Grace

Donk! Donk!

"Olivia, take my hand."

Through the dark of the night I can see the palm of his hand reaching for me. My fingers touch his. He lifts me from the wet soggy pit of despair that I find myself getting into every now and again.

"Where were you," I answer breathlessly. "I waited and I waited. I thought you'd never come."

"I know. Can you forgive me?"

The fog was heavy and thick like a cloud surrounding us. Hiding us from the dirty grim of New York City. I can barely see his face as he draws me into his strong arms and brushes a piece of hair from my eye.

"I had some unfinished business to attend to. You know how I am about paperwork," he softly spoke inches away from my lips.

I can smell the hot sweet scent of a cinnamon toothpick. The image of the thin wooden stick twirling around his tongue taunts my insides like too much coffee on a stressful day.

My mouth waters and I delicately swallow my nerves.

"You're simply horrid at typing," I sigh from the depths of my weary vocal chords.
"So I've been told."

He turns his face away in thought and I touch his arm to make sure that he's all right.

"Elliot?"

"Olivia."

"What's wrong?"

"Olivia."

"Elliot," I sigh and he turns to face me.

"Before I was sent to get you out of this…bind, I received a phone call."

"Yes…and…"

"The jury has come to their decision. I think you'll be pleased with the verdict. I know it took me a long time to make a stand, but I've finally convinced myself of the guilt. I thought I knew what home was….but I was wrong. Olivia, you're my home. Take me home, Olivia."

His words send me into a melodramatic faint. The faded glow of a nearby porch light blinks and buzzes in the dark of morning.

Buzz buzz buzz.

I close my eyes as he touches the side of my face and pulls it close to his. My breath falters.

Buzz Buzz

"Olivia, you're trembling"

"Oh, Elliot, I thought you'd never ask. As an unmarried woman, I was thought to be a danger. How can I live up to that in a cold cold world?"

"You must stop those thoughts, Olivia, because I'm not afraid of your danger."

Buzzzzzzzz BUZZ

His face, his eyes, his lips, all coming closer. Inching their way with great intentions towards mine. I close my eyes and hold my breath as the touch of his…

"Olivia Marie Benson!!!"

Hold that thought. What….

"HUUuuah!" I think I may have just swallowed my tongue. I sat up right from my couch in a confused state of panic.

"Wake up, Lucille."

"Jesus! Simon, you're an external rectal opening!"

Simon opened the curtains and the morning sun blared straight into my slanted sleep depraved eyes. "You scared the crap out of me!"

"Long night?"

"Yeah, remind me to take those keys off of you. Don't you know how to ring the bell?"

"I did, sleep master B."

"You're still an ass- an external rectal opening."

My voice was barely functional, but my brain was all a blazoned with thoughts of hormonal intimacy and killer instincts. I was used to clicking on at a hell raising moment's notice. Simon was damn lucky I hadn't fallen asleep with my gun on.

I sat in a daze and blinked at the images on my television screen. Grace Kelly and Frank Sinatra blubbered on in a black and white AMC special. I really needed to stop watching these marathons before bed.

Simon jumped on the couch behind me and slapped my back precariously. "Well, sorry about the scare, but it's time for you to meet the morning, big sis, cause I'm in the mood for pancakes and Captain Crunch. I've got the boy and the little woman waiting in the car. You coming?"

"Arrrrr," I groaned before slamming my face under the warm blanket between my legs. "I've only had four maybe five hours of sleep, Si, I'm exhausted."

"Come on doll, I've got the day off. You can sleep later."

"Mmmmrrr…sleep now."

"Chocolate chip pancakes. Coffee on the side. Come on, now, I've got a lot of missed breakfasts to make up for. You can't just leave me high and dry."

I turned my head slightly to see his chipper smile and his puppy dog eyes. "I hate you."

"Ha- HA! It's official! Sisterly love is never complete without the look of hate. Get up, you're going."

My three-hour catnap hadn't prepared me for a full course breakfast at the B&D diner. In a zombie like trance, I pushed myself into the old booth and did my best to hold a conversation with Simon's wife. It didn't help that she was the shy one of the group.

"So Sharon, have you started taking those kick boxing classes yet?"

She blushed and shook her head nervously. "No."

"Oh well, I'm sure you're really busy. I've been trying to make it to the gym for years now."

"Yeah."

Simon took a piece of pancake from Sharon's plate and jammed it into his mouth. "Sharon doesn't need kick boxing. I'll make her skinny again, " Simon smiled, trying to lighten up the subject with a half-assed compliment.

Sharon's mouth dropped in embarrassment. I did my best to intervene the thoughtless sentiment.

"Sharon, you're the skinniest woman I know. And kick boxing is more than a weight loss sport, Simon."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. Oh, tell her about the PTA, Shar."

Sharon shook her head and stuttered. "I...it's nothing. I'm doing the PTA this year. That's all."

"She got elected as Vice President. She wanted president, but this other woman had organizational skills out the wa-zoo. But I'm proud of her none-the-less. She's like the Dick Cheney of elementary school."

