The time was now 0835. The Captain was 35 minutes late for Alpha Shift. This was such a rare occurrence that the entire Bridge crew was on edge, wondering what was wrong to cause this to happen. She was occasionally five or even ten minutes late, but a whole half-hour?
Chakotay pursed his lips as he checked the chronometer again. This was not like Kathryn. He had already given her more leeway than any other crewmember would have gotten. The air of tension on the Bridge changed to a hum of expectancy as he stood up.
"I'm going to find the Captain. Tuvok you have the Bridge."
"Maybe now I'll get a little slack when I show up late," Tom commented from the helm.
"Doubtful, Mr Paris, since the Captain has never reported for duty hungover," Tuvok replied.
"That was one time!" Chakotay heard Tom's protest just before the turbolift doors swished shut.
The turbolift seemed much slower than usual as it carried him to the captain's quarters a few decks down, and the sound of each footstep as he strode down the corridor seemed to quicken the beating of his heart. Despite his determination to remain calm, he found his anxious mind replaying every occasion on which Kathryn had been in danger, most recently when she had been captured by two aliens and the Doctor had impersonated her as part of their conspiracy. It worried him how long it had taken him to realize it wasn't her. A year or two ago he would have known within minutes.
He was shocked back to the present suddenly, as his body froze and his heart stopped and went cold. His mind took a minute to comprehend that he had heard the worst sound imaginable to him – the sound of Kathryn screaming.
He sprinted the few doors down to her quarters and punched his emergency override into the control pad. He paused for a minute as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, then darted into the bedroom, where he found Kathryn struggling weakly against the sheets, drenched in sweat and gasping for breath. She was having a nightmare, he realized.
He grabbed her flailing hands and was startled to find them ice-cold. "Kathryn," he called. She didn't respond. He tried again louder. "Kathryn! It's me. Wake up, Kathryn, it's just a bad dream." He held her still-struggling hands in one of his and stroked her cheek with his other hand. Despite the red flush in her face, she still felt cold and clammy to him. "Kathryn, you've got to wake up. Kathryn!" He shook her shoulder, and watched in fear as her head lolled back limply. Her lips were moving but no sound was coming out. Her breath was coming in short gasps and Chakotay was afraid she might suffocate, until she took in a huge breath and let out the most terrified, blood-curdling scream he had ever heard. He slammed his hands on his ears in an effort to protect himself, and watched the horror on her face fade away as she slowly went limp.
Panicked, he leapt forward and grabbed her shoulder, trying to shake her awake. As soon as his hand gripped her shoulder, her eyes flew open, but they contained only the empty expression of a terrified animal, acting purely on instinct. She fought against his grip, scratching his arm and trying to move away within the twisted bedsheets. He grabbed her wrists and held them still, trying to keep her from hurting either of them.
"Kathryn. Kathryn, it's me, Chakotay. You're alright; it was just a dream. You're safe now, Kathryn. Safe on Voyager. It was only a dream. Kathryn, look at me. Look at me." Her struggling slowed as her eyes slowly gained focus. He tried to give her a comforting smile, but felt he didn't quite hide the fear that still lingered. "It was only a dream. You're safe."
As her eyes unclouded, she searched his face as though seeking confirmation of what he was saying. He loosed his grip on her wrists and she reached up to touch his face. "Chakotay?" she whispered. His heart broke to hear her sound so small and vulnerable.
"I'm here," he told her. "You'll be alright."
With that, her face crumpled and she pulled herself into his arms, letting out her fear and anguish in rivers of tears running down his chest.
The news soon filtered throughout the ship that the captain wasn't feeling well and would be taking the day off. Everyone was concerned, since the captain taking a break was a very rare occasion indeed. Neelix prepared her a special lunch, but otherwise she preferred to be left alone once Chakotay left after staying nearly an hour that morning.
Kathryn sat on the couch, still clutching her cold cup of coffee, and stared out at the stars, trying to forget the horrendousness of it all. It had seemed so real, having a future version of herself coming back in time to get Voyager home faster and save the crewmembers who would otherwise have died. She should have known something was wrong when the Admiral told her that Chakotay had married Seven. Chakotay didn't even like Seven, and as far as Kathryn was aware Seven didn't have any interest in dating anyone. But while it was happening, she had believed it was true. Her feelings of hurt and betrayal had certainly been real. And all those things that Seven had said… What if they really did come true? What if she had doomed everyone to an even worse fate in the Alpha Quadrant? Could she be sure she was doing what was best for them all? Could she lead her crew home, and would they really be home? Or would they simply be moving from one circle of hell to another?
She began to feel overwhelmed again with so many thoughts and feelings swirling through her head, but she resisted the urge to cry. Starfleet captains do not cry. Kathryn Janeway will not cry. Crying is a sign of weakness and she… is not…
She let her head fall forward onto her raised knees as she sobbed out her heartache, silently adding a sense of shame to her already heavy burden.
