Disclaimer: Not mine, of course!
A/N: Serious confidence issues with this chapter, but I think it worked out okay.
Thanks to Kristen for beta-ing this for me, thus making me believe the last part of the above statement!
February
Percy sat opposite me, sipping tea. Lots of milk, no sugar.
'Tell me more about your family, Percy. I always wanted lots of siblings. It was only me and my mum growing up. Not much of a childhood, is it?'
'It doesn't sound so bad. I never got on well with my family when I was younger. I like organisation and rules and there was none of that when I was growing up. There were seven of us kids, there was only enough room to make sure that we all grew up well and didn't curse each other every opportunity. We all went to boarding school when we were eleven, and left at seventeen.'
Curse? I thought, what an odd phrase. I didn't say anything about it though. 'It must have been horrible, being away from home and your parents and other siblings!'
He looked sad for a moment. 'Being away from them was awful, but I don't think I realised how awful until I got them back again.'
I got the feeling that he wasn't talking about going to school anymore. I wanted to help him, I wanted to know what had happened, but he didn't want to share it with me. Not yet at least. He peered up at me through his eyelashes, and I suddenly thought how wasted those were on a man. I hoped his sister had the same ones.
'Did I tell you about my nieces? And my nephews?'
'How was Dominique's birthday? I think it was hers, anyway, you told me it was last week.'
The conversation soon turned light and happy again, and I felt lighter, too, than I had in years.
---
'Ray?'
'Yes?'
'I - I'm scared.'
Ray snapped her head up to look at me from where she sat on the floor. She turned and crawled onto the sofa beside me. I wondered how she had managed to find a boyfriend who didn't mind her spending her evenings with me. Not every evening, once or twice a week, and she'd leave at eleven. Then I'd be all on my own again. But that wasn't what I was afraid of anymore.
'Of what, Audrey?'
I buried my face in her shoulder and sobbed dry, heaving sobs. There were no tears, but then, I hadn't cried tears for three years. 'Of Percy.'
She pulled back and looked into my red face. She looked cross. 'What has he done to you? If it's anything, I swear I'll -'
'No! No!' I couldn't help but smile, imagining Percy hurting me. He was such a kind hearted soul, I couldn't even picture him harming me. 'He's lovely.'
She looked confused. 'Then what?'
'Ray, I'm not sure … I can't…' I bit my lip sadly and sighed. 'I don't know how to do this. I've never really had to do the dating thing before. I don't know how fast things should be going. And I don't know how to give myself to him, when I feel so guilty.'
'Oh, Audrey! You've nothing to be guilty about!'
'But…Jasper. It's too soon, isn't it?' I didn't know whether I was asking to be told I was right, or to be told I was wrong.
'Three years, Audrey. It's been three years. It's not too soon. Jazz would hate that you've spent these years like this. You've been sad and alone for far too long. We've been worried about you for too long. Does he make you happy?'
I thought about it. I thought about the time I'd spent with him. It'd been nearly two months. Two months of fear and anxiousness, but also of anticipation and excitement and laughter. I hadn't really given him a chance to make me truly happy yet. 'I think he could if I let him. He's so lovely, and kind. And intelligent. He's always talking about something or another. He's more talkative than he looks. It's nice, being with him. I really enjoy it.'
I looked over at Ray. She looked smug. 'I think it sounds like he already makes you happy. Maybe you should speak to him about it.'
I should speak to Percy about it. I'd been putting it off, but it seemed inevitable now. It was a barrier I wanted to knock down. I wanted to let him close to me. I wanted him to know me. I didn't want it to be over because of my fear.
---
I heard the door click as it opened, then again as it shut. The air from outside was cold, but that was to be expected. I peered over the desk expectantly. I hoped it was Percy. It had been a few days since I had seen him, and I amazed myself by eagerly anticipating him arrival.
He shook his wet, red hair and rearranged his glasses, though they were still askew. I smiled. I don't know why. There was no special reason. I just did. Just like that, he made me smile.
'Percy!' I called happily. He looked over, breaking into a shy smile. He walked the few steps over to the desk.
'Hullo.'
I glanced quickly around the shop. It was empty and nearing five o'clock. I didn't think I'd be getting any more customers this evening. 'Want to come upstairs?'
'T-to your flat?' He was blushing, and I wondered if it was too soon. It was too late to go back. I wanted to talk to him about things I didn't want to discuss in my shop, or a restaurant, or the coffee shop we sometimes went to. I nodded and grasped his hand. He was cold. He always seemed to have cold hands.
'Want some tea?' I asked as he settled himself on the sofa, long limbs stretching out awkwardly and he removed his coat and scarf.
'Yes please. No sugars, lots of milk.'
I knew already how he took his tea, I thought to myself as I made it. I really hadn't known him long enough to feel as close to him as I did. I shouldn't feel so close to him, should I?
I placed the two mugs on the small coffee table to the side of him, moving to sit by him. I didn't sit too close. I linked our hands again. He suddenly seemed to relax, turning towards me a little, with a look of confusion on his face. 'Are you okay, Audrey?'
