Elevator Hug - part 2
The following day turned out to be challenging for Amelia. She and Alex were working on a 10 year old boy who had a brain tumor and needed surgery to remove the tumor. The problem was the boy's father who didn't believe in surgery. He strongly refused the surgery to be performed on his son, and ended up having a heated argument with Alex. The boy's parents refused to sign the consent for the surgery- much to Alex and Amelia's dismay.
But there was nothing they could do about it, as it was against the rules to operate on a patient against the parent or guardian's wishes.
As Amelia stood at the nurses' counter outside the boy's room, watching the weak looking boy and his parents from a distance, she shook her head sadly. She knew at the rate the tumor was growing- the boy wouldn't have long to live. The parents might regret their decision when the boy dies. There was no grief like of a parent who had lost their child. She knew that. She had experienced it before, and it was like a part of her heart was ripped apart from her, leaving a permanent hole that could never be filled.
She stood staring at the family- wondering whether there was anything else she could do to help the boy. Maybe she could device a plan with Alex to push the boy into surgery without the parents' consent. And risk getting fired. Was that worth it?
As she was lost in her thoughts, she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around to come face to face with Alex Karev.
' I wish there's something more we could do to help him.' she sighed as she turned back to the room to look at the family.
' There's nothing we can do.' said Alex sadly. ' We've already explained the risks of not performing the surgery, which included death. They fully understood the consequences of their decision and even signed the AOR form. I even almost got into a fight with the father to prove my point. The last thing I want is to get into a fist fight with a patient's father and put my career in jeopardy again.
' I'm just thinking about how the parents will feel when the boy is gone.' said Amelia, her voice now starting to quiver. ' Because I know how it feels to lose a child.'
' I know.' Alex said, nodding his head solemnly. He could recall very vividly every single word Amelia said to him in the attending lounge a couple of months ago. She had poured out her entire heart and soul to him, telling him about her baby who died of anencephaly. His heart broke for her, he had seen several newborns with the condition and they never lasted longer than an hour.
' I still don't understand - how can a parent make a decision which would ultimately lead to their child's death without feeling remorse about it?' Amelia asked in a harsh whisper, shaking her head. She knew that her emotions were getting the best of her again. Pregnancy hormones certainly didn't help either.
' Well, as doctors we do the best we can.' Alex explained rationally. ' We inform them of the risk and benefits of each procedure and the consequences not performing the procedure, but ultimately, the patients or family members are the ones who decide.' he added.
'I know.' Amelia nodded her head in understanding.
' Are you ok?' Alex asked when he noticed her face was scrunched.
' I just- I know I would never make a decision that would cause harm to my child.' she said in a shaky voice.
' You still miss him, don't you?' Alex pointed out as she nodded.
' Have you talked to Owen about this?' Alex asked. ' I'm not one to meddle in other people's affairs- but from what I can see - he really loves you and cares for you, Amelia. I noticed he hasn't been himself lately since you both were staying apart. You should talk to him, open up to him about how you feel. Tell him exactly what you told me that day in the attendings' lounge.
' I have.' said Amelia. ' Last night- I told him everything about the baby, and it felt good to open up to him. It was like a huge burden was lifted from my chest. But I have not properly apologized to him or explained the reason why I left.'
' Go home, Amelia.' Alex ordered in a gentle tone. ' There's nothing much you can do by staying here, I don't think the parents are going to change their minds overnight. I'm bringing Arizona to speak to the parents again, and if they still don't change their minds, we'll device a plan tomorrow to get him into surgery ok? For now, get some rest first. Go home to Owen.'
Amelia nodded, knowing that Alex had a point.
' Ok.' she said softly. ' I will. Please do update me on any progress.'
' I will.' said Alex earnestly. ' Now go.'
By the time Amelia reached home, she was exhausted. The case had drained the energy out of her.
She had dropped by Meredith's right after work to collect her clothes and belongings.
She had to admit- it felt nice to finally be home again after a few months. Granted, she had a comfortable bed in Meredith's place and enjoyed the company of her sisters, nieces and nephew, but it wasn't the same as coming home to Owen.
Owen was reading a journal as Amelia hopped onto the bed, freshly showered.
