Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters; they belong to Masashi Kishimoto. I don't get any money from this.

Warnings/ author's notes: Mentions of NaruSasuSaku, ChojiKarui, ShikaTema, SaiIno, NejiTen, KibaHina, and other pairings. Drunken and sober shenanigans.

Strategy No. 5: Make him jealous.

"You'll be back in two hours?" Ino asks quietly.

"Yes. Are you sure this isn't a bother?" Kurenai-sensei asks.

"Never a bother! I'm actually glad you didn't ask Shino or Kiba and Hinata this time. We haven't seen her all week." Ino says a little too brightly, "And here are some peonies. They were his favorite, weren't they?"

Kurenai nods briefly in thanks before leaving to her weekly pilgrimage to Asuma-sensei's grave; the weather is rainy out, so she won't risk getting Mirai sick. Mirai smiles up at Ino from her arms, making gurgling toddler noises. Choji thinks this is proof that Mirai is the cutest toddler is existence. Shikamaru seems to think this too because his face relaxes into one of his rare smiles. It's these moments that makes Choji glad to be part of Ino-Shika-Cho.

And then Sakura bursts into the flower shop sobbing and the moment is ruined.

"Ino! Ino, please you have to help me! They're fighting all the time and I'm just so sick of it and I don't know what to do!" (This moment makes Choji feel glad to be on Team 10, though he tries not to think these mean thoughts. Naruto and Sakura are dear friends, but continually dancing the masochism tango the way they do with Sasuke makes him very glad he is not a member of Team 7).

Shikamaru pulls out the tissues; Choji rubs Sakura on the back. Ino shifts Mirai to one arm, so she can give Sakura an awkward hug. Sakura and Ino have been friends so long that Sakura has become an honorary Ino. The comforting-after-Sasuke-and-Naruto-almost-kill-each-other ritual has been going on since they were all twelve, and they act their parts like an well-oiled machine.

Shikamaru furrows his forehead. In Shikamaru-speak, Choji knows this means, "This is a pain and I hate seeing her cry. Let's save them from their own stupid."

Ino slowly nods her head, ponytail swishing. In Ino-speak, this means, "Hell yes, but if you mess this up, I am holding you responsible."

Choji belches in affirmative. People may think that Team 10 is so good at unspoken communication because of Ino's telepathic abilities, but that's only half of it: Ino has mercilessly trained her boys in reading her moods and woe to any teammate that misreads one of the many variations of a raised eyebrow.

"Uchiha," Shikamaru calls out. Sasuke stops, turning around slowly. For some reason, out of all their graduating year besides his team, Shikamaru is one of the few Sasuke willingly acknowledges. (When Choji asks him why, Shikamaru just smirked and said something about getting drunk off of cheap sake and bemoaning the state of the village will be when Naruto finally becomes Hokage. Apparently, Naruto thinks ramen soup kitchens were a thing and will be trying to make that his first bill passed).

"Nara, Akimichi," is the terse reply. Choji blinks. Is the man who almost destroyed most of the shinobi world noticing his existence? This is bad, very bad. Choji does not like this.

"Have you heard about Naruto and Sakura? Who would have thought it? Then again, they have been in love with for over ten years now, right? It's about time for you to settle down with a nice girl, too, so you aren't the odd one out."

"Would have thought what, Nara?"

Shikamaru stretches lazily before meandering down the street, propelling a frozen Choji forward.

"Oh look at the time, Uchiha. I have to go."

"Would have thought what, Nara?! What do people think?"

The Uchiha's yells echo through the streets and a shiver runs down Choji's spine.

"You did good, Choji, really good. Now let's just keep moving. Slow and steady does it. I can't believe we let Ino talk us into this," mutters Shikamaru.

Though Ino and Shikamaru have told him not to, Choji cannot in good conscience let this happen without warning Sakura and Naruto. He is a good person, and over the years he has learned to think for himself. What he thinks is Sasuke is going to attack Sakura and Naruto in a fit of jealous rage, so Choji is going to be brave and brave potential homicidal Uchihas to tell them of the danger. If he dies, it will be for the future of the village and the life of the future Hokage. He finds Naruto and Sakura at Ichiraku Ramen talking quietly. He sneaks towards them.

