A/N: hey guys! :S This was a strangely difficult chapter for me to write, so I put it off for a while, but it's still a really quick update :P Thanks so much to my lovely reviewer TakeMeOrLeaveMe2010 (is that right? that's just from memory...). For some reason I have like 3 chapters from the middle of the story written, but I'm having a hard time actually going chronologically, so bear with me while I try to make my mind work in a linear fashion :D End author note.

I pulled at a loose thread on the hem of the only black dress I owned. It was too tight at the chest and the waist, and at least two inches too short. It had gotten me several disapproving looks today, but I was less concerned with that than the fact that I smelled sickeningly like moth balls.

I looked over at Lucy lying next to me. It was just like me to be thinking about my clothes when Lucy needed me to say something…say anything, really. But I only smoothed her hair against the pillow, watching her silent tears drip down her face. We'd been lying here for hours, me in silence, her crying unabashedly. I knew she must be reliving her memories over and over…memories of Daniel and the fresher, more painful memories of the day we'd just endured.

"He's really gone," she finally said, licking away a tear that had found its way to her upper lip. I sighed and wished that for once, I could be the kind of person who felt empathy. I hadn't been friends with Daniel; in fact, I hadn't been all that fond of him at all. The only way his absence affected me was the toll it was going to take on Lucy.

I fumbled for something to say to comfort her. Nothing that anyone had already told her was any good. All morning we had heard, "He gave his life for our county," and, "He's in a better place now." There was no comfort in those words for Lucy; they only made her cry more. What did she care about her country, or even Daniel's well-being? Right now she needed to be selfish. How dare he die and leave her here without him?

"He didn't want to leave you Lucy," I said, pulling her to me. "You deserved him. You weren't done with him…yet." I suppressed a hysterical giggle and wondered if my mental health was in trouble. First, I can't bring myself to cry along with my best friend, and now I'm laughing? I must be losing it.

Lucy buried her face in my shoulder and I felt uncomfortable as she gasped and sobbed against me. This wasn't like Lucy at all. She was so composed, so stoic. But suddenly, everything was finally coming out: the grief, the rage, the loneliness. I patted her back awkwardly and wondered what it was like to feel all of these things. As far as emotions went, I felt complacency most regularly, and occasionally got angry. I only ever felt really happy when he came around…

"I'm going to have to come home every day without him. I have to pass his house every afternoon and know he'll never be there again. I have to face his sister," she mumbled, more to herself than me. Neurons fired in my brain and I sat up as quickly as I could, dizzying myself with the sudden movement.

"Let's leave. Let's get away from here." I looked back at her and watched as she rubbed at the streaks the tears had left on her cheeks.

"I can't Ellie. Maybe you could, but…you know I can't. I can't leave school, or mom and dad, and Lizzy and -,"

"But Max! He's there in New York just waiting for us to pop up! You know he'd take us in the second he knew we needed him." Portraits of the details were already being painted in my mind. I could share Max's room, Max's bed even…and maybe that Brit was still hanging around. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I was ashamed of myself. Of course Lucy wouldn't stay with Jude….at least not yet.



"It'd be amazing, Ell, but I just can't. I'll just have to live with it, I guess." She sat up beside me and leaned on my shoulder, still soaked from her tears. "Thanks for helping me make it through my first funeral."

When I left that night, I packed my suitcase, knowing I'd need it. Maybe she wouldn't leave today, or tomorrow even, but one day she would be ready. And on that day, I'd be on my way to the city…to see Max.