Chapter Two: First Steps

Lily managed a few moments of uneasy sleep after she finished crying, but by the time dawn came she knew any further rest was a lost cause. Instead, she rose and dressed, getting ready for the day. She had two more OWL's, History and Ancient Runes. A part of her wanted to find a quiet corner to study, but she had other, more pressing concerns to manage first. In particular, one thought dominated her mind.

She needed to speak to Severus.

She glanced out the window of Gryffindor Tower. It was early, but Severus had always been an early riser. A glance at the clock indicated that curfew would have lifted a half-hour before. There was a chance that Severus would be in the library, doing last minute revisions. After all, he had the same OWL's she did.

Lily gathered her books, then made her way through the quiet corridors to the library. There were few students about. Most slept in when they could. Only the Ravenclaws were likely to be up studying, and they usually remained in their Tower which, rumor had it, had it's own library.

There was no one visible in the library, not even the gruff librarian, when she entered. Lily still kept her steps quiet as she made her way between the shelves, seeking out the isolated corner in the back where she and Severus had often studied together, before House loyalties and other concerns had begun to drive them apart.

Luck was with her. She rounded the last set of shelves to spot a familiar lanky figure hunched in the corner chair, a stack of books at his elbow.

Severus wasn't studying. Instead, he looked to be brooding, dark hair hiding his expression and his face turned towards the window, staring out at the distant lake. Out at the tree where he had been humiliated the day before. Lily felt her heart clench.

If she hadn't come back, he'd have been alone….

She cleared her throat carefully and Severus spun around, defensive and on guard, hair whipping around his face. He spotted her but didn't relax, instead looking more wary than ever. "Lily."

"Hey." She stepped closer. "Can we...I was hoping we could talk." She kept her voice low, calm, not wanting to rile him.

"I thought you didn't want to speak with me." Severus scowled. Before, she might have been put off by his expression, but now she could see the hurt that lay underneath his glower.

"I know. I changed my mind." She moved a careful step closer. "Severus?"

He turned away from her, shoulders hunching. Lily waited. Finally, words emerged. "Are you still angry with me?" The question wavered, his tone somewhere between tentative and sullen.

"A bit. But not the way you think." She owed him honesty.

"That's no answer." Severus's voice transformed into a rough snarl. "Either you are or you aren't, but say what you mean."

She squashed the urge to raise her voice to him, knowing it would only make him more defensive. "I did say what I meant, Severus Snape. I am still a bit angry with you, but it's probably not the way you're thinking it is." In spite of her efforts, her tone was sharp, and Severus flinched.

Awkward silence fell. Lily exhaled, reminding herself that Severus was defensive and prickly by nature, had most likely been brooding about yesterday, and was probably still stinging from the words that had passed between them. She would have to be the adult in this situation, be patient with him.

She exhaled again, forcing herself to calm down. "I didn't come here to row with you, Sev." The nickname she hadn't used in years made him twitch, but she hoped it would convey her sincerity and make him relax. "I truly did come here just to speak with you. So...can we talk or not? Without fighting, I mean."

Severus didn't answer, but after a moment his shoulders relaxed a fraction, and he gestured. The chair across from him slid out with a near-silent scrape of wood on stone.

Lily smiled. Severus had always been interested in wandless and wordless magic. "You've been practicing."

Severus relaxed a fraction further, slumping towards the table. His head ducked, long hair hiding his expression. "Yeah. I have."

"Did you get a chance to show the examiners?"

Another shift of his shoulders. "I did, a bit. I'm not as good with Charms as I am with Defense...but I did a silent Lumos in the exam." There was a bit of pride in his voice. Then he shifted, and his tone went low and frustrated. "I can't do it with Transfiguration though."

"It's still impressive, what you've managed so far. I mean, we're only Fifth Years!" She grinned at him, watching him relax under her praise. "I'll bet you get extra marks for it. In fact, I'm sure that if you did any non-verbal magic at all, you'll get an O. That'll guarantee you three, right?"

"Maybe. I hope…." His words died away. He seemed to suddenly be struggling. Then the words burst out of him. "Lily, yesterday, I truly...I didn't mean…I really didn't..." He bit his words off, but the dark eyes that finally rose to meet hers were anguished. "I didn't mean it." The last words were a whisper.

"I know. I wanted to talk to you about that." Lily set her books to the side. "Actually, the reason I came to the library...I was looking for you. To talk about yesterday, and last night."

Severus winced and hunched away from her. "Well, go on then."

Lily took a deep breath. "I wanted to apologize."

"You...what?" Severus jerked his head up to stare at her, a rare expression of amazement on his thin face.