"Psst, Sakura, Naruto, you need to be carefu—"

A blur of navy and chirping lightning slams into Naruto. Choji flinches thinking of the impending property damage, but then the two are torn apart as quickly as they came together.

Sakura is wearing her Scary Face that rivals Ino's. "Sasuke-kun, what do you think you're doing?" she chirps as she grabs him by the collar.

Sasuke does his typical shit-eating sneer before he leans down and kisses Sakura until she is as pink as her hair; his hands rubs small circles in the hollow of her back as she stands on her tip-toes, wrapping her fingers into his hair. When Naruto snarls and moves to pull them apart, Sasuke moves his lips from Sakura's and smashes them down Naruto's. Naruto takes this opportunity to try to move his hands down to Sasuke's ass, but Sasuke pulls away smirking. Sakura drops her hold on both of them, gaping at Sasuke. Naruto makes a similar face.

"Well if you have Sai as the best man, I guess I just get to join in for the threesome on the wedding night," he jeers before sauntering off. It is precisely four seconds before the screeches of "Bastard!" and "Shannaroo!" echo down the street. Sakura and Naruto are holding hands as they chase after Sasuke's shrinking behind. Choji moves to break up the oncoming fight before any innocent bystanders get hurt when someone grabs him.

"Are you honestly stupid enough to get involved with that?" Karui asks.

"Umm, umm no." Choji mumbles.

Karui raises an eyebrow.

"Do they have ramen in Kumo?" Choji blurts out. "Because we have ramen here and it's good. Yeah, it's good."

"So are you asking me to get ramen or not?" Karui asks, tilting her head.

"Ramen, yeah, with me. Sounds good." Choji agrees, sweating. (He knows she is going to say no, so he doesn't know why he asked in the first place).

"Why do you always look at me like I'm going to eat you, huh, lughead? Am I that scary?"

"No, no. Not scary—just pretty and badass and pretty!"

Karui looks like she wants to keep yelling at him for a second, but then she pushes her face into a smile and says yes. Choji is not sure why this happening, but he's glad that she chose not to end him. Maybe if he's still living at the end of the meal he'll ask her if she wants to try dango?

Status of Strategy No. 5: Failure. Shikamaru and Choji have come to the conclusion that Team 7 is a black hole that warps the rules that usually apply to sane relationships. Ino sighs that her best female friend is doomed to be in love with an asexual sociopath and orange-colored numbskull for the rest of her life without even the comfort of being in a polyamorous relationship with two of the hottest studs in Konoha.

xxxxx

Strategy No. 6: Ensure that there are no murderous brothers that could create an international incident if they don't approve of the match.

The entirety of Kunoichi's Lonely Heart Club (sans Naruto and Sakura because they are still chasing the recalcitrant Sasuke) is squeezed into Choji's kitchen. Tenten and Hinata are hunched over a picture book giggling. Apparently, baby Neji had been "the cutest" and Hinata's mother had regularly dressed him yukatas heavily embroidered with puppies of all things. Choji is glad that Shikamaru is not here because he would try to blackmail Neji with that information; Choji knows Neji is almost as smart as Shikamaru so that could only end in tears. The already happily paired-off Tenten and Hinata aside, the goal of this meeting is to locate, entrap, and seduce the target—the target being one Shikamaru Nara. Choji feels guilty for aiding and abetting in this scheme, but it is for Shikamaru's own good. (The previous day Shikamaru had finally broken his silence on the subject of his feelings for Temari. Basically, it boiled down to "I really like her, but as the Kazekage' s sister, she has a duty to Suna and not Konoha. Plus, while he isn't psychotic killing machine anymore, Gaara is scary as fuck when he's mad and I think he hates me enough when I'm not trying to bang his sister. The international implications if I tried to put a ring on it could be catastrophic").