A moment of silence passed between them. Although the night before,
Amelia had told Owen about the reason why she was afraid to have more babies and told him all about her Unicorn baby, she knew things weren't totally mended yet between them. She knew deep down inside he was still mad at her for running away from him like that. After all, he had done nothing wrong to deserve that treatment from her.
She glanced at him as he pretended to be preoccupied with his journal, his eyebrows furrowed the way they always did when he was deeply concentrating on a task. Seeing him frown always turned her on. But not when she knew that she might have something to do with this facial expression of his.
Scooting closer to Owen, she linked her arm under his and leaned her head on his arm.
Instinctively, he wrapped an arm around her shoulder. Although he was still mad at her for leaving him, he missed her tender touch so much. He could sniff the vanilla scent of her hair which he missed so much. As she leaned against him and looked at him with those pleading blue eyes, the eyes he couldn't say no to, he knew he couldn't resist.
' Owen, I'm sorry.' she apologized softly.
' Sorry for what?' Owen asked, pretending to be puzzled as he turned to look at her.
Amelia hit him playfully on the arm.
' Owen! You know jolly well what I mean. I'm so sorry for running away from you like that. ' she explained.
' You left with just a simple note, asking me not to blame myself. Of course I was going to blame myself, Amelia.' said Owen, trying his best to keep an even tone in his voice. ' For the entire month after you left, I keep asking myself every night as I lay alone in our bed and stared at your empty side of the bed what had I done wrong. All I did was say that I wanted to start a family, something which you also agreed on. Which was why I was so confused when you suddenly yelled at my face a few weeks later saying you didn't want a baby. What made you change your mind so abruptly?' Owen asked Amelia as he cupped her face in his hands and tilted her head up so they were both looking at each other in the eye.
He knew that when he did that, she couldn't escape his gaze.
' I told you I was scared.' Amelia admitted. ' At first, when we were talking about starting a family, I was excited to be starting a family with you. There's no one else I would rather start a family with. Then a few weeks after that, I was initially so excited when I missed my period and realized that I might be pregnant. I was so excited- that I went around the hospital telling close friends that I was pregnant. I was even plotting on the best possible way to tell you the good when I asked Meredith how she told Derek- she noncholantly answered that when she was pregnant with Ellis- she didn't need to tell Derek because he was dead. That was when the memories of the past came back to haunt me. The last time I was pregnant- I didn't need to tell the father too, because he was dead.' tears started pooling in her eyes at the memory of her waking up that morning and shaking Ryan's lifeless body , hoping against all odds that he was just asleep.
' And then, just when I thought he had left a part of him in me- the universe had to take away my baby too.' she added.
' There's no need to be scared, Amelia.' Owen whispered, at loss of words to say to her. He took her hands in his as a gesture of comfort.
' One day when I was 5.' Amelia continued, ' I was in the store room of my dad's convenience store with Derek. I was happily playing with 2 pennies that my dad gave me. Then 2 men entered in the store. I thought they were just regular customers coming in to buy some stuff. Shortly after , I could hear them loudly demanding something from my dad. Then I could hear the sound of a gun shot piercing through the air. I can still hear it now. I saw my dad lying in a pool of his own blood. I wanted to scream and run over to him, but Derek stopped me, covering my mouth and holding me tight. Had he not done so, I would've been shot as well. That was the day my entire life changed.' she said as her eyes watered.
Owen placed an arm around her shoulder, knowing that it would give her some comfort as he silently urged her to continue.
' I wasn't the same cheerful little girl anymore. Nobody ever laughed or smiled anymore in my family and my entire family walked on eggshells around me. The only person I could talk to was Derek. So I did the only thing I knew- escape. I turned to drugs and alcohol to run away from the pain I was feeling. I even took Derek's car for a joyride once and crashed it and then overdosed, because I thought that it would take away the pain. It only lead to Derek performing CPR on me to save my life.'
Owen winced at the thought of Amelia almost losing her life before. She wouldn't have come into his life had Derek not saved her.
