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BEWARE: this story is a sad story. Don't say I didn't warn you, but on a brighter note, it's really bittersweet and I hope you'll enjoy this chapter.
XIV – Fourteen
Clarke holds her breath when she steps inside the white painted room. It's cold and silent, and looks just as expected but she still shivers at the sight of the mortuary fridges lining the wall, the metal surface reflecting her and the staff member walking by her side.
"Octavia Blake, 32.B." The nurse says quietly. "She's right here."
They stop right by the corner of the room and Clarke bites the inside of her cheek, readying herself because the woman is grabbing at the silvery door handle already and pulling the body out as if it were some mere insignificant item. It hurts more than it should, she thinks, the whole process of visiting the hospital morgue but it has to be done. Who else is going to come say good-bye if Clarke, doesn't? Both her mother and Bellamy wished to see the child first, Cassandra looked so uncomfortable she simply left and then...
"Miss Griffin. With all do respect, we don't have all day." The nurse complains and nudges Clarke's shoulder to shake her out of her thoughts.
Clarke sighs and apologizes, trying her best to sound polite and composed but she can feel the void beginning to swell inside her chest and it's like even though she can definitely breathe, her heart just won't stop over reacting, pumping blood faster and faster...
The white sheet is being lifted and she finds herself gasping at the sight of the dead Octavia lying underneath. Gone is the bright, sweet and always happy-looking brunette, replaced now by a dull and empty shell.
With a shake of her head, Clarke has to accept the undeniable truth. She has to admit that the one who used to be her closest friend – her soul sister – is something else entirely now and even though she tries, really hard, to keep calm and unfaltering she has to put a hand over her mouth to prevent the weak sob from escaping her lips.
She feels stupid and empty... So strangely devoid of emotions or thoughts and it's as if some fairy has passed by and simply stolen that little something away from her heart, living her hollow and colorblind...
The nurse senses her distress and puts a hand on her shoulder, saying something about mourning and time but Clarke can't care, she is too engrossed in her sudden misery...
In fact it's as if a hurricane has been released inside of her.
She storms out of the cold white room, her feet clapping loudly against the floor. She doesn't stop when the nurse calls after her complaining about papers which still need to be filled out. She doesn't stop when she's out of the building either. She just keeps on running...
When she reaches the corner down the street, she drops to the asphalt floor, sobbing and curling into a ball – and what do they matter, those people around her, sending her curious looks? She just can't care less, she doesn't care that she's in her bridesmaid dress or that Bellamy's wedding is ruined and then...
Well – before she even realizes it, she's wailing, releasing a blood-curdling scream that causes everyone within a thirty feet radius to turn around and stare...
XV – Fifteen
Unfortunately, not much gets better. The pain doesn't go away, she could scream to death and it would still be there.
She realizes she's in denial. It is all still so new that oftentimes she indulges in the possibility of Octavia being simply away for a little break. And so every night when she gets home, Clark believes that the brunette might very well appear in the doorway, back from work and ready for them to chatter happily the way they used to.
Every night she stops by that blue-themed bedroom of hers, looking so lively and bright with those collage-artworks stuck on the walls and those framed pictures lying on the white desk by the window. She likes to tidy it and clean it from the dust because – well just because, there's something soothing about it... And - and it will always be Octavia's room – always.
…...
With time, Clarke's discomfort eases and she learns to smile again, even if only a little. She barely realizes it but with the baby shaking up her entire routine, there's a whole lot of things to learn, so much more than she ever thought she would.
Zara is definitely like the opening of a bright new world, she is the warm bundle of mushiness which she has come to crave, she is so cute and harmless that she makes all of their hearts melt, even pushes away the dreadful void though she doesn't quite neutralize it.
Clarke can't carry the munchkin for now, she's too afraid of crushing it or letting it fall – or maybe it's those nasty images of a dead Octavia still haunting her and holding her back? Either way, she likes that Bellamy is carrying her instead. She simply enjoys watching him rock her quietly, laying soft kisses on her forehead.
"I'll never let anything happen to you." He whispers lovingly as he puts the baby back in its cradle and Clarke feels her heart skip a beat – painfully so.
It's not the timber of his voice that has her on the verge of tears, it's not the way he looks down at the baby either... It's the strange patent vacancy in his dark eyes, it reminds her of the little something which has been stolen from her heart only a week before. And in that moment, she remembers her father's condition and his near-death experience back in her childhood...
Sometimes people can be almost dead but not quite... They call it a heart-attack...
She wishes it could be that simple again, hopes that she can fix both hers and Bellamy's heart but the truth is, adult life can be such a mystery and now she feels so small because... Well, this time, the truly sad thing is – she has no idea what to do...
In fact, she doesn't even know if she can fix any of it – at all...
XVI – Sixteen
It gets really hard when Bellamy stays for longer periods of time. Zara wakes more than three times throughout the night and even though both her mother and Bellamy always beg for Clarke to stay in bed, especially the nights she's not working an entire shift, she can't help but show up in the kitchen. She helps them warm the milk for the little troublesome and then because all three of them stay up until she eventually falls back asleep, Clarke likes to make tea and cocoa. They chatter and sometimes surprisingly find the will to chuckle at some of the stories they tell each other but before they know it, it's dawn already and each of them has to get ready for the day except for Abigail.
She is conveniently unemployed and so volunteers to babysit while they're at work and when they get home, she's already cooked dinner. They sit together and make small conversation as they eat and it's all so nice – it is so pleasant that sometimes Clarke finds herself daydreaming about the possibility of them being a family.
The phone is always here to jolt her out of her ludicrous fantasy, of course, and every time it rings she knows it's Cassandra calling to check up on her fiancé. The woman calls everyday, somehow reminding Clarke that Bellamy is a soon-to-be married man and that her mother is her only real family.
She forces the disheartening thoughts to the back of her mind and pushes her hair behind her ear that early morning.
Somehow she finds enough will to smile at Bellamy when she settles at the table for breakfast.
They always grab the cereal-box and simply pour just enough milk in the bowl for their stock of energy to hold until noon. Some days, Bellamy says he doesn't have the heart to eat anything and would rather go to work on an empty stomach but Clarke is always here to force something down his throat.
Time flies, several days pass and Bellamy and Zara end up spending two whole weeks living in Clarke's apartment. She doesn't mind, of course. She feels too comfortable to say anything about Bellamy's situation but is aware of the whole thing dawning on Cassandra. She knows it's only a matter of time before something goes wrong.
XVII – Seventeen
The first angry phone call happens as expected and Clarke almost smiles when she hears Cassandra screaming on the other end of the line.
"Where is my husband?"
It's a very simple question and Clarke should simply pass the phone to Bellamy but then something causes her to stop dead in her tracks. She realizes she almost smirked at the sound of Cassandra's voice and now she hates herself for it. She has to blink several times to let it sink in. She almost smiled at the fact that Bellamy and Cassandra are on the verge of breaking up...
A sickening feeling settles in the pit of her stomach. Since when has she grown so selfish and so blatantly opportunistic?
"Cassandra, huh?" A husky voice says nonchalantly.
Clarke barely nods when Bellamy settles at the kitchen table, rubbing his eyes tiredly and then grabbing a bowl from the cupboard. She tries to forget that she's wished for him to lose his fiancée and puts on a brave face. She smiles at him and grabs the container to pour him some milk.
Bellamy thanks her and pours cereal in the bowl, something he's done every morning for the past fifteen days.
"Hello?! Clarke?!"
