To Restore a Clan

A Naruto crack thing

By

EvilFuzzy9


Rating: T (for now?)

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Sasuke U., Karin, Sakura H., Naruto U.; [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

Summary: There was no such thing as a Clan Restoration Act, to Sasuke's disappointment. But that didn't mean it wasn't technically possible to have multiple women give birth to his children. It was just... a bit more complicated. [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]


"Congratulations on fulfilling your mission, Sasuke Uchiha. You successfully infiltrated the Hidden Sound village and gathered intelligence on their jutsu until such a time as you were able to assassinate their leader, the rogue ninja Orochimaru. You recruited a handful of Orochimaru's most important young followers and test subjects and dispatched the terrorist Deidara, who was responsible for the abduction and near death of the Kazekage, removing one of the Akatsuki's more dangerous members from play. Lastly, you tracked down and dispatched the traitor Itachi, who was responsible for the massacre of the Uchiha clan, and in doing so again significantly reduced Akatsuki's capabilities. For these and other meritorious accomplishments over the course of your mission, I hereby promote you, using all my authority as Hokage, to the rank of special jounin. Now that it is finished, I believe it is safe for me to declassify your assignment. Your services to the village will not go unrecognized."

There was a long silence as Tsunade finished, pausing to take a deep breath. She leaned over her desk, hands folded under her nose, looking intently at Sasuke and the others in the office.

"Wait, were you really on a mission from Konoha all this time?" said Suigetsu, his eyes widening as he looked at Sasuke.

The Hozuki clansman and former test subject had been considerably reluctant to come along to Konoha, but he had been even more reluctant to get left by himself in the middle of nowhere not far from the site of an Akatsuki member's death. So while he had ultimately agreed to follow the rest of Taka to Konoha—Karin coming because of the informally promised arrangement of a political marriage, Juugo because of simple loyalty to Sasuke—he wasn't exactly hyped about being here. Although he did appreciate the view of Tsunade resting her ridiculously large chest on her desk. But he could probably get a similar view if he went to Kirigakure, from what he'd heard about the new Mizukage.

Karin was too lost in rapturous fantasies to think much about what Tsunade said, but she was as pleased to hear all this as was someone who heard a renowned critic effusively praising one of their favorite stories.

Juugo looked at Sasuke in a new light. He wasn't unhappy at the idea that everything the man had done had been on the orders of his village.

For a long moment, Sasuke held Tsunade's gaze without faltering. He seemed perfectly cool and composed.

Then, without once compromising this appearance, he opened his mouth and spoke.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Yeah, Granny!" Naruto added. "What's all that garbage?"

One of Tsunade's eyes twitched. She eyed these two with annoyance and cleared her throat. She gave a meaningful look to Sakura and Kakashi.

Sakura was intelligent, and in many ways fairly perceptive. She knew the shinobi rulebook by heart, and she had enough familiarity with Tsunade, as the woman's student, to be able to gauge her intent. Kakashi was a jounin and village elite with two decades of battlefield experience. He was a former ANBU captain, and well-acquainted with the dirtier and more ambiguous politics of a ninja village.

These two, at least, could guess Tsunade's point.

But Sasuke was too straightforward to take the hint just yet. He opened his mouth again after a brief silence, likely intending to press the Hokage to explain these wild and (to him) irrational falsehoods.

"Oh," Juugo said, interrupting, being the first of Taka whom understanding reached. "I see. You're saving face for the village by pretending Sasuke's defection was part of a secret mission."

Tsunade did not dignify this with a response, but the slight gritting of her teeth suggested that Juugo had struck pretty close to the mark.

Suigetsu laughed, spotting this.

"I see!" he said. "So it's just politics, then. It'll make things look better for you if you play this off like it was planned from the start. Not a bad idea, I guess."

Tsunade twitched and shot a piercing look at the swordsman.

He stiffened and quickly paled, feeling a chill of deathly fear.