'After graduation and college- I thought I was fine for a while. I studied hard and graduated from Harvard Medical School. I floated from city to city, trying to make a fresh new start. I loved L.A. and I adored my friends there. Then I met Ryan. It was great while it lasted, we both shared our love for drugs, we enjoyed getting high together. We even planned a future together.' Amelia continued.
She looked up at Owen and noticed a slightly hurt expression on his face. However he silently nodded, urging her to continue.
' Then the universe had to take him away from me. Not only that, it took away our baby as well.' she continued.
' Then when I thought I was healed, there came James. He was a nice, decent guy and all that- we were even engaged to be married.' Amelia now had a faraway look in her eyes. ' But then my fear of losing another man I loved overtook me and I did the only thing I knew- I ran.'
' And then Derek died.' she said softly. ' I lost my only brother and closest family member. And I didn't even get to say goodbye to him.' she said bitterly, still feeling some resentment towards Meredith for not letting her say goodbye to Derek.
' And now, you came into my life. You- are just different, Owen.' said Amelia. ' I've never met such a kind, caring, compassionate, loyal and honest person like you. You show so much passion and dedication in your work, you can be so firm and strict when the need be, but so tender and loving the next. You are so caring and loving towards me, Owen.' she said looking up to his eyes and seeing him gazing down lovingly at her.
' And that scared me. Because you're too perfect, Owen. There's no such thing as perfect in my life.' Amelia admitted.
Owen shook his head wordlessly at her admission. No, he wasn't perfect, they had this conversation before.
' And when you suggested that we start a family, I was scared Owen, scared that our baby would be born anencephalic and we would lose the baby too. And then you would leave me. So I did what I knew best…. I ran. And when I found out that I'm pregnant again….. I just broke down. I didn't know what to do Owen. I didn't want to lose another baby.' Amelia continued.
She looked up at Owen again to meet his eyes.
His eyes showed a flash of hurt and confusion in them.
' But why do you need to run? You can always talk to me. I'll be there for you.I told you I would never leave you, no matter what.'
' You don't get it, Owen.' said Amelia exasperatedly as she looked up at him with sad blue eyes. . ' How can I trust you not to leave when every man I've ever loved had left me? My dad, Ryan, my baby, Derek…..'
' Do not add me into your list ok?' Owen said gently but firmly as he tilted her face up to look at his so their eyes met. ' Because I'm not going anywhere.' he said with a reassuring tone in his voice.
' You'd better not.' Amelia half joked as she flashed him a teary smile.
' No matter how many times you ask, my answer will be the same.' said Owen, an earnest tone in his voice. 'I would never leave you, Amelia.'
' Ok.' Amelia nodded, as she wiped a stray tear from her cheek and leaned onto Owen- feeling the comfort of his heart beating against her chest.
He wrapped an arm around her shoulder, as his other hand slowly moved to cover her tiny bump where their baby was safely nestled inside.
As they lay there, Amelia began telling Owen about her and Alex's patient, how his parents wouldn't let them operate on him, and how they were planning to push him into an OR tomorrow against the parent's wishes. Owen listened attentively, feeling sorry for the patient and feeling proud of her.
Amelia then began expressing her concern again about the ultrasound appointment the following day and how she hoped this baby would be healthy because she couldn't bear the thought of losing another baby.
And again, Owen reassured her, telling her that he would be with her every step of the way. She dozed off in his arms, knowing it was the safest place to be.
At 9:30 am sharp the following day- Owen and Amelia sat in the waiting room of the antenatal clinic, awaiting their turn.
Amelia's heart was beating fast. This was it. She was going to find out whether the baby she was carrying- her and Owen's baby- was healthy or not. Chances were, the baby was healthy. Or so she hoped. But what if the baby was not? What if she was the unlucky less than 5% who had another anencephalic child? The universe had it's way of conspiring against her after all.
She looked around the waiting room full of expectant mothers. Some came alone, some were sitting with their partners or spouses. Some had a bored look on their faces as if they would rather be anywhere but there. Others sported happy looks- excited at the prospect of seeing their baby.
Her legs shook as she pretended to occupy herself with her phone to pass time. She felt a strong warm hand cover hers beside her, Owen had noticed her nervousness. He held her hands in his as a sign of silent support as they continued waiting for their turn.
