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DEAN:

"Hey," says my brother as I walk into his diner with Gideon.

"Hey," I say with a smile as I walk up to the counter. "What's up?"

"Nothing," says Richard, "the lunch rush just ended. What brought you in here today?"

"I just wanted to bring Gideon to visit his uncle," I say with a smile as I take him out of the car seat.

"Let me see him," he says taking Gideon from me and holding him in his arms. "Damn, Dean you look like shit."

"It was a really long night last night," I say. "Gideon was having some trouble sleeping. It was one of those nights where he just keeps crying. Az says he has them at least 4 times a week. No matter what I did he didn't stop crying. He was changed, fed and held yet he wouldn't stop crying."

"Cause the poor baby is addicted," he says as he holds him in his arms and Gideon looks up at him with his blue eyes. "Did you take him to the hospital?"

"No," I say, "he settled down eventually. I hate when they give him that shot. I just want his addiction to be over."

"It can take a while," he says, "so how is Azzy doing?"

"Pretty good," I say taking a seat on one of the stools. "She looks like she's doing very well. Her apartment is awesome. She has this amazing bedroom for Gideon and tons of toys. He's well taken care of."

"Considering she could barely take care of herself," says Richard, "I'm surprised she can handle being a mom."

"She's a really good mom," I say, "I'm actually surprised by how well she's doing with him."

"Me too," he says, "so is she still sober?"

"Yes she is," I say, "she's doing great."

"That's good. I have to commend her for that. I'm glad she is making an effort for her son and she's still going to college?"

"Yes," I say, "and she's in counseling and in group. She's changing I'm happy for her. I just want to see her better herself for Gideon. She is amazing with him."

"Good," he says. "Mom still hate her?"

"Azzy is the devil when it comes to Mom. She wants me to take Gideon from her."

"Are you going to?" he asks.

"Of course not, I have no reason to take him from her. He is well taken care of and she's sober. I have no reason to take him from her that would be like what Cassie did to me. The way she took McKenna from me because she didn't trust that I had changed. I would never do that to Azzy if she gave me a reason to do it then yeah but Gideon is doing just fine in her care. We're working well together. She gave him to me for Thanksgiving."

"Wow," he says, "that's impressive. What is she doing for Thanksgiving?"

"I don't know. She said she's working and then having Chinese food," I say, "I almost want to invite her to Mom's house but I can't because Mom does not want her in her house at all. I mean I don't blame her. She did her wrong by stealing from her but Azzy is changing. Mom should give her a chance."

"She hurt a lot of people, Dean, she has to make amends with them."

"I know," I say, "but how can she make amends if Mom won't even talk to her? She's so scared that Azzy is going to start using again and endanger Gideon but I have seen her with him she loves him so much. She's a good mom."

"Well, that's good. I had my doubts about her. She's not exactly on the top of my list of people I trust but I'm glad she's making an effort. I would really like to see her become something you know what I mean?"

"Me too," I say as one of the waitresses come over to see the baby.

"Is that Azzy's baby?" she asks.

"Yes," says Richard, "he's my nephew isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen?"

"He's adorable," she says with a smile as she talks to Gideon making me smile. "He is Azzy's twin."

"Tell me about it," I say as she looks up at me. "The only things he got from me are those beautiful eyes and those cute little dimples."

"He is cute," she says. "What's his name?"

"Gideon," I say with a smile.

"That's different."

"Azzy is different and I believe it's a biblical name too," I say. "She mentioned it and I liked the way it sounded."

"It's cute," she says, "is Azzy doing okay?"

"She's getting there. She just moved into her own apartment so she's out on her own right now. She has a long road ahead of her," I say, "but hopefully she stays on the right path."

"I hope so," she says. "I just want to see her do well for herself and the baby. Can I hold him?"

"Sure," I say, "Richard, you gotta give him up," I say with a smile.

"All right," he says with disappointment before he hands Gideon to the waitress. "So what's up with you any new women in your life?"

"No," I say with a small chuckle. "After Azzy I think I need a break from women altogether. I'm focusing on my career and my son. I don't need all that romance right now."

"That's good," he says with a smile. "You still have feelings for Azzy don't you?"

"I plead the 5th," I say with a smile.