Clarke shakes her head as soon as she remembers the angry fiancée on the other end of the line.
"I'm sorry, I was spacing out – what were you saying?" She asks quietly.
"I want to speak to my husband, I know he's right in front of you, I heard him thank you for the milk!"
Even though Clarke can't see the other woman, she guesses that she must be snarling as she speaks, the irritation sounding clearly in her voice.
She lifts up the phone and is ready to give it to her friend but freezes when she looks up. She tries not to wince because there's a very strange flicker in Bellamy's eyes and for a split second she thinks he might have been staring at her lips. But then he pushes a spoonful of cereal into his mouth and looks away, causing her to release the breath she forgot she was holding.
"Just tell her I'll call her back." He whispers with a shake of his head and then shrugs nonchalantly.
Clarke understands that he's not willing to speak to Cassandra and feels sorry for the woman despite the circumstances. Then she looks down at the table and notices the bowl full of cereal and milk and which Bellamy has been eating from and which he has – at some point – pushed towards her. She remembers with dread that the two of them have been sharing breakfast for a while, eating from the exact same bowl and never feeling awkward about it.
Bellamy looks at her quizzically and furrows his eyebrow so she shakes her head quickly, nodding dumbly and telling Cassandra that her fiancé will get back to her as soon as possible. Then she puts the phone back down on the table and tries to breathe evenly, her heart racing inside her chest.
She's worried, she feels very concerned now and she doesn't want to be in the middle when things between the two lovers get ugly, she doesn't want to have anything to do with it – she will never be the other woman.
Within seconds, Bellamy notices her distress and surprises her when he grabs her hand, intertwining their fingers and shooting her a small and wistful smile.
Unfortunately, his tenderness doesn't help her at all – if anything, her cheeks are on fire and she hopes to God that he doesn't notice.
VIII – Eighteen
Life goes on and so does Clarke – She's moved on, she's not sure how – she can't tell when she started living again but somehow, she does get better at this mourning thing and she doesn't lust after Bellamy as much as she used to. She's managed to spend less time in Octavia's old bedroom and is even planning on changing the whole design of her apartment – that way she can have her official fresh start now that she's started her residency... She finally feels like a real doctor. A dream come true despite the hardships that life has thrown at her.
Time definitely heals the void inside her chest – not very quickly but surely it does, little by little... She knows that she simply needs to be patient.
Bellamy and her mother are still living in her apartment and she has grown to love that little fact so much that she is scared of the day they'll have to leave to get back to Wilmington. It's all so simply beautiful, the fact that she, Bellamy and her mother wake up in the same home, at the same time and then sometimes she even has the strength to bump Bellamy's hip playfully as they brush their teeth.
They go to work, their little routine undisturbed but by the end of the month, Clarke recognizes grimly that she has never gotten used to Cassandra's complains about Bellamy spending more time in New York than Wilmington. So every time she hears them arguing on the phone, she simply rushes to her ipod, puts on her earbuds and mashes the volume button frenetically until Bellamy's cries are drowned out by the loud music.
After the up-tenth and most heated argument, Cassandra learns to cut Bellamy some slack because every time he mentions Zara and Octavia's dramatic situation, she feels bad and apologizes. But she still has him promising that it's all only temporary, that he'll come to Wilmington as soon as they're done and over with Octavia's memorial ceremony. So when Clarke gets home after a late night shift, she finds herself counting the days Bellamy and Zara have left to spend in New York.
And though she wishes she wouldn't, she feels the stupid pang in her heart. She has less than a week to make the most of her time with them and she realizes that the pain is a bit like destiny or perhaps fatality...?
Because even if you know it is bound to happen, it still hits you hard in the face when it does, she thinks.
And the pain won't leave you alone – it stays here with you... indefinitely...
IX – Nineteen
Less than two days before Octavia's memorial ceremony, Zara's father shows up and Clarke can't believe her eyes when he comes looking for her at the hospital. She's still in her scrubs the moment she spots him standing by the reception desk but he does her best to avoid him, pulling her hoodie over her head and looking straight ahead.
Just when she thinks he didn't see her he looks up and gasps loudly. She inhales deeply and then she is so intent on escaping that she's practically running towards the exit.
He comes rushing after her and she ignores his calls, hoping that if she just keeps her head down he will eventually leave and she can then pretend that he was never here. Unfortunately, by the time she reaches the parking lot, he's already standing in front her, panting and reaching out to grab her wrist.
"You have to hear me out." He says between two breaths.
"Why? What use could you possibly be?" She asks and she is unforgiving when she looks him in the eye.
She feels a little bit of remorse when she sees the sadness in his glance, and for a split second she almost believes that his intentions are good but then she remembers a crying and panicked Octavia begging for help and her heart aches dramatically.
"You are a coward, Jack. You left her when she needed you the most. And now you're not even a father – you're just the guy who impregnated her is all." Clarke is fuming and before she even realizes it, she's pushing the man's hand away and stepping closer, her warm breath hitting his face.
"I know – I know." He says calmly and scratches his neck anxiously. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know what I was doing! I still don't know but I'm trying and – and I want to be there as my kid grows up..."
"Oh – oh my, oh my – So now she actually is you child, huh?" Clarke says in mock-surprise.
"Hey!" Jack raises a hand to his heart, looking down at the ground and shaking his head frenetically. "Now that's not fair, Clarke. You know I'm younger than you guys and my engineering studies are driving me nuts I – I barely have enough time to sleep with the part time job and all the shit I have to do for school."
"Oh shut up, you asshole!" Clarke doesn't even realize she's being aggressive when she nudges him and pushes his chest. "Octavia was working, studying and growing a baby in her stomach all at the same time. You have no excuse – so please just shut the fuck up."
She is breathing heavily and her knuckles have turned white because she is contracting her hands so vehemently, and when she looks at his stupid eyes again, she thinks she might end up punching him.
"I'm sorry Clarke." Jack says simply and his shoulders drop. "I am really sorry about everything but Zara has the right to know her father and if you love her and really care about her, you will let her come see me."
Clarke considers his words for a second, and even though she hates to admit it and she is still fuming – the truth of the matter is, Jack is right.
"We'll talk about this another time." She whispers with a sigh. "Right now, the only thing I can think about is the fact that my night shift is over and I haven't slept in more than twenty-four hours and I need to go crash on my bed."
Jack nods politely and starts to walk away. Clarke inhales deeply the moment he turns on his heels but when he crosses the street and shuffles in the direction of his car, he turns around one last time and opens his mouth to yell something from afar.
"Think about it, Clarke!" He cries out with a wave of his hand. "She has the right to know about her father!"
…...
The second time Jack shows up, they're at the mall. They're arguing in one of the isles because Bellamy thinks that the pink pacifier is the one they need to buy, because he thinks it suits Zara's perfect little pink lips but Clarke is intent on buying the blue one because she thinks it completes the bright blue of her eyes. They don't realize how childish their arguing is until a distant voice interrupts them in their little battle.
"Are you people for real? Fighting over some stupid pacifier? Just buy them both already." The young man says with a shrug and gives them a little smile.
Clarke is surprised to see Jack dressed casually and carrying a paper bag in his hands. Bellamy snarls at him and then turns to her, whispering a little something in her ear but she doesn't really listen because it's all insults and Clarke doesn't even have the heart to act all witchy and angry.
"What? You wanna kill me too?" Jack asks and laughs nervously when Bellamy glares at him.
"No, he just thinks you're an asshole – which you are." Clarke says with a slight smirk and grabs both the pink and the blue pacifiers.
