Chapter 2: DVD Rental

"Ah, here it is!" Dr. Cockroach picked a case off the shelf of a Modesto video store. "The Fly, 1958. The very epitome of 1950s horror!"

"Oh, please," Link said, rolling his eyes. "I think you mean Creature from the Black Lagoon. Now that's 1950s horror. The Gill-man, right? Goes to all the lengths he can to get the girl. Normally that's romantic, but he's a fish-dude, so it's totally scary."

B.O.B. scoffed. "You guys don't know what you're talking about," he said. "The Blob! Come on. 'Indescribable! Indestructible!' Is that a tagline or is that a tagline? They're both adjectives, they have most of the same sounds…"

Susan's voice piped up from Dr. Cockroach's homemade communicators. "Hey, guys? We sent you three on the shopping trip because it's practical, but if you can't make up your minds, we will come down there."

"Fine, fine," Link muttered. To the other two, he mouthed, "She's bluffing."

"No, I'm not bluffing," she said. "Not just come to town, physically enter the video store. And not just me, both of us. And you guys will have to pay for whatever monstrous damage we may inflict."

"Fine," Link snapped. "What do you want to see, Susan? Attack of the 50-Foot Woman, I suppose?"

"Ew, no. Please, lay off on the 1950s horror. How about a modern romantic comedy? What's your opinion, Insecto?"

"SCREECH."

There was a silence, then Susan said, "Uh, Link? We need a translation."

"Oh, right," Link said. "Uh, he said… he said he doesn't care what movie we get, but you can't call him Insecto, because that's my special nickname for him."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"That's what he said? Because he's shaking his head."

"I can't imagine why. That's what he said."

"He's looking pretty angry. If I were you, I'd tell everyone what he really said sometime before you get home… or before he gets mad enough to hunt you down."

"Fine," Link said. "He said he wants Godzilla vs. Mothra, but that was just such a silly idea I had to drop it…"

"Well, I guess I'm overruled on the no-50s-horror thing," Susan muttered.

"No, you're not. Mothra didn't come out 'til the '60s."

"Can't you at least get one good movie?" Susan begged.

"We'll get all five," Dr. Cockroach said. "It's not like we can't afford it."

"Good thinking, Doc," Link said. "Which one did you want, Susan?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "I haven't been keeping track… just check the new releases for something that looks girly."

Link shambled over to the back wall, where the new releases were kept. "I don't know, Susan," he said. "Those movies just seem kind of depressing. Maybe not to other people, but to us. Being monsters, we'll never be lucky in love, you know?"

"I beg to differ," B.O.B. said, hefting the lime Jell-O.

"Listen, B.O.B.," Link retorted. "You know we try to spare your feelings as much as we can, but we have a limit. That's not your girlfriend, okay? That's a dessert."

B.O.B. looked blankly at the Jell-O, then casually popped it into his mouth.

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Link returned from the bathroom. "Sorry 'bout that," he said. He hopped onto the couch and resumed Creature from the Black Lagoon.

"Hey, Link," Susan said, "do you think you could take the Gill-man?"

"What do you mean, take him?"

"You know, in a fight."

Link laughed. "Yeah, I could fight the Gill-man. I could whoop the Gill-man."

"How about Abe Sapien?" Susan asked. "Could you take him?"

"Totally," Link said. "There's not a single aquatic monster whose ass I can't kick."

"Oh really?" Susan challenged. "What about Clover?"

"Clover?" Link repeated. "Uh… well, I could take the little parasite-y things that fall off of Clover."

"And Clover himself?"

"Uh… well, I get the parasites and save Clover for Insecto."

"What if Insecto wasn't with you?"

"Uh…" Link stammered. "Well, uh… what's with all the what-ifs? I'm never gonna fight Clover! Come on, if we're going to do fights do something realistic. Let's have Insecto, all alone, against Godzilla, Mothra, and Gamera."

"All in bikinis," B.O.B. added.

"Uh, no," Link said. "But, anyway, I'd back Insecto in a fight with pretty much anybody. Anything smaller than a whale he can crush under his feet. He's taller than most kaiju monsters, so he could probably take any of them. That's why I keep him around. Well, that and he's my best buddy. But he is very good in a fight, seeing as most bad guys don't carry pretty lights."

In reaction to the "pretty lights" remark, Insectosaurus shot Link the closest thing to the finger he could manage with a two-fingered claw.

"What about you?" Link asked Susan. "Could you take… oh, King Kong?"

Susan laughed. "Kong? Please, he's half my size."

"Who could I take?" Dr. Cockroach asked eagerly.

"You, Doc?" Link said. "You could take the little guys from Gremlins. And not the scary ones, the cute fuzzy ones before you feed 'em after midnight. And not even the aggressive ones after you pour water on 'em. The original cute one that refuses food after midnight. Him you could take."

Dr. Cockroach threw his spoon at Link.