Step #9: Making Direct Amends, Part 2

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine; James Duff, et al, has that lovely distinction. The 12 Steps of AA was utilized within.

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Step #9: Making Direct Amends: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

He stood as soon as he saw her approaching him and moved in to hug, stopping short when he felt her hand on his chest. "Thanks for coming, Sharon," he said as he sat back down.

"I said I would, Jack," she commented as she sat across from him on the small blanket he'd set out already.

"Yeah, and you do what you say, that's for sure," he practically grunted.

She couldn't help the glare though she did manage to remain silent. When he didn't say anything else and the silence became awkward, she admitted, "I cancelled dinner with Andy to be here with you, Jack."

That made him decide it was best to get right to it. "It wasn't all bad, you know, we had a lot of dreams in the beginning."

She smiled at the memory of those early days. They were young and so in love. They shared their bodies and their dreams with each other and made plans for a long future together. They had even planned the two children that had turned out to be more than he could handle sober, or drunk for that matter. Her smile began to fade as she remembered how so many of those dreams never came to fruition, mostly on her end.

"We did," she agreed quietly, "but dreams are just that, Jack, they're hopes and wishes and they don't always come true." She sighed and shrugged. "We did have love though. We loved each other, jack, and for what our love gave me, I will always be grateful." She could never be sorry that loving Jack had given her Emily and Ricky.

"I was a terrible husband, Sharon, but I loved you. Hell, I still love you." He put up a hand, "I know I did everything I could to mess things up while you held everything together." She saw his eyes well up with tears and felt hers respond in kind. "I lost the best damn thing, the only truly good thing that I ever had in my sorry ass life." He wiped his face with one hand. "Sharon, I'm sorry, you gotta know how sorry I am. God, I never meant to do everything I did, to put you through all that, to put the kids through it. I never meant to do any of it and I sure as hell never meant to hurt you."

"Yet you did, Jack, and not just once but time and again and I let you." She felt the first tear start sliding. His hand automatically reached out to brush it away with his thumb.

His gentle touch reminded her of what it was like in the good times, what loving him physically was like. He was a charmer in every aspect of his life but he was a gentle lover, warm and considerate, when he was sober. He gave as much as he took when he genuinely loved her in her bed. Yes, even he knew it was her bed but she loved him in it over the years anyway.

She shook herself out of those thoughts after he removed his hand. "I'm a selfish guy, Sharon, we both know that. I can be a selfish sonofabitch. If you let me get away with something, I sure as hell was gonna do it again."

She sighed deeply. "But then you complained when I had to bring things to your attention more than once. You left, Jack, so many times you were just gone and that damn letter would be there waiting for me to read what you couldn't tell me to my face. Do you have any idea what that did to me?"

He reached over and wiped another tear from her cheek with his left hand as he used his right hand to wipe his own. "No, I don't have any idea, Sharon. I know it was wrong to do that to you but I have no damn idea what my running away really did to you."

"It hurt, Jack. The first time you left, it literally felt like my heart hurt when I was alone in bed. I hurt so deep it felt like I'd never stop crying. I had to be strong for the children because they were missing you too but God, Jack, I hurt so much that first time." She raised her legs and hugged herself around them.

His heart clenched watching her protect herself against him, against the memories he gave her. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, fighting the shame he felt rising within.

"When you came back, I really thought we had a chance but the reality of life set in eventually and one day I went home from work, two children and four bags of groceries and I saw the damn letter." She wiped her own tears away this time. "You broke my heart a little more each time you did that, Jack, but I became used to it after a while and eventually I didn't cry as much and my heart only ached for a day."

"Oh my God, Sharon," he whispered through his hand over his mouth.

She sat cross-legged now and took his hands in hers. "You know what the most ironic thing is though?" He shook his head to signify he didn't. "In the end, to protect myself, I became the very thing you always accused me of being." A sad laugh escaped her. "I became the cold, rule-loving, shut-off woman you always said I was whenever you were drunk and angry at me."

Letting go of her hand, he wiped away another one of her tears, and then went back to letting her hold it. "I shouldn't have yelled at you, Sharon. I shouldn't have called you those names. You are not made of ice and you are not someone I could only be around drunk. You let me in your bed every time I came back and God knows you let me know how much you still loved me. Even when you instituted the two-day rule, you showed me you still wanted me in your bed."