Jack shuffles uncomfortably and turns on his heels, getting ready to leave the two of them alone but Clarke calls after him and Bellamy comes to stand right in from of him.
"She told me about you – said you were interested in the kid." Bellamy says through gritted teeth.
"Well – she's my child." Jack says hesitantly, all the while looking down at Clarke, his eyes begging for help.
"Don't worry, Bellamy's not angry at you, not really." Clarke lies reassuringly and pulls at her friend's arm, pushing him a little so she can stand before him.
"And I did think about what you said the other night – so did Bellamy." She adds and tilts her head to the side, examining the man's face.
"So?" Jack asks, quietly and shyly.
"You're right – she has the right to know about you and – she has to right have you in her life." Clarke says half-heartedly and Jack is grinning and sighing happily already.
And for a moment Clarke thinks that Bellamy doesn't even care anymore – that he is so tired that he doesn't even have the heart to act as cold and threatening as he did only seconds before.
And in a way she is thankful – she is happy to see him grow through this loss. Besides, she too is tired and doesn't feel like fighting with a remorseful father – and one that is only trying to mend the mistakes of his past.
XX – Twenty
The first time Clarke is truly and terribly concerned about Bellamy's well being, she is standing by the living room. It is three o'clock in the morning and she has just changed into her pajamas after a long shift at the hospital and she is ready to go crash on her bed but she stops dead in her tracks when she hears Bellamy's cries echo throughout the apartment. She feels relief when she remembers that Zara and Abigail are spending the weekend at Jack's that it's only her listening to the quarrel he's having with his fiancée.
"I can do whatever the hell I want whenever I want!" Bellamy screams at the top of his lungs and Clarke has to put a hand on her heart to prevent herself from gasping.
She shuffles closer to the kitchen doorway and leans on the wall. She wants to walk inside the room and do something to help the situation but she's too intimidated by his ongoing rage.
"Clarke is my friend – She's my family, how dare you?!" He is screaming even louder now, pacing anxiously in the kitchen and slamming something hard.
She has to put her hand over her mouth to prevent herself from whimpering because her best friend is almost like a stranger now. She has never seen him act so angry or violent and for a split second she is scared of what he could be capable of.
"Fuck you Cassandra – Fuck you and your stupid accusations!"
This time he ends the call by throwing the phone away and Clarke hears it slam hard against something, she hears wood breaking and loud thumping as Bellamy proceeds to damage more of her things and she does her best to hold in the tears which threaten to drop out of her eyes.
With each of those deafening noises, her heart aches for him and just when she thinks he might finally have calmed down, another terrible thing causes her to jump up.
Her limbs freeze and she almost stops breathing when she realizes that he has punched through the kitchen window. She is sure of it because he's screaming painfully now and the distant sound of glass shattering is unmistakable.
…...
"I'm so sorry." He says quietly. "I'm a monster. I'll have your kitchen fixed in no time – or better yet I'll get you a brand new one."
"Nonsense! You're my best friend – I know you." Clarke says good-naturedly and ruffles his hair, smiling down at him. "You're stupid a lot of the times but you're not evil and – well yes, I guess a new kitchen would be a really nice way to apologize."
He is sat by the sink in the bathroom and she is standing before him, rolling cotton in her hands and applying alcohol on it so she can sanitize his wounds.
"I don't even know what happened – I – I was just so angry." He whispers quietly as if he were speaking to himself.
"I'm pretty sure that – this whole rage you had inside is just the second stage of mourning. You had to go through with it at some point." Clarke says reassuringly.
"But it's already been a month and a half. Shouldn't I be – like – over it or something? The anger I mean..."
Clarke thinks carefully before she speaks and grabs the surgical pliers from the shelf so she can pluck out the tiny little pieces of glass out of his skin.
"You've never lost anyone before – have you?" She asks tentatively.
"My mom died when I was less than five and then – I don't know I can't even remember it, I guess I just tried my best not to remember – Yeah, I thought it was better that way..." He says softly and looks up at her.
She falters for half a second, she has her heart on her sleeve and now her hands are shaking so she pauses for a few minutes, holding her breath and then exhaling very slowly before she applies the pliers over the wound. And when he keeps staring up at her and his brown eyes linger a moment too long, she is afraid that if she doesn't turn away from him, she might lose the little progress she's made within the last few weeks and simply crumble miserably.
She is seeing it again now, that terrible emptiness in Bellamy's look. And she never thought she'd feel that way again but for the first time ever since the first grade, she thinks that Bellamy's stare can be as mortifying as death itself.
"I guess, I was wrong. Forgetting is no healthy way of mourning." He says tentatively when she tries to look away and pretends to be busy with the task at hand.
Examining his fingers and picking carefully at the piece of glass stuck up his thumb, she tries to smile when she proceeds to speak again.
"No it's not. But you're a big guy now, you know you can do it."
He looks up at her again, stares hard at her and she eventually lets her eyes travel up his frame, taking in the beauty in his whole being, taking note of the way his shoulders shake when he sighs or the way his jaw tightens when he speaks. Then, her eyes land on his own – those grief-stricken brown orbs – and she does her best to put on a cheering face.
"You can mourn properly." She explains in answer to the confusion evident in his grimace. "You don't need to forget to let go, you know?"
Because he looks so disheartened, she pulls one glove off and grabs his shoulder, massaging it softly. His head droops and he leans in, resting his face against her stomach and she feels the strange little something which causes her heart to race and her cheeks to blush.
But then he's crying softly and she can hear the exhaustion in his sobbing so she pulls him even closer and repeats what he once told her to ease the pain.
"It's O.K. You're going to be O.K."
XXI – Twenty-one
Even if deep inside, She selfishly wishes for them to fall apart she won't be that low and deplorable person – Clark is convinced that she is not that kind of friend so she will try hard, she will bring them back together – or something... After all, she's promised herself that she would be the one fixing people... So if she can't fix the emptiness in Bellamy's eyes well...
She can at least fix this mess and save their marriage, right?
Cassandra is so beautiful that Clarke feels stunned when she welcomes her at the door. Though the private ceremony is a memorial and a remainder of Octavia's departure – well, in homage of her happy personality, they've decided to let everyone dress in the brightest colors, that way they can celebrate the vibrant and lively being Octavia used to be. But for some reason, she feels awkward when she looks down at Cassandra's dress, taking in the shimmery golden dress hugging her hips to perfection and then something funny prickles inside Clark's heart, a bit like a needle stuck somewhere inside her chest.
"I'm glad you could make it." She manages to say in a strangled whisper because she didn't even think she would able to speak in correct terms. "You look – stunning." She adds with a feeble nod.
Cassandra nods at her with a small smile, the twinkle in her eyes coming back to life when she hears the compliment, and then she steps closer and takes the blond by surprise, wrapping her arms around her shoulders for a hug. Clarke remains frozen, her arms limp by her sides and barely lifting up to return the embrace.
Getting Bellamy and his fiancee back together, she realizes with a sickening felling, is definitely going to be much harder than she expected...
…...
Fortunately there's quite a number of distractions to take her mind off of things that night. First she sees Raven for the first time ever since her twenty-sixth birthday and the whole Finn-debacle. Clarke apologizes for the years she's spent ignoring her and pretending that nothing happened when in reality she was avoiding Finn. Raven explains that she has long dumped him and that the "the guy was an asshole either way." They very quickly warm up to each other, telling stories about Octavia and their time spent with her and when the guests start to leave, Raven is still here, helping around and smiling softly every-time any one of them needs something.