I could hardly continue the conversation. I muttered a "That's…great," and smiled. I'm sure it looked forced, but it was meant to be genuine. Just when I felt the moment growing awkward I was saved by the bell. The bell of my phone, that is. "Excuse me guys, I gotta take this."

I walked away from the table. I could vaguely hear Sharon hit the side of Simon's arm. "Ouch! What? I thought you liked being on the PTA."

"Elliot."

"Hey, Cragen needs you here. Melinda got the test results back. The bodies that Donald led us to, weren't our victims."

"What?"

"Yeah, I guess he had more victims than we knew about. We're being summoned, so get here when you can."

"Did you even go home last night?"

There was a pause and I could tell by the crackle in his voice that he didn't.

"…No."

"I didn't realize that the crib was rentable," I jabbed.

"I was too tired to drive."

"That's like the third time this week. What does Kathy have to say about that?"

"You just mind your own, Dr. Phil. It was a long night."

I lifted my brow, and even though I know he couldn't see it, he knew it was there. "Ok, sweetheart," I added chipperly for added annoyance. "I'll see you soon."

I almost clicked the phone shut and was stopped by his ", Hey…Liv?"

"Yeah."

"Good morning. Have some flowers on me."

Huh, that was sweet and unusual for him in the morning. He always liked to tease me about my snobbish tea obsession.
The tealeaves always reminded him of flowers.

I smiled a ", Dido," back at him.

I could feel his warm eyes through the cellular waves and I hung up with a tint of cherry red on my cheeks.

With chocolate caffeine in my stomach and Elliot's words in my brain, I headed for work barely feeling the exhausted weight of non-sleep hovering over my body. The walk towards East 52nd St was like a step towards heaven.

Music fades in as Olivia walks boldly through the morning rush of New York City. Song "Grace Kelly" by Mika

Do I attract you?

Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?

Am I too dirty?

Am I too flirty?

Do I like what you like?

I could be wholesome

I could be loathsome

I guess I'm a little bit shy

Why don't you like me?

Why don't you like me without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly

But all her looks were too sad

So I try a little Freddie

I've gone identity mad!

The elevator doors opened with a ding and I swear in the small corner of my imagination the number four blinked just for me.

I walked to my desk, applied a light coat of lipstick, and headed towards the interrogation room.

Elliot sat across from Donald Radcliff with that pensive smoldering look in his eye.

"Donald, I have two words for you. Life Sentence. Give us the bodies and we'll make you a deal."

"I'd just as soon rout in this room of starvation then spend one day in jail for those whores. Why do you care about their filthy corpses anyway? You have enough evidence to lock me up, so do it."

I made my way to the table and grabbed the new files. Donald followed my every move and I could tell that Elliot was repulsed by even the mere thought of it. He watched Donald's gaze and slammed on the table to grasp his attention.

"Donald! Eyes here. Listen to me you Jackass, you got a wife and kids right?"

"Hey you leave them out of this. They aren't in the picture, yeah, so what's your point?"

"My point is this. Those girls. Those 'whores' that you talk about. They all have families, just like you. If I killed your daughter, wouldn't you want to know where her body was?"

Donald chuckled and spit at Elliot's face. "Don't ever compare my daughter to those skanks again."

I stood behind Donald and glanced at Elliot's focused tension. He wiped his face and flickered his eyes to mine. It gave me the kind of chills that only movie magic could describe. I looked back at the files and sat on the corner of the table nearest to Donald. My thigh came parallel to his view. Without looking at him I spoke.

"What'cha looking at Donald?"

Donald didn't answer me. He traced the side of my body with his wicked thoughts and stopped at my glare.

"You like that," I smiled.

He smiled back. If I didn't know he was a perverted criminal I would have taken him for an average family guy. He sat up close to my face. I knew his game. I let him feel cocky just long enough to give me what I needed to break him.

"Detective, you are rare gem of a woman. I tell you what. I'll give you the bodies, if you give me yours."

"Huh, that's a flattering offer, but I don't make deals. Now my partner on the other hand is a saint of a man, and if you can convince him on the trade, I'm all yours. But… Donald," And I whispered real close to his ear. "You'd have to kill me first."

I placed the pictures of the dead women in Donald's face and he backed away in a panic.

"What's the matter Donnie, queasy stomach?"

"Get that away from me."

"You don't like the dead," I naively flirted.

"NO, I can't stand the dead. Stop it! Dead bodies is is-Oh!"

"How about this one?" I flipped through the different shots of naked dead women. "Or this one?"

"Stop. I can't tell you! I don't know where the bodies are."

"No? Oh- okay, this one."

"No really. I have no idea where they are."

"Oh, Donald, she's a beauty. I bet you loved screwing the last shred of warmth from her didn't you?"

"No! No, get it away from me. I can't look at it."

I pulled the picture away and turned to Elliot. "He's lying to us."

