"Two fours!" Mouth said triumphantly, slapping down his cards.

"B.S.!" Elle jumped up and pointed at him. Mouth scowled at her.

"Dammit." He scooped up the pile of cards in the middle of the table and started sorting through them.

It was almost nine, and it was a bright Monday morning. The Goonies sat around Elle's desk, playing one of their favorite card games- B.S. Miss Elson, their teacher, was absorbed in work at her desk, and she seemed to forget that she had a class to run.

"Wow, Elle, you've been right every time," Chunk said, impressed.

She shrugged. "I practiced a lot with Mikey over the summer. One five," she added, tossing in a card.

Mikey regarded her suspiciously. "B.S.?"

She grinned. "Nope."

Mikey picked up the card, scowled at her, and added it to his deck. "Three sixes," he said, placing three new cards in the center of the table.

"One seven," Chunk offered.

"Two eights," Data said.

"Four nines," Mouth put his cards in.

"Bullshit," Elle said. "I have a nine." Mouth made a face at her and raked in the pile. "One ten," Elle continued.

"Two Jacks."

"One queen."

"One king."

"B.S.!" Elle declared to Data.

He smiled slyly at her. "No."

Elle checked the cards. "Asians..." she grumbled. "You guys are a bunch of lying bastards," she said, going through the cards she had taken. "Tens, aces, fives... I should just call B.S. on all of you."

"Hey, so have you heard of this winter dance thing coming up?" Mouth asked as Elle ordered her cards from ace to king.

"Yeah, I saw it on a poster outside," Mikey said. "Why?"

"I bet you ten bucks I can get a date before any of you can."

"Deal," Elle shrugged without any sign of hesitation.

"Er... okay..." Mikey said.

"Alright!" Data cheered. "I'm gonna beat you this time, Mouth, you wait and see-"

"Oh, no. I'm not doing it! I hardly get any allowance as it is," Chunk grumbled.

"Great!" Mouth said, leaning back. "By this time tomorrow I'll have thirty bucks."

"In your dreams," Elle rolled her eyes, and play resumed.


"You want a breathing problem? You got one!" Brand said irritably, pulling Mikey on the chair with him. He let out a yelp as Brand gave him a noogie.

"What'll happen to the stuff that's in the attic?" Mouth asked Mikey, coming to the arm of the chair. It took the combined efforts of Data and Elle to move Brand's arm away to let Mikey answer.

"My dad's giving it back to the museum," Mikey said, sitting up. "Or whoever the new museum assistant curly- curney-"

"Curator," Brand said.

"Wait a minute, guys!" There was a mischievious glint in Mouth's eyes as he spoke. "Maybe there's stuff up there that we can keep from the oldsiders! Maybe there's some rich stuff!"

"No, no, no there's not-!" Mikey tried to tell his friends, but his small voice was drowned out by the excited cries of his friends. Brand shoved him off his lap and raced the others to the attic. "No, it's my dad's responsibility, you guys! The museum's probably got a list!" he cried desperately, following his friends to the attic. "Listen to me, dammit! That's his stuff!"

The attic door creaked open easily, thanks to Brand's strength. "Look at this," he breathed, climbing the ladder into the darkness. "I never knew dad had all this stuff up here."

"Great, look at that! Neato!" Chunk exclaimed.

"Hey, come on guys!" Mikey yelled over the pattering rain. "My dad doesn't want you all up here, you heard what my mom said about not letting anyone up here-!"

"Mikey," Mouth said, throwing an arm around his friend's shoulder, "I cannot believe you actually have something this cool in your house."

"This is great! We only have old Hanukkah decorations in my attic!" Chunk said excitedly, balancing a huge pirate hat on his head.

"I don't care what's in your attic-" Mikey started, but a sudden thunder clap shook the attic, releasing dust that was held in the nooks and crannies. Everyone became rather quiet. Mikey took a breath from his inhaler, as he always did when he was stressed.

"Okay, you saw it, let's go," he said nervously.

"Come on, Mikey, it's cool!" Data protested.

"It's dusty, my hay fever's acting up and you always break something," Mikey said in an exasperated tone.

"That's Chunk," Elle said. "Not us."

"Whatever, it's just that-"

"Heyyy, Mikey!" a voice said from the painting behind him. "Come over here and make me feel like a woman! Give me a nice, wet, lickery kiss!"

"Ew," was Elle's only remark.

Mikey ripped the painting from its position, revealing Mouth crouched behind it. "I gotcha, now get out from there, you're ruining the painting!" Mikey scolded him.