They could have been a wonderful trio, she and Octavia and Raven would have definitely been such good friends, Clarke things ruefully, if only she hadn't acted so cowardly.
"I'm really sorry." She says for the third time that night just as Raven puts the dirty dishes in the sink.
"Oh – girl! Please stop apologizing or else I'm going to barf." Raven chuckles at Clarke's grimace and bumps one of the girl's hips with her own.
Despite the lump in her throat, Clarke lets out a little laugh and Raven can see the relief sparkling in her green eyes.
…...
Somehow she does get them back together – sort of... Probably because Raven is here to help and finds a way to get the two of them alone in Octavia's old bedroom...
And though in the beginning, Clarke is quite skeptical, by the end of the ceremony, she is hit by the relief she didn't even know she was craving. Almost everyone has left when she notices that Bellamy and Cassandra are actually speaking to one another and smiling and exchanging long glances...
And then by the time the guests are all gone and the apartment is finally empty and silent, she catches them hugging in the kitchen. She knows she shouldn't stand there, in the corner, watching them but she can't help herself. She's too curious to walk away. She leans against the wall and then with a bit more of the staring and eavesdropping, she realizes that Cassandra is crying quietly over his shoulder and that Bellamy is whispering comforting things as he rubs her back.
It hurts a little to see them so – so... Oh well, she's not sure which words to use to describe that and – she doesn't think she wants to find the right words anyways, so she sighs instead.
She turns on her heels and finds enough strength to leave them alone, hoping that she won't have to do this stupid cupid-thing ever again...
XXII – Twenty-two
The three of them are leaving, they're officially getting back to Wilmington and lord knows when she will be able to spend such time with them again. She is surprised by the nostalgia that hits her hard in the chest when her mother pulls her in for a hug. This whole time, she has barely realized the amount of progress Abigail has achieved. She hasn't realized either just how much she has grown to love her mother again and it's such a shame to take notice of it only now, so she can't help but feel guilty when the woman who raised her pauses and smiles warmly at her.
Bellamy and Zara are a whole other story. She can't even look the man in the eye when he wraps his arms around her waist and buries his nose in the crook of her neck.
"Thank you so much, Clarke." He whispers in her ear and for the first time in years she thinks he's finally managed to open up to her, whole heartedly.
And when she pulls away he grabs her chin and she is forced to face him and look into those dark brown eyes. The emptiness is still there, she realizes and feels her heart sink inside her chest but there's something else – something she never saw flicker in his eyes before... She doesn't know what it is but she is convinced that it will come back to haunt her once they're gone.
The little Zara is already five months old now and she grins up at Clarke when she carries her and kisses her softly. Clarke doesn't fail to notice that the baby has the eyes of her mother and the complexion of her father but not quite – it is such an exotic shade of tan, it is neither caramel nor chocolate. It is not much of a tan either actually but more of a – a beautiful beautiful olive – sort of like Bellamy.
"Oh – you are going to be a good girl and let daddy sleep at night, right?" Clarke says playfully and nuzzles the little baby girl in the stomach.
The cute little one whimpers and then there's a barely audible giggle which catches them all off guard so they all smile and nudge Clarke, enjoying the sight of it all with Zara stretching her little lips and smiling up at her godmother.
"She really likes you, huh!" Bellamy teases his friend with a little bump in the side and Clarke giggles happily.
"She is going to miss you." Cassandra says kindly and only then Clarke remembers that she's still here.
She doesn't feel the pang in her heart when Cassandra gets closer or tries to be nice to her, not like she used to anyway. And when they say goodbye, Clarke even musters enough strength to step forward and actually hug the woman, the smile on her face never faltering.
XXIII – Twenty-tree
She's turning thirty and on the eve of her birthday celebration and she realizes that she hasn't seen Zara, Bellamy and her mother in more than six months. She feels anxious, partly because she can't wait to see them all and mostly because she's afraid that the little one and half year-old Zara won't even recognize her after all this time. There's also that sort of general feeling of unease settling in. Because the thing is, she's very happy with her life, with what she's achieved and what she hasn't but she grows more and more irritated every time people ask her that stupid question: "why are you single?"
Like, heck! How is she supposed to know? What is she supposed to say? And why is it deemed so abnormal for a woman to be single at age thirty? Sometimes she imagines herself simply not giving a damn and turning to those who ask with a smirk on her face and a wonderful middle finger pointed in their direction – but once again, she thinks that she's better than that... So, the thing is – she will not stress when her friends show up at her birthday party and she will not fret when Raven or her mother try to play matchmaker. She will smile – yes, of course, she will smile! And it will be a bright and happy smile because she'll be enjoying herself...
…...
The little Zara does remember her so when Clarke steps into the Blakes' house, the little child jumps up to her feet, discarding her toys and pushing out a deafening shriek. She runs awkwardly, reeling in the direction of her godmother like a tiny little lunatic and it's really funny and cute so Clark feels her heart flutter at the sight of it all. She crouches down to the little girl's level and prepares herself for the harmless impact. Zara charges at her like a puppy ready to get his candy and together they giggle and swirl around and around and around because Clarke is pulling her up already and Zara loves to do the "tsurning" and "thse dnacing'" and when Bellamy comes rushing towards them to engulf them in one of his lovely group hugs, Zara shrieks again and demands that her daddy "tsurn boths dada-Carke and Zaza so they can fly like fplane in thse thsky."
They play together for a very long while, Clarke, Zara and Bellamy. Most of the time, Clarke is trying to understand what Zara means. Some of her words she can understand perfectly but some others are just impossible and so every-time Bellamy tries to leave she pulls at his wrist, keeping him by their side so he can explain to her the whole baby-language thing. She gets the hang of it eventually and when Zara whimpers and babbles trying to push out some weird words out of her mouth, they sound completely foreign because of her cute little lisp. But Clarke tries again, focusing on the pink little lips and stares hard at the little girl's sparkling blue eyes, hoping to decipher some emotional language.
And she actually gets it now, She knows exactly what it is that Zara needs.
"You want to take a bath, huh? You want to swim?" Clarke asks with a grin.
"Yeeeaaaaa!" Zara hollers and puts her hands on clarke's lips, staring up at her face and there's that familiar twinkle in her eyes which causes Clarke's heart to flutter again because it reminds her of Octavia. "Yeeaoo – go, go, go – baba – sim, sim, simming!"
Clarke can't help the gales of laughter the moment Zara sits back and crosses her arms over her chest. But before the child loses her temper, she bends forwards and grabs her.
"Simming?" The little Zara asks again and this time, her bright blue orbs are smiling wider than her lips and Clarke falls in love with the look in her eyes.
"Yes, honey – Swimming." She says carefully. "Swimming in the bathtub."
"Sim – baba?" Zara repeats with a giggle.
"No, honey, listen it's simple, just – " Clarke starts again and chuckles as she walks up the stairs and towards the bathroom. "BATH – BATHUB – Swi-ming in the bath-thub."
"BATHAAAAAAAAAASIIIIIM" Zara hollers with joy and Clarke gives up on the whole pronunciation lesson.
XXIV – Twenty-four
A whole lot of unexpected guests show up the night of her birthday. Raven loves the big old wild parties and would kill to have one so she invites almost a third of the hospital staff. Against Clarke's complaints, Bellamy has decided to host the whole thing because the blond's little apartment is "way too quaint and smaller than a shoebox." Bellamy's exact words and the thing is, she loves her apartment and she loves how cosy and cute it is but there's no changing back when Bellamy is set on something – so she she just nods pitifully and lets him and Raven take care of everything.