"As I was saying, Sasuke Uchiha," Tsunade said through gritted teeth, "now that you have completed your mission, it is safe for the rest of the village to know that your supposed defection was really just a ruse to let you infiltrate the Hidden Sound following their invasion. And once it was clear that they were no longer a threat, you turned your focus to Akatsuki and eliminated two of their members. Even if you actually had defected from the village, terminating Orochimaru or Itachi would be enough to excuse any such transgression, and dealing with both of them as well as Deidara would warrant a considerable reward. But the reality is tidier."

"Of course," Sasuke said, finally grasping what she meant. "It was my honor, Hokage-sama."

Once Juugo spoke, he'd understood Tsunade's aim. That didn't mean he necessarily agreed with her method, but he could see how this would be beneficial for both of them. Tsunade could assert that the whole situation with him had actually been under her control the entire time, much strengthening her position as Hokage. For his own part, he would be able to integrate back into Konoha as though there had never been any defection or collusion with traitors, which would be most convenient for his ambitions.

Even Naruto had gotten the hint by now, and while a part of him was clearly irked by the seeming unfairness of this, another part of him was visibly glad to have his friend back in the village. And it was a lesson on political maneuvering that might serve him well, should he one day become Hokage. He was a fairly honest kid by nature, so it was probably good for him to see now how certain kinds of lies could be useful to a leader. Not that it was good for a leader to be a habitual liar, of course, but neither was it good to be unconditionally honest.

Still, there was a touch of irritation, and a little confusion.

"What were our past missions, then?" Naruto interjected, giving Tsunade a somewhat sullen look.

"Covert exchanges of intelligence," Tsunade replied without missing a beat. "We couldn't afford to make frequent, direct contact with Sasuke without raising suspicion, but it was necessary to be able to pick up reports and leave instructions. So you, Naruto, cleverly proposed the cover story of attempting to bring Sasuke back to the village, allowing you to take periodic assignments to seek him out and try to make contact without raising the wrong kind of suspicions. By focusing people's attention on your announced determination to return Sasuke to the village, you were able to distract from the covert visits to pre-arranged exchange points, letting Orochimaru's people think that you were simply trying and failing to reach Sasuke himself. There were a few near missteps, but ultimately you carried out these assignments flawlessly. Keeping you a genin on paper was also conducive to maintaining this misdirection, but now that there's no further need for that, I see no reason not to have your rank officially updated to reflect your performance and abilities as a special jounin."

She gave Naruto a pointed look, making it clear that all of this was just bribery to make him second her official account. Despite his usual integrity, the blonde was sufficiently pleased at the idea of being promoted—to a higher rank than nearly all his peers, and not really undeservedly—that he simply smiled and nodded.

Sakura looked at her two male teammates, wondering if she should ask Tsunade what she would get in return for helping to cover the village leadership's collective ass. Before she could decide whether to say anything, however, Karin spoke up.

"Will you allow Sasuke-kun to take me and his teammate as his wives, then?" Karin asked. "Since he was actually working for Konoha this whole time?"

Her tone made it clear that she grasped perfectly well the power play that was going on here.

Tsunade gave Karin an unreadable look.

"Ah, yes," she said. "One of the Hidden Sound defectors. Korin, was it?"

"Karin, actually. Karin Uzumaki, if you want to be accurate."

Tsunade's expression didn't change outwardly, but her eyes lit up a tiniest bit.

"Of the Uzumaki clan?" she asked.

"No relation," said Karin sarcastically, pointing to her hair. "Yeah, I'm Uzumaki as in the Uzumaki. This Naruto guy is, too, right?"

"On his mother's side," Tsunade said. "But his father came from a civilian family."

"You know who my mom is?" Naruto exclaimed, staring at Tsunade in disbelief.

Tsunade gave him a blank look, in return.

"Don't you?" she said. "I mean it's hardly common knowledge, but haven't you ever asked anyone who your parents were?"

"N-Not really," Naruto said. "Not since I was really, really little, and I don't remember ever getting a clear answer. But it's kind of an embarrassing thing to ask, isn't it? For me, y'know. It's like..."