"You do I can see it all over your face. Honestly, if she could get herself together I think you two might actually be okay together. I mean before she got into drugs again you two seemed to be doing all right. You moved a little fast but you two seemed all right. If you two do end up together I would suggest taking it slower this time no sleeping with each other on the first date or having late night rendezvous that make her late for work every day and no more babies for a long time."

"Oh yeah, no babies for a really long time," I say in agreement. I personally don't think it's anyone's business whether I have feelings for Azzy or not. I don't think she's a bad person I just think she made bad choices. A lot of people make bad choices. I know I made a lot of bad choices myself but you can always turn your life around. Azzy was pretty decent when she was sober and even now she's pretty decent but honestly I like the way things are going with us right now. We're working together and supporting each other as we raise our son together. "You know Mom would kill me if I ever ended up with Azzy ever again after everything she put us through."

"I know," he says, "but if Azzy would be the one to make you happy then her opinion wouldn't matter."

"Mom is pushy," I say, "she would disown me."

"Not if Azzy could prove herself."

"Yeah mom is not going to like it if we ever end up together. It's funny because I always thought we would have this happy life together and raise our kids together but sure enough it was just illusion. I really did love her."

"I know you did," says Richard, "and that's why you were so blinded by the fact she was using. You didn't want to believe it because you loved her. Do you still love her?"

"I'm pleading the 5th," I say, "I love her as the mother of my son I will admit that but I plead the fifth on the romance."

"All right," he says with a smile. "Let me just be clear, people don't do what you did paying for her rehab and giving her money while she was in rehab if they don't love them. I think you still have feelings for her and that's cool but just if anything happens between you two take it slow."

"How did this visit turn into this?" I ask. "I just brought Gideon to see his favorite Uncle."

"I'm his only uncle," he says with a smile. "So Cassie is coming back to Cincinnati to live?"

"Yes," I say. "Mom wants me to be with her. I don't think so. I like Cassie but together we're a train wreck. We don't only destroy our own lives but the lives of those around us. I told her we'll just be friends and do what Azzy and I are doing with Gideon," I say as Gideon starts to fuss. The waitress hands him to me. "Thanks, I think he might need a diaper change or maybe he needs to eat. I don't really know," I say. "I just know that he's upset about something," I say as I pull a bottle out of his bag and try to feed it to him but he won't take it. I take him to the bathroom to change his diaper and he is dry. He's having one of his moments and nothing I can do to soothe him. That breaks my heart. It always does. Just seeing my poor baby in pain and not being able to stop it, tears my heart apart and tears me apart. I wish there was something I could do. "It's okay," I say as I bounce him in my arms but the crying continues. I do everything I can but he shows no sign of stopping any time soon no matter what I do.

AZZY:

"How are you doing today, Azalea?" asks my therapist as I am sitting in his office.

"I'm doing okay," I say, "I miss Gideon. He's with his dad for a couple days. Every time he's gone I just feel this empty spot inside. I really miss him every time he's away."

"I see," he says. "You really love Gideon don't you?"

"With every part of me, he's the reason I am where I am right now. I just want to be the best mom that I can be but I have so many fears."

"What kind of fears?" he asks.

"I don't know that I am going to let him down. I am scared that he's going to grow up and see me as a failure."

"Why would he see you as a failure, Azalea?"

"Because I'm scared that I might fall off the tracks again and let him down."

"Do you feel like you could use again?"

"I have urges. I've been having them a lot lately. I'm in a new place. I'm actually on my own. The half-way house gave me freedom to an extent but not as much freedom as I have now. I don't' want to use again. I really don't. It destroyed my life and I lost friends because of it. I lost my boyfriend because of it. I almost lost my life for the second time because of it. I don't want to lose my son because I fall back."

"So what are you doing to stop yourself from using?"

"I'm looking at Gideon and knowing that I have to stay clean for him so I can be a good mom. I have been knitting again and playing my piano. I've been writing my book too. It's helping me fight it and I'm talking to you about it."

"I think you're a strong person, Azzy, you're doing the right thing. It isn't easy to stay sober after everything you've been through. It's important that you keep up this strength. It's not going to be easy but you have a support group you're in and you have a son. I'm sure that Gideon's father would be willing to help you out as well."