'No. Well, yes, I suppose I am. I just wanted to be able to talk properly.'
He cocked his head slightly. 'I thought we spoke rather a lot…'
'Oh, we do. But, I just wanted to be able to talk to you without other people being around. It's nice, isn't it? Being alone sometimes? You can't really talk properly, I find, worrying about strangers thinking you're odd.'
'You didn't seem to have a problem with me thinking you were odd when I was a stranger?' He said with a smile. 'I remember conversation was surprisingly easy.'
'I don't think you were ever a stranger, Percy. First you were a man who liked books, and then you were a man who was my friend, then…' I blushed. 'Well, now you're the man who I like more than I thought I could again.'
'Again?'
I looked down at our hands, clasped between us. We were joined, and yet apart. This was it. Bridging the gap. No secrets, not on my side.
'I was married.'
He looked surprised. Shocked, actually. Something was hidden in his blue eyes, something more than usual. His eyes always seemed to be holding some more of himself that I didn't quite know yet. He wouldn't let me know him, just like I wouldn't really let him know me. 'You're divorced?'
'Not quite.' I took a deep breath, not taking my eyes from him, feeling his gaze caress me. I wanted to cower away, because I wasn't sure that anyone had ever looked at me the way he was looking at me then. Not even Jasper. Percy's eyes had an intensity and affection that made me want to cry. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to shut my heart away again. I wanted to push him away and curl up and cry and cry, like I hadn't done for so long. I didn't. Ray and Cassie would have killed me, and I don't think I could have lived with myself knowing that I was the one to push Percy away. My words left a horrible, sour taste in my mouth as I said them. 'I'm a widow. I had been married for three years, and three years ago, I - I lost -'
'What was his name?' Percy asked, moving a little closer to me. His whole face was pale, sadness etched onto his face like it belonged there.
'Jasper. He was my best friend. I don't think I ever went through the process of falling in love with him. One minute, I just couldn't imagine not being with him, and when he asked me to marry him, I said yes. I know we were so young, but I miss him.'
Percy sat in silence and looked at me, his head still cocked to the side. 'Audrey,' he finally said, his voice deathly quiet. There were tears in his eyes, and my own. 'I don't know what to say to you, only that it gets easier, the hurt. It doesn't go away, but it gets easier.'
'Who…?'
'My brother, Fred. Eight years ago. There was,' he looked like he was contemplating what to say, or that he was trying not to cry, 'a whole big mess.'
He disintegrated into tears after that. All I could gather was that Fred was George's twin. He looked sadly at me and, untangling our fingers, pulled me closer to him. I realised then that I was crying too. Tears that I hadn't let myself cry for three years were racing in torrents down my face. I threw myself at him, burying my face in his chest, his arms locking around me. 'It's easier, when I'm with you. It's easier.'
Hours, or minutes later (I wasn't sure) he pulled back and looked down at my face. Fingertips brushed my cheek, and lips bruised my own with force I'd not witness from him before. Whispering, I forced out, 'I don't want to be your whole heart, Percy. Just your favourite part.'
Kisses melted into one another, my hair was pulled from its bun, and I suddenly wasn't thinking of anything but Percy.
---
My eyes flickered open and I yawned softly. I was lying on the naked chest of Percy, as naked as him myself. I bit my lip to stop from grinning and snuggled closer to him. I couldn't remember feeling this happy or content. I unwrapped his arm from around my waist and kissed him. A smile spread across his own lips. I swung my legs out of bed, pulling on some knickers and the over-sized shirt I usually slept in, and slipped out into the next room.
'So I see you had fun last night.'
I squealed and jumped a mile. Cassie had her arms crossed in front of her, and Ray looked like all her birthdays had come at once. 'Ray, give me your key, then both of you can go away.'
'Aha! So you did have company!'
'Of course she did, Ray, she's wearing her sexy knickers.'
I pulled my shirt down a little and glared at them. 'Why are you here so early? Please go away.'
'Early? Princess Audrey, it's twelve o'clock, Saturday afternoon!' Ray exclaimed, looking at me with bemusement. 'We thought we'd better come when we rang several times and got no answer!' I gasped. I considered it for a minute. The shop wouldn't be open. It took very little time for me to decide that, for once, I didn't care.
'Go away please. I just came to get some orange juice, and then I'm going back to bed.'
They smirked, and sauntered down the stairs. I stood still and waited until I'd heard the downstairs door click. Percy padded sleepily into the room behind me, his hair ruffled and clad only in boxers. I resisted the urge to giggle. He was more slender than the men I had used to prefer, and more pale. Somehow it didn't matter anymore. I fed my arms around his waist.
'You wonderful woman,' he muttered. 'When I meet these friends properly, I'm afraid I'll have to like them a little less for getting you out of bed this morning.'
I laughed as he took my hand and pulled me back through to my bedroom. 'I was coming back to bed anyway.'