He gestured vaguely.

Tsunade shrugged.

"Well, for the record:" she said, "Naruto's mother was a Leaf ninja and refugee from Uzushiogakure. She was a member of the Uzumaki clan's main branch, and a near cousin of my own grandmother."

"Wait! You mean we're related, Granny?!" Naruto gaped.

"Geez," said Karin, giving Naruto a dismayed look. "Even I know that. Mito Uzumaki was one of our clan's most famous kunoichi. She used her sealing jutsu to help her husband—your first hokage—contain the Nine-Tails after Madara Uchiha tried to use it to destroy Konoha. I mean, maybe I know a little more about that stuff than most people because I'm an Uzumaki, but this is your own village's history. It isn't even something obscure or boring. You've got those giant ass statues in the Valley of the End where Madara and Hashirama-sama had their final battle. It's one of the most dramatic and formational parts of Konoha's history, right? How do you not know about it?"

She blushed a little, then, realizing that she had let herself get caught up in a rant. Vaguely concerned, perhaps, that Naruto would decide not to arrange a marriage for her with Sasuke if he decided that he didn't like her, she quickly and flatteringly added:

"Of course, I'm sure an honorable and forward-looking man like yourself simply feels no reason to bother with matters of ancient history when there's so much he can do in the here-and-now. Isn't that right, Naruto-sama?"

A beat.

"Nah, I was just really bad at school," Naruto said bluntly. "But wow. I'm related to the First Hokage, huh? That's crazy. I guess it's a small world after all."

"The world is big," said Sasuke. "But those with any meaningful power are few and closely tied. I'm a direct descendant of Madara, myself. Not that I consider this something to be proud of, given the things he did in his later life... but he still led the Uchiha in helping to found Konoha, and that isn't nothing."

He said this with emphasis on the aspects that would please patriotic sensibilities, prudently following the tone set by Tsunade.

"But didn't Karin-san ask Lady Tsunade a question?" drawled Kakashi, who had been busying himself with a third read of Icha Icha Tactics. "I think we've gotten a little off track."

"Fair enough," said Tsunade. She looked at Karin. "What were you asking about, again?"

"If you'll let Sasuke marry me and his teammate, Sakura."

"If I'll let him?" Tsunade said. She frowned. "I'd say this sounds a bit foolish, and that I think you're too young to make this kind of decision, but that as you are all of a legally marriageable age, I could hardly prevent it. Nor would it be my place to do so."

"No," Karin said, frowning. "I mean... can he marry both of us at the same time? I heard some say that kind of thing is illegal in Konoha, and I've heard others say that it's legal, and others still who say that it's legal on paper but that nobody with authority would actually go with it."

"Oh," said Tsunade, making a face. "Do you mean my grandfather's ridiculous pet legislation? I remember my mother badmouthing it all the time, when I was young. Grandpa was a hopeless romantic, and honestly just a hopeless person in general, outside of being a ninja. I remember he used to insist that his polygamy clause was purely for the best interest of lovers everywhere. It's so convoluted that I can almost believe this."

"Convoluted?" said Naruto.

"Yeah," Sasuke said. "It is pretty complicated, if I remember right. But I think it's essential to restoring the Uchiha clan. And let's be realistic: even if the average Uchiha was only a little better than other ninja, and even if most Uchiha didn't even take missions outside of the village once they reached adulthood, the sharingan is still a crucial asset for the village, and that bloodline can hardly be allowed to die out. But if I'm only able to take one wife, then there will be a significant limit to how quickly the clan can repopulate."

"Not that significant," said Tsunade. "Supposing you marry young, like you clearly intend, and that you start having kids as soon as possible, then even if you leave a couple years between giving birth and getting pregnant again, you could potentially have as many as eight kids by the time you're forty. But Sakura has my medical jutsu, and Karin is an Uzumaki. With these qualities in their favor, just one of them could potentially give birth to as many as twenty children over the course of their lifetimes. And that's only if we consider the purely pragmatic necessities of replenishing the Uchiha, anyways."