"Yeah," I say, "but I don't want to let him down after everything he's done for me also."

"You won't let anyone down as long as you stay clean. You're doing the right thing. You're talking about it, you're admitting that you have urges and you're letting them out that's a good sign. You've been sober for a long time, Azalea I know you can do this. You just have to fight the urges. Keep Gideon as your motivation to stay sober."

"I feel bad when I am with Gideon sometimes."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because he's addicted and he's still dealing with his addiction issues. He cries all the time. He cries like he's in pain and there's nothing I can do to stop him from hurting. It breaks my heart. It's my fault he's like that. I want him to be healthy and happy but the doctor doesn't think he will be a normal child," I say. "They said he could be delayed and have issues. I don't know how to handle that."

"Let's take it one step at a time, Azzy," he says, "I know it hurts for you to see your son hurting but not being able to help him. Eventually that's going to go away and everything will be all right with him. Don't listen to the doctors when they say he will be delayed no one knows that not yet anyway he's too young. If you worry about that you're going to worry yourself into doing something you don't want to do. I know it's hard but you have got to hold it together. Gideon doesn't blame you for his addiction and when he's older he surely won't even remember."

"I guess," I say with a shrug. "I just feel so helpless sometimes. He's happy some days and then other days he just doesn't stop crying. It's overwhelming and heartbreaking. I love him so much it hurts me. It kills me to see him in so much pain."

"I know as a parent every time we see our children in pain we want to help them but sometimes there isn't anything we can do but stay strong. I know it's not easy for you."

"It really isn't," I say. "Not at all."

"So you have fears let's talk about Chris and Ty," he says.

"No," I say, "I don't want to talk about Chris and Ty."

"You never want to talk about them and what happened while you were with them."

"There's nothing to really say," I say, "I don't want to think about it."

"Okay," he says, "whenever you're ready we can talk about it."

"I don't want to talk about it," I say with tears in my eyes as I think about everything Chris and Ty put me through. I hate thinking about it let alone talking about it.

"Okay," he says, "that's your right and your decision but someday you're going to need to talk about it. You can't move on from it or heal from it until you talk about it."

"It just wasn't a good time," I say, "I can't talk about it."

"Okay," he says, "let me know when you can and we'll talk about them. I don't want to see you hold onto something that hurt you so deeply. I don't know what all happened but going by your body language and your reaction it couldn't have been good. I'm here to help you not judge you."

"I don't want to talk about it," I say again as I grab a tissue and wipe the tears from my eyes.

"So let's talk about when you were 15 years old and your parents kicked you out. You gave me a little insight of what was going on before that but what happened after you were out on the streets?"

"I met a guy that I thought I loved but I didn't truly love. I know that. I really didn't love him. I just loved the high he gave me. He helped me get hooked on heroin. It was the craziest high I ever had. I thought I would try it just once but I wanted more and more of it. I wanted more of him. And I wanted more of the heroin. We shot up together daily. It started off just once a day and then it turned into twice a day and then multiple times a day. It was crazy and scary at the same time. Heroin was deceiving. I thought I could just do it once and be done with it but I wanted it more and more. I fell in love with it. I didn't fall in love with him. I just fell in love with the fact that he could get me the drugs that I needed and fell in love that he would help me get my fix. I was confused, lost and hurt the heroin helped me and the only way I got it was through him."

"How old was this guy?"

"Probably about 30," I say, "I don't really know. He was older."

"I see," he says, "how did you meet him?"

"I was on the streets I was looking for a place to go and he offered me a place. I couldn't turn him down I needed a place to stay it was cold and snowy outside so I took him up on his offer. At first we just smoked weed together and got drunk together. In exchange for the drugs he had me do things. He had me give him a blowjob here or have sex with him there. That's how I paid him back for a place to stay and for my drugs. Then one day he brought in cocaine and that was some crazy stuff too and I was hooked on that. Then he brought in the heroin. I was scared at first but I wanted to try. I told myself I wouldn't get addicted but after that first time I needed more and it got worse and worse. We had our drug parties with each other. He never really turned me out but he did have me pay my gratitude with sex. I thought he loved me. He told me he loved me and that he was going to marry me one day. I don't know it seems so weird now but at 15 you think you love someone but you don't. You love the idea of them. I loved the idea of having a place to stay and I loved the idea of getting my fix through him. It was wild and it was crazy and I was dumb and stupid. We partied too hard one night and the next morning I woke up and he was dead. He was gone."