The party is quite a success. Though Bellamy spends more time making out with Cassandra than he does paying attention to Clarke and Raven is also busy flirting with that hefty weird guy, and Zara is busy playing with her daddy-Jack – well, she thinks she has fun for the very first time in a very long time, so much so that she barely drinks any alcohol. She doesn't need it and she certainly doesn't want intoxication to distort her precious life so she promises herself not to get drunk ever again.
She meets a whole lot of people she hadn't even realized liked her and she feels light-hearted. She especially enjoys these two lovely guys, those friends of Raven's. Their names are Jasper and Monty and she learns that one of them is a nurse and the other is a dentist and they are such fun to be around. They joke so much that sometimes she wonders if she'd take them seriously if she were to see them in their work places.
By some miracle, they manage to force her out of her shell and after they've eaten the birthday cake, they have her dancing and giggling and Clarke is almost astonished when she thinks she feels young, happy and beautiful again.
Like all good things the party has to come to an end and the two boys steal Clark away so as to make sure that she does save their phone numbers and that she does add them on facebook. That way they can stay in touch and hang out on their days off work.
When Bellamy's house is silent, empty and dark, she collapses on the bed in the guest-room and doesn't even have the strength to go wash the make-up off of her face. She doesn't care and she doesn't think she could be any happier. Rolling on her side, she grabs her phone from the nightstand and looks at the pictures she's taken with each and all of her friends, laughing to herself. She spends a whole lot more time looking at pictures of Bellamy and Zara. And she likes that they're always grinning idiotically or pulling funny faces, and she wishes she could see them everyday for the rest of her life.
Her eyelids eventually get the best of her and she has to push the phone away as she feels herself slip into unconsciousness. And just as she closes her eyes, just when she feels her brain starting to shut off, the names of her new friends keep ringing in her ears, as if echoing from afar.
Monty and Jasper, she thinks with a little smile and then she's gone... Dreaming of the good old days and meeting up with a bright and happy Octavia dressed in her favorite blue dress.
Holding hands, the two of them run across fields, meeting with Wells and Clarke's daddy and then they form that circle and dance happily, bathing in the summer sunshine and laughing uncontrollably.
…...
Now, the morning following the birthday party she finds herself sitting in Bellamy's car with a black scarf tied around her forehead, preventing her from seeing anything, Raven's idea apparently... If anything, Clarke feels pathetic and when she steps out of the vehicle, helped by Bellamy and Raven, her ankle twists and for a split second she's falling, face first towards the concrete floor. Bellamy catches her just in time though, holding her up and her back comes to rest comfortably against his chest.
"Sorry about that." He says happily and laughs when she flushes uncomfortably.
"Damn it, Bell." She says in mock-outrage, causing Raven to laugh at her.
In actuality, Clarke is enjoying herself, but she decides that a little teasing can be fun too, so she acts falsely annoyed and all.
"I think I actually hurt my ankle." She giggles at her own clumsiness and lets her friends guide her foreword and towards the front porch.
"I'm sure Raven can fix you up with a little something. And we have the bandage and all the stuff you might need – by the way, what's a little ankle-twist? Nothing, huh? It's not like it's broken or anything." Bellamy rambles on happily as they approach the front porch of his house and Raven calls him stupid and awkward and laughs for no reason, which causes Clarke to laugh too even though there's virtually not much to laugh about.
"Hold on, stop." Cassandra says a few seconds later and they halt right before the doormat.
Though she can't see her, Clarke knows that she's standing by the front door, she can feel her proximity and she smiles when she realizes that the jealousy she used to hear in her timber is practically gone now and replaced by feelings of friendship.
"Well?" Clarke says with a chuckle, "What now?"
Just as she chuckles again, she hears a very soft whimper, a little and very cute sound and it's as if – just almost as if...
She is not given the time to guess – Bellamy opens the knot in the back of her head and the scarf falls off, and that's when she sees it.
There in front of her, on the door mat, is Zara sitting cross-legged. And in her arms she carries a little white puppy, a lovely labrador whimpering for affection.
Clarke looks down at the adorable thing and smiles. And as soon at it looks back at her, the inside of her heart melts. She tries her best to hide it but her eyes tickle as if she's spent too much time looking at the sun.
"Hapfy birthsday dada-karkee – tis for you!" Zara exclaims happily.
This time Clarke really can't help the tears in her eyes but she thinks it's alright – because it's all better now, and they're actually the good sort of tears, the ones that make you feel fuzzy inside.
So, she chooses not to hide them. No, she's letting them out – shamelessly.
XXV – Twenty-five
In homage of her daddy, she calls him Jake-G, in homage of her soul sister she buys him a collar in a light beautiful shade, the kind which reminds her of the blue in Octavia's eyes, and then in homage of her precious Wells, she has a silver pendant made with one of his art graffitis encrusted in it. Now, every time she looks at the little puppy she finds herself smiling. And then when he comes strutting in her room and climbs over her bed at night so he can sleep in her arms, she thinks that she's fine living alone.
…...
On the eve of Bellamy's thirty-fifth birthday, Clarke is a ball of nerves. She wants to return the favor, she wants Bellamy to have a party better than the one he threw for her a year before. So when she gets home after her night shift and it's midnight and everyone in her condo is asleep, she rushes towards J-G, carrying him excitedly and he licks her palms like he always does the second she gets home.
"You alright, baby?" She asks with a chuckle and grabs the leash from the shelf in the hallway.
She takes him out for a little wee-wee and poo-poo session and as usual he's careful and smart about those things so she never really is too grossed-out cleaning after him. She throws away the plastic bag with the dirty stuff in it and smirks down at him.
"You know if you could just poo flakes instead, it'd be great." She says playfully and unclips the leash because they're by the bay in Long Island and the place is empty and wide enough for him to play safely.
He doesn't try to run away though he's always so excited and happy, shaking his tail frenetically and she's very grateful for that. She plays with him for a little while, throwing the stick and he goes after it, bringing it back for her to throw again and again.
"You know, we have to find some really good gift for Bellamy – And – Dear God, if only you could speak, than you'd be able to advise me about the party." She tells him when she seats down on one of the few benches at the edge of the narrow boardwalk.
J-G whimpers lovingly and nudges her knee, licking her dark jeans and resting his front legs over her lap.
"I know – I know, you're just a dog, I shouldn't bother you with Bellamy or his fiancée or the way the two of them look at each other – and oh, crap I have to get rid of all of that emotional baggage huh?" She says playfully and pats his head.
For a short moment she thinks he understands her jokes because he's looking up at her with that little twinkle in his eyes and it sounds like he's moaning an entire sentence, trying to comfort her or something and then – it looks like...
"Emotional baggage? Don't look like the needy type though." A voice says somewhere behind her, breaking her train of thoughts and causing her to jump up in fear.
J-G barks angrily when Clarke turns around sharply, spotting a slender guy walking by but the man only chuckles in return and shuffles closer, crouching down to the dog's level.
"Hey – don't be angry, I'm just another New Yorker out for a little walk." He says kindly and scratches the dog's ear.
Clarke chuckles at the sight of her little baby squirming happily and enjoying the scratching and the patting. And it's as if the stranger smiling down at him was never a threat to begin with.
"I'm sorry." The young man apologizes as soon Clarke looks him in the eye. "I'm Murphy. I live right down the avenue in the same condo – you know the..."