"You're ruining my joke!" Mouth shot back. "The painting's already cracked, and-"

"Hey, Mikey, where'd you get all this stuff anyway?" Chunk asked from across the room.

"Uh, the museum did like, an exhibit, a... a retropactum-"

"Retrospective," Elle corrected him.

"That's what I said, Elle. Don't contradict me. Anyway, they did that, and well, these are the rejects."

"Kind of like us, huh?" Elle said, flicking through a book. "The Goonies."

"I"m not a reject!" Mouth said.

"Pshh. Whatever," Elle rolled her eyes. She saw Chunk barreling through the narrow walkway and backed up to make space for him. Her foot caught on something behind her- a framed picture?- she gave a yelp as she fell backward onto more frames. There was a tinkling of glass breaking, and everyone went quiet again. Elle could already feel the heat rising to her face. A second later, a sharp pain came in waves from her ankle, dizzying her.

"S-sorry," she stammered, trying to lift herself out of the wreckage.

"Elle! Oh my God! Are you alright?" Mikey was instantly at her side.

"Yeah, I think so- give me a hand instead of just standing there-" He heaved her up, but a second later the pain in her ankle worsened, and she swayed on the spot. "I think something happened to my ankle, but otherwise everything's fine." Elle bent down and began mopping up the shards of glass everywhere, trying very hard not to cry. She'd just earned Mikey a month's worth of punishment and maybe a cast for her foot.

"Hey- what's this?" Mikey pulled out a piece of parchment from under the glass.

"Hey- Mikey found a map!" Chunk exclaimed, seeing the old, yellowed paper in his friend's hand. In no time flat, the rest of the crew was gathered around Mikey, each straining to see the warped parchment.

"Hey, look! That says '1632.' Think it's a year?" Chunk asked excitedly.

"No, it's your top score on Pole Position," Mouth said sarcastically.

"Yes, it's a year, and it's a map of our coastline." Mikey said patiently.

"What's all that Spanish junk there?" Brand pointed out the writing.

"Mouth, you said you could translate- translate!" Mikey said, shoving the paper underneath his nose.

"Uh, no." Elle said, squeezing in between Mouth and Data. "It's my turn to translate Spanish. Mouth, you did it earlier with Rosalita, remember?" Mostly, Elle wanted to prove she was worth something, other than a klutz. "Okay.." she squinted to read the flowery script. "Ye... intruders... beware... Crushing death and... grief, soaked with blood..." she looked up at them. "Of the trespassing thief?"

"Guys, this map is old news," Brand said in a tired voice. "Everyone went looking for that when our parents were our age. I mean, haven't you ever heard of that guy? What was his name?" Brand tried to remember. "The pirate guy. One-Eyed Willy!"

Suddenly Mikey's eyes went wide as though someone had told him the secrets of the universe. Elle thought it made him look a bit like Elijah Wood.

"One-Eyed Willy!" he repeated the name in recognition. "Yeah, he was the most famous pirate of his time, my dad told me all about him!"

"Dad'll do anything to put you to sleep," Brand scoffed.

"No! See, One-Eyed Willy stole a treasure once, and it was full of rubies and emeralds-"

"And diamonds?" Chunk put in.

"And diamonds," Mikey agreed. "And then, he loaded it all onto his ship and he sailed away into the sunset. And then the British kind found out about it, and he sent out this whole armada to go after him. It took them a few weeks to catch up with Willy, though. And then- then there was this big war, between the armada and Willy's ship- the Inferno- and during the fight there were guns and cannons bursting everywhere, and then Willy fled, because he knew he'd get killed if he'd stayed around. And then, he got into this cave, and the British blew up all the walls around him, and he got caved in, and he's been there ever since!"

"Forever?" Data asked.

"Forever!" Mikey replied.

"And ever?" Chunk asked in disbelief.

"Trapped," Mikey concluded.

"Wow." Chunk said, impressed.

"You sound just as corny as dad does," Brand said, disgusted.

"Dad tells me the truth," Mikey told him. "And you know what he said? He said One-Eyed Willy had been down there for years. They were digging tunnels and caves, setting booty traps-"

"Booby traps," Data interjected.

"That's what I said, booby traps, so anybody who tried to get in would die. Then he killed all his men, so they wouldn't get his treasure."

"Yeah, wait a minute, Mikey," Chunk said. "If Willy killed all his men, then how did the map or the story get out?"

"Yeah, my dad says that one of the guys must have gotten out with the map, and-"

"Hey, Mikey, I believe you," Chunk said hastily.

