Disclaimer: I don't own or want Harry Potter, Rowling can keep 'im. But can I keep Sevie? Pleeeeaaaase….
' SWEETHEART !!! YOURS !!! THAT FUCKING PART-PIGMEY SON OF A ELF-WHORE AND SEA DOG DID WHAT ?!!'
'Even not knowing the content of this letter I have a feeling I would agree.' came a voice from a doorway.
Such a Good Buddies
Hermione jumped so high that it's a miracle she still got all of her limbs attached to her body when she landed. She grouped around her bed sheets, looking for a magic stick. She found it and spun around to face
what tha…
There, in a shadow of doorstep stood something that could only be described as a walking pile of dirty laundry. Under further inspection in the middle of it she could see a mouth and holes for eyes staring at her, skin abound them chocolate brown. The figure slowly withdrew deeper into the shadow and almost tripped over what looked like an old pink scarf her granny knitted for her when she was 5. Looking even closer she realized it Was her ugly pink scarf. And then there was her mother's old bathrobe, her green knee length stockings, dads 70's leather jacket with metal spikes and his brown pantaloons with yellow ducks, and to finish the looks, latex waist hugger with holes for eyes and mouth and a white puffy hat on top.
Whoever it was Dobby would have been proud and, if Hermione wouldn't have been scared shitless, she would have laughed her head off.
During the observation laundry creature tried to move into the room as he found another shadow. Hermione quickly snapped to attention and raised her wand looking straight at the intruder. But the creature simply ignored her and she even thought she heard him snicker.
'Who the hell are you?!' she shrieked 'Reveal yourself!'
'Sorry, Granger, can't.' came the voice that reminded her of someone, but she couldn't quite place it.
'Reveal or I hex the… the laundry off you. Or …' Hermione did her best "I'm bad" voice but failed.
Though this time the creature seemed to flitch and withdraw as deep into the shadow as huma…creatu…whatever'LY possible. But then again, looking at Hermione, it started snickering.
'Or what?! Hex me with that eating stick for sushi?' cackled the creature.
Hermione quickly glanced at her 'wand'. She almost slapped her face.
'Merlin's butt!!!' and dropped the stick diving into her sheets to find her Real wand.
But no such luck. After a couple of minutes and no curses flying her way she rose and looked into the shadow tentatively. There, leaning against the wall holding a sushi plate, was the intruder calmly licking vasabi from two stick – one wand, other from the floor. Hermione froze on spot.
'Looking for this?' it chuckled and licked the wand again. 'Close the doors and lock 'em.' It bark-commanded.'
Hermione, still looking at her wand in stranger's mouth, complied.
'Now… wanna wand back?' a nod. 'Then sit and listen… no, draw the curtains first, it's getting hot in here.'
'Wonder why…' she murmured under her breath but did what instructed, then sat on her bed and preyed to Merlin that this weird thing would stop chewing her wand. It did and looked at her. Now the only source of light in the room was a TV but Hermione could see It smirking all right.
'Now here's the deal, you go find me something decent and black to wear, preferably with hood to cover my face and gloves. Then we will talk about your wand.'
'Then stop chewing on my wand.' Hermione said annoyed everything else forgotten.
'Haven't ate in days, can't blame me.' But took the wand out of its mouth. 'After that you could start eating roast meat with vegetables.' It said, disgusted. 'Now get going. And if you try escaping or calling anyone, be assured, tomorrow you won't be turning 18.'
Too bad…, thought Hermione.
Hermione came back after a few minutes with her fathers black leather pants, again, from 70's, brother's black "KISS" jumper with a hood, black leather gloves and boots. Like fuck she was going to give him socks.
The stranger took offered clothes with a node and stared at her.
'I don't strip-tease, Granger. Not without a reasonable price anyway.'
Hermione scowled and turned around. After few minutes stranger cleared his throat and she spun around, her jaw dropping momentarily. There, pretty much still naked, only with tight leather pants on, stood one and only, I-Am-Evil git of the dungeon, Severus Snape.
Snape growled and tried to quickly cover himself with jumper, but Hermione could just read first three letters of tattoo on his chest – BAT.(how befitting) She was about to ask about the last two letters when she looked at his face and started laughing uncontrollably. His all body was deathly white except for three very brown spots on his face where the wholes in latex corset on his head had been. He looked like a Dalmatian.
'Please share the joke, Granger.' He growled. 'And I don't remember permitting you to turn around.'