"That is complete bullshit. Nara just doesn't have enough balls to commit. Inter-village relationships can totally work," Karui says, glancing at him sideways. Choji feels his face go warm.

"Yes, they can," Choji says, looking at her. (He has recently found out that though Karui will haul him out of bed at five to spar, she will take out for breakfast and let him order everything on the menu. It is true love. Plus, she is straightforward so she actually and vocally tells him when she is angry—unlike Ino who is passive-aggressive or Temari who simmers and then explodes.)

"Do you think I haven't told him that?" says a weary Temari. "I've tried mentioning getting a permanent diplomatic position in Konoha, but he keeps on freezing up. It's like he doesn't want to commit."

"Don't worry." These words come from an almost unnaturally perky Tenten. "I saw Gaara and Lee doing one of their silly challenges when Neji and I were sparring with Gai-sensei this morning. I may have mentioned that Shikamaru wanted to talk to him before he asked you out for real. Last thing I saw, Gaara was headed towards to Shikamaru's favorite nap spot."

"You what?" Choji spits out. Besides him, Ino gasps in horror.

"Well, it's not like anyone else was doing anything to move it forward, so I took the initiative. Besides, except for Temari, none of you guys have hung around Gaara as much I have because he and Lee have declared themselves Neji's eternal rivals. Well, it was mostly Lee doing the declaring doing the declaring, but Gaara's really cool. Trust me." Choji wonders if Might Gai's eternal enthusiasm has infected his most sensible student.

Temari tilts her head slowly to the side, saying "This can end either one or two ways, but we should probably stop it. Gaara won't hurt Shikamaru on purpose, but he can make him die of the awkward."

Walking to Shikamaru's apartment, Choji clutches to Ino's hand like when they were children and she was leading them on their next great adventure. "It will be okay, Choji, breathe," she commands. In his other hand, Choji clutches Karui's hand and feels slightly more reassured. (He's holding two pretty girls' hands; life is good. Or life would be good if were not for the fact Shikamaru's life is in imminent danger).

They find Gaara and Shikamaru sitting peacefully at a shogi board. The Kunoichi's Lonely Heart Club lets out a collective breath. Gaara blinks at them slowly.

"Would you like to join us for tea?" he says politely.

"What were you talking about, Gaaara? You have the look on your face like you've been plotting something," Temari demands.

"Woman, give the man a break. You've only been here less than a minute and you're already ragging on him," Shikamaru drawls.

"Excuse me, just who are you calling woman?" Temari annunciates slowly. Shikamaru closes him eyes and yawns very deliberately.

"You know if you stopped opening and closing your mouth so much I could actually get around to proposing. What a drag…"

(Gaara looks slightly exasperated at this; Choji knows the feeling. Sometimes Shikamaru's general apathy towards life can be slightly irritating. It takes a lot to peel away the layers of boredom and laziness to meet the steadfast and clever friend underneath).

"Let me get this correct, Nara. Did you or did you not just call me woman and say proposing to me was a drag?"

"Both."

Temari snarls and lunges.

All onlookers back away slowly. Gaara creates a platform of sand for all innocents to escape the blast radius. After years of the usually stoic Temari protecting others from her homicidal little brother, the now-sane Gaara can return the favor and protect others from enraged Temari. He will not bother with Shikamaru though—honestly, the boy has it coming. Who spends three hours asking for a blessing to propose to his sister only to ruin it by complaining that proposing to her was too much effort? Gaara does not even try to understand romance. He justs hopes Shikamaru survives long enough for Gaara to plan the wedding he has been dreaming of. Gaara loves weddings and will have nothing but the best for his blood.

Status of Strategy No.6 : Ensuring there are no murderous brothers to deal with is not a problem when you have murderous brides-to-be to deal with. Indeed, it turns out that Gaara and Shikamaru have been meeting for quite some time to come up with the perfect way for Shikamaru to propose to Temari. Gaara, a closet romantic at heart, was all for having all Suna shinobi choreograph their wind jutsus just-so so that "Marry me, Temari" would be written in clouds in the sky. Although he is very fond of clouds, Shikamaru decided being more straight-forward was more in-line with his and Temari's personalities. Plus, he knows from a lifetime of watching his parents that making up after the fight is just as sweet as the fight itself (though he admits he should tell Temari when he says it to her "troublesome and "what a drag" are more of endearments). He looks forward to lifetime of being nagged by and bickering with Temari (and the make-up sex sounds good, too).

xxxxx

Strategy No. 7: Just ask the girl out on a real date already.