He let his mind remember their lovemaking over the years. Even as they'd aged, she was such a passionate lover, such a vocal lover with him. But the most powerful words she ever told him was the tearful "I love you" she whispered when they were coming down from their high. She'd say it every time he came back, always on the first time they made love. Feeling himself get aroused and knowing he shouldn't be, he brought himself back to their conversation tonight. "The last time was a surprise but you had Rusty there and you were so much stronger, protecting him like you did Emily and Ricky."

"He wasn't our child. He didn't grow up with you being there until you weren't," she paused, "until you were again. Emily and Ricky were used to it, whatever they felt about it, Jack, they were used to it." She pointed her hand towards herself. "I let them get used to it. I let them think it was normal, that your behavior was acceptable as their father and my husband." A sob escaped though she really didn't want to cry tonight. "I tried to protect them from it, from the hurt, from you, Jack, and I ended up teaching them that it was normal for us."

He pulled her towards him and held onto her tightly, his head on hers, tears flowing down his own cheeks only to be lost in her hair. He felt her arms move around his middle and she adjusted her legs to the new position she found herself in. "I taught them to be like us," she quietly sobbed.

"No you didn't, Sharon. Emily and Ricky are good kids, they're good like you. They are nothing like me, you hear me. Damnit, I wasn't around long enough for them to be like me. They got the best I could give them, Sharon, and that was to be raised by you and you alone."

He kissed the top of her head and gently rubbed her back, the need to hold her as tightly as he had now gone. "That doesn't excuse what I did. It doesn't excuse the drinking and the gambling. It doesn't excuse me going through your money like it grew on trees. In the end, I loved those kids but I couldn't be a father, I couldn't be a husband. Not like normal people can be. Letting them be raised by you was the best thing I could do for them."

"You said I kept them from you," she sniffed.

"Well, truthfully you did but as I saw them over the years, the little bit I did sometimes, I saw you in them. I was pissed in the beginning that I didn't see myself but later when I saw how good they were, hell I was so glad not to see myself in them."

"You do have some good qualities, Jack. I didn't fall in love with a horrible person. It's with the person you became that I fell out of love."

"Was that a long time ago?" Though his voice was low and he sounded hesitant, he held her tighter so she'd know he wanted the truth.

"Yes, it was, Jack." She looked at him now. "I will always have a very special place in my heart for the man I fell in love with, for the man I married and created Emily and Ricky with but that means I care for you as that man, as the father of my children who I am so very lucky to have, it doesn't mean I love you anymore."

It was her turn to wipe the tears from his face. "I screwed up so badly, Sharon, I mean really big time screwed up. Rusty was right. I had the damn big jackpot and I threw it away," he chuckled sadly, "or more to the point, I walked away from it. I left a freaking million dollar jackpot on the table and just walked away from it. I am so sorry I hurt you, Sharon."

He took time to think back over the past. He focused on all those years when his wife and kids were in Los Angeles and he was in Vegas. He thought of the woman he'd very seriously dated and created a life with that she didn't know about because it would've broken her heart to know that he could love another while still married to her, to know that he was in an extended relationship and still joining her in her bed when he was in LA. It would've broken her heart to be honest with herself and acknowledge that he was only there to see her and the kids because he was asking her for money or some other favor to get him out of whatever new mess he found himself.

Bringing himself back to the present, he sighed deeply. "I couldn't do it but I should've just stayed away. I caused more pain doing what I wanted and not worrying for one damn minute what you wanted or what I was doing to you or the kids but mostly to you. My God, Sharon, most women would've moved on long before now. Yet you're still debating about it. I accept that I did that to you."

He moved her head back under his chin, held it there with one hand as the other lay on her back, holding her close. "I am so sorry. I have no excuses, I don't. I'm a weak, selfish man; that's a fact. I screwed us up, Sharon, but don't let me screw up your life for good. I may not be ready to see it but don't spend the rest of your life alone because of me. It's not fair. Don't let me do that to you."

"I remained true to our vows, Jack, but the divorce papers are proof that I don't have to anymore. I'm just making sure I don't jump in too quickly again and make another mistake based on emotions alone. It has to be both sides of my brain this time, emotion and logic." She looked up at him when she realized the word she'd let slip. "You weren't a mistake, Jack; my letting it go on as long as I did was the mistake."

"I know what you're saying, Sharon, I know what you mean. I can't be a mistake because then Emily and Ricky would be too and they're not. They're the only really good thing I gave you."