"I see," he says, "that must have been really hard for you."

"It was the scariest thing I have ever seen. He was gone but it didn't stop me from wanting to get my fix. I was getting heroin where I could whenever I could. He had a stash that I used up in a month's time. I tried to get away from it when I found out I was pregnant but I couldn't. I had to keep using. I had to keep going. I needed that fix and because of it I lost my baby. I had to abort it."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Horrible," I say, "it was my fault because I was addicted and I caused my baby not to have a brain. I couldn't go on with the pregnancy."

"So you aborted the baby?"

"Not legally but yes. I had to. It was dying inside of me," I say. "I didn't have the money for an abortion so I had to do it illegally. Chris and Ty helped me with that."

"How did they help you?" he asks.

"I don't want to talk about it," I say with tears in my eyes as my voice cracks. "All I'm going to say is I have nightmares about it still today."

"Okay," he says. "So this is where Chris and Ty come into your past?"

"Yes," I say.

"I won't push you about them. When you're ready to talk about them we will talk about them. Let's focus on everything you did wrong while you were using."

"Okay," I say, "I stole, I lied, I hurt people. I was dependent not only on the drugs but on other people. I am a really dependent person or at least I was. I hated myself. I was hurt and I wanted to take the pain away so taking my pain away I hurt a lot of people."

"So you can admit that what you did was wrong?"

"Yes," I say, "of course I can admit what I did was wrong. I can admit my flaws. I'm not a good person."

"I would say that you're doing your best to be a good person now. I think you're a good person I just think you made a series of bad choices. There is no such thing as a bad person, Azzy, there are good people that make bad choices. There's good in everyone you just have to find it. I don't think of you as a bad person."

"Thanks," I say. "I made a mess and I'm just trying to clean it all up."

"I know," he says, "and that's a good thing. We're going to get to where you clean up the mess that you made with people you hurt. It's not going to be easy but you're going to do it. You can't move on until you make amends and until you let go of the bad choices you made and that includes letting go of what happened with Chris and Ty. Remember you were just 15 years old when this all happened and it went on for a couple years anything illegal you can press charges against them."

"I don't' want to talk about that," I say once again. Chris and Ty are lying low for now but I know eventually they're going to be back and I'm in trouble when they finally do make an appearance which is why I didn't press charges after what happened before I went into rehab. They're not good people and to be honest. I am scared of what they could do.

"Okay," he says, "let me ask you one more question and then our time is up."

"Okay," I say,

"Gideon's father, you told me that you were scared you would let him down do you have feelings for him?"

"I don't have feelings for anyone right now. The only thing I am worried about is Gideon and making sure he's okay. I have no time for boyfriends or any of that. My son comes first and I want to keep it that way for a little while yet."

"I see," he says, "we had a really good session today, Azalea. You're starting to open up a lot more. I would really like to hear more about your time with Chris and Ty but when you're ready we'll get to that. This is a safe place, I can't say anything unless you're a danger to yourself. So whatever you tell me will stay between us. Whenever you're ready we can talk about it okay?"

"Okay," I say as I bite my bottom lip. "So I will see you on Monday at 6?"

"Monday at 6," he says with a smile as I stand up. "Have a good weekend," he says.

"Thank-you," I say, "you too," I say with a smile before I shake his hand before I walk out of his office. I do enjoy the hour I get two times a week to talk to someone. It really helps me a lot. I always feel better walking out after one of my appointments.

*A/N: What do you think of Richard's attitude toward Azzy? Do you think he's forgiving of her? What about Dean do you think he still loves her? What did you think of Azzy's appointment with her therapist? What do you think happened that was so bad with Chris and Ty she is scared to talk about it? Is there to her story than what she told Dean in Sobriety about them? What did you think of her opening up about the guy that got her pregnant the first time and opening up about her abortion? What do you think about her fears? Is she handling it the right way? Do you think she will ever open up about her time with Chris and Ty? And finally do you think she still has feelings for Dean? Please review and thank-you for reading.