felt him squeeze your palms as he shook his head, "I don't care if I don't have to, MC, I want to. I promised that you don't have to hurt alone, didn't I? I'm here for you 606."

You felt your lips twitch up slightly as you exhaled, "Yeah… I know." But for how long?

Snap. Two more weeks passed. Snap. You had managed to get the rest of your work done, slowly but surely, but nothing changed. Snap. In fact, it seemed like things just kept getting worse. Snap. You hardly ate, you logged into the messenger a total of two times since that night, and your panic attacks seemed to come back at you with full force every other night. Snap. Things could still get better, right? Snap.

You were tired, so, so tired. It felt like ages since the last time you had gotten more than a few hours of sleep at a time, and it was wearing you out. You awoke on the couch to the sounds of voices in the kitchen and made your way over. There was one more voice than usual, and you found it to be Yoosung's as you stood next to the doorway, just out of sight.

"Is she really okay? She hardly logs into the messenger anymore and I haven't seen her in LOLOL for weeks." The younger boy's voice sounded concerned.

"I forgot that she played." That was Saeran, the same monotone he had when he didn't want to talk.

"She used to be number three on the server! She's dropped down a lot, but I thought she liked the game. Seven, are you sure everything's okay? You've read the messages; it's not just me who's worried!" Yoosung was pleading now.

You heard a sigh escape from Seven before he started speaking, "She's just busy, like I told you, she has a lot going on…"

"Seven, I thought we were all done with secrets. Don't lie to me! Everyone is worried and this isn't normal!"

You couldn't bear to hear anymore, quickly grabbing your phone and leaving, sneaking out of the house as quietly as you could. This wasn't fine. You hated making people worry about you, and it seemed to you like that's all anyone was doing anymore. This couldn't continue.

The room was tense as the three boys stared at the floor. They had been arguing about this since Yoosung got there, and Seven was tired of it. He was thankful to his brother for keeping Yoosung fairly calm, but the guilt of a secret that wasn't his to tell was eating him alive. He wanted to tell him what Zen did, how it broke you, how you hadn't been eating, how you stared off at nothing most of the day, and how you were losing sleep because of the panic attacks, but he couldn't. You hated when people worried about you, you liked dealing with things on your own and not burdening others with your problems. Regardless of the fact that he knew no one in the RFA would ever feel burdened, he respected your wishes.

They were all broken out of their silence as the familiar notification of the messenger rung out from all three of their phones. Yoosung was the first to check, "Wait, she's in the messenger? I thought she was asleep."

This piqued everyone's interest as Saeran walked to the doorway to see that you were no longer on the couch, "Well she's not anymore."

All three quickly opened the chat.

Yoosung has entered the chatroom.

Saeran has entered the chatroom.

707 has entered the chatroom.

Yoosung: MC!

707: MC where are you?

Saeran: You're not on the couch…

MC: I'm not. I just came here to say some things.

Jaehee Kang has entered the chatroom.

Jaehee Kang: MC, it's good to see you.

MC: Jaehee…

Jaehee Kang: Yes MC?

MC: I just wanted to say that you are a beautiful person and I truly hope that you find happiness in your life again.

Jaehee Kang: I… thank you. What brought this on MC?

MC: Please tell Jumin to say hello to Elizabeth for me, and that I hope he reaches out to people and expresses his emotions more.

Jaehee Kang: Okay… I will tell Mr. Han.

Yoosung: MC, what's all this about?

MC: Yoosung. I want to thank you for always being kind, please never stop supporting Saeyoung and Saeran and everyone in the RFA. You have a beautiful future ahead of you if you just apply yourself.

707: MC, I searched the whole house and you're not here, where did you go?!

MC: Saeran, thank you for helping me out. You have come so far and I am so happy for you, please don't stop moving forward, I know it makes Saeyoung happy.

Saeran: Uh…

Yoosung: MC, why aren't you responding to us?

MC: Someone please tell Zen that I hope his career only continues to soar and that I wish nothing but the best for him.

707: If you don't answer I'm going to track you down!

MC: Saeyoung… Luciel… Seven… I'm sorry. Thank you for everything. Thank you for always being there for me.

MC: Goodbye.

MC has left the chatroom.

Yoosung: MC!

Jaehee Kang: This is troubling…

Saeran: Crap.

707 has left the chatroom.

Saeran has left the chatroom.

Yoosung: I don't know what's going on but they just started walking really fast, I'm going to follow them.

Jaehee Kang: Please inform me if something is wrong.

Yoosung has left the chatroom.

Seven was running to his computer faster than he thought possible, Saeran and Yoosung not far behind. This was not okay. His only thought was finding you as fast as possible. "I knew I should have put a tracker on her…"

He booted up his computers and immediately went to work tracking down your phone's IP, once again. Yoosung was asking questions a mile a minute, but Seven didn't hear any of it. "What's going on? Why was she saying all that stuff? Is she leaving the RFA?"