"But that's the primary consideration behind my desire to invoke the polygamy clause," said Sasuke, perhaps a bit coldly honest. Neither Karin or Sakura took this poorly, though. "And even using your most liberal estimates—which I think are well past the realm of credibility—assuming none of those children miscarry or die before they can have kids of their own, it would take two or three generations to return the Uchiha to their pre-massacre numbers. But I think we should be realistic. I don't think it's sound for Konoha to trust the restoration of such an important military asset to chance. It's best to hedge our bets, isn't it?"

"You've become a regular patriot," said Tsunade dryly. "But you aren't really that concerned about restoring the Uchiha for Konoha's sake, are you?"

"I faithfully carried out my mission, did I not?" replied Sasuke airily.

Tsunade laughed grimly, and the others watched in no small fascination as these two continued to fence with their wits and words.

"You're a cheeky little devil," she said. "I can see why some of my cousins were so hard against the Uchiha... but I don't personally have any problem with your clan. If you want to restore it that badly, and if you're willing to deal with the legal gymnastics, then I won't stop you kids from getting married. But I will give you a warning."

Tsunade leaned in close to Sasuke, and she looked sternly at his chin. Despite all pretense of confidence, she was a Senju by blood and upbringing, and she almost instinctively refused to meet an Uchiha's eyes. Someone who knew nothing of doujutsu might think this was a matter of denying them respect. But, really, it was simple self-preservation. Still, it probably hadn't helped the Uchiha feel welcome whenever people would actively avoid looking them in the eye. There were complicated feelings there, and more than just unthinking prejudice or stubborn pride.

But after a moment, and somewhat against her better judgement, Tsunade then raised her gaze and met Sasuke's eyes. Partly this was a gesture of defiance, an assertion of her pride and confidence, as Hokage, that Sasuke either couldn't or wouldn't snare her with a genjutsu. It was also a show of trust, a genuine risk taken to demonstrate that she was willing to treat him like a human being on his own account, regardless of his heritage and his powers.

Few of the people in this room knew enough of that unhappy history to appreciate the deep and intricate layers of meaning behind this. Perhaps only Tsunade was consciously aware of it. But Sasuke seemed to respond, seemed to register something significant behind her now direct and unflinching gaze, peering straight into his eyes.

"Sakura is my precious student," Tsunade said. "And Karin is a relative. If you mistreat, neglect, or abuse either one of them, I will use all of my powers as Hokage to make you wish you had decided to self-castrate and give up on restoring your clan."

The direct eye contact, combined with the cold steel of her words, struck a note inside of Sasuke. Not a happy or pleasant note.

Despite himself, he felt genuinely afraid for a moment.

Even if Sasuke were to assume that he could probably take Tsunade in a fight, maybe, since he had technically beaten Orochimaru, Deidara, and Itachi (and that would be a stretch, if he were to be honest with himself, since Orochimaru had been crippled before the fight, Deidara had blown himself up, and Itachi had kind of just dropped dead) he couldn't help but feel impressed and a little cowed by the Fifth Hokage's icy, unflinching stare.

"Uh... of course," he said, gulping. "I'll keep that in mind."

Tsunade smiled.

"Then we shouldn't have any problems," she said.

Sasuke felt determined to keep it that way.


Itachi's body was cremated, per standard procedure. Sasuke claimed the right to personally remove his brother's eyes, though, and dispose of them as-and-if he saw fit, as the de facto head of the Uchiha clan. He didn't plan on disposing of Itachi's eyes. Neither did he plan on implanting them. He just wanted to keep his options open.

His first day back in Konoha was a little hectic. He saw lots of people, and not all of them were welcoming. Despite Tsunade putting it on record that his actions had been part of an official mission, there were many among older generations whose prejudices against Uchiha had been stirred by Sasuke's defection (whether real or seeming), and others who were shrewd enough to read between the lines, and still others who had personally suffered or been hurt because of his actions.

Ino slapped him and said that she never wanted to see him again.