Elliot gave me a questioning look, and I dropped the files to the table. "The report says that all of these girls were raped after he killed them. Donald-"

And then I felt it. The stray hand that I turned my back on. Donald grabbed the inside of my leg and slid it towards the point of no return. I felt the slow motion of disgust form in my fist and just as I was about to pop old Donald a knuckle sandwich, Elliot beat me to the punch.

One smooth motion of fist to the face and Donald let go of his slimy grip from my black slacks. It's too bad Elliot's chivalrous days were rusty, because the next thing I knew his out-of-control elbow was headed straight for my-

"OWWW!"

"Liv, your eye!"

"Yep, that was my eye, " I winced.

Elliot's reaction was to ignore Donald's flailing body and touch the side of my face.

"Youch! Elliot, stop!"

"Sorry."

Cragen burst through the door and took hold of Donald. "What the hell Elliot! Get her out here. Both of you take a few
hours off. You're killing me here!"

"Captian, I'm fine."

"Olivia, out! Now!"

Elliot grabbed my arm and led me to the refrigerator in the back.

"Damn it, Liv, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. What the hell were you thinking, flirting with him like that?!"

"It worked didn't it?"

"Yeah- NO!"

I pushed him off of my arm and headed to the back on my own. "It worked fine. I just turned my back on him."

He, of course, followed me like the reprimanding father he was. "Liv, you never turn your back. Where's your head?"

"Where's my head! Where's your aim? We were this close to getting him to talk. Let me do the punching next time, ok!"

I got to the freezer door and slammed it open. He grabbed the ice tray from my hand. "Sit."

I pulled the ice tray back. "No."

"Olivia!"

"ELLIOT!"

In my fit of anger I blinked a bit too hard and recoiled in pain. "Damn it! Ahhhrrr!"

With a gentle hand he sat me in a chair and dumped the ice in a towel. Then through tears and pain I allowed him to hold the ice to my face.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

"I know. How's it look?"

"Mmm… it's a shiner."

"Great."

Elliot knelt beside me holding his hand over mine. I didn't need his help holding the ice, but it didn't bother me either.
His eyes fell to the floor in contemplation. "You think Donald has an accomplice?"

"Definitely. His story never added up to me from day one, and now that we have the autopsies back, there's no way. He's covering up for somebody. I might have believed he could rape a living woman, but not a dead one. No way."

"I'll agree with that. I say we take a look at his buddy from the Irish mob again. Something wasn't sitting right with me when we interviewed him the first time." Elliot yawned then padded my knee with his free hand. "Let's take a nap and think on it."

I nodded and followed him to the crib.

He helped me onto my usual bed and placed a blanket over me. Then he climbed into the bed next to me and looked up at the ceiling.

I watched him for a second with my good eye. I could tell he had something on his mind. Something more than the Irish Mob.

"Liv."

"Yeah."

"Can we talk for a minute?"

In my best sultry Grace Kelly impersonation I smirked ", well I don't know, the last time we talked Mr. smith you
reduced me to tears…"

"…I promise you it won't happen again," he finished.

"Elliot Stabler a Grace Kelly fan! I'd have never guessed."

"Ah, it was the only thing on last night. I couldn't fall asleep."

"I thought you were too tired to drive home."

"I was but then it was too quiet in here."

"Oh…." I didn't want to press the issue, so I went with it. "Well, I couldn't sleep either."

He ignored me and paused in thought.

"So," I said. "what's on your mind?"

"Do you…ah, how do I put this…do you ever get the feeling you're not right? Like you're supposed to be somewhere else or you're missing something? Out of life, I mean. "

"Is this about Kathy or your secret fantasy to be on television?"

"Ha, yeah."

"Yeah to both?"

"I just have a hard time-"

"Deciding if it's love or comfort?"

"Yeah."

I had a million selfish, hateful things to say, but none of them would come out. Not to mention, his vague opinion on the subject, was making me nervous. So with no other alternative, my guilty, non-religious bleeding heart ate the last of my Kathy killing lines and I swallowed it down to this. "I wish there was an easy answer, but I'm probably the last person to have the right one, let alone an easy one. You don't need stability to move forward, Elliot. I know that's what you think." What she thinks. "But Elliot, you've got amazing instincts. Go with them."

"Yeah." He paused then ", I wish it were that easy."

"Don't we all."

"Yeah…"

After a moment he shook off the thought and yawned through a bright contemplative gaze ",Now look who's whining."

"I'm telling you it's contagious," I smiled.

"Love?"

"No, whining."

"Right. You should get some rest. Close that eye of yours."

Now it was my turn to answer vaguely. "Yeah."

His frustrated eyes closed and he slowly turned on his side. Several minutes later I could hear the soft snore in his breath. The pain in my black and blue pupil shot right to my twisted heart. I knew he was struggling for answers. The longer he struggled the more desperate I felt.

I could be brown

I could be blue

I could be violet sky

I could be hurtful

I could be purple

I could be anything you like

gotta be green

gotta be mean

gotta be everything more

How can I help it?

How can I help it?

How can I help what you think?

Why don't you like me?

Why don't you like me?

Why don't you like yourself?

I tried to be like Grace Kelly

but all her looks were too sad