Saeran was the one to answer as Seven bolted out of his chair towards the garage and they followed closely behind, "Yoosung, think about it for a second. None of her things are gone; she left without saying anything, if she were just leaving the RFA, would she really leave all of her things behind?"

The tension could be cut with a butter knife as they piled into the car and Seven input coordinates into the GPS. "Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Why didn't I put a tracker on her?!"

You stared at your phone, tears streaming down your face as you chucked it over the bridge, "I'm so sorry… Everyone, please just be happy…" You waited to see the phone submerged in the water below before climbing over the rail yourself. Standing between the metal slats and holding onto the railing behind you, you looked down at the water and took a deep breath. It would be better this way, it had to be.

You weren't sure how long you stood there, staring at the water, but you knew you were ready when your fingers began loosening their grip on the railing without your telling them to. You closed your eyes and leaned forward, "I'm sorry…"

The world went blank. One moment you were falling, the next you were pulled back over the railing, and now you were being crushed in an embrace by desperate arms. You couldn't tell if your eyes were simply clenched shut, or if everything around you went dark, but you could feel the body holding you shaking as choked sobs wracked through their body.

"W-why?" The voice was familiar, the one thing you could recognize in the void that was your world, and you tried to pinpoint it, tried to follow it back to reality, but you couldn't speak, couldn't see. "Why would you try to throw your life away?! MC… MC, I can't live in a world without you… why would you…"

"I-" your eyes began to focus on the form around you, your mouth moving on its own, "I can't do this anymore… I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep telling myself that everything will be okay. It's not okay…" all you could see was Seven, shaking and crying on your shoulder, his arms desperate to keep you there, as if he would break the second he let go, and you fell against him. "I'm not okay… I'm an inconvenience, a burden to everyone I meet. Just… just be happy without me… please… I can't…"

"I can't…" his voice was quivering, the strain to hold back sobs as he spoke was evident to you, and it tore you up inside, "MC, I can't be happy without you, none of us can. You… you're my best friend, one of the most important people in my life. You gave me my brother back, you gave me a reason to hope and feel happy again, and… and I know everyone in the RFA feels the same."

A new voice spoke up, Yoosung, his voice twisted with pain; you could see the look on his face in your mind, "He-he's right, MC! I couldn't imagine a world without you in it! You gave us all a reason to be happy again! How could the RFA continue without you?!"

"Ha!" you choked, your chest and throat tightening as you struggled to push words out, "The RFA was always fine without me, anyone could have done what I do. I'm not special and I never was, no one needs me. I'm not worth your tears or your thoughts. This… this is me. I'm not a happy person, I just, pretend to be, because it made everyone else happy. I don't deserve to have people care about me, so just… stop."

Seven's arms tightened around you as he lifted his head from your shoulder, waiting for you to lift your face to meet his gaze. You could see tears still streaming down his face as he spoke gently, "I refuse. MC, I refuse to stop caring about you, I always have and I always will, and I promise you that everyone else cares too. You've kept us together through everything, even if you were falling apart yourself. You deserve so much more than we've given you and I'm… I'm sorry that we weren't there for you. I didn't realize… I'm so sorry MC. Please let us be there now, let me be here for you, we can get through this. Please don't give up."

You felt your eyes burn as he finished, finally giving in and crushing him in an embrace to match his own, "I just wanted to make everyone happy… You all mean so much to me, but I couldn't even make everyone happy, S-Saeyoung! I'm broken! I c-couldn't make Zen happy and I can't make you happy. I'm no good… W-why would anyone want someone like me in their life?"

A small flash of anger flashed through his eyes, but was quickly replaced with warmth as he placed his forehead against your own, "Zen was an idiot… he hurt you, and you didn't deserve it, but you did make him happy... You make everyone who meets you happy, and he was stupid to throw that away, that doesn't mean everyone else would throw it away though. But your happiness matters too, MC, and I'd give anything to see you find it again. You fixed me when I was broken, and you helped everyone else too; give us a chance to help you."

"I… I don't know how to do that."

"Then we'll figure it out together, okay?"

"I… I-I'll try." Your voice was now a whisper, "Thank you for not giving up on me…"

"Of course," he kissed your forehead and buried his face in your shoulder once again, matching your tone, "I will always be here for you if you let me, and we'll figure this out."

In the background, Saeran grabbed Yoosung, still a blubbering mess, and started leading him to the car, stopping to whisper to you, "We'll wait in the car. Take your time, and, uh, you can talk to us when you're ready."


A/N: This is not the final chapter, I'm actually not sure how many chapters this is going to have yet, it took a whole new turn from where I originally intended. For those who don't know, snapping a rubber band is an alternative to self-harming. Not all issues have been resolved at this point, obviously, but I do plan on resolving them all at some point so if you like this story please look forward to more! When? I'm not sure, and I apologize, but I write when inspiration hits and I have no plans to drop this story at this time.