TW: Unhealthy coping mechanisms, insomnia, implied child abuse, implied PTSD
There were words, words he's always heard. Words that sting, hurt, ache; but no. No, he can't tell anyone that. Why? Why can't he let his stone facade slip and cry like a normal human being, on a friend's shoulder? Well, firstly, he doesn't have friends; he has parasites that suck the life out of him, that leave him drained and tired, that will one day kill him. Secondly, he was a Togami; a Togami can't cry hurt be seen as weak. He has to fight, has to be strong, and win .
That was beaten into him more than anything. He needs to win. If he wins, he has the world at his fingertips; if he lost, he might as well be dead. That was life, there was no reason to cry over it. Who cares if your siblings want you dead, that your parents think of you as disposable and equal to dirt . It doesn't matter because, if you can't take that, the world will chew you up and spit you out. That makes it ok. That means that his family does care, and is just trying to prepare him …
No. He's too smart and logical to buy that… right? Perhaps not, it's a comforting thought to lull him to sleep. He deserves that at least, doesn't he? A nice thought to shroud himself in as he pretends he's not crying himself to sleep.
Honestly, he shouldn't even be in this hospital room. He just got bad dreams sometimes, he just lost track of time sometimes, he just stared into space sometimes. It didn't matter because he won against them, didn't he? He was prepared and strong and perfect. He wasn't like Ishimaru, in and out of this ward like it had a revolving door. He wasn't weak or depressed . He wasn't like Oowada, who couldn't even look at a motorbike or cross the street by himself. He was a Togami , unlike the common filth.
He wasn't as lost in his head as Naegi, making up people and situations that just weren't real. He was fine ! He didn't need to be here! He didn't need the medication they tried to force down his throat. They were nightmares - no, bad dreams , call them bad dreams - that was all! Besides, wouldn't anyone who knew what he did say he deserved it? That he should suffer?
Perhaps that's why he kept Naegi so far from him, sharp tongue rattling off insults and painful truths, only for the boy to mutter "Byakuya and I grew a little closer today". It was… rather heartbreaking, he supposed. Naegi was good company, even more so when he was lucid. It was thanks to this that he'd actually shared things with him, often coupled with an insult to keep some illusion of distance between them, even though he was probably just forcing himself to think that.
No. No, everyone thought he hated the boy's guts . Surely Naegi had to see they weren't "growing closer". It was probably something his diseased little mind was making up for him!
No. He knew that wasn't true, either.
He was growing closer to Naegi, trusting him, and he loathed himself for it. He couldn't decide if it was this issue or the nightmares - bad dreams - keeping him up, and he didn't really want to. He just lay there, staring at the ceiling with dark shadows under his eyes.
Another sleepless night, it seemed. Still, he wasn't broken or weak , he just couldn't sleep .
If only he actually believed that...
