Chapter Two: "Perfect" Situations

I've been working at Angel Morte for two weeks now, and at seven dollars an hour plus tips, have earned about four hundred dollars. I'm excited. I've just lied and told my mom that I'm staying at the library and studying from 4 to 10 every night. Sadly enough, she believes me. She doesn't care as long as my grades stay up.

That's one problem out of the way at least… my other problem came to the restaurant again tonight.

I was wrong. He's here again.

It had been a week since I saw him at Angel Morte that night, it was Wednesday again. And he was here. Again.

It was 8:20ish, which meant some of the other girls were still here. There were about eight tables filled, mostly of old couples and businessmen. I already had a table, but when we were asked who wanted Cartman's, I quickly ducked my head behind my plate and left the room to attend a table full of college guys, all of which ordered beer. Cartman or eight frat boys… no contest.

I glance behind my shoulder and I see Lexis in front of Cartman's table. He was sitting in the same window booth as before. I shake my head and attempt to focus on the table at hand- full of drooling college boys catcalling me.

"Hello, my name is Kylie and I will be your server tonight, what can I get you sirs tonight?" I smile through my disgust at their faces and hold my notepad at the ready. The closest one looks me in the eyes, then trails down toward my nonexistent cleavage.

"Haven't I seen you before?" he asks, lifting a hand toward me and smiling. His words were beginning to slur. Were they drinking before they came here? I back step slightly but retain my composure.

"Erm, I don't think so, sir, unless you've been here before." I smile again.

"No, I mean at the club the other night… there was this redhead all up on me, and I swear you look just like her…" His buddies guffaw at him as he half smiles at me in a way that's supposed to be flirty.

I cringe at the thought. "No, I'm sorry, that wasn't me. So to get started, what would you like?"

"Well, it could be you," the same teen starts again. He was heavily built in comparison to me, and had sandy blonde hair. He reeked of alcohol. "Tonight, me and the guys are going back there, care to join us?" he half smiles again.

"No thank you, I have a long shift tonight so even if I wanted to, I couldn't possibly-

"Come on baby," one of his friends says. "It would be fun- we'd love to see you on the dance floor." He licks his lips in the most obvious way; I'm going to be sick. They're beginning to cross the line- I look around for the closest bouncer.

The other boys laugh and egg the first boy on as he scoots his chair out from underneath him and snakes his arm around my waist. I'm too shocked to do anything at first as he pulls me into him. He had about five inches on me, putting him at about six feet. Fuck.

"Get off of me!" I say loudly, causing a nearby table and their waitress, Mercedes, to turn around.

I worm my way out of his grasp but he grabs hold of my bow and I hear the back of my dress rip. Shit. The other boys laugh as he limply holds the now not-attached bow. He puts his hand on my shoulder and tries to twist me to face him.

Before I know what I'm doing, I turn around and meet his face with my hand, slapping him loudly across the cheek. I open my eyes and see a red mark. He looks mad.

"You little bitch- think you're so tough," he starts dashing toward me with a look of anger in his eyes.

"Security!" I hear Lexis yell as I ball my hand into a fist. Suddenly there's a blur of red in front of me as someone puts himself between the college boy and me.

There's a sickening crunch as his hand makes contact with the frat boy's nose. Blood is falling from where his nose used to be, and the blur in front of me moves his hand back.

"You chithead!" the boy says through the blood, he looks surprised as to how there's so much blood coming from his nose. "You boke my noche!"

He takes a quick swing at the person who hit him and smacks him in the eye. His face turns toward me from the impact and I see his face- it's Cartman.

Cartman puts his hand over his eye and curses, looking up at the other boy. He smirks triumphantly and his friends stand up a moment too late- the bouncers are surrounding them.

"Is there a problem here?" one of them asks as he looks between Cartman and the college boy. He was taller than both of them, and seemed slightly amused that the boy was bleeding profusely from his nose. Neither one answers.

The bouncer looks back at Mercedes and she makes the hand motion to throw them out.

I grab onto the arm in front of me and look at the bouncer, trying to silently tell him that the fight was my fault, and Cartman should not be thrown out for protecting me-

Wait, Cartman protected me?