"What if on the way back we run into a storm? The storm will force us to seek cover, and if we are in the middle of woods, no one will be able to help us. Karui looks a little under the weather. What if she catches a cold and dies?!" says Omoi.

Karui has been in Konoha for the last year on a diplomatic mission for the Fourth Raikage. Now, the year is up, and she is about to return to Cloud accompanied by her old teammates Samui and Omoi. Ino had thought it would be a good idea for Karui and her friends to have a farewell lunch with Team 10 (and Sai). In terms of Ino's plans, Choji admits that she has had worse ones, but he doesn't really feel like eating. There is a pit in the bottom of his stomach.

"It is unlikely that she would die. My guidebooks say that with those weather patterns storms are unlikely this time of year. Besides, if she gets too cold, she and Omoi can huddle together naked for warmth. It's a good survival technique," Sai adds helpfully, patting Choji on the back (Choji admits he has found Sai more tolerable now that he and Shikmaru have realized Sai is completely oblivious to Ino's attempts to seduce him, but times like these make Choji want to smack him on the back of the head).

Shikamaru sighs, and Ino places her head in her hands.

Omoi looks speculative. "Huddle together naked for warmth? But what if….she's too flat-chested and skinny for that to work anyway."

Karui's eye twitches. "What were you saying?!"

Samui stands up and looks as if she is about to intervene, but Choji beats her too the punch.

"Don't listen to him! I think your boobs are beautiful; I mean not that I've seen them…or thought about them! So how about getting dinner some time alone…without your teammates or my teammates?" he stutters out. Shikamaru has been helping him practice so he could finally make his move before Karui left.

And now he has screwed up—royally.

"So you're asking me out on a date?"

Choji opens his mouth but no sounds come out. Thankfully, Shikamaru and Ino take the reigns.

"What Choji means is that he really likes you and wants to take you out once on an actual date before you leave. And after that, he wants to marry you—" Ino gushes.

Shikamaru stops Ino's plotting with his scheme. "Just like her to get ahead of herself when it comes to weddings. She's been even more troublesome than Gaara about the flower arrangements for Temari's and mine. What she means is that there is a picnic basket on top of the Hokage Mountain. Here are some flowers that we picked out for Choji to give to you."

Shikamaru pauses before smirking. "Be nice to him or else."

Karui meets his gaze levelly. "Well if it's a date with two people, then what are you all still doing here?"

Ino squeals and moves to drag a smug Shikamaru and confused Sai out of the restaurant.

Omoi tilts his head at Choji before asking, "Be careful. If you have a picnic on top of the Hokage Mountain, you may knock over a boulder and that may start another boulder and crush the village. Also, it still looks like its going to storm and if Karui gets sick, then—"

Samui sighs and drags off her teammate. Karui and Choji are now alone. On a date. This is happening.

"So are we going to finish off everyone else's food before we get started on the picnic?" Karui asks.

Choji's eyes widen and he nods vigorously. Yes, this is the one and the future mother of his children. Any child they have will be as fierce as Karui and as appreciative of food as the both of them.