Clarke interrupts him with a smile on her face. "I now who you are – You live right down the hall, I think I saw you a few days ago, moving all of your things – so you're new to the neighborhood huh?"
Murphy lets out a laugh, nodding and pulling away so he can seat down next to Clarke.
"Yeah – just settled last week-end. Got a position in the Queens." He explains.
"What exactly do you do?" Clarke asks and tilts her head to the side, examining the man's features and she thinks he looks younger, probably in his late twenties.
"I'm a programmer. I make a whole lot of apps for Google and so far they've been quite happy with the things I came up with, so they promoted me to a higher position and I couldn't decline even if it meant I had to move across the country." He says excitedly and she can see the passion in his eyes.
"It's great that you do what you love to do." Clarke says simply and looks ahead and at the bay.
It's a beautiful sight, she realizes now that she's really looking at it. The lights from the skyscrapers on the other side are reflecting in the moonlit water and the soft spring breeze slipping over only enhances the peaceful moment.
"So – what about you, miss emotional?" Murphy asks hesitantly and Clarke remembers that he is still sitting right by her.
"My name's Clarke." She says simply and notices the eagerness in his eyes when he looks at her. "I'm a surgeon." She adds with a grin because she too is passionate about her job. "I love dissecting people for a living."
His eyes grow twice their size and he is quick to laugh and give her compliments. She knows he is surprised and might have thought her to be a dumb blond in the beginning but she doesn't mind the reaction and simply enjoys his presence because there's something about the way he carries himself.
"I used to think that when you got nothing to lose you got nothing to hope for anyway." He whispers suddenly and she realizes that she is barely listening to what he has to say because she is too busy staring at his eyes. "I was wrong and – well so are you about your emotional baggage."
He smiles and he has that little thing shining through his face and it's as if there's absolutely nothing to be scared of in this world. It's a strange thing to think but somehow – something in the way his lips stretch reminds her of the Fall and the way the golden leaves drop from the trees in that season. But then she remembers the things he's just said and she can feel her eyebrows crease.
"What do you mean?" She asks with a slight huff because how dared he listen to her speaking dumbly to her dog? "And – My God, were you here the whole time?"
"No, I only heard the last bit – What I mean is – I might not know you yet but whoever the hell this Bellamy is – He shouldn't be your emotional baggage. And if he really is your friend – he'll understand when you tell him you love him – and – and the thing is, the moment you tell him, you get to feel better because you've finally gotten it out of your system."
"Are you sure you're a programmer and not – like, maybe Oprah or something?" Clarke asks with slight irritation dropping from her voice.
"Oh don't be so grumpy, doctor!" Murphy cackles good-naturedly. "I'm just trying to be your neighbor and you friend too."
"You want to be my friend?" She lets out a nervous chuckle despite her will to remain cold and unaffected.
"Clarke – are you for real?" He asks in a dull voice and she almost snarls at him.
"For God's sake, the entire building would like to be your friend, you just – you don't pay enough attention is all." He says with a soft smile and she almost gasps when the city lights reflect in his bright blue eyes.
Now she knows what it is – that thing shining through his sharp features: it's called sincerity and though it can be hurtful, it's also sort of nice because she now knows she cant trust him. She can trust that however ugly the truth is, he'll still throw it at her face.
But what has her hooked must be the blue in his eyes. It is strangely familiar and she definitely loves the look he has when she speaks to him so she thinks she has better smile.
And when she does, Murphy smirks in a way that has her laughing...
XXVI – Twenty-six
She hasn't made a friend that easily in such a long time, probably ever since the sixth grade and the chubby little blue-cladded Octavia. And surprisingly enough, it feels good.
He comes to her apartment even though it's already past one in the morning and together they agree on the item that is going to make Bellamy cry. She shows him pictures of them together, pictures of her, Octavia and Bellamy riding bikes by the bay and Murphy takes time to examine the lawyer's style. He quickly guesses his favorite colors and outfits and after less than an hour, even though he has never met the guy before, he concludes that his unmistakable manliness is the key to finding the perfect gift.
Clarke likes Murphy's jokes and his little tips so she trusts his ideas and when they're about to part, she feels confident enough to ask him to be her date to Cassandra and Bellamy's wedding but only if he can take the whole emotional-baggage thing.
"You're not the only victim of unrequited love, you little brat." He says with a wink as he shuffles away from her front door and towards his own. "I have a long history of girls spitting the 'I just don't see myself having a future with you' kinda crap – if anything I got me the motherload of all emotional-baggages."
Clarke laughs a loud and happy laugh but is quick to put her hand on her mouth, remembering that it's two and a half in the morning and the rest of the neighbors might be angry at her.
"God – you're so cute sometimes." Murphy chuckles in response and shakes his head, unlocking his door and stepping inside.
"Good night, mushy murphy." Clarke almost hollers when he's about turn away from her.
"A nick-name? Already?" He says with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, that's how lucky you are." Clarke says cockily and smirks evilly.
Murphy laughs at the face she pulls and blows her kiss, shutting the door closed.
But then she's still smiling as she stands by the entrance to her apartment because she thinks she loves the way this new neighbor makes her feel – and it's like – like there's really nothing to be scared of and nothing wrong to be so damn confident...
XXVII – Twenty-seven
Introducing Murphy to her friends turns out be a tricky situation.
"God, you're ugly, uglier than I expected – yeah definitely." Raven says the moment she sees him sitting on the couch.
"And you are grumpy – worse than Clarke, really." Murphy says in return and Raven huffs and looks away.
"Well, I think you're pretty normal, bud." Monty says when he comes bolting out of the kitchen, holding snacks and drinks against his chest. "But we'll have to do some background research just in case you happen to be a psychopath."
Murphy shakes his head and rolls his eyes, turning away from Monty and finding himself sitting right in front of Jasper.
"Yeah there's the little murder-look kinda stuff you have going on – in your eyes, I mean – yeah it's definitely your eyes." Jasper says with a grimace and creeps closer so can he examine the young man's face.
"That's not the murder-look, that's ugliness shining through his eyes – simple as that." Raven says and proceeds to laugh mockingly.
"Stop it you guys! You're scaring him." Clarke says worriedly when she walks out of her bedroom, holding her red satin dress against her chest and pushing her hair behind her ears.
"That's the idea actually." Jasper says. "What are good friends for?"
"Yeah, you need our protection and our approval." Monty says with a nod.
"And we do not approve of that thing." Raven adds the final blow with a flick of her wrist. "I could touch him, test the waters and all for a better examination but no – even with a stick I wouldn't."
"Raven!" Clarke cries out desperately and then she sighs audibly. "You guys, you're gonna have to get used to him because we're going to be driving for more than two hours to get to Bellamy's place and you better be nice to him the whole time!"
She leans over the couch, grabs Murphy's hand in hers and pulls him up and then she thinks that Jasper is about to barf, Raven is close to spitting and Monty's face if of a very strange color, something like green.
"Yeah, yeah – let it sink in real good." Clarke says with a shrug and then they're gone, all of them getting down to Raven's minivan and ready to go celebrate Bellamy's thirty-fifth birthday.
But they don't listen to her, they keep being the ridiculously protective friends they are as they drive on the highway and when she sighs for the up-tenth time, Clarke prays to God that the journey to Wilmington will end sooner.
But then things don't really get better, if anything, it all grows really annoying and she is grateful for Monty's obsession with food because now she can at least pretend to be busy stuffing herself with his Dorritos while Raven and Jasper make up stories about Murphy's possible latest crimes.