The bouncer nods once and grabs the sandy-haired teen by his arm, dragging him to the back exit as he held his nose, making no motion to grab Cartman as well. Some of the other patrons applaud for the bouncers as they drag the boy and his friends out of the restaurant. I breathe a sigh of relief and glance up at Cartman.

He's looking at me curiously and I realize I'm still holding his arm tightly. I let go and stammer, "So-sorry. Are you okay?"

He removes his hand from his eye, "Yeah, I'm fine."

Mercedes steps forward and quickly glances between us, looking worried, "Are you both okay? Kylie?"

I begin, "Yeah I'm okay, but-

"I'm fine, don't fucking worry," Cartman says, rubbing his eye and looking defiantly at Mercedes. She smiles.

"I'm sorry about that, sir. You really saved Kylie back there. I don't know what we would have done without you? Ice cream on the house?"

"Whatever," he says. If I didn't know better, it looked like he was pretty pleased with himself.

Mercedes beams and takes my hand, pulling me to the back room.

"You're really okay?" she asks as the patrons stare at us. She pushes open the door and lets go of my hand.

"Yeah I'm fine… he's not going to get in trouble, is he?" I hear myself ask. Why do I care if Cartman is in trouble or not?

"No no, the manager, Mr. Yamamoto, is pretty understanding. He's not here right now, but I know he would have done the same thing I had," she smiles again and walks off toward her locker.

Lexis walks through the door and looks at me, smiling deviously.

"He saved you-" Lexis whispers at me as she retrieves his sundae from the counter near the kitchen. She smiles warmly, her lips smeared in cherry lip balm, and hands me the plate. "You take it to him. At least thank him!"
"But- but Lexis," I start. I'm blathering again. "I can't, it's too-

"Ferrari told me you liked him, it's okay," Lexis interrupts. "I'm sorry I took his table earlier. Here's me paying you back. Mr. Yamamoto is fine with us hanging with the customers sometimes and chatting, you know."

She places the plate in my hands as I stare at her, wide-eyed and completely dumbstruck. I'm going to kill Ferrari.

"Go get him!" she whispers at me as she pushes me through the door onto the restaurant floor.

I freeze as I attempt to regain my balance. Looking through the people left in the restaurant, there was only Cartman sitting patiently at his table and a few businessmen. The other waitresses were wiping off the tables.

I inhale deeply and walk toward his table, keeping the sundae balanced on the plate, my heels clacking on the tiled floor. Finally I reach his table and place it in front of him. His eyes grow wide as he eyes the sweets; I smile to myself. Same old Cartman.

I glance at the seat across from him and quickly sit down- I'd seen the other girls do this a few times to get better tips. They'd sit with the customers and try to act interested in what they were saying. Mr. Yamamoto, the manager, encouraged it actually, but I never felt comfortable flirting with a customer. I am still a guy, it's awkward enough walking around in a frilly black dress and three inch heels, let alone bat my eyes and touch the customers.

Cartman had been eyeing me since I sat down. I glance up at him nervously, his brown eyes looking questioningly at me.

"Thank you…" I begin, looking in my lap, "for saving me."

He rolls his eyes and picks up a spoon. "Security would have gotten to you if I didn't," He says icily and digs his spoon into the vanilla ice cream and shoves it in his mouth.

I cringe at the coldness in his voice, "Well… you didn't have to. They would have gotten them if you didn't…. so thanks."

He paused and looked at me, a confused look on his face. "You're welcome… sorry your dress got fucked up," he mumbles quietly as he quickly shoved another spoonful of hot fudge in his mouth. I smile in return- it was the least I could do. After all, I'd never seen him genuinely be polite to someone and mean it.

"You're my waitress from last week, right?" he says between chewing. I glance up at him and nod again. He smiles his cruel Cartman smile and I feel my insides freeze over again- his smiles always did that to me. Bad habit from younger days. "You never did get me my drink," he says teasingly.

I blink, surprised at the playful tone in his voice. He doesn't sound like he's trying to be cruel… he's just teasing me. I smile and try to keep my blush down (it's not a good thing to be remembered by the fact I forgot his drink). "Yeah… sorry about that," I say in my high-pitched voice. "I've been having a bit of an off-time lately."