Status of Strategy No. 7: Success. Simply put, asking a girl out does work, especially if the girl was just about to ask you out. Also, having a genius teammate that can manipulate any situation to your advantage can help. Also, having an Ino that can make things happen just from sheer willpower can also help. Choji is very happy with this. He loves his team; he thinks he will be happy loving Karui for the rest of his life. After all, despite of the scheming, when it comes down to it, love is simple. It's just people not seeing things clearly that complicates things. Once you get out and say it, love is beautiful and blossoms like one of Ino's flowers—full of life and fragrant as spring. Choji is looking forward to sitting back and smelling the scents for the rest of his life. All around him is a meadow of other couples and others loves poking up through the fresh dirt. He looks forward to being able to lie down on the hillside like he and Ino and Shikamaru did when they were kids and watching it grow around them as he watches the clouds drift by.

xxx

Once Ino's steps to seductions actually succeed in seducing Sai, the Kunoichi's Lonely Heart Club is disbanded. A perpetual organizer, Ino makes a motion to start a new, better club: the Kunoichi's (Men Also Allowed) Club for Enjoying Life and Love. Meetings are held whenever Ino feels like it and club dues go to weekly potluck dinners and funding repairs at the local orphanage Ino and Naruto volunteer at (Shikamaru cringes at the ideas that the two blondes will come up with. They will inevitably come to him to get the ideas to function in real-life. He dreads the day Naruto is finally Hokage and Ino his assistant.)

Omake 1:

Hinata and Mirai-sensei are sitting at the table playing with Neji's hair. Neji has his long-suffering face on; in Hinata's defense, however, Neji is allowing this not because of his duty to her as her cousin but because a heavily pregnant Tenten asked him. Still, he cannot bring himself to smile. Lee will undoubtedly start one of his rants about happiness and youth if he does. Hinata plops Mirai in Neji's lap and pulls his hair up into two buns. (While Neji admits that the buns are adorable on Tenten, he is a man, dammnit, and he looks ridiculous). When Kiba enters the rooms and says "Hey, bro, I got to say I'm loving this new look," Neji decides enough is enough.

He activates the Byakugan. The punk who is plotting to defile Hinata-sama promptly flees.

"Neji, I thought you promised not to do that any more. Fighting or threatening people does not solve every situa—"

Neji puts his prodigy brain to work and cuts off Tenten with a chaste peck. Tenten's eyes narrow. Neji decides it is time for some hasty bullshitting.

"I just wanted to see how Hizashi-kun was doing in your stomach. He's sucking his thumb," he murmurs into her ear.

Tenten softens. Hinata gasps and clutches her hands to heart. "Neji-niisan."

He smiles. Hinata has been a constant help to him and Tenten during her pregnancy and has promised him that the cursed seal will never again mark the heads of the Branch family. She is currently working with Tsunade-sama and Hizashi-sama to come up with a way to reverse the seals that are already present on living members of the Branch family. Neji has absolute faith in her ability to fix things.

Then, as per usual, Lee bursts out into a soliloquy:

"My eternal rival and comrade Tenten together and making a future generation of youth and hope! If only..."

Akamaru begins to howl, cutting Lee's spiel short. Neji admits without reservation that he likes that punk's dog better than the punk. Well, at least there is some good out of Hinata dating Kiba. The future Hizashi will have an entire pack of puppies to play with. Hiashi-sama never let Neji have a puppy.

Omake 2:

"Are you deaf as well as stupid? I love you, dobe," Sasuke says.

"WHAT?! SASUKE-TEME, YOU DON'T FUCKING JOKE ABOUT THAT!" Naruto slurs.

"Sasuke-kun, you shouldn't say that so sarcastically if you want Naruto to take you seriously," Sakura advises, placing her hands on the boys shoulders.

"You believed it when I said it to you," Sasuke says sulkily.

"Yes, but if you confessed to me like you just did to Naruto, you'd be unconscious right now," Sakura says sweetly.

"YOU TOLD SAKURA I LOVE YOU BEFORE I DID?! YOU ASSHOLE!" Naruto tackles Sasuke, ramming him through the apartment wall and into the bustling street below…again. They are both still naked.

Sakura sighs and pulls on her robe before going to break it up... or maybe join in to smack the back of their heads for being so stupid. Honestly, she doesn't know how she fell in love with these two idiots. Sakura notes to forbid sake from the apartment. Drunk Sasuke and Naruto don't mix. Come to think of it, she's rather tipsy herself; join in on the fight it is then. Who says it's just boys who will be boys? Sakura is a girl and she can brawl with the best of them.