A/N: Thank you all so much for such a positive response to the first chapter! I really hope that the rest of the story lives up to your expectations.
As per my usual comment, I hope to have the next chapter up by next weekend … but, as you can see, I'm finding more time to write during this school year (so far) than I had anticipated. (Obviously, a very good thing.) So, maybe I'll be able to post sooner!
Thanks for reading and reviewing. Enjoy!
I don't own CSI.
Solitude
"Okay. Assignments."
"Whoa, Griss, hang on a sec."
Grissom glanced over the tops of his reading glasses, focusing on the frowning face in front of him. "What's wrong, Nick?"
Nick looked at his supervisor as though he had lost his mind. "Where's Sara? She never misses the start of shift."
Grissom cleared his throat. "She's taking some vacation time."
"Sara?" Warrick asked in shock. "I didn't think she knew how to take vacation time."
"Well, apparently, she does," Grissom said a bit shortly. "Can we get to work, please?"
The guys stopped their grumbling about Sara forgetting to say good bye to them and took their assigned case – a shooting in a suburban neighborhood – without further complaint. When they were gone, Catherine looked at Grissom.
"Okay, what's going on with Sara?"
"Who said anything is?" Grissom asked.
Catherine rolled her eyes. "Look, Gil, Warrick's right – Sara never takes time off. Did she tell you what's wrong?"
"Why are you assuming the worst?"
She looked at him closely. "You're hiding something."
"From you? Perish the thought."
"Why are you protecting her, Grissom?" Catherine asked.
"I'm not."
She narrowed her eyes and just looked at him for a moment.
Grissom sighed. "What do you want me to say, Catherine? That I forced her to take the time off?"
Catherine's eyes grew wide. "Did you?"
"Cath …"
"Grissom, I just –"
"Leave it alone, Catherine," Grissom said shortly, finally losing patience with her. "It's Sara's business, not yours. And, don't go around the lab trying to find out what's going on. You know Sara. If she didn't tell our team, she didn't tell anyone."
"You're right," Catherine admitted. She looked at him closely. "You didn't fight with her again, did you? She hasn't quit, has she?"
He smiled. "No, I didn't do anything to upset her." He frowned slightly. "At least, I don't think I did."
Catherine sighed. "Well, that's a dangerous thought."
"Let's put it this way, then: According to the paperwork on my desk, she'll be back in three weeks."
"Good lord," Catherine said. "Is she going to China?"
"Catherine …"
"Right. You don't know anything, and you wouldn't tell me if you did."
He smiled. "That's right."
Catherine gave him a look of feigned disgust. "You know, there was a time when you always sided with me."
Grissom frowned. "I wasn't aware of ever taking anyone's side."
She laughed and shook her head. "Always such the politician."
"Come on, Sara. You can do this."
Sara looked up at the imposing brick building and took a deep breath. She had spent the past three days talking herself into the idea that she would being seeing a counselor again – something she hadn't done since exiting foster care at the age of eighteen. She hated opening up to anyone other than Mary. She wouldn't be here now, if not for the fact that Grissom had insisted.
"If you don't do this, he'll fire you," she reminded herself.
That thought was enough to propel her up the steps and into the building. She took the elevator to the third floor, and followed the hall down to the correct office. She opened the door and was greeted by a smiling receptionist.
"May I help you?"
"I have an appointment," Sara said, feeling the warmth rise in her cheeks. Oh, she so hated admitting that she had actually made an appointment for this.
The receptionist nodded. "Your name?"
"Sara Sidle."
He checked something on his computer and nodded. "You'll be seeing Christina in just a few minutes. I'll let her know you're here."
"Thanks."
Sara turned from him and took a seat in the waiting room. Only moments later, she was summoned into the inner office.
Christina had red hair, a wide smile and the most compassionate green eyes Sara had ever seen. As much as she hated everything about this experience, she had to admit that Christina did have a calming influence over her. Maybe she would be willing to share a secret or two, after all. Maybe.