"I wanted to apologize." Lily swallowed. "Yesterday...I was hurt when you called me that word, but I didn't have to join in with that toerag Potter. As much as I've laid into him about calling you names like that, I ought not to have started calling you...those words, either. And what I said about your clothes was just cruel. I mean, I know no one else really knows, but I know what life is like for you during hols…."

"Don't." Severus shook his head. "I don't want to..."

"Sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up here." She knew he was sensitive about his home life. And about any mention of it in school, where someone might overhear. Particularly if there was even the remotest chance that Potter might overhear.

Severus relaxed a fraction, and she took that as an invitation to continue. "And last night. I know you meant it, when you apologized. I shouldn't have brushed you off like that. Not after the trouble you went to." To say nothing of the trouble he'd have been in, if the Marauders had caught him, or the teachers after curfew. Or even if Peeves had been of a mind to prank him. "I am concerned, but I should have at least heard you out."

"Concerned?" His eyes widened.

"About a lot of things, Sev." She reached out and touched one thin hand with her own.

So thin. She'd never really noticed how Severus always seemed to be verging on gaunt, even during the school year.

"What is it Lily?" the dark eyes fixed on her, concerned and hopeful and painfully uncertain.

She bit her lip, wondering how to respond, how to phrase it in a way that wouldn't upset him and make him withdraw again. "Sev, I know, being Slytherin and all, you do have to spend time with your year-mates and your housemates. With people like Avery and Rosier and Wilkes. But...the things they do...some of them at least...do you really like doing those things, hurting people? Calling people those foul terms?"

Severus looked away. "I don't." The words were mumbled, but at least audible. "But, Lily, you have to understand...they think it's jokes, just harmless fun, and anyway, I can't...and they're no worse than Potter." He spat the last word.

"That might be true, but do you really want James 'Toerag' Potter to be your standard for good behavior? Or any of the Marauders for that matter?" She fixed him with what she hoped would be a stern look rather than an accusing one.

Severus glanced at her, then flushed a dull red. "Well, no, but...Lily..." He struggled with words, then closed his mouth and looked away.

She sighed. "I know you have to live with them, Sev, and I know you can't antagonize them too much. I'm just asking you to think about it. That's all. Think about if that's the kind of person you want to become. Do you really want to be like Avery? Or like Potter?" She lowered her voice. "Or like...him? Your...?" She left the word unspoken, knowing he would understand.

Severus jerked, staring at her. "I'd never!" His voice was rough with loathing and anger, and a little hurt. He yanked his hand away, folding in on himself.

"I know you wouldn't mean to." Lily kept her voice low and reasonable. "But you didn't mean to call me Mudblood yesterday either. At least, that's what you said."

Severus flinched. "I didn't. I swear I didn't."

"I believe you. But do you see what I mean, Sev?" She kept her gaze locked on his face.

"I...I guess." Severus slumped. "I hadn't thought of that. And it...it's hard, you know." He gestured vaguely.

Her heart went out to him. She almost came around the table to hug him. But that would be out of character for their current relationship, she knew, and she didn't want to startle him or make him suspicious. She just wanted to mend things. And, perhaps, to start him thinking in a different direction.

She steeled herself. "I know Sev, but there's something else." She waited until he looked at her. "You know what they...what Avery and the others think about people like me. And you know, you have to guess at least, that they know your name, and that you're a half-blood. And that they might make you prove yourself to them, if you really want to be friends and hang around with them."

Severus flushed again. "I...I do know. They've hinted at it." More than hinted, by the look on his face, but Lily didn't press the matter.

"In that case...what if they told you that in order to fit in, to get their friendship and protection, you had to hurt me?"

Severus jerked upright, his dark eyes wide and horrified. "I wouldn't! I...I could never…Lily, I could never…I wouldn't ever..."

"You wouldn't mean to. But you might anyway, if it were something like yesterday." She finished for him.

Severus's mouth snapped closed, his earlier flush disappearing as he paled, looking almost sick. "Lily...you can't believe that I'd...that I'd ever..."

"I don't think you'd do it on purpose Sev. But I think you might be forced into it, if things go the way they have been. Like you were yesterday. And I know you'd be sorry, but...sorry might not help enough next time."

Severus flinched. Lily watched him struggle. She longed to reach out to him, but she didn't quite dare. Severus needed to find his own way.

The great clock chimed, signaling the start of breakfast. Lily rose and gathered her books. Severus didn't move. In fact, he still looked stunned and rather sick. On impulse, Lily came around the table to put a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Severus looked up, turmoil in his eyes, and Lily felt her heart break a little for him. She offered him a sad, soft smile. "I want to help you, Sev. I know I can, but you have to let me. I can't do anything if you won't let me. Please think about it. I know...there are a lot of things, but please, think about what I've said. And come find me when you've an answer."