"I don't believe you at all," Mouth said. He was gearing up for an argument about Mikey's stupid story. Pirates and treasure- that was all grade school stuff. He glanced at Elle to see if she was really buying into his story. She was poring over the map, tracing the routes with her finger. She was muttering nonstop under her breath.

"Guys, come on! We should do it. It would take care of all my dad's debts, and we wouldn't have to leave the Goon Docks!" Mikey said.

"Come on, Mike," Chunk groaned. "I don't wanna go on another one of your Goonie adventures."

Elle bristled and opened her mouth to say that the map might be authentic, but then the doorbell rang. Everyone jumped a foot in the air at the sudden noise. Once the shock had ebbed away they raced each other down the stairs to the door. "Guys!" Mikey cried. "Where're you going? You don't want to do this?" He picked up the map. Elle toted a strange stone doubloon that had come with the map, heaved herself up, and carefully limped down the stairs.

Everyone burst through the screen door and onto the front porch. "Jerk alert," Mouth moaned. There were two men dressed in matching trenchcoats and hats. Black umbrellas shielded them from the rain.

"Can I help you?" Brand asked.

They looked pleasently surprised to see them. "Well, hello little guys. I'm Mr. Perkins. Troy's father," he added for some reason.

"We know Troy, he's a cheap guy," Data said disgustedly.

"My dad's not home, Mr. Perkins," Brand sighed.

"Is your mommy here?" he asked in a slow voice, as though addressing five year olds.

"No, she's down at the market buying Pampers for all us kids," Brand said sarcastically.

Mr. Perkins forced a chuckle. "Papers," he muttered to his cohort. "Well, can you give these papers for your father to read through and sign? We'll be by to pick them up in the morning," Mr. Perkins held up a stack of different colored papers.

"Thank you," Brand said, taking them.

"Thank you," Mr. Perkins said, the barest hint of a grin on his face.

"What is that?" Mikey asked his brother as he came back to the porch.

"Dad's business," Brand said gruffly.

"But what is it?"

"I told you, it's Dad's business!" Brand repeated. Then he looked at the retreating figures of Mr. Perkins and his friend. "Look at them smiling," he said nastily.

"They can't wait til tomorrow to foreclose on whatever it's called," Data said.

"Trash the Goon Docks," Mouth said grimly.

"I hope they make our house a sand trap," Brand agreed.

"And never get their balls out!" Mikey added hotly.

"You know, I think they made me lose my appetite," Chunk said sadly as everyone triapsed back in.

"Wow," Elle said, impressed. "I didn't think anything could do that."

"Hey, where's Mikey? Mom's gonna kill me if he's out in the rain too long," Brand said, trying to appear casual, but a thin note of panic in his voice gave him away.

"Uh, I think he's still on the porch," Elle said, following Chunk to the kitchen. Brand left the room.

"Why are there no reflective surfaces in the kitchen?..." Mouth asked, searching high and low.

"Try the toaster," Elle rolled her eyes, leaping onto the counter.

He brightened. "Thanks!" He ran his comb through his hair for the dozenth time that day.

"Boy, am I depressed," Chunk said, going into the fridge. Brand returned with Mikey just as Chunk sprayed half a can of whipped cream into his mouth. Mikey made a face at him as he hoisted himself onto the counter next to Elle.

"If I found all of One-Eyed Willy's rich stuff, I'd pay all my dad's bills," he sighed. "Then he could sleep at night, instead of sitting up trying to figure out how we can stay here."

"Me too," Elle said.

"Me three," Mouth agreed, lowering himself into the sink.

"Me four," Data said.

"Forget any adventures, limp lungs," Brand said, just as Chunk was about to add "Me five." "If I let you out, Mom will ground my ass, and I've got a date with Andy."

"You're dreaming, dude. No way," Mouth said. "Her mom has to drive, and you're gonna make it with her and her mom," he pointed out.

"Shut up, Mouth." Obviously Brand had not thought of this.

"Yeah, Mouth," Data sighed in agreement.

"Shut up, Data," Mouth returned. But his triumph was short-lived; as he was passing, Brand twisted the knob of the sink, and water gushed out. Mouth yelped in surprise and leapt out, feeling his jeans. "Jesus!" he moaned, getting some paper towels. On any other occasion, Mikey might've laughed- but with the foreclosure looming ever closer to them, it was hard to. Instead, he got up from the counter and unfurled the map.

"What're we gonna do about that country club?" Mikey asked worriedly. "It's killing our parents. If we don't do something now, there's gonna be a golf course right where we're standing."

All five Goonies looked at each other. As the storm raged outside, a plan began to form.