"Hi, Sara," she said. "Have a seat."
Sara smiled and sat down in one of the cushy armchairs in the woman's office. Christina sat down opposite her, balancing a notebook on her knees.
"Do you mind if I take notes while you talk?"
Sara shook her head. "That's fine."
"Great. Okay, so, you're a CSI?"
"That's right."
Christina smiled. "When did you get into law enforcement?"
"Oh, it's been ages," Sara said thoughtfully. "Seven or eight years ago."
"You must like it, if you've stayed with it that long."
"I can't imagine doing anything else," Sara nodded.
"Good for you," Christina smiled. "Very few people can say that." She paused, as though waiting for Sara to say something. When Sara remained silent, she continued, "What made you decide to become a CSI?"
Sara sighed. She couldn't take these stupid questions designed to put her at ease while at the same time gleaning information. She decided to just tell Christina as much. "Look, Christina, you seem like a very nice person, so I'll be honest with you. I'm here because my supervisor mandated it after I was pulled over and nearly charged with DUI. I'm not good at sharing my thoughts and feelings, and I really don't like talking to counselors." She paused. "No offense."
"None taken."
"I'm sorry," Sara said. "I'm just not very good at this."
"Okay," Christina said. "I'll be honest with you, too."
Sara raised an eyebrow.
Christina put the notebook down on her knees and leaned forward. "You're a CSI," she said. "You're used to pulling the truth from reluctant suspects, right?"
"Right," Sara said slowly.
"Well, I'm a counselor. I'm used to pulling the truth from reluctant patients." She smiled. "We sort of do the same thing in that way. The problem I always have with CSIs and cops is that they think that they can outsmart me. They know all the tricks designed to make them fall and admit to some horrible sins. So, how about if we both cut the games? Let's just … talk. Tell me what you want to tell me, and I'll call it as I see it."
Sara couldn't help but smile. "All right," she agreed.
"Good," Christina smiled, leaning back in her chair again. "So, will you tell me about why you became a CSI?"
Sara looked thoughtful. "I suppose that was Grissom's doing."
"Grissom?"
"My supervisor," Sara explained. She paused. "I have both my degrees in physics. While I was doing my graduate work, I signed up for this seminar about the use of entomology in forensic science. It was fascinating. I had always planned to get a PhD in physics and teach at some university, but after that seminar, I decided to look into becoming a CSI." She shrugged. "I applied to the crime lab in San Francisco, got my first job in criminalistics, and here I am."
Christina nodded. "How does Grissom figure into all of this?"
"He was the lecturer at the seminar," Sara said.
"Ah," Christina nodded. "So, he sparked your interest?"
"Well, yes, but he also suggested that I look into criminalistics. He thought I'd be good at it." She smiled. "He was so excited when I told him that I was applying to the San Francisco lab … he even called in a favor to make sure that I'd get an interview."
"That was really nice of him."
She nodded with a smile.
"So, you became friends during the seminar?"
Sara nodded, feeling the warmth rising in her cheeks again. "I guess you could say my natural curiosity ran away with me. He was great about helping me learn all I could."
Christina looked at her closely, knowing in a heartbeat that there was far more to this than Sara was telling her. "Did you keep in touch after the seminar ended?"
"Yes," Sara said, knowing that the blush was still visible on her cheeks. "We mainly kept in touch via email, but we called each other from time to time, too."
Christina nodded. "You said you got your first job in San Francisco?"
"That's right. I grew up there; when I saw that they needed a physicist, I jumped at the chance to go back."
"You like it there?"
Sara shrugged noncommittally. "I suppose."
"Well, then, how did you end up in Vegas?"
"Grissom," Sara said with a somewhat apologetic smile. "One of the CSIs on his team was shot, and he asked me to come in and help with the investigation. After that, he asked me to stay and replace her."
"So, you just left your life in San Francisco and moved here because he asked you to?"