XXVIII – Twenty-eight
"It's not a friend-date." Clarke and Murphy speak at the same time and then they're laughing because Cassandra looks confused and intrigued.
"Of course it's a friend-date, that's all a guy as ugly as Murphy can get." Raven hollers from the kitchen and Clarke rolls her eyes and squeezes the young man's hand.
"No worries –" Murphy is quick to say when Cassandra grimaces again, "it's just Raven has had that instant crush on me and now she's trying to hide it by being overtly mean – quite the childish technique, really." He explains with a shrug and Clarke laughs at his mock-seriousness.
"Yeah – so Murphy here is quite the little Oprah. I'm sure you'll love him." Clarke says and bumps his shoulder with her own.
Cassandra looks at them curiously and shakes her head.
"Anyways," she says and pushes her bangs out of her face, "Zara's upstairs, she's been waiting for you guys to show up ever since I can remember – so please go already."
Clarke nods happily and lets Cassandra push her and Murphy in the direction of the staircase.
…...
"Clarke!" Zara squeals and lets go of her doll when her god-mother appears in the doorway.
She comes running at her and Clarke groans when she carries the little girl in her arms.
"My God, you're heavy now! How old are you?!" She asks even though she knows the little one's birthdate by heart.
"I'm like this." Zara says and pulls up three and then four fingers. "I am one, two, three and – and three and a half!"
Clarke laughs and shakes her head.
"Dada-Clarke, when do you come live here? Like Cassandra, you can stay! You can sleep in my room!" Zara says excitedly.
"Oh – honey, I can't, I have to stay in New York – I have work there." Clarke explains with a little smile and and Zara puts her two little palms on each side of her face.
"You can find work here, right dada-Clarke?" Zara asks with a hopeful smile.
Clarke is about explain that life is complicated and that she can never come live with them but when the little one's chubby hands feel warm and soft against her cheeks, she realizes she doesn't have the heart to disappoint the little girl so she nods and smiles in return.
"Yes, baby. Maybe one day, I can find work here." She says simply and hugs her close to her chest.
One of Zara's little fingers is actually annoying as it slips up her lips and almost gets inside her nose but Clarke is smiling still. And then Zara actually does become gross and Clarke almost gags with disgust but because the little girl is too cute for her own good, she laughs instead.
"What are you doing? Stop it!" Murphy exclaims with laugh when Zara pushes two fingers in Clarke's nostrils. "Oh – that's disgusting!"
Zara tries to tickle Murphy and dangles her little feet as she bends to the side, but Clarke holds her firmly and the little one bursts out of laughing.
After a little while, Clarke sighs and pushes the little fingers away, putting her back down on the wood-floor. She thinks she takes after Bellamy because ever since she can remember, he has been gross like that, coming up to her and trying to do stupid things like putting two finger up her nostrils.
"So, it is him?! The bad guy?" Zara asks suddenly and takes Murphy's hand in hers, examining is big big hands.
But Clarke gasps and turns around sharply.
"The bad guy? Who told you that?" She asks and crouches down the little girl's level. "He's Murphy, O.K? And he is not a bad guy, he is my friend!"
"Aunty Raven and uncle Jasper and uncle Monty all said your new friend is the bad guy and that he killed people and that he is wanted by the policemen and that he never takes showers and that..."
Clarke puts a hand over Zara's mouth, telling Murphy she's sorry and that she will speak to her god-daughter and thoroughly explain to her that Raven, Jasper and Monty are being stupid grown-ups and it was all just a joke.
…...
They all hide when Bellamy's car shows up in the driveway and it's all so exciting, everyone has come, everyone Bellamy knows and even though he hasn't met Murphy yet, Clarke is convinced that the two of them are going to love each other.
Unfortunately, she realizes she was wrong when they all stand up and scream "surprise". Because the thing is, Bellamy doesn't seem that excited. If anything, he remains frozen, standing in the threshold and even though he really is surprised and happy, there's something strange in his eyes when they land on her and trail down her body, resting on her hand as it holds Murphy's.
And in that moment, the little stupid pang in her heart shows up again and she thinks she might have to gag.
Fortunately, Bellamy does smile eventually and walks in with his arms wide and open for his little Zara to give him a hug first.
"Thank you guys! This is great!" He hollers when they all come closer, patting him on the back and wishing him a happy birthday.
They're all smothering him with kiss and hugs and then Clarke can barely see him because there's a thick group of friends around and she doesn't have the heart to go bolting through anyways so she simply shuffles away and towards the kitchen.
…...
The birthday party doesn't turn out as great as she would have liked it to be but it's still nice. For the most part, she spends the night dancing with Murphy and sadly enough it's not like Bellamy cares because he's too busy dancing with Zara and Cassandra. She knows it's stupid, the way her heart flutters when she sees him kissing his fiancée and she knows she shouldn't even dream of him feeling the least bit jealous of Murphy but still – sometimes she just can't help it. And now, she doesn't think she should stay the whole night...
"Do you want to go?" Clarke asks when the music shifts to a slow Celine Dion thing and she thinks she feels bored already.
"I think I might just get to the hotel – just so I can rest. I've had a tough week." Murphy says with a shrug.
Clarke nods and starts to pull him away from the living-room but she as she approaches the front door, someone grabs her shoulder and pulls her back and she gasps loudly.
"How dare you, princess!" Bellamy looks playful and curious but she can see the emptiness in his eyes and she doesn't like the way he looks at her because it's like he's done something wrong and he's blaming her for it.
"We were just tired and – we thought we'd go and get some sleep." She says uneasily and Murphy smiles kindly, nodding and patting Bellamy's shoulder.
"Truth though is – I'm much more tired than she is." He says amicably and grabs his jacket from the coat-rack. "So yeah – you should stay, Clarke. I'll be fine."
Murphy's being really sweet and thoughtful and he winks at her and shakes Bellamy's hand on his way out and it all seems so casual and cool but then Clarke realizes that she in fact really wishes to leave but Murphy can't even see it and turns on his heels and walks away.
"Common, princess! Let's get back inside." Bellamy says as they stand by the front porch, looking at Murphy running out of the street and towards the avenue to hop into the taxi he'd called to come get home.
But Clarke barely moves. She feels sorry and hollow and she thinks that she's stupidest person on the face of the planet because Murphy is so good for her but already, somewhere in her brain, she's comparing him to Bellamy.
…...
They dance at some point, the slow steady sort of dance which normally is boring to her but this is Bellamy and she realizes she really doesn't mind. They stop eventually and she sighs as they go sit on one of the large leather couches adorning the living-room.
For a moment she thinks that he's about to leave her and get back to Cassandra who's staring from across the room but he only creeps closer instead. And then her eyes grow twice their size because he asks her the question she hoped she wouldn't have to hear and she can feel her body stiffen.
"What's wrong, Clarke? You know you can tell me." He whispers quietly in her ear because she didn't answer him the first time.
And despite the loud music she can hear every word and she hates that his voice sounds so nice and homy.
"Nothing." She says automatically and he furrows his eyebrows. "I'm fine, really." She adds with a slight chuckle and she doesn't think she's ever been so fake but oh, well...
"You don't look it." He cries out over the noise and she thinks she sees slight anger in his eyes.
"Just tired, really – had a long and tough week at work." She finds enough strength to smile and even shuffles closer for him to hear.
"Yeah me too but I'm not pouting." He explains with a shrug, trying to look calm.