It might have been just minutes, but it seemed like eternity for the expectant couple before Arizona called them into her room.
' Hey' she greeted them, showing her trademark cheerful smile. ' So you're here for the detailed scan huh?'
' Yes, to see whether this baby has a head or not.' said Amelia noncholantly.
' Ooh….I'm sorry. I forget my filter when I'm nervous.' she chuckled as Owen and Arizona exchanged glances at each other. They both knew about her first pregnancy.
Seeing how nervous Amelia looked, Arizona gently asked her friend all the routine Obstetric questions and performed the normal Obstetrics physical examination. Besides morning sickness, Amelia was doing well, with normal weight gain, blood pressure and blood sugar. She was taking her prenatal vitamins regularly, something she knew she should if she were to ensure normal fetal development. Arizona again reassured Amelia that the chance of a recurrence of anencephaly was low, less than 5%. Amelia nodded, she knew that fact already, but it wasn't going to fully reassure her.
' So are you guys ready to see your baby?' Arizona asked once Amelia was lying on the examination bed.
Amelia didn't reply as she turned her head away from the scan machine.
Owen squeezed Amelia's hand wordlessly as he exchanged a glance with Arizona. They both knew why Amelia was afraid of looking at the machine and their hearts broke for her.
Arizona sincerely hoped that this baby would be healthy. She adored the couple and she wished them only happiness.
Silence filled the room as Arizona entered Amelia's details into the machine. Amelia still had her head turned away from the machine and Owen was still holding her hand.
' Ok, this will feel a little cold,' Arizona warned as she squeezed the gel on Amelia's stomach. Amelia shuddered in reflex. She didn't know if it was from the cold of the gel or due to her nervousness.
Arizona began manipulating the ultrasound probe around Amelia's lower abdomen as the trio remained silent. Arizona was frowning in concentration, fully focused on obtaining a clear image of the fetus. She adjusted the settings as she continued manipulating the probe. Owen was staring at the ultrasound screen, excited to be seeing his baby. His heart was pounding in anticipation. He had been waiting for this his whole life- seeing his own child for the first time. He tried to hide his excitement though, for the sake of his wife.
Amelia meanwhile, still had her head turned away from the screen.
She could still recall the the first ultrasound she had during her first pregnancy. She had been excited to meet her and Ryan's baby. But when she saw the look on Addison's face, she immediately knew that something was wrong with the baby. And when Addison broke the news that the baby was anencephalic- her whole world crumbled.
Therefore she decided that she would not look at the screen, because if she did, what would appear on the screen would be another anencephalic baby. She also didn't dare to look at Arizona's face because if she did, she would see the same expression on Arizona's face as she broke the news that she had another brainless baby. She wasn't even going to look at Owen's face, because she couldn't bear to see the disappointed look on Owen's face at Arizona's words.
Instead, her head still turned away from the screen, she sent up a prayer to the powers above to let this baby be healthy. She really couldn't bear to think of what she would do should the baby have any abnormalities. Should she abort the baby this time? Owen squeezed her hand again, reminding her that he was there by her side this time. This time, she wasn't alone.
' Ah ha! There it is!' Arizona exclaimed as Owen turned his attention back to the screen.
' Here is your baby.' Arizona pointed out. ' 2 hands, 2 legs, a stomach, and …a head.' she added, emphasizing on the word head.
Owen's face broke out into a wide smile. He couldn't believe it, it was his baby he was looking at , a new being that he and Amelia had created together. He thought their baby was perfect and the most beautiful baby ever.
Amelia's head was still turned away from the screen. She didn't want to believe what Arizona was saying. It was too good to be true.
' Amelia look.' he whispered, squeezing her hand, reassuring her. ' Look at our baby, he or she is perfect.' he continued whispering into her ear, stroking her hair gently.
' It's sucking it's thumb now.' Arizona announced in a cheerful voice. ' Unfortunately it's legs are crossed so I can't tell the gender. But everything seems fine.' she said.
Arizona began the fetal measurements as Owen held Amelia's hand and continued stroking her hair.
' Yep- the baby is growing well, the measurements are at the normal percentiles.' Arizona said, smiling at the couple.