Hermione tried to be as serious as humanly possible and said: 'You cleared you throat, and I thought…' but she cracked again, this time almost doubling over from laugher.
'First of all I… I have a cold, and second, WHAT THE HELL IS SO DAMN FUNNY!'
Hermione still unable to speak, pointed a finger at the bathroom mirror. Snape looked and visibly flinched.
'Wha… wha' happen'd?' She asked in a weak voice.
Snape looked at her contemplating his answer and finally said in a veeeery serious voice: 'We have a situation here, Granger. I'll explain latter if you promise not to wave your hand and ask question.' He snarled and looked around. ' I have to take care of something. I need parchment and quill.'
How dramatic, she thought, first he freaks me, now he's standing in the middle of my room still freakin' me, and then he gives me That look and That voice to say that he'll talk to me later? And what's up with him anyway?!
Hermione stood up and went to her desk. As fascinating as the wizarding world is, they still can't come up with something like white thin paper and a pen. She handed him the paper and he looked at it, frowning.
'I didn't think you could afford it, it costs galleon a peace.' He said. 'I can use simple parchment.'
So it was working, Hermione thought. The alienation between muggle and wizard world. They would rise prices so no wizard could afford even a white sheet of paper and eventually loose interest in muggle stuff, or start hating them not being able to produce cheap white paper as in muggle world. Brilliantly idiotic…
'Feel free to use. I have the whole stack.' She waved it away and sat on her bed. 'I promise not to ask questions if you give me back my wand.'
Not that I would ask, just get out.
Snape was still standing shocked, looking from paper to Hermione mesmerized. He handed her wand and sat at the desk, only then noticing pens of all colors littering her desk. He looked as if he just broke into Gringots vaults.
Oh great, now he's going to kill me for office writing-materials?I bet 25 cent pen costs 25 galleons.
Finally, after good ten minutes Snape was able to choose one of the colored ink pens. Shockingly…(!!!!)
… it was green…
He started writing what looked like a long, I mean really long list of names, every now and then stopping to remember one or another. After about half an hour he was finished. He held the paper in his hand, tipped his want, and it… vanished!
Hokus-Pokus, thought Hermione, so he knows how to do that too, huh? The book of medieval spells could be only found in the library of Ankh-Morpork, which is protected and unplotable for both, muggles and wizards alike. How do I know these spells? Dohhh, Terry Pratchett's books, of course. The man is totally daft or as evil as Voldemort to reveal such things. But these are muggle books and Snape doesn't seem like goofy-book type…
'Granger, for Merlin's sake!' Snape was shouting. 'Back from Wonderland?'
'Yah, one more second and I would have couth up with the white rabbit. What a shame…' she mock-whined. 'Talk?'
Again, why am I doing this? Snape thought, oh yeah, I\m in her house and she's a witch with wand.
'Yes. I talk, you listen. We have a bit of situation here. I don't know how you manage it, but you were asked to join one very elite group of researchers.' Snape stoped talking and looked at her as if expecting something to happen. Nothing did. 'What?! Aren't you excited?'
'Snape, I'm on holiday, I have one big, no… small, anyways, Minister of Morons to deal with, I have issue with plans and I have a huge issue with you standing here.' Hermione half spat.
'Damn, what's wrong with you?' Snape almost looked shocked, alllmost. 'Well I thought you'd fall for research trick. Shame…' and smirked.
Hope she's not brain damaged or something. She shouldn't react like that…
'Anyway, I'm here because this was the nearest hiding place to stay during the day, I thought you wouldn't mind, now would you?'
'Ahhh, why didn't you say so, Pr'fessor?! After all we were such a good buddies back at Hogwarts!' Now she was really pissed.
'I just knew you'll understand…' he rolled his eyes. 'Someone's on my tail and I'm in your house. If I were you I would double the wards and be ready to leave fast if needed. I'm staying here tonight and maybe tomorrow. And! If I were you I wouldn't do anything stupid with me around.' He finished.
'You know it's pretty hard to take it seriously from a James Bond wannabe with Dalmatians' face, looking like punk.'
Snape finally had it. 'Go double the wards.' He snarled pointing his wand between her eyes.
Hermione did just that.
'Fuck him.'
When she came back, house more warded than Gringots vaults, he wasn't to be seen in the room. She took another look around the room, then her window, then her house, then her garden. No sign of the bat.
'Well double fuck him.'
And went to sleep.
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