I had already decided this was going to be a brief reunion, even after I saw their faces.
It was day break when we crossed onto our acreage situated just east of Juneau, Alaska. Shortly thereafter, we came through a clearing onto the main property at the rear of our house. My family was collected on the terrace, their expressions a sombre and elated mix. Carlisle and Esme stood together in the forefront, while Rosalie and Emmett were set back and off to the side. Jasper was walking towards us looking at me with wild eyes and thinking a flurry of thoughts mostly surrounding intense concern, but relief as well. Surely for Alice. I swallowed hard knowing a flood of questions were about to bombard me and I almost stopped walking to brace myself.
Carlisle was first. "My son, you had us worried you would not be returning. I'm certain I don't need to tell you the relief we are all feeling right now. Please come in and get yourself cleaned up. Once you are settled we will talk." Carlisle's statement effectively put all other inquiries to rest for the time being. Alice had released me to join Jasper and Esme stepped forward for an embrace. When she pulled back she looked into my eyes for a long moment 'I know you can hear me Edward and right now all I want you to know is that I love you.' I forced a smile.
They all moved into the house in succession. I followed, stepping through the open French doors from the terrace into the Great room. I had not been to this house since the time I was masquerading as Esme's brother and Rosalie was newly born. Even though it was familiar, it held no particular warmth. The house itself was far understated as compared to our open and airy dwelling in Forks. In fact there was little room for all of us here, as the number of rooms satisfied a time when Alice and Jasper had not entered into this coven. This suited me just fine as I reminded myself that my stay here was to be temporary at best.
Esme motioned towards the den along the main hallway and I followed her to find a comfortable bed had been arranged for me there. She was obviously aware of the lack of necessity for a bed, but Esme exercised perfection at human conformity and probably thought of it as a comforting gesture. Of course my original room had been claimed by a couple prior to my arrival. My single status left me as the odd man out, and I winced for a moment while I contemplated the reason.
Esme broke the silence. "We collected some of your things when we departed from Forks. You should find most of what you need in those drawers or closet." She waved her hand in the direction of the furniture.
"Thank you," I managed. She gently placed a hand on my arm squeezing lightly and then left me alone.
I loosened what remained of my shredded clothing and sat on the bed to remove my socks and shoes. I'm not certain for how long I sat, naked and staring at the cracks in the oak flooring, but eventually snapped into focus and stood to robe and head for the shower.
As the cold water trickled down my face and over my skin my thoughts sharpened. I knew enough was enough. No more self pity. I had to pull myself together and move onto the next task. Failing this I would most certainly find reason to return to Forks, giving in to the colossal draw still wrenching my hollow body in her direction.
My immediate concern was to locate Laurent. When he made our acquaintance earlier in the year, he was intrigued by our methods of living. After Laurent's coven disbanded, rather abruptly since the leader James was eliminated, we had heard that Laurent was in Denali with Tania and her family. Of course, it wasn't ultimately Laurent I was after; he was only a channel by which to acquire information on the whereabouts of Victoria. She shamelessly fled when James was extinguished, but I knew that I would have to deal with that loose end one way or another. My train of thought trailed off to the memories of last spring, another event that nearly took her life only because she happened to be with me. Better off, much better off. I shook my head to jostle it back into focus.
I turned off the water and stepped out to towel dry. I could hear each of them down the hall.
"He seems too calm." Jasper.
"What do you think happened?" Esme.
"What if he has made a mistake?" Alice.
"I've never seen him look so terrible." Rosalie.
"This is bad, this is really bad!" Emmet.
I pondered exactly how I was going to manage a second good-bye in less than three days, but realized I was completely numb from the first, and would probably remain that way for the rest of my existence, so it seemed nothing could be worse. Still, I regretted having to disappoint Carlisle and Esme. And well, Alice, as much as she was most often annoying, she was a fairly decent sister. Emmett and Rosalie on the other hand, were just fine without me and Jasper, even more so, not having to counter balance my misery all the time.
Draping the robe around me, I reached for the bathroom door, but just then caught a flicker of movement in my peripheral. I turned to acknowledge my reflection in the mirror, the unsympathetic stare of a monster peering back at me. I rarely used a mirror, there was nothing after all, about my frozen features that could change besides the direction and flow of my hair. Moreover, it was hard to see myself. The menacing, dead face in front of me held no resemblance to the voraciously human, young man I once was. The young man who's dreams and ambitions I had long since forgotten, who's life should have ended in a hospital bed, but was reborn into this, shell, of a person. What could she have seen in these empty eyes? If the rumour were true, that the eyes are the window to the soul, then my black and yellow stained ovals should have forewarned her of my unworthiness. I turned my head away in disgust.