' Amelia- look at our baby.' Owen whispered into her ear again.
Amelia finally gathered the courage to turn her head to face the screen.
There it was, her and Owen's baby- with a head, a stomach, 2 hands and 2 legs and sucking its thumb. It was perfect.
Tears formed in her eyes. Her baby had a head!
' The head. Owen, our baby has a head!' Amelia proclaimed, looking up at Owen with a teary smile. This baby had a head, unlike her previous baby. She stared at the image of her baby on the screen for a few long moments, making sure that Arizona wasn't lying and that her mind wasn't playing tricks on her. She closed and opened her eyes again. Owen and Arizona were still standing at the bedside, both smiling widely. And yes, the baby still had a head.
An immense sense of relief overtook her as she sobbed with joy, tears running down her cheeks. She cried in Owen's arms, releasing all the anxiety and fear she had kept inside prior to this appointment. She felt a huge burden being lifted off her shoulders.
' Our baby has a head.' Owen repeated happily, kissing the top of her head as he hugged her, letting her continue sobbing in his arms, wetting his labcoat. He would still love her and their baby so much had this baby not have a head, but seeing her so happy and relieved made him happy too.
Arizona felt warmth in her heart upon watching the couple rejoice at the wonderful news. She wished only good things for them both. She let them both stay in that position for a while before clearing her throat.
' Wanna hear the heartbeat?' she asked, as Amelia gave her a watery smile. The couple nodded eagerly.
She adjusted the scan settings, and soon the comforting ' lub dub' sound of the baby's heartbeat filled the scan room.
' Well your baby has a strong heartbeat.' Arizona confirmed, smiling. ' Your baby seems fine and healthy.'
Amelia felt a fresh wave of tears rolling down her cheeks as Owen hugged her tight.
' You hear that? Our baby is fine and healthy.' Owen said softly, as he kissed her on the top of her head.
Amelia looked up at him as their eyes met. She flashed him a teary smile.
' Yes, our baby is fine and healthy.' she repeated, letting it sink in. She and Owen were going to have a healthy baby!
Arizona printed out the ultrasound picture and passed it to the couple, congratulating them on the good news.
She walked out of the room, letting them have some privacy.
Later that night, they laid down in bed, studying the ultrasound picture for the umpteenth time. Owen had his arms wrapped around Amelia as they both admired their baby's perfect features, studying every single detail of the ultrasound image.
' I still can't believe that we made this image of perfection.' Owen whispered as he kissed the top of Amelia's head.
' I still can't believe- this baby actually has a head.' said Amelia, smiling at the image.
' I told you our baby will be healthy. Didn't I say so? You have to trust me from now onwards.' Owen pointed out, winking at her.
Amelia gave him playful jab on the elbow.
' Alright sir, I'll believe you from now on.' she relented as they both chuckled.
' But seriously Amelia, you have to know that I'll love you and this baby no matter what. I'll still love you both even if this baby had any abnormality. I think it's important for you to know that.' said Owen earnestly pulled his wife closer to him.
She looked up at him, studying his honest expression.
' Ok.' she nodded, realizing that she should be thankful to be married to such an amazing man.
They both continued staring at the ultrasound image again, unable to get enough of seeing their baby.
' Do you think it's a boy or girl?' Amelia asked as she looked up at Owen.
' Well, what do you think? I thought mothers know best.' he said, smiling at her. 'I really don't mind either way, although I would love a daughter who looks like you.' he added.
Amelia smiled, showing her dimples which he hoped their daughter would inherit.
' Well, I don't mind either way too. I just want a healthy baby.' she admitted.
They snuggled close to each other on the bed, as Owen placed his hand on the slight buldge in Amelia's lower abdomen where their baby lay. Amelia placed her hand on top of his as they savored the feel of their precious, perfect baby nestled safely inside.
For the first time since she was 5 years old, Amelia finally felt pure joy and freedom from her past. Her dad, Ryan, Derek, and unicorn baby were all in her past, but Owen and their baby were her future. And the future was great.
Comments, reviews, and messages are very much appreciated. I would really love to know what you guys think!