Sara frowned. "I didn't have much of a life in San Francisco, to be honest. My best friend had moved to Vermont for school, and I worked so much that I didn't have time to find new friends."
"What about your family? Are they still living there?"
Sara's face turned stony. "I don't have a family," she said with a finality that suggested that she did not want to be questioned about that further.
Christina nodded, filing that exchange away in her mind. "Have you found friends here in Vegas? Do you feel like you have more of a life here than you did in San Francisco?"
Sara nodded, her expression clearing. "I've become very close with my colleagues. They're incredible friends. Nick and Warrick … sometimes I think I'd be lost without them. I've never had friends like them before."
Christina smiled. "They sound like good guys."
Sara smiled and nodded. "They are good guys. Overprotective, but sweet."
"Any romantic interest?"
"In Nick and Warrick?" Sara laughed. "No way. They're like brothers to me."
"In Grissom?" Christina asked quietly.
Sara felt her stomach drop as the color and heat rushed to her face. "Can we not talk about this?"
"We don't have to talk about it now." Christina glanced at her watch. "We're out of time anyway."
"Thanks," Sara said, rising from her seat. "I'll see you the day after tomorrow, then."
"Right," Christina nodded, watching as her patient walked toward the door. "Sara … we will have to talk about it eventually."
Sara nodded, thinking that "eventually" could easily turn into "never." "I know."
Christina smiled. "See you soon."
Grissom sat in his office, staring blankly at the paperwork in front of him. He was having an awful time concentrating. He had been having problems focusing for over a week, something that was rarely an issue for him.
He sighed, knowing very well what was causing such problems with his concentration.
Sara.
Or, rather, lack of Sara.
He missed her. Terribly. More than he had ever thought that he would.
He just hated the thought of admitting it.
It was strange, really. Before she had moved to Vegas, they had been good friends. Obviously, living in completely different states, they had not been friends who went out together after work, but they had emailed or spoken nearly every day. And, somehow, after she had come to Vegas, they had drifted apart.
It didn't make any sense. They finally lived in the same city. They should be closer than ever. How could they possibly have gone from friends to … something less than friends?
Maybe it was the fact that they had shifted from "friends" to "coworkers." There was no need to make the effort to email or call daily when they knew they'd see each other at work. But, when they were at work, their entire discussions tended to revolve around their work. Grissom thought of the times he had walked into the locker room, the break room, the conference room, the garage, any part of the lab, really, to find Sara laughing with Nick, Warrick, Catherine, Greg, or even Hodges. Why didn't she laugh with him like that? Why didn't he try harder to make her laugh like that?
He sighed again, scrubbing his hands over his face. He missed his friend.
When Sara came back from her vacation time, he would tell her just that. He would do his best to make things right between them.
He wanted their friendship back.
"Can we talk about your relationship with Grissom?"
Sara gave Christina a wry smile. "Do you have the entire afternoon dedicated to me?"
"That complicated, huh?"
"Mm-hm," Sara nodded. She smiled. After spending two weeks seeing Christina nearly daily, she was becoming more and more willing to share things with her. She had talked all about Mary, about Hank, about her college boyfriends, about her work … but, she had avoided the two topics that caused her the most pain – the two that Christina needed to know about the most.
"Well, just start at the beginning," Christina said, curling up in her chair. "Let's see how much you can tell me today."
Sara sighed. "Grissom and I met when he came to Berkley to give a seminar on the role of entomology in forensics. I signed up for it because it sounded interesting. Mary said that I was killing myself by taking on so much, but I just … I needed to keep running." She shook her head. "I still do. I always need to keep running."
"Are you running from something?"
Sara shrugged. Christina nodded, thinking that she had a pretty good idea of what was going on in Sara's head.
"So, you met at the seminar?" she prompted.
Sara smiled at the memory. "I was late for the first lecture. I … I was enthralled by him right from the beginning. The way he spoke … the passion he had for his work …" She shook her head slightly. "I stayed after class to apologize for being late, and … I don't know. I just felt like we had this connection right from the beginning."