I returned to the den and looked about for some clothes. I pulled a grey, long sleeve v-neck out of the dresser and tossed it towards the bed. Rifling through the other drawers I found my undergarments and moved to the closet to locate some black pants. Moving back towards the bed, I peered down at the floor at what was left of my clothing. I wondered. I picked up the mangled pile of fabric and brought it to my nose. It was ridiculous really. Even with my extraordinary sense of smell, there could be no scent of her left there, but a part of me did not want to let go of the clothes. Reluctantly, I deposited them in the waste bin and forced myself once again to shake off the thoughts.
I was finishing dressing when there was thud on the door. "Hey! I'm going for a hunt. Wanna join me?" Emmett was acting as if business as usual, something he was always good at and I shouldn't have expected anything less. I realized then that I hadn't fed in almost twelve days, which was not exactly a crisis, however any longer and the urgency could cause me to lose my already fragile focus. Running my fingers through my hair I crossed the room and opened the door. Emmett's arm was raised with hand poised as if preparing for another knock.
"Oh, hey bro. So? How 'bout it?"
"Sure Emmett." I hesitated. "I'll accompany you, but just to get the deed done. No horsing around, OK?"
"Yah, sure, whatever." Emmett's response carried a tone of slight disappointment. He was used to our routine of brotherly competition, but I had nothing of that good-humoured nature left to offer.
We informed the others of our intentions and only Alice openly displayed her disappointment. She was hoping I would speak with them first to alleviate some of the anxiety. But everyone else's thoughts seemed calm, they were satisfied it seemed, for now, with the improvement on my appearance.
We moved inland towards the mountains and northern tip of British Columbia, Canada. The abundance of food in this area would make the outing brief, I knew this much. I felt so completely sluggish, however, that I could not imagine conjuring up the will to consume anything. I lingered in proximity to Emmett hoping that if he were to catch his kill first, then perhaps the aura of him and the sweet scent of the blood would have its effect on my own senses. But within only moments of officially starting the hunt, he was successful in bringing down a large brown bear and I felt nothing. I watched from a distance, witnessing the act neither repulsed nor intrigued. This was going to be a problem. If I didn't feed, it would surely become an obstacle leading to my failing the only charge left to me, that of her protection. This idea brought clarity and I knew at the very least I had to maintain a minimum level of sustenance.
I turned in the opposite direction making a concerted effort to smell the air and become one with the surrounding forest. I hadn't travelled shy of four miles when I was abruptly halted by the gleaming silvery grey eyes of a wolf staring precisely in my direction. It would normally be our tactic to startle our prey unaware, but something about the way the wolf faced me, almost as if challenging me, encouraged my instincts to take over, and the anger I was harbouring took on a new form of aggression for the kill. Moving forward, the gap closed between our forms. The wolf, now bearing teeth, hunched down and spread its paws further in a hostile stance. With the animal distinctly aware of my presence I calculated the only method of attack would be from above where for a split second the wolf might lose sight of me. I paced back and forth, lulling the creature into a steady rhythmic half circle dance, waiting for the exact moment to strike. Our eyes never looked away from the others'. Suddenly, as the wolf shifted to face me in my returning pace, it faltered. With its footing temporarily lost, I leapt forward and high in the air so to land on top of the disoriented prey. In a split second, I crashed down gripping tightly onto its thickly furred torso and buried my face into its throat, drawing the creature's earthy blood, and swiftly taking its life.
We returned shortly before dusk. My family members were casually assembled in the Great room. It was time to face the onslaught of questions and concerns that were surely just below the surface of their calmed exterior. I could avoid this no longer, so I began to speak.
"I know that all of you have questions and I hope that you can allow me to provide some explanation before you commence with inquiries. First I want to thank you for complying with my requests to leave Forks. You were all aware of the thoughts burdening me prior to the sudden move; however, it could not have been easy to side with me, even if I am your son or brother." I took an unnecessary breath. "My decision to leave became very simple after sorting through various scenarios and always coming to the same conclusion." Unintentionally I glanced in the direction of Jasper. "I was not going to have any of you personally responsible for her well being when I could not even guarantee it myself. Our only course was to sever ties with our lives in Forks completely and permanently and never look back."