"You and I both."

There's an awkward pause as he licks his spoon clean of the whipped cream. I glance down at the table and notice he has the same book he did last week- Crime and Punishment. He said he didn't read it to 'Kyle' at school, but this copy looks like it's been read through multiple times, and even has post-it notes on the pages.

"Is that book any good?" I ask, pointing at it. Might as well play dumb.

He glances down at it nonchalantly and hands it to me. "I like it. Reading it for school though- I finished it last week, but decided to go through it again since there are a million things I could have overlooked."

He could have knocked me over with a feather after that. Cartman reading? He actually understands this book? It took me so long to understand exactly what was going on, let alone be able to comment on if I liked it or not.

"Oh," is all I can say.

He looks at me again as I open the book and flip through the pages mindlessly. He sighs and takes the book from my hands.

"Don't you want to know my name?" he asks, smiling. His eyes are narrowed- he looks mischievous. "I mean, I did save you… you don't even want to know your savior's name?" He's such an asshole.

I blink- I hadn't thought about that. Had I accidently called him by his name at some point without him telling me what it was? "Oh… what's you name…" pause, "sir?" I smile evilly back at him. Even if he didn't know I was Kyle, he loves making anyone obey him. I could have some fun like this.

"Why I'm so glad you asked," he says in a fake happy voice. I roll my eyes, "It's Eric Cartman."

I think about what he says. "So… can I call you Mr. Eric?" I beam at him. This is fun.

He blushes at this- he obviously isn't used to people calling him by his first name. "Uh… if you want to. Only my mom calls me Eric…" he thinks for a moment then frowns.

Mercedes (now in a short skirt and pink top) weaves through the tables near us, and stops at our booth. "Lexis is locking up tonight …" she trails off and gives me a small wink so Cartman won't see it. I feel myself blushing. She walks off and out the front door. Night is falling now- the sky is tinted with the pinks and purples of a sunset.

I face him as he eats his sundae, slower than before. The area around his eye is red and puffy. One of my obnoxious red curls falls in front of my face, "Are you sure your eye is okay?"

"I've had worse," his face darkened. Somehow that doesn't surprise me, I decide not to ask him to elaborate.

"Alright, well I'll have to go soon. My shift is almost over," I say, standing up. I get outside of the booth and face him again, bowing my head. "Thank you for saving me again…" I say quietly. It's hard for me to thank Cartman, even in this disguise.

"Wait," he says. I look up and he's already out of his booth. I meet his eyes- they look softer than usual. "Why did you avoid me when you first came in today?"

I stammer, he noticed me hiding behind the plate? "Uh, well… After the way I left last time, I didn't think you'd want to see me… I mean, I forgot your drink, and-

"So you admit the way you left last week was rude?" He narrowed his eyes. I could feel the ice forming in my chest.

"Um, well-

"Because it was. You shouldn't do that to your loyal customers," his voice was laced with venom. His hand found my wrist and clasped it tightly. "Getting up and leaving without telling me… was very cowardly. Sneaky, even." He twists my arm upward and his hand near his mouth. I can feel his breath on my hand. His grip tightens. I'm scared- this is Cartman. My heart starts to race.

"…Mr. Eric," I begin. His eyes snap back to normal as soon as I say that and his grip softens. "Please… let go of me…"

He looks shocked at what he was doing and lets go of my wrist.

"I'm sorry…" he says quietly. I'm shocked that he apologized. "It's just… you remind me… of someone I know."

I freeze. Someone he knows?

"Excuse me, sir," I bow again and dash to the back room, pulling open the door and dashing in. I feel my heart beating in my ears.

I remind him… of Kyle. Of myself- of the Kyle he knows. Shit.

Has he figured it out?

The next day at school, I waited outside the classroom for him. He walked up to Mr. Garrison's room with only two minutes before the bell. As usual. Stan was too busy with Wendy to even notice I'd vacated the room. Clyde was showing Kenny and Butters his latest Playboy, so I thought it best to sneak out.

Cartman glances up at me. "What do you want, Jew?"

He had a black eye where the puffiness was forming the night before. "Where'd you get the black eye, fat ass?" Good job.

His face twisted from irritation, "None of your god damn business, kike. Get out of my face."