"Did you say anything to him about it?"
"God, no," Sara sighed. "I couldn't …"
Christina nodded. "Understandable."
"At first, I thought it was just the science that had captured my interest. And, it did. It still does. Forensic science is completely fascinating to me."
"But?" Christina prompted.
Sara smiled. "Grissom was always there. He was my mentor, the one who first nudged me into forensics. He spent so much time working with me during that seminar. We'd stay after class for hours talking about the lectures. He brought me extra books to read, took me out for coffee so that we could spend more time talking …" She sighed. "Mary knew I had a crush on him even before I did. I had never felt that way about an older man before, much less a teacher, and I didn't know what to do. So, I threw myself into being his star student.
"But, the seminar ended six weeks later, and he left. He gave me his contact information, and we stayed in touch. Like I said, we'd email and call.
"Then, a few years later, he called to ask me to come here to help with an investigation. Once it was over, he asked me to stay."
"What's your relationship been like since then?"
"Strange," Sara sighed. "One minute, he's all distant, the next he's my best friend, and the next he's on the verge of being my boyfriend. I don't know what to make of him or of our relationship." She sighed. "He'll go from barely speaking to me to telling me I'm beautiful to joking with me to sending me a plant to calling me 'honey' to turning me down for dinner …" She trailed off, blushing as she realized what she had admitted.
"You asked him out?"
Sara drew a deep breath and nodded.
"And he turned you down?"
Again, she nodded. "He said he didn't know what to do about 'this.'" She air-quoted the last word, her face twisting up at the memory.
"How have things been between you since then?"
"Strained, I guess. Then normal again. I don't know. Like I said, it's complicated." She laughed hollowly, then sighed. "I guess I just wish I could have our friendship back. I'd give anything to go back to the way we were during that seminar at Berkley."
"Hey."
Grissom looked up from the evidence he was logging in to see Greg standing behind him. "Hi, Greg. How are the interviews going?"
Greg gave him a beaming smile. "I've found myself a replacement!"
"Well done," Grissom said, unable to hide his surprise. "And, who will we be welcoming to the lab?"
"Chandra Moore," he said. "She said she can be ready to start in a week. She's moving here from Connecticut."
"Perfect," Grissom said. "I have your final proficiency scheduled for a week from today."
Greg paled. "That's Chandra's first day."
"Good. You'll be able to leave the lab, then."
Greg swallowed and nodded, forcing a smile. "What if we don't have a homicide that day?"
Grissom laughed. "Greg, please. This is Vegas."
"Will you tell me about your family?"
Christina asked the question so gently and softly that Sara barely heard it. She blinked. "My family?"
"Yes." Christina paused. "I know what you said before, but I really do think that this might be something that you need to talk through."
Sara drew a deep breath. "I didn't have a good childhood."
"I assumed as much." Christina paused. "Was one of your parents abusive?"
Sara nodded, feeling herself emotionally detach from the conversation. "My father."
"Physically?"
Another nod.
"Toward you?"
A shrug. "Mostly toward my mother."
"How long did she stay with him?"
A wry smile. A raised eyebrow. "Until she stabbed him to death."
Christina's eyes widened. She had not expected that. "How old were you?"
"Thirteen."
"Did you see it happen?"
A shake of her head. "I always stayed out of the way when they fought. I didn't go into the room until … it was quiet." The memories flooded her head and she swallowed thickly. "Can we stop, please?"
Christina nodded. "We'll talk more tomorrow."
Grissom lay awake in his bed, watching the sunshine crawl across his floor. He couldn't sleep. He knew that he needed to sleep if he wanted to be able to function properly at work, but he couldn't seem to make his eyes stay closed.
He sighed, sitting up in bed. If he couldn't sleep, at least he could be productive.