But he doesn't seem the least bit relaxed and when she looks at his jaw she knows he's gritting his teeth.
"Look, Bell – I don't want to start bickering, alright? So please just – let me go – I want to go to bed." She begs with a little smile and grabs his hand in hers, hoping to God that he'll let go so she can run out and down the street towards her old home.
"No." He says simply and her jaw drops. "If you go, I'll go with you."
She gasps and she thinks that her heart beats so fast she might just have a heart-attack.
"Go with – the – what ?" She stammers.
Bellamy doesn't notice but from the corner of her eye, Clarke notices Cassandra is still staring and she has that worried look on her face and it's as she's begging for Clarke to simply lay off and leave the man alone. And Clarke thinks that she might start crying if Cassandra keeps looking at her that way because homewreaker is the last thing she'd ever want to be and she certainly doesn't want to tell Bellamy that she is heart broken over him and – Dear God, she has to get out of there.
"I'm so sorry, Bell. I really have to go." She says and jumps up to her feet, rushing to the front door and she doesn't even grab her coat on her way out because she can't risk Bellamy catching up to her.
The winter night air is is ice cold and she feels goosebumps as she runs across the street but no amount of bad weather or pain or whatever the hell else could possibly cure the void in her heart so she tries to run faster.
Her heels are uncomfortable and terrible to run in and she trips over something and falls, scratching her knees and palms against the asphalt and when she looks up at the moon and raises her hands under its shine she can see blood trickling down her fingers.
So she stops for a second. She remains still and she tries to breath evenly only to realizes that she left with a glass of soda in her hand and it broke when she fell and it must have cut her.
"Shit." She cries out and her voice reverberates throughout the empty street but she can still hear the faint music coming from Bellamy's house and she feels sick to her stomach.
…...
He didn't come after her and that's O.K. She was hoping he wouldn't and now she can finally breath and relax. Besides, she's quite happy to be in her old home again. She really is.
She's sitting by the sink in the bathroom now and because her mother is still at the birthday party and Murphy is probably asleep at the motel, she is the one taking care of own herself.
Sadly though, she realizes that for a long while now, she's been quite alone. And it used to be alright, and she used to be strong enough not to feel bad about it but now that she watches the blood wash away under the water in the sink, she knows she feels lonely and she does her best not to think much of it.
She quickly cleans her wounds and applies band-aids on them and then she's ready to go crash on her old bed. And she thinks that she must change into something else because her red sating dress did cost quite a lot of money and she should take it off and fold it neatly or something but she just can't bring herself to care. So she rolls into a ball, hugging her knees hard against her chest and she lets it all out.
She weeps and buries her face deep into the comforter hoping that the night will eventually clear the void away from her heart.
Sometime around three in the morning, just when she thinks she's about to fall asleep, the phone rings and she groans but she doesn't go pick it up. She holds the pillow closer against her chest and closes her eyes, praying for her mother to spend the night at Bellamy's so she can spend the rest of the light indulging in her misery.
Eventually, the phone goes to voicemail and she can hear her mother speaking.
"Honey – you must be asleep – I just wanted you to know, I'm still at Bellamy's and I'm spending the night here,"
Clarke lets out the breath she was holding and feels her body relax considerably.
"But tomorrow I'll be going to New Jersey with that friend I told you about? She's picking me up at Bell's – so I might not see you tomorrow but I'm sure we can get to do something together next weekend – what? Oh, you want to speak to her? This is her voice mail, I'm just leaving a message – No – Ah, alright, alright – Honey, Clarke, I'll see you soon! I'm sorry we didn't have much time tonight. But I promise we'll get to go out together sometime next week-end and – Oh shut it, Bellamy, I called her first – I'm sorry about that darling, the birthday boy is being annoying and – O.K, fine, I'm saying good bye, dear God! – Clarke, baby I love you. Don't forget to call me when you get back to New York – Bye bye honey."
Clarke smiles despite the terrible black whole inside her chest and then she's holding her breath again because she hears Bellamy's voice and he sounds so drunk.
"Shame on you Griffin! You left the night of my birthday and when I opened your gift – the best gift by the way! Well, you weren't there! How could you leave like that?! It's not like you to – Ouch, the hell, Raven? That freaking hurt – Clarke I'm sorry there's this troll trying to pry the phone away and – Seriously, Raven, hands off! – So what I was saying Clarke is, you missed the best part! I opened all of the gifts and the cross bike you got me and that designer black tuxedo you had made God knows where – they're awesome Clarke and I wanted to hug you and kiss you on the cheek – you know one of those really disgusting slimy kisses! But you weren't there! And then Zara looked for you when we tucked her to bed, she wanted you to read her a story, you idiot but guess what – You weren't there! You screwed up, Clarke! You screwed up, you screwed up, you screwed up! How many times would you like me to say it? Cause I can go on and on and on and by the way! I know you can hear me but you're to stubborn to pick up the phone and I know something's wrong and if you don't tell me what it is exactly I guess I'll just have to pry! And Lord help me, Clarke, I'm on to you! I'm so on to you, like you just have no – Aghrr, shit!"
"Clarke! This is Raven! You better not be banging Murphy I swear to God! You deserve better than that dirty little – hey! What the hell? – No! Get off, hey!"
"Hey Clarke, this is your very hot friend Jasper! I hope you're alright though I know you aren't because you looked like shit earlier when we ate the birthday cake and you didn't even dance with me and also you barely even tried to – you freaking asshole, I'm not done speaking yet and – Aghrrrr, NO!"
"Hello, my dear! This Jack your only black friend ever since some other guy Raven just told me about – what? I wasn't supposed to say that? Why? Oh shit – What? - Really, he's dead? - Oh shit – Oh shit! Clark I'm sorry I didn't know and also – I huuuh – I'm a little drunk and – oops was that a cup I just dropped and – Clarke, Clarke, I have to be quick they're attacking me – I love you Clarke, thank you for letting me be there for my baby girl and – and you know you are very pretty when you wear a dress instead of those ugly black jeans and those ugly black booths and those ugly – Haaaaaa! Noooooo – let me gooooo – STOP!"
"Hi, Clarke! This is Monty! And I'm pretty sure I'm the only sane friend you have left because the whole stock of wine is gone and I'm the only one who actually didn't drink a single cup of it. I'm so proud of myself, like you've no idea. Anyways, I wanted to simply tell you that you are a wonderful and beautiful woman and that women like you – well, you girl are like some statue of liberty with the light in your hand you know? And wherever you are that light will reach us and brighten our day 'cause that's how cool you are Clarke Griffin, hear that? So – I forbid you – You will not be sad! You will be happy in the morning when I show up at your doorstep with my burritos and my yummy snikers and we will have some Hunger Games marathon or something, alright?"
There's a very long pause and Clarke can't help but smile at her friends' goofiness and just when she thinks they've hung up Monty speaks again.
"I know you're there, I was just waiting for you to let this whole lot of information sink in. Try to get some sleep and take care of that beautiful dress, please! You look really hot in it so get your ass off that bed or couch or whatever and go put on some pajamas!"
And then he hangs up and Clarke actually does stand up to her feet, shuffling in the direction of her backpack so she can grab her pajamas and change into them.
And this time when she's just about to fall asleep, she's smiling and the tears have long dried.
TO BE CONTINUED...
I hope you enjoyed this long and very sad chapter :) Please, let me know what you thought of it all, your reviews make me smile ^^
Only one more chapter to go and then the story will be over. So stay tuned!