She didn't give him a chance to respond. Instead, she gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze, then left.

***SS***

Severus heard the bell sound for breakfast, but he couldn't have moved even if he wanted to. Not even a Petrificus Totalis could have frozen him in place more completely than the feel of Lily's hand on his shoulder.

He'd thought after last night that she'd have nothing to do with him. He'd thought their friendship was finished, and any hope he'd ever had of anything more was lost forever.

He'd been mourning that loss, trying to think of some way to mend things when she'd interrupted his thinking.

The conversation that had followed that still shook him. Lily had apologized to him, for the first time he could remember. She'd apologized for what she'd said. He hadn't expected that. After all, she'd made it clear last night that she didn't think he was worth associating with any more.

Lily's behavior confused him. Her adamant dismissal of the night before and her gentle soothing of this morning contrasted too much. Besides...when had she ever understood his struggles in Slytherin House? Ever since Third Year, she'd had only negative things to say about his association with people like Wilkes and Avery and Rosier. Why was she suddenly so understanding? So accepting?

Not that she'd been exactly complimentary of his housemates. But at least she hadn't given him another lecture over them. As if he could help hanging around them, when they were his housemates and his year mates. Alienating them would only make his life harder than it already was. For now, his dorm-mates respected his intelligence and his skills enough to leave him alone in the common room, or even sometimes to trade him favors for tutoring. But if he antagonized them too much, that would disappear faster than a burned out Ashwinder.

Still...he couldn't suppress the shudder that moved through him when he thought of the questions Lily had raised. What would he do if one of his housemates told him to hurt Lily in order to prove himself? They'd already made remarks about his friendship with Lily, and pointed comments about how he'd be better off without her. He'd only kept them at bay by highlighting his rivalry with Potter, and making it clear that possession of Lily's attention was another point in the feud. Which had allowed him to keep his friendship with Lily, but had also cost him the protection of housemates who thought that he should fight his own battles if he was so determined.

He forced his mind back to the questions Lily had raised. He certainly didn't want to be compared to Potter in any way, and certainly not in a less complimentary fashion. He'd rather be compared to a troll. And hurting Lily was out of the question. Bad enough he'd insulted her yesterday, though he had the excuse of being under extreme duress. There was no way he would be willing to hurt her. But she was right, he'd be in trouble among his housemates for sure if he refused a challenge like that. Not even his rivalry with Potter, and his desire to 'win' Lily would protect him if they thought he was disloyal to their ideals.

Which left Lily, and her nebulous offer of 'help'.

He was suspicious of it. Her change in behavior had been too sudden, her attitude this morning far too understanding. He didn't entirely trust that it wasn't a trick. If it had been anyone but Lily, he would have spat on their offer and turned them away, if he hadn't hexed them first for daring to insult his pride. He wasn't sure he shouldn't do the same thing now.

But it was Lily, and he didn't want to lose her. It seemed ridiculous to feel that way, after the events of the day before but still, it was true. He didn't want to lose Lily's friendship.

And for all his hurt, and all his angry pride, he was curious. After all this time, how did she possibly think she could help him? What would she do?

Lily was the only one who knew where he lived. Who knew about his parents, about his situation. He'd sworn never to tell anyone else, even if most of Slytherin House knew who his mother was, and that she'd disgraced herself marrying his father. He'd sworn they'd never know anything else about him, which was why he'd taken the nickname 'Half-Blood Prince'. Lily was right that there was no hiding his parentage, but he'd done as much as he could to minimize it's impact in his dorms.

But it wasn't enough, and he knew it. His nickname couldn't hide the condition of his patched and too-short robes. His brilliance in Potions and spell-work couldn't make up for the fact that his books were all worn hand-me-downs in dubious condition.

The clock chimed again, signaling that breakfast was almost over. Severus considered trying to get to the Hall before the last of the food vanished, then dismissed the thought. It wasn't the first meal he had skipped, and it wouldn't be the last, most likely. Besides, he wasn't hungry, his stomach still knotted from the last twenty-four hours. And anyway, he could get something from the House Elves if he got hungry later.

In the meantime, he had more OWL's to get through, and Lily's offer to consider.

He shrugged, then picked up his Ancient Runes textbook. He had another hour before his exam. Ancient Runes were complex, but he enjoyed them. They were a welcome diversion from his confusion over Lily.

Severus put Lily's offer to the back of his mind, and bent over his textbook.

Author's Note: So...Lily's made the first step. But it's not going to be easy...