He wandered around his townhouse over and over, trying to find something to capture his interest. By the time he conceded defeat, he had scattered journals all over the floor, tossed books across the coffee table, turned on both the television and the radio, opened a blank document on his laptop to start an article he needed to write and started the washing machine. At least he would have clean clothes.
He finally found his way back to his bed. He lay down on his back and stared at the ceiling. Not for the first time, his thoughts drifted to Sara.
He wondered what she was doing. He wondered if her time off was helping her to find the peace that she so desperately needed. He wondered if the counseling was helping.
He wondered if she thought about him as much as he thought about her.
His cell phone rang loudly, disrupting the quiet of the bedroom.
"Sara," he muttered, reaching across to pick the phone up from his nightstand. He looked at the caller ID, feeling his heart sink as he read the small display. Sighing, he flipped the phone open. "Hi, Jim."
"Hi," he said cheerfully. "What are you up to?"
"Absolutely nothing."
"Great. I've got something for you to do. We've got a 419 at the Bellagio. It's all hands on deck."
Grissom sighed. "All right. I'll call the others."
At least this would save him from drowning in thoughts of Sara again.
"Well, here we are. Our final session."
Sara smiled. "Christina, I want to give you some massive credit. I have never told a counselor half of what I've told you … I've never told anyone about my family before. You are truly amazing at what you do."
Christina grinned. "Thanks."
"You are more than welcome."
She giggled. "Let's see if you're still impressed once I've given you your homework."
"Homework?"
"Of course. The point of all this is to help you, right? I'm going to tell you what I see in you that you can … well, maybe not change, but be aware of so that it doesn't cause you problems."
"Okay. Shoot."
"I think that you bottle up too much emotion," Christina started. "I think you need to let things go as they come so that you don't wind up doing something that you'll regret later."
"Like going out and drinking, then trying to drive myself home."
"Yeah, like that."
"No worries," Sara smiled. "That was the dumbest mistake I've ever made. I won't do it again."
"Good." She paused. "I think you look for validation in inappropriate places."
Sara frowned slightly. "I don't understand."
Christina nodded. "Why did you go into forensics?"
"Because Grissom –"
"Why did you move to Vegas?" Christina interrupted.
"Grissom –"
"Why are you here right now?"
Sara started to answer but caught herself, feeling her face flush slightly.
"These are three major life decisions that you've allowed yourself to make because you wanted someone else's approval," Christina said. "I'm not saying they were bad decisions. Obviously, they've all worked out very well for you. But, you need to decide things for you, Sara, not for Grissom or anyone else."
Sara nodded, feeling slightly ashamed of herself.
"And, Sara … I think you tend to choose men who are emotionally unavailable."
A host of boyfriends ran through Sara's mind. Evan, her boyfriend during her freshman year, had broken up with her because he didn't want to be tied down. Jason, her senior year boyfriend, and Hank had both cheated on her. And, Grissom …
"I think you might be right on that one," she said quietly.
"Yeah, I thought so," Christina sighed. "Just … be careful, Sara. You are an amazing woman, and I know you deserve more than those guys had to offer you."
Sara sighed and nodded.
"Now, for your final piece of homework."
"There's more?"
Christina nodded. "I think you need to talk to your supervisor about your family."
"Christina, I can't." Horror crossed Sara's face. "I've never told anyone … I can't …"
"It matters, Sara," Christina said gently. "The things you've seen and experienced are a huge part of who you are, and I know that they effect how you do your job."
Sara thought back to her first year in Vegas and sitting up all night with Grissom and a frozen pig to prove that a woman had been killed by her husband. After learning of the evidence of years of domestic abuse, Sara had been completely unwilling to believe that the woman had been killed by anyone but the husband. She had been right … but, any supervisor other than Grissom probably would have been considerably less accommodating of her mania to prove her theory.
"You're right," she whispered at last. "It does matter in my job."
"Tell Grissom," Christina urged. "I think it will make a huge difference."
Sara sighed. "I'll do my best."