Their thoughts were silent as they listened. Jasper was brimming with remorse, which he harboured still from the events of Bella's eighteenth birthday. Some of it was surely a healthy dose of my own that he was futilely attempting to absorb, only the flood of remorse from my body was an endless flow which no amount of his emotional powers could possibly alleviate. Rosalie stood by the far wall of the room looking at the floor and sneaking glances in the reflective glass of a nearby table, but everyone else's eyes were on me.
"I told her we were moving on because it was time for Carlisle to make a change. At first she began speaking of preparations for her to come along, but I made it clear the journey was to be for my family and myself." Saying the words forced me to relive the agony. To proceed, I was going to have to briefly summarize the horrid events as best I could so as not to risk a complete collapse of my sanity.
I looked directly at Alice and continued. "I understand that some of you may have parted with a friendship deeper than that which you have been rewarded amongst our own kind, and for that I am truly sorry - "
"Oh Edward for God's sake, just say Bella's name!" Alice blurted out.
I looked at Alice intently. My teeth involuntarily clenched and I could feel the skin over my knuckles stretching beyond their natural state. It wasn't because of anger directed at Alice. It was the name, her name, and the fact that I hadn't been able to bring myself to say it because I thought it would surely kill me.
"B-e-l-l-a," the annunciation of each consonant and vowel tore the insides of my throat as her name fell from my mouth, "was not going to believe me so I had to try to convince her that it was over."
Rosalie broke from her stare at the floor and spoke carefully. "It may not be my place to say Edward, but didn't you love Bella?" Ok, not what I expected. The question came out so earnestly, and how ironic, Rosalie being the least likely member of my family to bring that observation to the forefront of what was beginning to feel like an inquest.
I tried my best to respond. "My love for he- B-e-l-la, is neither the fact nor the sentiment in question here. I do love her and will do so for the remainder of my existence, but as you already know, I was not prepared to take her soul and could not accept being the one, by association, responsible for anyone who did."
"But what if... what if she does?" Alice's question was almost inaudible even for vampire hearing.
I knew what she was inferring and the thought was agonizing. I squeezed my brow, shaking my head in disagreement. "Bella promised," I advised. "She will not be harming herself, so there is no need to be concerned. Don't be looking for her future either, we've done enough damage. Swear to me you'll let this go." I punctuated my request, aimed at Alice, with a fierce stare.
She did not respond. No one spoke and their thoughts were mixed and overlapping, so that I could not make sense of them. Or maybe I didn't want to.
"There is something else I need to say," I broke the silence.
"Continue," Carlisle said, motioning with his hand.
There was no other way other than to just say it. "I won't be staying."
Esme gasped.
"But I still see things Edward, distant things that confuse me. I still see Bella becoming one of us!" Alice was perched on the arm of a couch appearing as though she would leap at me.
"Stop it!" I yelled abruptly. "I need to go. There are things I must do, for B-e-lla, for however long it takes. I'm telling you right now, I'm only staying alive as long as she is and not much beyond that. There's no point in arguing with me." I realized then that I had revealed intentions of bringing my own immortality to an end. Not a fact I wanted or felt the need to share. Now it would be virtually impossible to stop the massive wave of pleas pouring out into the room. I let my shoulders drop and looked up at the ceiling, waiting for it.
But aside from their incredulous expressions, no one spoke except Carlisle who had stayed characteristically calm and quiet throughout the conversation. He stepped forward and grasped my arms just below my shoulders. "Edward, my son. You know that we do not require your gratitude for our decision to leave Forks. We would do this and much more for you given the same opportunity again. With respect to your anguish, I speak for all of us when I say the helplessness is unbearable. Your will is strong and your soul is good. I for one cannot tell you to stay, no more than I can will it. If there is something you must do, then we will support you. But before you condemn yourself to a life of loneliness, whatever may be left of it, know that we are here and that you have choice always."
I nodded my head in acceptance of his words. Carlisle was to me greater than any being, not human, not vampire. I aspired to be like him, but continued telling myself this was an unlikely eventuality.
"When will you leave then?" Esme's features were strained as she forced out the words.
"I'm not certain," I lied. I would be out of here before the sun fell if I could. "I have something else I do need your help with before I go. I need to see Tanya."