She wiped his tears away again. "I still have the ability to love, Jack. You didn't take that from me. I wouldn't allow you to take that." She paused, debating, but tonight was a night for truth. "Andy's a good man and he's so very good to me. How could I not care about him as much as he cares about me?" She smiled brightly for the first time that night. "I'm happy to see him. I enjoy our time together. I look forward to it, Jack. I like seeing his name on my phone's Caller ID when I'm in bed having trouble falling asleep. I enjoy caring about someone who feels the same way about me."

"You are in deep, my lovely ex-wife," he said with a smile, running his hand through her hair.

"Yes, I'm just trying to find the right time for us to discuss it, for us to tell each other."

He kissed her forehead. "There is no right time, Sharon. The right time is whenever you say it. You really think Andy's gonna care when it comes out?" He tilted her head up further. "Do you?"

"No, I don't, Jack, and I won't whenever he admits it."

He kissed her softly on the lips, chaste yet lingering. Her lack of response told him everything. "Good-bye, Sharon."

"Good-bye, Jack. You have the chance to be a good father to our children. They still want that, you know."

"Yeah, hope's still alive." He started to stand, grunted loudly, extending his hand to her to help him up. "Damn I'm getting old. When the hell did it get so hard to get off the sand?"

She couldn't suppress her laugh, "When you started to get so damn old."

They walked to their cars next to each other without touching. She watched him put the unopened picnic basket into his trunk as she disabled the alarm on her vehicle. "Don't forget it's there or it'll smell like something died in your car," she teased.

"Well, I can't have that kind of reputation as a defense attorney, huh. I'll be the guy whose car smells like I keep the bodies hidden in the trunk to win cases," he smirked as he slammed the trunk closed. "You take care of yourself, Sharon."

She nodded, "I will, you do the same, Jack. Good luck with the program."

"Thanks," he said as he got behind the wheel, managing to turn the ignition before he was even fully in the seat.


As she drove home, the butterflies were asleep. She was glad she and Jack had this time together tonight but she wanted to end her night talking with Andy.

She was emotionally drained as she entered her condo, telling Rusty she was home and needed to wash off the day when he answered her knock on his bedroom door.

The hot spray felt good as it rained down on her, easing the stress and aches away along with Jack's tears she knew were the culprits behind the small wet spots in her hair.

Wearing the softest night gown she had, she climbed into bed, phone in hand. Once she was in a comfortable position for both talking and relaxing, she called Andy. He answered on the second ring. "Hi," she husked involuntarily, her hand on her thigh through her blankets.

"Hey," she could practically hear the smile in his voice, "I was just gonna call you."

"Is it all right to let you know I missed you tonight?" she asked quietly, a hint of uncertainty she was trying to hide.

She heard him chuckle softly. "I think you just did."

"Yes, I suppose I did. I'm sorry I cancelled our plans. I really did want to spend time with you." She quietly sighed. "Jack wanted me to meet him so he could complete step nine and check me off his list."

It was his turn to sigh, though not as quietly as he had hoped. "Are you okay?" he asked, concern evident in his voice. He knew what those meetings were like. If people were honest with their feelings, they were emotionally taxing on everyone involved.

"It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We talked, cleared a great many things up and had the chance to really say good-bye to each other and to that part of our lives. It was very cathartic, Andy."

"I'm glad, Sharon. As long as you're okay than I'm glad you cancelled on me and were able to work things out with Jack. That was more important."

She was still amazed at his capacity for empathy when it came to Jack despite how much he hated that he'd hurt her and worried that she still felt connected to him through their children. "Thank you for understanding, Andy. I had to put away the past to be able to move forward and I finally did that tonight."

"That's really good to hear. Whoever you move forward with will be a lucky guy."

"I was thinking of you as I drove home."

"That sounds promising," he said, voice low.

"I came home, thought of you some more, took a shower and called you."

"In that order?" he teased in an even lower voice.

Realizing what it sounded like, she felt herself flushing. "Yes, in that order but it was a warm shower not a cold one."

"Women don't need cold showers if you get my drift."

She could just picture the lopsided grin. "Remind me again why I called you when I'm in my comfortable bed and could've just gone to sleep."

His laugh made her flush again. "You called me while we're both in bed because you were still thinking about me after your shower and you couldn't resist anymore."

"Ah yes, that's the reason," she chuckled softly. "Would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I would. Now go to sleep. I can hear those yawns you've been trying to hide and you're keeping me up."

Now it was her turn to outright laugh knowing he was flushing over his word choice. "Good night, Andy, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow it is, good night, Sharon."

[The End]