ZODIAC
fireflew
CHAPTER TWO
Not surprisingly, her best friend is the first one in the room, most likely because her onii-san is one of Mikan's doctors, and in times of crisis like these Hotaru is not afraid to pull some strings. Mikan realises that the only times Hotaru has ever worked hard to gain favors from her brother has always been for Mikan. Her best friend forever, who she could never bear parting from, has always been strong, much stronger than Mikan, much stronger than Mikan can even imagine.
And yet at the sight of Mikan, Hotaru's face crumples. Slowly, surely.
"Mikan,"
"Hotaru-" they say it at the same time, and Mikan laughs. Hotaru allows a wan smile to slip through her tears.
There are tears sliding down both their cheeks as they hug. Tears of love, joy, nostalgia, happiness, sadness, desperation; tears of apologies; tears of a farewell given too late, tears of an ending coming too soon.
There are no words for a few long minutes, minutes that Mikan allows herself to comforted by. Hotaru's love is quiet, one she has learned to take for granted because Hotaru is generous, too generous in ways Mikan knows to look for.
Slowly each girl pulls back, and Mikan watches Hotaru search her face: keen violet eyes running past her pale face, disheveled hair still pulled into pigtails, tired eyes, wan smile, the purple blooming underneath her eyes that almost matches the hue of Hotaru's eyes. "Take a picture, it'll last longer," Mikan teases, because she is scared of the look on Hotaru's face: scared that her best friend will collapse in on itself, brows furrowed, hands shaking, lip quivering ever so slightly.
"Noted," Hotaru replies, her voice still trembling under the weight of the situation. She pulls out the camera she has always in her sleeve, but instead of snapping a picture of Mikan, turns the camera so it's facing both of them.
Mikan smiles for real as the click goes off. The picture comes out in a later second, and Mikan grabs it eagerly. "Hotaru! This is the first time you've taken a picture with me - Hotaru! You look so cute!"
And despite herself, she begins to tear up again. Because the truth is Mikan doesn't look cute at all: she looks sick. She's pale and thin and her eyes are sunken in, looking comical, too large in her thinning face. Her cheekbones are prominent, like her skin has stretched tight over the bones and now they jut out, sharp, like they don't belong. Her mouth is not the red of her youth, but a pale, dusty color that she wishes she could call pink. Purple grows underneath her bright eyes filled with tears, like some sick sort of fashion choice.
And Hotaru, her darling Hotaru. Hotaru, strong as a horse and healthier, looks like she hasn't been eating, and sleeping less than that. Still she is beautiful, alive, glowing with health as she battles the shadows in her face with a smile. Mikan does not cry because she is jealous. Mikan cries because she is the reason Hotaru looks sick. She cries because she is the reason Hotaru looks like Mikan.
But most of all Mikan cries because it's their first time taking their picture together. Their first "selfie," and what may very well be their last. She wishes she would look better. She wishes they could have taken some when she was healthier, prettier. She wishes she didn't look near death, like she does now.
How many firsts will she be missing out on when she leaves?
She feels pressure on her hands and realises that Hotaru has grabbed them, with the desperation that only death can induce. Oh, the irony. "Mikan," Hotaru is crying, sobbing, screaming. "Mikan. Please don't leave. Please don't go. Don't go. I can find a cure, soon, really really soon. Give me six months- no, five," Hotaru is shuddering, and Mikan grows a little colder, berating herself.
You're not the only one suffering. Force a smile, for your best, dearest, oldest, friend, Mikan.
But she can't. She can't fake anything, not with Hotaru, who she has loved and been loved by her whole life like a second sister.
"I don't want to go," she whispers, to Hotaru, dropping tears that wink at her so infuriatingly, so maddening, that she wants to SCREAM. "I don't want to go and leave everyone when there is so much I haven't done, Hotaru, so much, that I'll be leaving here, and it's so painful, Hotaru, it's so painful to know that everyone around has so much life. So much time for dreams and second chances. I don't want to go."
Somehow Mikan realises that now it is not Hotaru clutching Mikan's hand, but the other way around. "I don't want to go," Mikan whimpers now, her thin body racking with sobs.
"I don't know what I'll do without you," Hotaru cries back. They sit together for the remainder of the visit, holding each other, one dwelling in the pain and sadness of leaving those she loves, the other committing the moment to memory, every single heartbreaking detail.
