"No."

"Oh come on," Darwin pleaded, his eyes wide and endearing. "I'll work really hard!"

"To destroy your brother?"

"To help you," Darwin corrected. "We're buddies!"

It was ironically scary how Darwin had snuck in, as if he was a ninja. He would make a truly terrifying villain if cuteness could be weaponised.

"We're enemies," Rob said tersely, tucking some villain CV's into one of the desk's drawers. "Seriously, why are you here?"

Darwin sighed. "Ok, listen. Our family has been buying milk on a 12 month payment plan. We really need any money we can get."

Rob was unsure where to look. But he wasn't going to be guilted into this.

"Just… go," he said, staunchly. "It's not happening."

Eyes downcast and welling with tears, Darwin shuffled out.

Right, Rob fumed angrily, his eye reddening with reactive tears. As soon as I'm done with Gumball, Darwin is next.


"Yesss, I'll help you with your anthropomorphic cat problem," Hannibal drawled. "I'm sure he will go down nicely."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just to clarify, you don't mind what happens to the body, correct?" He flashed a veery suspicious, toothy smile.

"Are… are you going to eat Gumball?" Rob asked, fearing the answer.

"I'm looking forward to it. Felino Azul, a dish I've yet to try. Perhaps paired with a nice chianti?" His grin widened. "So, do we have a deal?"

"Listen, I'll give you ten bucks NOT to come anywhere near us," Rob said.

Hannibal scowled and left, while Rob made a mental note to ensure his address wasn't anywhere publicly accessible.

Man, there were some really disturbing villains out there.


"I would love to help you, boy," the woman drawled. She flicked her white fur scarf over her shoulder with a flourish.

"I've been looking for a lovely blue overcoat for ages. I've seen pictures of this annoying blue kitten and his beautiful, soft teal/navy fur. I must have it."

"Ok, Cruella," Rob said. "Good news: that's the second-most disturbing implication I've heard today. Bad news: I'm only looking for a standard destroying. It's a no from me."

Cruella huffed angrily but said nothing, picking up her little handbag and exiting the room, while Rob tried not to think about wearing a Gumball-Skin scarf.


"So, Larry, why are you interested in this job?" the glitch-riddled cyclops asked.

Larry straightened his hat, chuckling politely. "Well, of course, for the simple reason that I do all the menial odd jobs around here. Why go external when you can go local, right?"

"Ok, first of all, destroying Gumball Watterson and everything he loves is not a menial odd job," Rob seethed, before taking a breath to compose himself. "Second, I'm not sure if you're evil enough to go through with this."

Larry raised an eyebrow and grinned smugly. "Oh yeah?" he wrote something on a piece of paper and slid it across the desk. "Here's how much I charge for maths tuition."

Rob picked up the piece of paper tentatively, then peered at the number on it. Then almost fell out of his chair. "Holy Polygon that's a lot of money."

Coughing as he stood again and composed himself, Rob "Listen, Larry, I think I'm going to go for someone a little more conventionally evil. But hey, I'll call you if I need any help with maths."

Then he looked down at the figure again, the number that was still far too long. "Or not."


"NO."

"Oh, come on, sen-yór," the latest fishy candidate pleaded. "I may not haff any credentials, but I can eliminate zis 'Gumball Watterson' easily."

Rob sighed and rubbed his forehead sorely. "Darwin, your fake mustache is slipping off."

"Oh!" The fish's incredibly poor and mixed-up fake accent slipped for his exclamation, and he whipped a fin to his upper lip to fix the single element of his disguise. "I mean, och, I don't know who zis 'Darwin Watterson' person is."

"I didn't say 'Watterson.'"

"Yesh you did."

"I WILL…" Rob gritted his teeth and, with great restraint, unclenched his instinctively formed fist, before continuing slowly. "I will… give you $5 if you just go."

"No no no no, mon-sword," Darwin said, shaking his head. "I'd feel bad just taking your money! Let me kill my broth- my target a little bit, at least?"

"Ok, ok, you know what, come back in a month," Rob suggested as a compromise, hoping the bright-eyed helpful would forget by then, or that he could fill the position by then, or he could skip town and change his name. "And dude, it's 'monsieur', can you work on a single accent, please?."

"We can't afford language tapes," Darwin said, crestfallen.

"Get out of here!" Rob shouted reactively, a tear unintentionally welling up in his eye again despite himself.

God, he hated the Wattersons.


The final applicant of the day heaved his bulky frame through the door. The strong smell of deodorant hit Rob's nostrils, followed by a slight hint of sweat that the deodorant failed to mask. The man must have been in his thirties, and he had stubbly facial hair that looked more like a consequence of laziness than design choice.

But hey, Rob wasn't going to judge on appearances.

"So, I see you go by… 'TimmSunBetweenFriends'," Rob said, carefully reading the given username in the man's application. The name was a reference to the main characters Sun and Timmy from the show 'Sun vs the Porsches of Evil. "I guess you don't want those two together," he laughed, in an attempt to be informal.

Though the man shifted a bit uneasily in his seat. "Yeah, that's what the username means. Just call me Bob."

Rob decided to change the subject. "Alright, Bob. So, what's your plan for helping me destroy Gumball?"

"Ok, here's the plan," Bob said, leaning forward intently. "I publish a ton of badly written stories about Gumball's life, besmirching his name and reputation. When he eventually finds out, he'll kill himself! I call it: enemyfiction."

Rob just covered his eye with both hands. "Unbelievable," he muttered. "I get the weirdest freaking candidates."

"I think I'll write a story where Penny cheats on Gumball. Or would Gumball cheating on Penny work better?" the man pondered, having not caught Rob's comments.

"What on earth makes you think it'll have such an impact?"

Bob let out a small chuckle. "I see you aren't acquainted with my work. Listen, I am an unparalleled genius. I can inspire any feeling in my readers that I so choose, what with my masterful craftsmanship with… words."

"Uh huh."

"Oh, and afterwards I can write a story about Gumball's suicide!" The man said excitedly.

"And how does that help?" Rob asked irately.

Bob shrugged as he tap-typed the idea down on his iPad. "It should get me a review or two."

"Well thank you, Bob, but I don't need anyone writing stories. Already got a guy for that."

"How dare you reject my obvious brilliance!" Bob seethed, as he suddenly stood and rose to full height. He turned haughtily and stormed away, but before leaving, pointed a threatening finger at the young employer. "Just for this, I'm going to… to…!"

Rob braced. Was it going to be physical threat? He suddenly realised he hadn't considered escape routes or his own safety during the hiring process. Still he hoped he could outrun Bob, if it came to it. Rob braced for the worst.

"I'll write a fic shipping you and Gumball!"

"Oh, no no no no no," Rob recoiled in horror.

"Yeah, yeah," Bob nodded as the ideas forming in his head. The deranged look in the guy's eyes showed Rob that he was serious. "Here's the scene: you're about to finish him off when you catch a glimpse of his eyes, that have a shine you never noticed before, and you notice his cute little whiskers, and you find yourself-"

"Enough!" Rob shouted desperately. He sighed. There was nothing he could do about the figurative gun Bob was holding to his head. He only had one option.

"Fine. I'll give you $5 if you don't write your… story."

Bob's expression instantly changed. "Oh, ok, sure."

Rob fished the remainder of his budget out of his pocket and dropped it, scowling, into Bob's hand.

He stared at it for a second, as if he'd never seen money before. "Wow, this is the first time I've been paid for my writing," he said.

"It's to stop you from writing."

"Money's money."

God, he hated writers.


Imagine if Rob found out GumRob was already a thing.

Until next time!