Before he could walk past me, I walked in front of him. "Why do you always want to copy off of me?"

"Because I don't have time to do the work myself and I haven't read the book," he replied coolly.

"You read the book," I started, crossing my arms. "I saw you at that restaurant a while ago- you've been reading it."

He stopped and looked me in the eyes. I genuinely surprised him. "It's about fucking murder, why wouldn't I like it?"

I roll my eyes. "But you acted like you didn't read the book. Why?"

"None of your business."
"Tell me why, Cartman."

"Out of my way you nosy Jew-rat."

I know if I were dressed as Kylie he'd be a lot more polite about this. So he genuinely doesn't know I'm Kylie, otherwise he would have admitted up front that he's been reading the book. I'm safe… for now.

I don't move from in front of Cartman and I see him getting really pissed. "Fine. Just don't expect to be able to copy off of me anymore."

"Whatever, you're not that smart anyway," he says half-heartedly, pushing past me into the room. The bell's rings echo through the hallway and I follow him inside the room.

That night, Cartman was at Angel Morte again in the same booth at eight o'clock. The other girls joked that he wanted to see me, but I knew better. He looked annoyed and sat at the table with his head in his hands.

Lexis pushed me with the menu to go see what he wanted, but he didn't look too interested.

"Sit with me," he says as he waves away the menu I'm holding. I glance back toward the welcome table where the other waitresses are motioning me to sit with him. I inwardly sigh and sit down with him.

"First off… I wanted to… apologize for lashing out at you yesterday," he didn't look at me. I nodded. It's still pretty fucking weird to see him apologize- for ANYTHING. Let alone to me. Well, he doesn't know it's me, but… fuck.

He continued to look upset, so I assume that feeling bad about grabbing me wasn't the problem. I can sort of forgive him for it. I mean, he's done worse to me.

"What's wrong, Mr. Eric?" I say in my high-pitched voice, which is beginning to sound off, even to me.

He looks up at me. "Drop the pleasantries, Kylie, I'm not in the mood."

I slump and begin to get irritated. Where does he come off bossing me around?

I pause and look him in the face, realizing something's wrong, "Did something happen?"

"Kinda," he says, staring at the table. I wait for him to continue. "My mom hasn't been home for a few days."

"…Are you worried?" I ask. Pretending not to know was easier than admitting I knew his mom was a raging whore and probably off with yet another guy. It was common knowledge to the town, but luckily, this restaurant was equidistant from both South Park and the next town over. Partially why I decided to apply here- less of a chance of being noticed.

"Not especially…" he looked up at me again. His eyes looked sad. "But, it sucks sometimes, ya know? That's why I come here. For people…"

Wait a second… is Cartman lonely?
He stares into my eyes, "What's up?"

I blink- I guess I was spacing out. "You mean you're… lonely?"

He huffs and turns slightly pink, "That's a fucking gay way of saying it."

He didn't deny it. "Well…" I started, twiddling my thumbs, "I get lonely sometimes, too, I think everyone does." I mean, those two years when all I did was study, I got lonely. I didn't get to see my friends at all, I was even beginning to miss Cartman's constant teasing. Stan is too busy with Wendy now to even notice I've been out of contact for a few weeks since I started working here… "And you know, this restaurant will always be here."

He stared at me for a moment and smiled. "I hope it is." The icicles began to form in my chest again, but this time, his smile seemed different. It looked… genuine. I don't think I'd ever seen a real smile from him…

My face began to heat up as I looked at him. I tried to smile but my face felt funny. "I…" I began, looking in his brown eyes. "I have to get back to work," I said quickly, getting out of the booth and walking into the backroom. As soon as the door swung closed behind me, I put my back to the wall and took a deep breath.

What's going on? He's acting so fucking different. Why doesn't he act like that around me normally? Is this how he normally acts to girls?

No, I've seen him with Wendy. This is… different. He said I remind him of someone (most likely myself) but why would that make him act different toward me?

The only times I remind him of Kyle are the times when he gets mean and violent. Which makes sense.

Because I'm Kyle- the Jew he's hated forever. The one who he's been bickering with since we were younger. What is he going to do when he figures out Kylie is me?

This is too weird.