She made it two steps before turning right around and asking, in direct opposition to her previous statement, if he would make her one of his wives. Sasuke, his cheek still stinging, had told her he'd think about it—with no intention of actually doing so. She was pretty enough, and he supposed that if he was willing to marry Sakura, he should be just as willing to marry Ino.

But it wasn't that simple, of course. She was the heiress of her own clan, unlike Sakura who was the daughter of ordinary ninja, and Karin who came from a branch family. It would be a lot more troublesome to marry her than it would be to marry Karin or Sakura. Her family would probably want their children to be counted as Yamanaka, and considering that Sasuke was only one man, the Yamanaka clan's wishes would likely prevail. And he didn't exactly like the idea of the sharingan entering into the bloodline of another family, whatever rhetoric he gave about this being for the greater good of Konoha.

Also, he just wasn't really into blondes, and her personality rubbed him the wrong way. Karin and Sakura were a little less... full of themselves, he might say. Not that Ino was a bad person, or that Sakura and Karin were better than her. Sasuke just didn't want to be the man responsible for taking care of her as a spouse.

But this aside, Sasuke's first day back in Konoha was pretty busy. He had a lot of paperwork to sign, and a lot of calls to make, and a lot of people to apologize to for inconveniencing.

He wasn't sure whether or not it helped that so many people were following him.

Team Taka, he could understand. Karin was waiting breathlessly for Sasuke and Naruto to formalize the engagement, and before the two of them could do that they needed to assert themselves as the acting heads of their clans in the eyes of Konoha, which meant a lot of paperwork and promises and favors. Suigetsu was kind of stuck in the village for the time being, the Executioner's Blade having been temporarily confiscated. And Juugo was like a big puppy just following his master wherever he went.

Team Seven, old and new, Sasuke could also understand. Sakura was working with him to plan their wedding (her parents having been suspiciously quick to consent to the marriage), and Naruto was alongside him figuring out how to make himself the legally recognized head of the Uzumaki clan so that he could arrange Karin's marriage. Kakashi said that he felt nostalgic, seeing his group back together. Sai and Yamato bluntly informed Sasuke that they intended to execute him if he tried anything "funny".

Team Eight was pushing it. Maybe Hinata had an obvious crush on Naruto and secretly hoped, in this atmosphere of arranged marriage and wedding preparations and talk about clan obligations, that she might in some nebulous way manage to segue into a confession of love to or from Naruto, and a quick and blissful wedding inspired by the blonde's naturally competitive attitude. And Kiba and Shino had been there when he decided to come back to Konoha, but did they really still have to follow him around?

Maybe they worried Sasuke would try to marry Hinata if they weren't watching. As if he would. All the problems that would arise with Ino would be present with thrice the weight and complication if he thought to try and wed Hinata.

She was even less worth it in his eyes, however attractive she might be.

What really pushed Sasuke's patience, though, was Anko Mitarashi. He was sure the only reason he remembered her name was because of the impression she'd left on him when he first saw her.

That outfit of hers, was...

...memorable, to say the least.

Sasuke was driven and single minded, but this wasn't the same thing as having no sex drive. That his thoughts now turned sharply to the realms of sex, marriage, and reproduction didn't help. Nor did it help that Anko seemed so very... eager to get him alone.

He could only imagine a few possible reasons for this.

Most of them inappropriate.


A/N: I am a sap, and I don't dislike any of Naruto's explicitly canon pairings. So girls like Ino, Temari, or Karui are unlikely to find their ways into a harem unless there's a good or funny reason. Temari is one I could see, maybe, getting married off because Gaara wants to suck Naruto's dick—if I wanted to go especially silly, I could set it up like that. At the same time, I think ShikaTema is one of the best side character ships in the series.

Of course, this IS a parody, so anything goes as long as it can work into the overall joke. And doing that could potentially feed into the more meta humor. You know what? That's actually a pretty good idea the more I think about it, haha. Who knows.

Updated: 3-20-17

TTFN and R&R!

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